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Coming out is a life-long process

Oct. 11 is National Coming Out Day

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Oct. 11 is National Coming Out Day

ā€œTell me about your coming out,ā€ my 30-something friend Seth recently said to me.

ā€œIt was more than a day!ā€ I joked.

National Coming Out Day (NCOD) is on Oct. 11. The holiday, celebrated yearly on Oct. 11, was first observed on Oct. 11, 1988.

That date was the one-year anniversary of the 1987 queer rights march in Washington, D.C. More than half a million people were at the march, which was a turning point in the LGBTQ+ rights movement.

Robert H. Eichberg, a psychologist who died in 1995, and gay rights activist Jean Oā€™Leary, who died in 2005, co-founded NCOD. 

Things have progressed so far for us queers since then. We can marry and serve in the military. Weā€™re parents, cops, athletes, teachers and preachers.

In this era of marriage equality, itā€™s tempting to wonder: What is all the fuss about coming out?

But, a reality check shows that coming out still matters.

A quick look through the news headlines reveals why staying in the closet is so hurtful and how unsafe it can still be to come out as LGBTQ+.

If youā€™re of a certain age, you likely cried your eyes out when you watched the Disney movie ā€œOld Yeller.ā€ Who could forget the scene when the young boy Travis (played by Tommy Kirk shoots ā€œOld Yellerā€ because his dog has rabies? In 2019, the Library of Congress added 

ā€Old Yellerā€ to the National Film Registry.

Kirk died on Sept. 28 at 79 at his Las Vegas home. Despite Kirkā€™s popularity with fans, Disney didnā€™t renew his contract because he was gay.

ā€œI was caught having sex with a boy at a public pool in Burbank,ā€ Kirk told the gossip columnist Liz Smith. ā€œWe were both young, and the boyā€™s mother went to Walt.ā€

In the 1960s, there was no way that an out actor would have had a chance in Hollywood.

I wish I could say that everythingā€™s changed since Disney fired Kirk. But, this isnā€™t the case.

In August, Jamel Myles, a fourth grader in Denver killed himself, the Denver Post reported. His mother told the Post that her son, whoā€™d come out to her as gay, took his own life because heā€™d been bullied for a year.

ā€œWe are deeply committed to our studentsā€™ well-being,ā€ a Denver Public Schools spokesman said in a statement.

Unfortunately, Jamalā€™s story is far from unique. Nationwide, many LGBTQ+ students in the U.S. have been bullied. Nearly half (43 percent) of transgender youth have been bullied, according to the 2019 Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance survey. Nearly a third (29 percent) of trans youth, 21 percent of gay and lesbian youth and 22 percent of bisexual youth have attempted suicide, the survey reports.

Life is far more dangerous for queer folk in many places worldwide from Hungary to Ghana.

You could respond to this grim news by going to bed, staying under the coversā€”tucked in the closet.

But that would let homophobia and transphobia have the right of way. It would deny us the chance to joyfully, proudly, defiantly celebrate who we are.

Studies have shown that knowing us can help alleviate prejudice.

Family members, friends and colleagues may still feel uncomfortable around us because of our sexual orientation or gender identity.

But, itā€™s hard to hate your non-binary 10-year-old granddaughter on Christmas morning. Or your gay buddy at the gym.

One of my fondest memories is when I came out to my Aunt Manci. I worried that she wouldnā€™t accept my girlfriend. I needed have been anxious. ā€œYouā€™re lucky,ā€ she said, ā€œshe loves you.ā€

Coming out is a process that lasts a lifetimeā€”from deciding if you want to be out in the third grade to ensuring that your loved ones wonā€™t erase your queerness from your obituary.

Coming out can be arduous. But, itā€™s liberating! Let the revels begin! Happy National Coming Out Day!Ā 

Kathi Wolfe, a writer and a poet, is a regular contributor to the Blade.

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On this Transgender Day of Visibility, we canā€™t allow this administration to erase us

All people deserve to have our experiences included in the story of this country

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The transgender Pride flag drawn near the entrance to the Stonewall National Monument in New York on March 13, 2025. The National Park Service has removed transgender-specific references from the Stonewall National Monument's website. (Washington Blade photo by Michael K. Lavers)

By KELLAN BAKER | Since 2009, the world has observed Transgender Day of Visibility (TDOV) each March 31. The importance of ā€˜visibilityā€™ feels especially significant this year, not only as a trans person but for me as a researcher whose career has been centered on equity and inclusion for transgender people. My work over the past 16 years, which has focused on advancing fairness, access, and transparency in health care for gender diverse populations, could not have prepared me for the speed and cruelty at which the Trump administration has worked to literally erase transgender people from public life. Ā 

From banning transgender people from serving openly in the military, blocking access to best practice medical care, and making it all but impossible for us to obtain accurate identification documents that match our gender, the impact of these attacks will be felt for years to come. As a scientist dedicated to fostering the health and wellbeing of diverse communities, I am particularly devastated by the intentional destruction of the federal research infrastructure and statistical systems that are intended to ensure the accurate and comprehensive collection of data on the full diversity of the U.S. population.   

