Commentary
Recurring characters in a polyamorous world
Your relationship is about as customizable as your latte

As I worked on this piece, I received a rare WhatsApp notification on my phone. What did it say? Stay tuned, but first:
Ever imagine your life as a sitcom? Like most writers with Main Character Syndrome, I do all the time. I reflect on my setting, my episodic plots, my seasonal arcs, and the supporting cast making life more interesting. However minor the role these recurring characters play, one thing is certain: they shape our universe, for better or worse.
Often, my daily episodes start in a setting familiar to many: a coffee shop greeting me with the aroma of freshly ground beans and the chatter of patrons ready to seize their day. Well, thatās the romanticized version, anyway. Since I work late at a bar, itās usually early afternoon by the time I stroll in. By now the morning rush is long gone while Iām in disheveled clothes that may as well be pajamas, but regardless, my dayās first recurring character remains: my barista, Spencer.
With Technicolor dreads, anime memorabilia, and punny Steven Rhodes T-shirts, itās evident Spencer marches to the beat of their own drum. It makes sense, then, that Spencer became a welcomed friend when I moved into the neighborhood during the pandemic. Our encounters often made the 10-minute walk worth the overpriced cold brew.
Yet as I got to know Spencer, I found myself confused by their relationship status. They would recount their weekend speaking of their boyfriend, their daughter, their girlfriend, their partner, or their other partner. At first, I figured my memory was shit (partially true), until I finally learned that Spencer is in a polyamorous relationship.
Over the years, the term āpolyā has been casually tossed into relationship conversations. Typically, the natural follow-up is, āwhat exactly is poly?ā Turns out polyamory is a catchall term, so poly relationships can take various configurations. Open relationships, throuples, and even polygamy can be considered polyamorous, but the common theme is this: polyamory rejects the notion of a singular love in life and accepts that people can love multiple partners at the same time. Now polyamory is so widespread your barista might even partake, proving these days your relationship is about as customizable as your latte.
So, how exactly do these relationships start? Itās hard enough for me to get serious with one person, let alone two or more. Through my conversations I learned itās a gradual count as simple as one, two, three. This was the case for Spencer, since their boyfriend and girlfriend were a couple before they entered the picture. āWe had some mutual friends who introduced us,ā Spencer told me. āWe talked on and off for about a year and a half before they invited me over for dinner and vibes, which led to us hanging out more and more, until my boyfriend asked me to join the relationship.ā
Earlier this year, I read an article in the Atlantic about the rise of polyamory, which described the lifestyle as a luxury of the elite. āFrom their gilded pedestals,ā wrote the author of the rich, āthey declare polyamory superior to monogamy.ā From what I see, however, this is simply untrue. Perhaps our awareness of polyamory coincided with online images shared by the elite, but that doesnāt make it elite-only. Case in point: Spencer has been in their polyamorous relationship for nearly three years.
Moreover, Spencer is not an exception. Beyond baristas, coworkers appear in our sitcoms more often than friends or family sometimes. In a previous piece I wrote about Kelsey, our barās stylish door girl, who I learned was in a polyamorous relationship nearly a decade ago, exploring the trend before the trend was a trend.
Like Spencer, Kelseyās throupling didnāt happen overnight. āBack in college, I was exploring my bisexuality but hadnāt come out yet,ā said Kelsey. āI started casually dating a guy who casually dropped the bombshell that he was in an open relationship. I saw a picture of his partner and knew I had to meet her. When we finally met, sparks flew, and the three of us started hanging out. Before long, we were inseparable.ā
And Just Like That, Kelseyās sitcom went from āFelicityā to āThreeās Company.ā What I didnāt know until recently was the extra curveball thrown in. āFast forward,ā she started, āthey got pregnant, and we were all raising the baby together.ā
I was surprised to find not one but two polyamorous relationships raising a child. This might sound messy, but it works better than I thought. āWe run into a lot of the challenges most monogamous parents run into,ā Spencer explained. āThe main benefit Iād say is that [our daughter] has three parents who love and support her, will defend her, and will always take care of her. She has three people she can talk to or cry to, and we have all different opinions and experiences, so weāre able to give her unique advice or teachings.ā
This highlights another important aspect of polyamorous relationships: they are often more than fleeting affairs. To reach this label requires serious thought, deep conversation, and mutual agreement. The rest of us can snicker or balk at these triads all we want, but they easily become as serious as monogamous couplings, if not more so.
