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Weight gain a potential dealbreaker in troubled gay marriage

One hubby tired of being a gym bunny; elicits scorn from partner

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Tired of pressure to look perfect?

Michael,

 

I’m sick of my husband’s expectations that the two of us be fabulous gym bunnies. For gosh sakes, we are in our late 30s. I have no interest in working out two hours a day, six days a week.

 

I don’t care about having a six pack anymore. Or about having big muscles in all the right places, a V-shape or even being thin. 

 

For that matter I hate hanging out with our friends drinking or going to clubs. So vapid. Ditto weekends sitting at the rooftop pool in a skimpy swimsuit that takes a lot of work to look hot in.  Listening to everyone gossiping about everyone else is no longer my idea of fun. 

 

When I don’t go to the gym, Will complains. When I eat as much as I want of whatever I want, he criticizes me. Somehow his excessive drinking is fine with him. Over the past year I’ve decided I want to enjoy life and to hell with body fat percentage. I’ve gained 15 pounds So what? I’m far from morbidly obese.

 

But Will is furious. He complains that he’s not attracted to me anymore and that he’s embarrassed to be out with me. I’m this close to not going out anymore anyway, so I couldn’t care less.

 

I feel like it’s time we grew up and stopped trying to meet a standard that is better suited to 22 year olds.

 

Will says he is thinking we should separate and says I’m not living up to his expectations. 

 

And I’m starting to agree about splitting. Shouldn’t I be able to expect that my husband will accept me for who I am? 

Michael replies:

Expectations are a tricky thing in relationships.

Of course you want to be accepted by your spouse. And of course you want respect. But even the best of partners may struggle at times to be accepting and respectful, especially when under stress and when confronting differences that they perceive to be threatening.

Thoughtfulness? That gets complicated if your mate thinks that your being thoughtful involves doing whatever he wants you to do. 

Exercise, food, activity choices? Even if two people agree about such issues at the start of a relationship, they’re both going to change in some way or another as time goes by. 

And clearly, that’s what’s happened in your marriage. Your tastes — and far more importantly, your values — have changed, and now you want to lead a life that is different from the one you’ve been leading. 

If you want a shot at being happily married going forward, drop your expectations and accept that your husband wants to keep living life the way he lives it. Gym, drinking, rooftop pool and all. Even if you think it’s way past time that he grew up. Even if he doesn’t extend the same courtesy to you. Expecting reciprocation is also an expectation. And it’s not going to get you anywhere. 

However, if you stop telling Will that your way is the right way, you will be taking a big step to reduce the antagonism in your marriage.

If you take on this challenge, you’ll have to find a way to deal with your husband’s criticism that does not involve criticizing him in return, or acting morally superior.  “Even though you’re criticizing me, I’m not going to tell you how ridiculous you act” is pouring gasoline on the fire. Instead, how about, “Even though you’re criticizing me, I’m committed to this relationship and I don’t think we should tell each other how to live.”

Regarding the two of you separating: You made a commitment and it’s worth asking yourselves why you got married in the first place. Was it just to have someone to sit by the pool and be skinny with or was it for something more?

From your letter, it doesn’t sound like the two of you have much common ground. But maybe all the hostility has gotten in the way of your seeing anything good in your marriage.

Here is one big positive that you do have: a spouse who is challenging you to grow. This is a blessing in disguise. You and your husband are both being pushed to figure out how to accept difference and collaborate with someone who sees things very differently from you. 

The good news is, you have identified that it is time to redefine your life. Your challenge now is to see what happens if you stay committed to your principles and desires while avoiding unwinnable arguments about who is “right” and staying connected with your husband at the same time. 

Commitment doesn’t only mean enjoying good times together.  It also means rolling up your sleeves and doing your best to work through difficulties.

Find Michael Radkowsky online here. Submit questions at [email protected]

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Advice

Gay son resentful after caring for ill parent

Busy straight brother not pitching in to help

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Dear Michael,

My dad died a few years back and lately my mom, who lives alone, is in frail shape. She lives about two hours away and I’m doing the bulk of the caretaking. This includes visiting her weekly, grocery shopping, managing her medical appointments, and arranging/monitoring her home health aides. I love my mother but I am getting overloaded with the responsibilities.  

I have a brother, Jeff, who actually lives a lot closer to mom than I do. He’s straight, married, and has three young-ish children. And he’s not doing a lot to help.

My mom doesn’t ask Jeff for much because she “doesn’t want to bother” him. He doesn’t volunteer to do almost anything, and I’m reluctant to push him because I know he works insane hours (typical lawyer) and has lots of family responsibilities.