The importance of data cannot be understated. This makes the efforts by the federal government to remove survey questions, erase variables from key data sets, and stifle research even more alarming. By simultaneously removing access to existing datasets, removing gender (and other key measures, such as sexual orientation, race, and disability) from key surveys, terminating federal funding for research projects that include trans people, and censoring research projects at federal data centers, this administrationā€™s goal is to erase the lived experiences of trans people ā€“ with the idea that if we donā€™t exist in data and in research, the federal government can claim that we donā€™t exist at all.  

Just in the past two months, weā€™ve seen a rapid decimation of the inclusion of transgender people in federal research and their visibility in the federal statistical system.  

Data sets that included gender measures have disappeared from federal websites. Critical data sets used by federal and state policymakers, public health staff, and researchers, such as the Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance System (YRBSS), were removed from the CDC website in response to a Trump executive order that made it the policy of the administration to recognize only two sexes, male and female. Although some datasets have been put back up, gender variables have been removed.  

Surveys that had asked about gender identity no longer do. Claiming that the removal of gender identity measures from key national surveys such as the American Housing Survey, Household Pulse Survey, and National Health Interview Survey were ā€œnon-substantial,ā€ the Trump administration has essentially skipped the extensive notice and public comment process that is required to make these types of changesā€”the same process that were used to add gender identity (and sexual orientation) measures.  

In addition, attempts to exclude trans people and other communities facing disparities from surveys will result in a lack of large enough sample sizes to conduct quality data analysis, while reducing any chance of analyzing racial and ethnic differences among trans people. 

Hundreds of grants supporting inclusive research have been terminated. The unprecedented move of the National Institutes of Health (NIH) to terminate research grants that include transgender people is just one example of this administrationā€™s rush to eliminate funding from active scientific projects. In many cases, similar agencies are also now required to remove gender identity measures from federally supported surveys. Prominent trans health researchers have watched as their research portfolios are halted, work stopped, staff laid off, and participants left without care. 

At the Institute for Health Research & Policy at Whitman-Walker, for example, we have already had seven studies terminated, with a financial impact that exceeds $3 million. One of these cancelled grants was a multi-year, longitudinal study in partnership with the George Washington University to explore the impact of structural racism and anti-LGBTQ bias on HIV risk among young queer and trans people of color nationwide. The notices of termination for this and other awards clearly spell out the administrationā€™s disdain for groundbreaking research that seeks to understand and address health disparities related to LGBTQ populations, particularly trans people. 

Censoring research. As seen with recent changes implemented by the CDC, the censorship of gender-related terms on federal websites and scientific publications is intended to further the erasure of evidence detailing the disparities faced by LGBTQ people. 

On a day dedicated to honoring the lives and contributions of trans people, the impact that these egregious actions will ultimately have on the health and wellbeing of trans and nonbinary people is chilling. Without access to this knowledge, researchers will not be able to examine the repercussions of the harmful policies put forth by this administration and many states across the country, including bans and restrictions that negatively impact trans peopleā€™s physical and mental health, economic security, and educational outcomes. 

Although there has been an effort by non-government entities to collect and store previously collected data prior to the Trump administrationā€™s purges, state surveys, private research firms, and academics cannot fill the void left by the federal governmentā€™s decision to halt data inclusion. Ensuring that public entities and researchers can continue to use these datasets is only one piece of the puzzle being taken on by groups such as the Data Rescue Project and repositories like Data Lumos. Work also continues thanks to the efforts of the U.S. Trans Survey, the California Health Interview Survey (CHIS), and the important research and analysis of both Gallup and The Pew Research Center. Yet, gaps still exist due to threats of federal funding cuts to organizations committed to safeguarding inclusive data assets in the wake of the administrationā€™s continued assault on trans rights.   

This administration suggests that removing one of the only tools available for identifying an entire population of people is a ā€œnon-substantialā€ action. This not only questions the intelligence of the American people but is a direct insult to trans folks everywhere. All people deserve to be counted and to have our experiences included in the story of this country. Transgender people have always been a part of this country, and even if our nationā€™s surveys choose to exclude us, we continue to existā€”authentically, unapologetically, and forever visible.    

Kellan Baker, Ph.D., M.P.H, M.A., is executive director of the Institute for Health Research & Policy at Whitman-Walker.