In fact, polyamory can even resolve the woes of monogamy. āI used to feel the pressure of having to be everything to one partner,ā said Kelsey, āand vice versa, but with two partners, that weight lifted. If one partner wanted to do an activity I didnāt want to, they could enjoy those activities together while I got to opt-out guilt-free.ā
Interestingly, while poly is considered solidly queer, homosexual relations are not a requirement. For both Kelsey and Spencer, there was at least one in their trio who remained heterosexual. This is because throuples often find a balance enabling all involved to be their optimal sexual selves. āI didnāt know at the time,ā Kelsey recounted, ābut Iām definitely a vers and got to express both my submissive and dominant sides.ā This makes sense, for sexual dynamics are complex. It can be a tall order to expect one person to satisfy everything we want.
That said, polyamory doesnāt come without its own complications, one being the perceptions of others. āMy mom didnāt really understand our dynamic at first,ā said Spencer, ābut once I explained our dynamic, sheās been super supportive. I have run into judgment from strangers who have ātraditionalā family values.ā
This echoed Kelseyās experience. āWhen we moved in together, my friends were initially shocked but ultimately accepting. For work events or family gatherings, it was always stressful figuring out if it was OK for all of us to go or only two.ā
And as in all relationships, emotions are entangled, which ultimately ended Kelseyās experience. āAfter about two years, I noticed the romance between the two of them started to fizzle. Their date nights became as rare as a unicorn sighting, eventually disappearing altogether. I felt like a referee in a never-ending match of jealousy and tension.ā Naturally, more people mean more feelings to manage, so the work that relationships require never truly goes away.
Relationship drama ā now that I can relate to, bringing me back to WhatsApp. The notification turned out to be a message from a special friend in South Africa. He and I met nearly a decade ago, when I studied abroad in the UK. Our chemistry was instant, and although we live separate lives in separate places, weāve managed time for friendly banter, romantic getaways and, on occasion, a quasi-lovers quarrel, which was the case just over a year ago.
We have barely spoken since our spat, yet here he was reaching out with an apology. I promptly apologized back. We both recognized that, at the end of the day, we still care about one another.
So, as I wrote this piece like some anthropologist analyzing a vastly different polyamorous culture, it struck me how the notion of āmany lovesā may not be as distant as I thought. I, like many queers, have experienced romantic connections that never truly went away. These few individuals check in on me, consistently root for me, and refuse to turn their back on me, even if we go a while without speaking. They know me well, often better than family, and theyāre almost always worth an apology.
Iād venture to say most of us have this kind of recurring character in our sitcoms. Perhaps someone comes to mind as you read this. Perhaps theyāve stayed in your orbit because the best is yet to come or, like Janice to Chandler or that creepy scientist to Phoebe, to help clarify what you truly want.
Perhaps, then, weāre all a little polyamorous, and the details of how and when we balance the loves of our lives are trivial at best. A polyamorous society of queers and queers-adjacent? Now thatās a twist I can get behind.Ā
Jake Stewart is a D.C.-based writer and barback.
Commentary
On this Transgender Day of Visibility, we canāt allow this administration to erase us
All people deserve to have our experiences included in the story of this country

By KELLAN BAKER | Since 2009, the world has observed Transgender Day of Visibility (TDOV) each March 31. The importance of āvisibilityā feels especially significant this year, not only as a trans person but for me as a researcher whose career has been centered on equity and inclusion for transgender people. My work over the past 16 years, which has focused on advancing fairness, access, and transparency in health care for gender diverse populations, could not have prepared me for the speed and cruelty at which the Trump administration has worked to literally erase transgender people from public life. Ā
From banning transgender people from serving openly in the military, blocking access to best practice medical care, and making it all but impossible for us to obtain accurate identification documents that match our gender, the impact of these attacks will be felt for years to come. As a scientist dedicated to fostering the health and wellbeing of diverse communities, I am particularly devastated by the intentional destruction of the federal research infrastructure and statistical systems that are intended to ensure the accurate and comprehensive collection of data on the full diversity of the U.S. population.
The importance of data cannot be understated. This makes the efforts by the federal government to remove survey questions, erase variables from key data sets, and stifle research even more alarming. By simultaneously removing access to existing datasets, removing gender (and other key measures, such as sexual orientation, race, and disability) from key surveys, terminating federal funding for research projects that include trans people, and censoring research projects at federal data centers, this administrationās goal is to erase the lived experiences of trans people ā with the idea that if we donāt exist in data and in research, the federal government can claim that we donāt exist at all.
