Advice
Weight gain a potential dealbreaker in troubled gay marriage
One hubby tired of being a gym bunny; elicits scorn from partner
Michael,
Iām sick of my husbandās expectations that the two of us be fabulous gym bunnies. For gosh sakes, we are in our late 30s. I have no interest in working out two hours a day, six days a week.
I donāt care about having a six pack anymore. Or about having big muscles in all the right places, a V-shape or even being thin.Ā
For that matter I hate hanging out with our friends drinking or going to clubs. So vapid. Ditto weekends sitting at the rooftop pool in a skimpy swimsuit that takes a lot of work to look hot in.Ā Listening to everyone gossiping about everyone else is no longer my idea of fun.Ā
When I donāt go to the gym, Will complains. When I eat as much as I want of whatever I want, he criticizes me. Somehow his excessive drinking is fine with him. Over the past year Iāve decided I want to enjoy life and to hell with body fat percentage. Iāve gained 15 pounds So what? Iām far from morbidly obese.
But Will is furious. He complains that heās not attracted to me anymore and that heās embarrassed to be out with me. Iām this close to not going out anymore anyway, so I couldnāt care less.
I feel like itās time we grew up and stopped trying to meet a standard that is better suited to 22 year olds.
Will says he is thinking we should separate and says Iām not living up to his expectations.Ā
And Iām starting to agree about splitting. Shouldnāt I be able to expect that my husband will accept me for who I am?Ā
Michael replies:
Expectations are a tricky thing in relationships.
Of course you want to be accepted by your spouse. And of course you want respect. But even the best of partners may struggle at times to be accepting and respectful, especially when under stress and when confronting differences that they perceive to be threatening.
Thoughtfulness? That gets complicated if your mate thinks that your being thoughtful involves doing whatever he wants you to do.Ā
Exercise, food, activity choices? Even if two people agree about such issues at the start of a relationship, theyāre both going to change in some way or another as time goes by.Ā
And clearly, thatās whatās happened in your marriage. Your tastes ā and far more importantly, your values ā have changed, and now you want to lead a life that is different from the one youāve been leading.Ā
If you want a shot at being happily married going forward, drop your expectations and accept that your husband wants to keep living life the way he lives it. Gym, drinking, rooftop pool and all. Even if you think itās way past time that he grew up. Even if he doesnāt extend the same courtesy to you. Expecting reciprocation is also an expectation. And itās not going to get you anywhere.Ā
However, if you stop telling Will that your way is the right way, you will be taking a big step to reduce the antagonism in your marriage.
If you take on this challenge, youāll have to find a way to deal with your husbandās criticism that does not involve criticizing him in return, or acting morally superior.Ā āEven though youāre criticizing me, Iām not going to tell you how ridiculous you actā is pouring gasoline on the fire. Instead, how about, āEven though youāre criticizing me, Iām committed to this relationship and I donāt think we should tell each other how to live.ā
Regarding the two of you separating: You made a commitment and itās worth asking yourselves why you got married in the first place. Was it just to have someone to sit by the pool and be skinny with or was it for something more?
From your letter, it doesnāt sound like the two of you have much common ground. But maybe all the hostility has gotten in the way of your seeing anything good in your marriage.
Here is one big positive that you do have: a spouse who is challenging you to grow. This is a blessing in disguise. You and your husband are both being pushed to figure out how to accept difference and collaborate with someone who sees things very differently from you.Ā
The good news is, you have identified that it is time to redefine your life. Your challenge now is to see what happens if you stay committed to your principles and desires while avoiding unwinnable arguments about who is ārightā and staying connected with your husband at the same time.Ā
Commitment doesnāt only mean enjoying good times together.Ā It also means rolling up your sleeves and doing your best to work through difficulties.
Find Michael Radkowsky online here. Submit questions at [email protected].Ā
Hi Michael,
Iāve been best friends with Chris since we were kids. Weāre both gay and both wound up in D.C. after college. And we’re roommates.
The trouble started about a year and a half ago. Chris, who has always liked working out, started getting absorbed in bodybuilding.
He started spending hours a day working out and all these weird powders and supplements started piling up in the kitchen.