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Children of American service members defend Pentagon DEI policies

Students protested Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth during Germany visit

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Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth (Washington Blade photo by Michael Key)

ā€œAnd a little child shall lead them.ā€ (Isaiah 11:6)

Since the new U.S. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth began his assault on diversity, equality, and inclusion in the U.S. armed forces, hundreds of students at U.S. military schools in Europe and Japan ā€” the children of American servicemembers stationed overseas ā€” have staged walkouts and other demonstrations to protest the new policies.Ā Ā 

When Hegseth visited Stuttgart, Germany ā€” the headquarters of U.S. European Command and U.S. Africa Command ā€” on Feb. 11, more than 50 students from the Alexander Patch Middle School held the first of these protests when they left their classes and gathered in the schoolā€™s courtyard for an hour-long protest meeting.  

More than a hundred students at the Nile Kinnick High School in Yokosuka, the children of Navy parents and Defense Department employees based at Yokosuka, Japan, the headquarters of the U.S. 7th Fleet, walked out of classes and held a protest in the schoolā€™s courtyard on Feb. 21, chanting and carrying banners.  

ā€œI love this school; I think one of its strengths is its diversity,ā€ said Kinnick High School senior Chase Hassell, president of the student council and leader of the walkout. ā€œI think we have such a great multicultural community, and I think that itā€™s important for the development of all children ā€” not just us ā€” to have experience with different people of different beliefs and backgrounds,ā€ Hassell told Stars and Stripes after the demonstration.

And on March 6, hundreds of students participated in demonstrations at Humphrey High School at Camp Humphreys, South Korea, and at Ramstein High School and Kaiserslautern High School in Ramstein, Germany, and Wiesbaden High Schools in Wiesbaden, Germany, carrying signs that proclaimed ā€œSolidary in Diversity,ā€ ā€œCensorship is Un-American,ā€ ā€œOur Classrooms Are Not Your Ideological Battleground,ā€ ā€œThis Affects People of Color, LGBTQ+, Woman, and Everyone,ā€ and ā€œMore Books, Less Bigots!ā€  

Thereā€™s a great deal of anger around the country about what the Trump administration is saying and doing. But anger is not enough. These students are not just angry, theyā€™re actually doing something to fight back. Maybe we all have something to learn from them.  

Daniel Volman is the director of the African Security Research Project in Washington, D.C., and a specialist on U.S. national security policy toward Africa and African security issues.

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Survivors of sex crimes are unsung heroes

Taking trauma and turning it to their advantage

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Jake Stewart is a D.C.-based writer and barback.

(Editorā€™s note: This is the second of a two-part story. Click here to read the first installment.)

Last month, I started watching ā€œThe X-files.ā€ 

For the most part I loved the show, with Agents Scully and Mulder as the primary reasons why. Yet what I found most frustrating was watching their investigations. As early as episode one, set in a small town of scared people guarded by scary men, Agent Scully proposed coincidences while Agent Mulder proposed aliens. Despite the episode having ā€œcultā€ written all over it, both agents seemed none the wiser. 

Recently, I learned the FBI has an open process for writers and other creatives to learn how the agency works. I also discovered the FBI has a history of monitoring writers. In fact, the FBI is about as image-conscious as your typical D.C. gay, making me wonder how the ā€œX-Filesā€ moved forward with little pushback. Thatā€™s about as interesting as UFOs being discovered in New Mexico as we tested the atomic bomb. 

But if youā€™re reading this, you likely want me to shut up about the ā€œX-Filesā€ and get back to my story. When I left off, my friend had disappeared and my work cleared me of any wrongdoing. That said, I was mysteriously fired in September 2022ā€”nearly a year after the initial incidentā€”and just six weeks after my boss learned that I wrote books. 

The process of my firing was strange, to say the least. First and foremost, I was never given a reason. To this day it remains a mystery. My now-former employerā€”a high-profile lobbying firmā€”then bullied me into signing an NDA to access my severance. 

By the way, I negotiated up. While I donā€™t know what I did, I had a feeling I had that power. I was right. 

Just prior to the firing, they asked me to bring in my laptop so they could download my files. This rang an alarm for me, primarily because they never gave me a laptop. So, they wanted me to bring in my personal laptop. As a writer with original materials, I reasonably asked what constituted a work file. I never received an answer. 

Coincidentally, I met my ex-boyfriend exactly one week before I got fired. He is the same ex-boyfriend from my religion piece, in which I mentioned he fell into hard times. Specifically, I was referring to concerning signs I spotted last April, primarily on the gay apps, and with memories of the last boy still fresh on my mind, I refused to let another slip from my grasp. 