Just in the past two months, weāve seen a rapid decimation of the inclusion of transgender people in federal research and their visibility in the federal statistical system.
Data sets that included gender measures have disappeared from federal websites. Critical data sets used by federal and state policymakers, public health staff, and researchers, such as the Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance System (YRBSS), were removed from the CDC website in response to a Trump executive order that made it the policy of the administration to recognize only two sexes, male and female. Although some datasets have been put back up, gender variables have been removed.
Surveys that had asked about gender identity no longer do. Claiming that the removal of gender identity measures from key national surveys such as the American Housing Survey, Household Pulse Survey, and National Health Interview Survey were ānon-substantial,ā the Trump administration has essentially skipped the extensive notice and public comment process that is required to make these types of changesāthe same process that were used to add gender identity (and sexual orientation) measures.
In addition, attempts to exclude trans people and other communities facing disparities from surveys will result in a lack of large enough sample sizes to conduct quality data analysis, while reducing any chance of analyzing racial and ethnic differences among trans people.
Hundreds of grants supporting inclusive research have been terminated. The unprecedented move of the National Institutes of Health (NIH) to terminate research grants that include transgender people is just one example of this administrationās rush to eliminate funding from active scientific projects. In many cases, similar agencies are also now required to remove gender identity measures from federally supported surveys. Prominent trans health researchers have watched as their research portfolios are halted, work stopped, staff laid off, and participants left without care.
At the Institute for Health Research & Policy at Whitman-Walker, for example, we have already had seven studies terminated, with a financial impact that exceeds $3 million. One of these cancelled grants was a multi-year, longitudinal study in partnership with the George Washington University to explore the impact of structural racism and anti-LGBTQ bias on HIV risk among young queer and trans people of color nationwide. The notices of termination for this and other awards clearly spell out the administrationās disdain for groundbreaking research that seeks to understand and address health disparities related to LGBTQ populations, particularly trans people.
Censoring research. As seen with recent changes implemented by the CDC, the censorship of gender-related terms on federal websites and scientific publications is intended to further the erasure of evidence detailing the disparities faced by LGBTQ people.
On a day dedicated to honoring the lives and contributions of trans people, the impact that these egregious actions will ultimately have on the health and wellbeing of trans and nonbinary people is chilling. Without access to this knowledge, researchers will not be able to examine the repercussions of the harmful policies put forth by this administration and many states across the country, including bans and restrictions that negatively impact trans peopleās physical and mental health, economic security, and educational outcomes.
Although there has been an effort by non-government entities to collect and store previously collected data prior to the Trump administrationās purges, state surveys, private research firms, and academics cannot fill the void left by the federal governmentās decision to halt data inclusion. Ensuring that public entities and researchers can continue to use these datasets is only one piece of the puzzle being taken on by groups such as the Data Rescue Project and repositories like Data Lumos. Work also continues thanks to the efforts of the U.S. Trans Survey, the California Health Interview Survey (CHIS), and the important research and analysis of both Gallup and The Pew Research Center. Yet, gaps still exist due to threats of federal funding cuts to organizations committed to safeguarding inclusive data assets in the wake of the administrationās continued assault on trans rights.
This administration suggests that removing one of the only tools available for identifying an entire population of people is a ānon-substantialā action. This not only questions the intelligence of the American people but is a direct insult to trans folks everywhere. All people deserve to be counted and to have our experiences included in the story of this country. Transgender people have always been a part of this country, and even if our nationās surveys choose to exclude us, we continue to existāauthentically, unapologetically, and forever visible.
Kellan Baker, Ph.D., M.P.H, M.A., is executive director of the Institute for Health Research & Policy at Whitman-Walker.
Commentary
Children of American service members defend Pentagon DEI policies
Students protested Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth during Germany visit

āAnd a little child shall lead them.ā (Isaiah 11:6)
Since the new U.S. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth began his assault on diversity, equality, and inclusion in the U.S. armed forces, hundreds of students at U.S. military schools in Europe and Japan ā the children of American servicemembers stationed overseas ā have staged walkouts and other demonstrations to protest the new policies.Ā Ā
When Hegseth visited Stuttgart, Germany ā the headquarters of U.S. European Command and U.S. Africa Command ā on Feb. 11, more than 50 students from the Alexander Patch Middle School held the first of these protests when they left their classes and gathered in the schoolās courtyard for an hour-long protest meeting.