I’m not straight, I’m not partnered, I have no kids, and I didn’t choose a demanding career. But does this mean I have to do the lion’s share?

It seems like my family thinks my life isn’t as important as Jeff’s.

I have great friends whom I love to spend time and travel with. I’ve had a lot less time to do that for the past 18 months. Also, I’ve been single for a long time. I want a relationship, but I don’t have time to be looking when I’m spending most weekends out of town taking care of mom.  

I keep putting my needs aside, because if I don’t, my mom’s going to suffer. But I’m getting increasingly resentful.  I don’t see a great way out of this situation. Do you have any suggestions?

Michael replies:

Yes, I have some suggestions to help you stop feeling so helpless and resentful.

First: Maybe your family thinks your life isn’t as important as Jeff’s, and maybe they don’t. But you definitely treat your life as less important, by not setting any kind of boundary. 

Waiting for your mom and Jeff to honor a boundary that you aren’t setting is not a great idea. You can’t expect other people to do more for you than you are willing to do for yourself.

I get that you don’t want to upset or guilt your mom, or put too much pressure on Jeff when he has lots of family and job responsibilities. But sometimes you’ve got to choose between possibly upsetting others, or feeling resentful and not having time to live your own life. Not an easy choice, and not an avoidable dilemma.

If you do ask your mom and Jeff for what you’d like from them, keep in mind that your power to influence other people is limited. In other words, while you can definitely ask them for what you want, you can’t ensure they will do what you ask.  

If your mom and Jeff don’t change their behavior, you’re not out of luck, not a bit. Because there is one person whom you can greatly influence to improve the situation. 

Of course, I’m talking about you. This is your life to live, and you get to set a boundary around what you are willing to do for others.

Just for example: Maybe you don’t want to visit mom every weekend, so that you have some time for yourself. Maybe you want to leave some things undone some of the time, such as a grocery run. Would mom survive if you missed a weekend visit here and there? Would Jeff (or one of your mother’s aides) step up if you weren’t available to buy the groceries occasionally?

If I were working with you in therapy, I have a sense that at this point, you would argue with me that it isn’t possible for you to stop doing any of the things you’re doing. 

If I’m right about this, you’ve likely got some things to figure out before you can tolerate making changes. This brings us back to the interesting question of why you might believe that your life isn’t all that important.  

A few questions for your consideration: 

  • What might be difficult or scary about setting a boundary?
  • What would you think about yourself if you did put yourself first? 
  • Do you think that only you can/will make sure everything gets done right?
  • Is putting aside your own needs a familiar behavior?
  • What might be appealing about doing so?
  • Why might you believe you are “less than”?

One more point: Don’t stop doing things for your mother just because you’re angry or resentful. You don’t want to act merely out of strong emotion, because then you’re not really in charge. It’s always a good idea to thoughtfully choose how you want to behave. 

So, one more big question to ask yourself, here and always: What are your own standards for yourself, and how do you adhere to them so that you live your life in a way that you respect? 

(Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].)

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Advice

Am I the only gay man who doesn’t sleep around?

Seeking friend group less interested in drugs, partying

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Feeling isolated because your friends don’t share your values? Time for new friends.

Dear Michael,

I am a 22-year-old man and I am starting to hate being gay.

It’s not that I feel bad about being attracted to men. I would love to date a guy, get married, and spend my life with him. My problem is that the values of the gay men I am meeting have nothing to do with what I want in life.

I’ve been living in D.C. for almost a year now and pretty much all I come across are guys who want to have sex with as many hot men as possible.  

Relationships, commitment, and honesty don’t seem to mean anything, as far as I can tell. I’ve had guys in long-term relationships hit on me or propose threesomes with their partners.  My ex-boyfriend was hooking up on Grindr multiple times per week after we had agreed to be exclusive. When I found out, he told me that it’s impossible for a gay guy not to sleep around.

What is it with gay men? Everyone seems to predominantly focus on sex. Whenever I go out to brunch with my gay friends, people are showing pictures and sometimes even X-rated videos of their latest hookups. Sex isn’t something special, just a recreational activity/competition.  
None of my straight friends act anything remotely like this.

Also, pretty much every gay man I spend time with seems to love getting trashed. I’m not anti-alcohol but I don’t see the fun in getting completely drunk regularly. I’m wary of recreational drugs but guys around me use them nonchalantly all the time. What kind of connection can you have with people around you when all of you are drunk or high on something?

I’ve tried to talk with my gay friends about how I feel but they respond like I’m from another planet, as if I’m questioning why they want to breathe oxygen.

I just think there’s a lot more to life than hooking up, that people should treat each other as more than just potential sex partners, and that sleeping around when I’m in a relationship doesn’t make for a great relationship. But I seem to be the only gay man I know who feels this way.