Chris became obsessed with building muscle. When he told me he was trying steroids, I told him that was a bad idea but he told me he was doing it under medical supervision and I shouldnāt worry.
In recent months heās a changed person. Heās short with me a lot, angers easily. He got into a few screaming matches with Matthew, his boyfriend, that I overheard. He sounded paranoid and out-of-control. Guess what? Matthew walked out on him.
Iām not proud but I did a little snooping (basically looked in his bathroom) – and the stuff was everywhere.
Last week he lost his job. He wouldnāt tell me why but I am pretty sure itās due to his increasingly weird and angry behavior. I told him thatāand told him that I know heās using a lot more than he should (is any amount OK?)āand he majorly blew up at me. Now heās not talking to me and he texted me I should move out and not wait until our lease is up.
I donāt know what to do. I love Chris deeplyābut it seems like the guy Iāve known for 20 years is gone and has been replaced by a mean paranoid guy who is driving his life off a cliff.
Iām wondering about letting his parents know. Iāve known them since childhood and Iām hoping they can talk some sense into him. Or an intervention with all his friends (none of whom he is speaking to anymore for one reason or another, but the real reason is his crazy behavior). Maybe we could confront him and get him to stop.
But Iām not sure what the right thing to do is and donāt want to alienate him completely. Any thoughts or ideas for a good strategy?
Michael replies:
Iām sorry, I know itās excruciating to watch someone you love struggle with addiction. I donāt think you can get Chris to stop or moderate his use.
You have shared your concerns with Chris, and heās blown up at you. This is not a guy who wants to look at his life choices critically.
You could tell his parents, but you have to weigh the risks versus benefits. Maybe they would be able to influence Chris to cut back on his steroid use. Or maybe heād just cut himself off from them as well, further deepening his isolation, and perhaps leading to his being even less tethered to reality.
I would make similar points about an intervention: Sometimes they have a positive impact on the person who is being confronted. Sometimes they donāt do much except rile the person up, and lead him or her to dig further into denial and isolation.
My own experience is that interventions have a greater chance of being helpful when the person can acknowledge the unmanageability of the addiction and is willing to try something different. Chris doesnāt sound like he is anywhere near that point.
Simply put, thereās no easy fix to this, because only Chris gets to decide how he wants to live his life, even if his choices are ruinous.
Hereās what you can do:
First, if Chris starts talking to you again, be supportive without being enabling. This means not criticizing him or telling him what to do; letting him know that you care about him and are there to help if he wants help; not joining him in minimizing the seriousness of his situation; and having a boundary when necessary.
For example:
If there are times when he is pleasant to be with, enjoy them.
If heās snapping at you for no reason, you can say āhey, itās not fun to be with you when youāre like thisāIāll see you later.ā
If heās lamenting his job loss, you might reply, āIām sorry you lost your jobāand Iām sure you could take steps to succeed in another job.ā
If he attempts to start an argument with you about how his steroid use is not a problem, or that youāre blowing it out of proportion, donāt join the argument. āSorry, I see it differently, and Iām not going to argue with you about this.ā
If he continues to not speak to you, you can still continue to reach out to him now-and-then, in ways that donāt require him to respond, to let him know you that youāll be there for him if he needs help at some point.
One more thing you can do is get some support for yourself. This is a tough situation for you as well. Itās easy for someone in your situation to feel like youāre doing the wrong thing, no matter what you do.
Iād suggest that you attend at least a few Al-Anon meetings. Al-Anon is a support fellowship for people whose loved ones are struggling with addiction. Youāll get support in recognizing that there really are limits to what you can do; in setting a boundary when you need to; and in knowing that you are not alone.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it toĀ [email protected].
Advice
My boyfriend has gained 50 pounds and wonāt change
Should I stay with someone who refuses to get off of the couch?
Dear Michael,Ā
My boyfriend of five years has been steadily putting on weight and now I would say he is about 50 pounds heavier than when we met, which was the summer of 2019.
First he blamed the weight gain on COVID. Like most people we were stuck at home, anxious, and overindulging in comfort food; and the gym wasnāt an option. So I didnāt say anything and figured things would return to ānormalā once we got through the pandemic.