More than a hundred students at the Nile Kinnick High School in Yokosuka, the children of Navy parents and Defense Department employees based at Yokosuka, Japan, the headquarters of the U.S. 7th Fleet, walked out of classes and held a protest in the schoolās courtyard on Feb. 21, chanting and carrying banners.
āI love this school; I think one of its strengths is its diversity,ā said Kinnick High School senior Chase Hassell, president of the student council and leader of the walkout. āI think we have such a great multicultural community, and I think that itās important for the development of all children ā not just us ā to have experience with different people of different beliefs and backgrounds,ā Hassell told Stars and Stripes after the demonstration.
And on March 6, hundreds of students participated in demonstrations at Humphrey High School at Camp Humphreys, South Korea, and at Ramstein High School and Kaiserslautern High School in Ramstein, Germany, and Wiesbaden High Schools in Wiesbaden, Germany, carrying signs that proclaimed āSolidary in Diversity,ā āCensorship is Un-American,ā āOur Classrooms Are Not Your Ideological Battleground,ā āThis Affects People of Color, LGBTQ+, Woman, and Everyone,ā and āMore Books, Less Bigots!ā
Thereās a great deal of anger around the country about what the Trump administration is saying and doing. But anger is not enough. These students are not just angry, theyāre actually doing something to fight back. Maybe we all have something to learn from them.
Daniel Volman is the director of the African Security Research Project in Washington, D.C., and a specialist on U.S. national security policy toward Africa and African security issues.
Commentary
Survivors of sex crimes are unsung heroes
Taking trauma and turning it to their advantage

(Editorās note: This is the second of a two-part story. Click here to read the first installment.)
Last month, I started watching āThe X-files.ā
For the most part I loved the show, with Agents Scully and Mulder as the primary reasons why. Yet what I found most frustrating was watching their investigations. As early as episode one, set in a small town of scared people guarded by scary men, Agent Scully proposed coincidences while Agent Mulder proposed aliens. Despite the episode having ācultā written all over it, both agents seemed none the wiser.
Recently, I learned the FBI has an open process for writers and other creatives to learn how the agency works. I also discovered the FBI has a history of monitoring writers. In fact, the FBI is about as image-conscious as your typical D.C. gay, making me wonder how the āX-Filesā moved forward with little pushback. Thatās about as interesting as UFOs being discovered in New Mexico as we tested the atomic bomb.
But if youāre reading this, you likely want me to shut up about the āX-Filesā and get back to my story. When I left off, my friend had disappeared and my work cleared me of any wrongdoing. That said, I was mysteriously fired in September 2022ānearly a year after the initial incidentāand just six weeks after my boss learned that I wrote books.
The process of my firing was strange, to say the least. First and foremost, I was never given a reason. To this day it remains a mystery. My now-former employerāa high-profile lobbying firmāthen bullied me into signing an NDA to access my severance.
By the way, I negotiated up. While I donāt know what I did, I had a feeling I had that power. I was right.
Just prior to the firing, they asked me to bring in my laptop so they could download my files. This rang an alarm for me, primarily because they never gave me a laptop. So, they wanted me to bring in my personal laptop. As a writer with original materials, I reasonably asked what constituted a work file. I never received an answer.
Coincidentally, I met my ex-boyfriend exactly one week before I got fired. He is the same ex-boyfriend from my religion piece, in which I mentioned he fell into hard times. Specifically, I was referring to concerning signs I spotted last April, primarily on the gay apps, and with memories of the last boy still fresh on my mind, I refused to let another slip from my grasp.
So, what did I do? I dove headfirst into hell in a messy attempt to rescue him. After playing this new game of cat-and-mouse in which I was said mouse, allow me to share what I learned: Over the course of several months, I spotted sketchy characters at my exās placeācharacters I suspected dealt hard drugs, which was highly out of character for him. Moreover, I found online accounts promoting extremely suspect pornography and, yes, pimping services on X (formerly Twitter), some of which looked a lot like my ex. While I didnāt know what exactly was happening, I knew something was off, but when I confronted my ex, he denied it.