So, what did I do? I dove headfirst into hell in a messy attempt to rescue him. After playing this new game of cat-and-mouse in which I was said mouse, allow me to share what I learned: Over the course of several months, I spotted sketchy characters at my exā€™s placeā€”characters I suspected dealt hard drugs, which was highly out of character for him. Moreover, I found online accounts promoting extremely suspect pornography and, yes, pimping services on X (formerly Twitter), some of which looked a lot like my ex. While I didnā€™t know what exactly was happening, I knew something was off, but when I confronted my ex, he denied it. 

Being the stubborn asshole that I am, I decided to check these sketchy characters out for myself. It turns out I was spot on about their sketchiness. I learned they not only drug unsuspecting young men in a coordinated manner, but once drugged they sexually violate them andā€”if drugged enoughā€”begin recording videos. Itā€™s all made to look random yet safe; for example, there always seems to be a nurse in the group who is ā€œexperiencedā€ in administering needles. 

Once I had proof these people were unsafe, I took further action for my ex. In mid-November, I reached out to someone in his personal life, which was a tough decision since he was closeted. I was strategic and chose someone who knew he was bisexual, and after connecting with her on Instagram, spoke on the phone with her the next morning. Upon hearing my concerns, she agreed based on her own observations. 

Apparently, she spotted signs of him being physically harmed over the summer. She and I spoke for hours on end about the situation and how we could help him. Then, just a week later, I lost contact with her and my ex. I havenā€™t heard from either since. 

I eventually grew concerned enough to contact the police and the FBI. In the meantime, particularly following my trauma article, sex workers approached me to share their storiesā€”primarily stories of rape and abuse alongside a power structure rooted in it. As for those who try to oppose this system? Theyā€™re often written off as mentally ill. 

I donā€™t know about you, but I refuse to live in a world where young queers are shepherded into this system. Thatā€™s the opposite of what I envision for the queer community. 

Mid-Atlantic Leather weekend arrived in January, along with more sex workers. Once again, some approached me to share their storiesā€”about their aspirations, about their art, about their perspectives on the world. And once again, about the system of abuse designed against them from the start. I heard stories of young boys raped by their fathers, or friends of their fathers, or about the drugs used to coerce them into sexual activity. Sadly, just like a UFO witness, they are usually written off and never taken seriously, especially if they have a record of drug abuse or mental illness. Seems to be a pattern, doesnā€™t it? 

That said, these men are not solely victims. If anything, they took their trauma and turned it to their advantage. Iā€™d like to take this moment to thank them. Theyā€™re unsung heroesā€”each and every oneā€”in a nation that often shames them. 

Yet as proud as I am of these sex workers, my heart was equally broken. These stories were painful to hear, to say the least. I quickly grew paranoid of people around me, even friends at times. There were other times I sat alone in my apartment, bawling over the men I had lost, along with the pain others had experienced. This only strengthened my resolve to end it.Ā 

To top this all off, my final discovery came just two months ago. Turns out thereā€™s an X account publicly teasing me about this entire affair. The account even references this column and, according to the receipts, started well before I noticed concerning signs about my ex in the first place.  

Hello there, dear X account. It appears youā€™ve been observing me. Consider this my proverbial tapping back on the glass. 

Wowā€”there seems to be a lot of time, energy, and effort spent on little ole me. Why is that, I wonder? Iā€™ve mentioned before Iā€™m just a measly little barback who has been fired twice. Although looking back, those firings were strange too, werenā€™t they? 

Is it the abuse I uncovered? Is it the details of my loverā€™s past? Is it something I wrote? Is it a combination of the three? And is it possible that the little dark cloud thatā€™s been following me in D.C. is more intentional than I once thought? 

I may never learn the truth on my own, but I can pose another question: whatā€™s the only thing scarier than UFOs? To me thereā€™s just one answer: that UFOs were never real in the first place. Occasionally, answers to unsettling mysteries simply unearth more unsettling mysteries. 

I mentioned before in this column that I arrived to D.C. naĆÆve about the world, perhaps just as naĆÆve as Agents Scully and Mulder. Yet in my naivetĆ© I tripped on something: the rot hiding beneath the surface of our nationā€™s capital. No, it isnā€™t coincidence. It isnā€™t aliens, either. But whatever it is, I alone cannot identify it. 

Throughout my time uncovering this story, Iā€™ve come across friends, acquaintances, and even relatives who suffered abuse, along with threats or shaming to keep them quiet. They come from all races, creeds, backgrounds, and orientations, and as it turns out, some of the infrastructure of power in D.C. and in towns across this nation are built around it. While Iā€™m ready to tear it down, this isnā€™t just my story. I might be the one starting it, but itā€™s not on me to finish. 

The most I can do is hand the pen over to the victims. Iā€™ve shared my part. Now itā€™s their turn. As for the audience: I hope youā€™re now ready to start believing.  


Jake Stewart is a D.C.-based writer and barback.

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