I will say, though, that I managed to not gain much weight during that time because I found ways to exercise. He didnāt want to join me and I didnāt push.
Although weāre long past COVID, Tim hasnāt changed his ways. He never went back to the gym and continues to eat whatever he wants. Iād say his main hobby is sitting on the couch watching TV and eating junk food.
To make matters worse, his sister recently told me that historically Tim has been a heavy guy. Heād never bothered to share this with me, so I had no idea.
Evidently I met him on the tail-end of an intense push to get in shape. So he looked really good at the time, but that was temporary.
When I confronted him about this, he was mad at his sister for telling me and said I had no right to talk about him behind his back. Well, I didnāt ask herāshe just brought it up, and was surprised that I was surprised.
Tim is annoyed that I keep voicing my unhappiness about his being out of shape. He says he is the same sweet and loving person I fell in love with and Iām shallow to be so upset by surface appearances.
I told him he was trying to gaslight me: If he feels that love should have nothing to do with how you look, then why did he go to all the trouble to lose weight and get in shape before we met? I feel like he did it to get a boyfriend and then thought he could just go back to being fat once he was in a relationship.
So now heās mad at me for saying heās basically a devious schemer. I didnāt use those words but itās true I donāt trust him and feel taken advantage of.
Besides the weight, itās not attractive to see him just basically lie around all the time and not take care of his body.
I asked if heād consider some drug like Ozempic and he got really angry and said Iām awful to suggest something that might have all sorts of side effects just so that I will be happier with his looks.
The upshot is, I feel stuck with a guy who turns me off and doesnāt want to do anything about it and tells me Iām shallow for not being in love with him no matter what he looks like.
My friends tell me to dump him, but does he have a point?
Michael replies:
You get to decide whom you want to date. You are very far from alone in wanting an energetic and physically attractive partner.
Itās true that no one stays gorgeous, and has an amazing body, forever. We all have to accept the changes that time brings to our partners and to ourselves. But that is different from accepting a partner who isnāt making any effort to take care of himself.
Aside from the lack of self-care, Timās refusal to share significant details about his life, or his thoughts and motives around big issues, is both a trust-destroyer and a huge roadblock to your having a close or intimate relationship. And the way that Tim blows off your questions, and attacks you for being curious or confused, is a recipe for distance and resentment. It is also unkind.
Now letās look at your part in this. Iām curious about what has been keeping you in this relationship. You havenāt said anything about what you like (or love) about Tim. All I know is that he describes himself as sweet and loving.
Maybe he has some wonderful qualities you havenāt mentioned. Or maybe itās hard for you to stand up for yourself? To let someone down? To have a boundary when itās important?
My biggest questions: Do you have a history of picking partners who underperform in some major ways? Or is the first time youāve found yourself constantly disappointed by your partner, and constantly pushing him to do better?
Somehow youāve created a life where you are hitting your head against a brick wall, getting nowhere, continuing to do it, and complaining about the pain. Timās made clear that he doesnāt want to do anything different, and yet you continue to push him to change. Your behavior might be leading him to dig in. In any case, itās leaving you miserable.
In any relationship, you can certainly ask for what you would like from your partner. But you have to let go of the result. And if the answer is āno,ā you can either accept it, or drive the two of you crazy.
If you do care about this relationship, and Tim, and yourself, you could propose to Tim that the two of you meet with a couples therapist. Perhaps this would help Tim to open up and to get a grip on his behaviors. It might also help you to understand why you might be keeping yourself stuck in a miserable position, so that you can raise your level of functioning in this relationship.
One more important thought: Timās lack of self-care and energy make me think that he is depressed. I wonder if Timābefore you met him, at leastāwas one of the many gay men who feel intense pressure to have a certain kind of body. It isnāt always easy, or even possible, to sustain this kind of appearance. And I wonder if he may be ashamed of where he is, which might be one big reason for his defensiveness.
Again, couples therapyāor individual therapyāmight help him address whatever is keeping him down. But Tim would have to be willing to go. You can make the suggestion, but you cannot force him to change.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it toĀ [email protected].