Being the stubborn asshole that I am, I decided to check these sketchy characters out for myself. It turns out I was spot on about their sketchiness. I learned they not only drug unsuspecting young men in a coordinated manner, but once drugged they sexually violate them andāif drugged enoughābegin recording videos. Itās all made to look random yet safe; for example, there always seems to be a nurse in the group who is āexperiencedā in administering needles.
Once I had proof these people were unsafe, I took further action for my ex. In mid-November, I reached out to someone in his personal life, which was a tough decision since he was closeted. I was strategic and chose someone who knew he was bisexual, and after connecting with her on Instagram, spoke on the phone with her the next morning. Upon hearing my concerns, she agreed based on her own observations.
Apparently, she spotted signs of him being physically harmed over the summer. She and I spoke for hours on end about the situation and how we could help him. Then, just a week later, I lost contact with her and my ex. I havenāt heard from either since.
I eventually grew concerned enough to contact the police and the FBI. In the meantime, particularly following my trauma article, sex workers approached me to share their storiesāprimarily stories of rape and abuse alongside a power structure rooted in it. As for those who try to oppose this system? Theyāre often written off as mentally ill.
I donāt know about you, but I refuse to live in a world where young queers are shepherded into this system. Thatās the opposite of what I envision for the queer community.
Mid-Atlantic Leather weekend arrived in January, along with more sex workers. Once again, some approached me to share their storiesāabout their aspirations, about their art, about their perspectives on the world. And once again, about the system of abuse designed against them from the start. I heard stories of young boys raped by their fathers, or friends of their fathers, or about the drugs used to coerce them into sexual activity. Sadly, just like a UFO witness, they are usually written off and never taken seriously, especially if they have a record of drug abuse or mental illness. Seems to be a pattern, doesnāt it?
That said, these men are not solely victims. If anything, they took their trauma and turned it to their advantage. Iād like to take this moment to thank them. Theyāre unsung heroesāeach and every oneāin a nation that often shames them.
Yet as proud as I am of these sex workers, my heart was equally broken. These stories were painful to hear, to say the least. I quickly grew paranoid of people around me, even friends at times. There were other times I sat alone in my apartment, bawling over the men I had lost, along with the pain others had experienced. This only strengthened my resolve to end it.Ā
To top this all off, my final discovery came just two months ago. Turns out thereās an X account publicly teasing me about this entire affair. The account even references this column and, according to the receipts, started well before I noticed concerning signs about my ex in the first place.
Hello there, dear X account. It appears youāve been observing me. Consider this my proverbial tapping back on the glass.
Wowāthere seems to be a lot of time, energy, and effort spent on little ole me. Why is that, I wonder? Iāve mentioned before Iām just a measly little barback who has been fired twice. Although looking back, those firings were strange too, werenāt they?
Is it the abuse I uncovered? Is it the details of my loverās past? Is it something I wrote? Is it a combination of the three? And is it possible that the little dark cloud thatās been following me in D.C. is more intentional than I once thought?
I may never learn the truth on my own, but I can pose another question: whatās the only thing scarier than UFOs? To me thereās just one answer: that UFOs were never real in the first place. Occasionally, answers to unsettling mysteries simply unearth more unsettling mysteries.
I mentioned before in this column that I arrived to D.C. naĆÆve about the world, perhaps just as naĆÆve as Agents Scully and Mulder. Yet in my naivetĆ© I tripped on something: the rot hiding beneath the surface of our nationās capital. No, it isnāt coincidence. It isnāt aliens, either. But whatever it is, I alone cannot identify it.
Throughout my time uncovering this story, Iāve come across friends, acquaintances, and even relatives who suffered abuse, along with threats or shaming to keep them quiet. They come from all races, creeds, backgrounds, and orientations, and as it turns out, some of the infrastructure of power in D.C. and in towns across this nation are built around it. While Iām ready to tear it down, this isnāt just my story. I might be the one starting it, but itās not on me to finish.
The most I can do is hand the pen over to the victims. Iāve shared my part. Now itās their turn. As for the audience: I hope youāre now ready to start believing.
Jake Stewart is a D.C.-based writer and barback.
-
Virginia5 days ago
Fairfax County School Board issues Trans Day of Visibility proclamation
-
Trinidad and Tobago5 days ago
Trinidad and Tobago recriminalizes homosexuality
-
National2 days ago
Destination Tomorrow works to empower LGBTQ community
-
Maryland2 days ago
At transgender visibility celebration, Moore called out for lack of action