I don’t want to live the kind of life I see all around me. But I worry that unless I give up my values, I’m going to be lonely.  

Michael replies:

What kind of life will you have if you give up your values? Could you respect yourself or create a life that is meaningful and that you would enjoy?

We all face pressure to conform to those around us so that we will fit in. Doing so is understandable. As you describe, it can be lonely to be on the outside. But betraying who you actually are is a high price to pay for acceptance.  

This is why people come out. And this is why, despite the peer pressure, you are the only person who should decide the kind of life you want to lead as a gay man.

There is little point in discussing the many possible reasons why many gay men dedicate so much time and energy to sex. Everyone is free to choose how they want to live and what they want to focus on. And this includes you.

You can’t change other people or a community. But I’m hopeful you can find a community of friends with whom you are a better fit. I know you are far from alone in feeling as you do, because I regularly hear stories similar to yours in my practice. So rather than settling, keep looking, and look beyond the ways in which you’ve made your social life so far. The friend group you develop may not be as large as your current circle of acquaintances. (Or it may be larger!) In any case, you’d likely find it far more nurturing, and a lot more fun, to spend time with others who are more like-minded.  

It is not easy to feel like the odd man out. And when you want a different life from what most of your peers are seeking, it’s easy to doubt that you are OK. I’m sure you already know this from having grown up gay.  

When we come out, we have the hope that we will finally have a real peer group and won’t feel so different anymore. But that’s not always the case. Gay men are not one homogenous group and many of us have to do some searching to find some people with whom we really connect.  
You are doing important work in thinking about who you are and how you want to live. I hope you will make the choice to honor your time on earth by living it authentically.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality.

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Advice

Working from home is taking over our lives

We need to create boundaries and return to offices

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working from home, gay news, Washington Blade

Back in the late 1980s when I was a young financial analyst at a New York bank, I’d leave the office at five and go home to my little Upper West Side studio. With no cable, internet, or cellphone, a landline was my only connection to the outside word till I went back to work the next day.

What was it like? Tranquility is the word. Surrounded by Manhattan, I was as isolated as a monk in a cell, with uninterrupted hours to read a book, cook, or listen to an album. And of course I could go out on the town without a work crisis reaching out to ruin my plans.

I’ve been thinking back to those days a lot, lately. Working as a psychologist, I’m hearing more and more clients complain lately about how much time they’re putting into their jobs. Folks have been working from home for a year now, and as the months have gone by, many of us are spending more and more hours on the job.

What’s going on? I hear a few justifications.

First, many people tell me that they don’t feel they have an excuse not to reply when they get a text or email from a boss or colleague after normal work hours. After all, what else would they be doing? This is especially true of my single clients who don’t have children. Even dinnertime isn’t off limits.

Second, as the pandemic drags on and most of us have so few sources of fun and stimulation, people are turning more and more to their jobs for something — anything — to keep them occupied.

And, of course, there’s the reality that we’re working from our homes. There’s no physical boundary keeping work at work.

So while it’s great not to have to commute or wear pants, working from home is making it even easier for our jobs to take over our lives than they already were. Put bluntly, this sucks.

We all need a break from work. Every day. Your job likely isn’t paying you for 16-hour days. Even if it is, you need to have some fun, rest, and recharge your brain.

Of course we can’t shut ourselves off from the world as completely as I did in those pre-internet/cellphone days. But we need to draw a boundary, even if it means disappointing our employers and colleagues by doing so. I’m not talking about not doing your job. I’m just talking about setting a limit on how much of your life you are willing to give to your work.

Standing up for your own well-being can be scary. There may be real risks in terms of job security and compensation. Only you can decide for yourself when it is vital to say “no.” But advocating for yourself is necessary at times. To quote Hillel, an ancient Jewish sage: “If I am not for myself, then who will be for me?”

Taking action on your own behalf is also a skill you want to develop, because it will help you in all areas of your life. If you can’t say “no” in order to eat dinner uninterrupted, watch a movie you’d like to see, spend time with someone you love or get a good night’s sleep, you’re going to get chewed up and spit out by others, quite a lot.

Recently, I’ve been reading that D.C.’s downtown is in danger of financial ruin. As many people may not be be returning to the office after the pandemic, some believe that the whole web of service businesses may collapse.

I’m hoping that the doomsdayers floating this theory are wrong, and that as the pandemic ends many of us will head back to the office, at least much of the time. We need to get back to setting a stronger boundary between work and the rest of our lives.

Yes, we’ll be helping our city rebound. And we’ll also be making a big step toward taking care of ourselves, by re-constructing a life that’s about way more than work.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com.

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