Advice
I hate my vapid gay life of bar hopping and partying
My married straight friends seem so much happier
Dear Michael,
Iām a 39 year-old gay man. Over the past decade Iāve been watching my straight friends from college date, marry, have kids, and buy houses. Their lives seem really fulfilling.
In the meantime, like all my gay friends, Iāve been hooking up and drinking too much and partying on weekends.
I realize that I hate my gay life. I think itās vapid. I never thought I would say this but I actually wish I were straight because I think my life would be better and easier.
I donāt think this is internalized homophobia and I donāt think Iām idealizing my straight friendsā lives. I look around me and compare their lives to my life and my gay friendsā lives and itās obvious that their lives are more meaningful. I realize Iām profoundly depressed.
Looking to the future, I know Iāve got an expiration date when it will be absurd for me to be standing around in my underpants at a bar. And then I will be irrelevant.
I donāt want to be going to sex parties and have people look through me ā or only have sex with me because they have a grandpa fetish.
And the prospect of spending my future at a never-ending string of dinner parties with conversations about art or theater seems dismal. I know thatās a clichĆ© but Iāve known enough older gay men to know thereās a lot of truth to it.
I envy my straight friendsā marriages. They all seem devoted to their spouses.
I would love to have a true life companion. I canāt fathom what my gay friendsā marriages are really about, because theyāre all always going out separately from their husbands and screwing other people. I donāt discuss this with anyone because Iām afraid theyāll judge me or say I am pathetic and hate myself. I donāt really hate myself but I am hopeless about having a meaningful life as a gay man.
Any thoughts about getting to a better place?
Michael replies:
I could tell you that your best hope of a better life is to make your peace with being a gay man; that doing so does not have to mean living a life you find vapid and meaningless. That there is no one way to be gay; that you and you alone get to choose how you construct your life. And that the accomplishments you believe give your straight friendsā lives meaning are also possible for you to achieve.
But I think you probably know all this. So the real question is, why are you continuing to live this life you despise, year after year?
Some questions to consider:
ā¢ What are you afraid might happen if you donāt keep following the crowd?
ā¢ What endeavors, activities, and causes do you imagine would give your life some greater meaning?
ā¢ What stops you from pursuing any of them or making them part of your life?
I wonder what life experiences you may have had that contribute to your being so stuck. For example: Were you discouraged from thinking for yourself or from being self-directed as a kid? Were you expected to do as you were told? Were you ever bullied or ostracized, which might make it important for you to feel part of a group even you don’t really fit?
A related question: While you say that you want a close relationship, you donāt describe efforts to find one. Thinking back over your 39 years, can you identify any reasons why intimacy would be scary or uncomfortable for you? There are a number of reasons why gay men often have difficulty establishing relationships that include both sex and emotional connection. And you may have your own reasons for avoiding closeness that are unrelated to being gay. (Discomfort with intimacy is not limited to gay people.)
One more thing to consider: Although you say this isnāt internalized homophobia, is it possible youāve absorbed negative beliefs over the course of your life that lead you to see being gay in a negative light?
I’m asking all these questions simply to encourage you to develop some hypotheses about why youāve been continuing to live as you’ve been living. Having some understanding of whatās holding you back, or what youāre afraid of, might make it easier to quiet your anxiety, get off autopilot, and start moving in directions you would like to go.
Regarding your being profoundly depressed: I could suggest that you work with a therapist on getting past what is keeping you from creating a better life. In addition, regular exercise (if you arenāt doing this already) would likely help your mood; and curbing your alcohol consumption would likely help you to better manage your life and your mood. (Perhaps your therapist or physician would recommend an antidepressant to help you along.)
Again, I am certain you already know all this. I donāt think suggestions are what you really need. As long as you keep your focus on all the things you hate about your life and all the sadness that you are convinced lies in your future, your life will likely remain as is.
For you to have a shot at a better life, you’re going to have to do something new (hard and scary as that might be). This might include any or all of my suggestions, or it might be something entirely different that you conceive. The essential ingredients: Recognize that you actually have a choice as to how you want to live your life; and make the choice to take action on your behalf.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it toĀ [email protected].
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