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The ultimate guide to queer gift giving
Fun and memorable ideas for everyone on your list
The holidays are an excellent distraction after a difficult election cycle. Instead of churning out endless political memes on social media (really, give it a rest), turn your attention to making memories and exchanging gifts, like these carefully curated selections thatโll lighten the mood, facilitate festiveness, and bring joy to those on your Nice List.
Le Creuset Bread Oven

Honed your sourdough skills during COVID lockdowns? Level โem up in Le Creusetโs handsome enameled cast-iron bread oven, available in seven of the French manufacturerโs signature ombrรฉ hues, for stunning artisan loaves ideal for gifting or your own private gluttony. Make it a meal with Julia Turshenโs Fastest Chicken Noodle Soup recipe from the queer cookโs latest book, โWhat Goes with What.โ $300, Food52.com; $26, Amazon.com
Imogene + Willie Tees/Accessories

Streetwear takes the sophisticated track via imogene + willieโs audacious selection of graphic tees and accessories, like its popular โboltโ in black and increasingly prescient โburn it allโ tees, along with accessories that include the standout โbroncoโ trucker and โdead wrongโ knit watch cap. For queers of a certain age (you know who you are), these style-forward mix-ins give edge without looking desperately trendy or โ God forbid โ completely out of touch (you know who you are, too). $38-$68, imogeneandwillie.com
Cedar Ridge The QuintEssential

If you need a drink that packs a punch this holiday season, Cedar Ridge The QuintEssential is the American single-malt whiskey up to the task with its notes of caramel and vanilla combined with a persistent pepperiness thatโs H-O-T-T-O-G-O. $60, CedarRidgeDistillery.com
Beekman 1802 Advent Calendar
Thereโs no place like home when youโve got Beekman 1802โs luxurious storybook-inspired advent calendar to see you through the holidays, each door revealing one of 24 cult-fave face and beauty products, including 16 full-size bestsellers. Bring the somewhere-over-the-rainbow sentiment 360 with a few selections from the boysโ โWickedโ-branded lineup, like the Glamorous Gal Bodycare Gift Set or Make Your Own Magic 3-Pack Bar Soap Set, for all the good witches (and bad bitches) in your life. $179, Beekman1802.com
La Boule Dinnerware Set

Villeroy & Boch brings a splash of panache to the home cookโs table with its multicolored, premium porcelain La Boule seven-piece dinnerware sets โ in Miami and Memphis styles โ which include two stackable regular bowls, two pasta bowls, two plates and one serving tray that form a single nesting round and an artistic conversation piece after the dishes are done. $450, Villeroy-Boch.com
Pasturebird Chicken/โHot Onesโ Season 25 10-pack

Read the reviews for Pasturebird free-range chicken products (five stars across the board, including its holiday-ready party wings), and youโll be an instant convert โ especially after you light โem up with Heatonistโs โHot Onesโ Season 25 10-pack, featuring flavors like Little Dickโs Ghost Pepper Pear, Pepper Northโs Jerk & Scotch Bonnet, and Hot Onesโ own The Last Dab: Xperience, an apropos name for the Pepper X-based sauce with a Scoville Heat Unit rating of over 2.6 million. (For reference, a classic buffalo clocks in at a mere 1,800 SHU.) Santa might be S.O.L. on milk this year. $10-25, Pasturebird.com; $120, Heatonist.com
Pepper Pong Game

Pepper Pong โ a 2023 Best New Game winner โ is ping pongโs โgo-anywhere, do-anything, challenge-anyone cousinโฆ with a mean mullet and pickleball-infused DNA,โ according to its website, and that translates to a whole lot of fun for the whole family. $70, PepperPong.com
The EnergyLounger

Need a timeout? Youโll get one with a kickback on the EnergyLounger wellness platform offering cutting-edge, full-body red and near-infrared light therapy sessions designed for relaxation and rejuvenation in the comfort of your own home. Benefits include reduced pain and stiffness, improved blood circulation, and cell regeneration for an experience thatโll take you away when Calgon ainโt cuttinโ it. $7,500-$9,998, EnergyLounger.com
DC Comics Style Guide/Batman DVD set

Pair a reissue of the 1982 DC Comics Style Guide โ designed to assist licensees in delivering a consistent look for the brandโs celebrated Super Heroes โ with the Batman 85th Anniversary 10-Film Collection, which includes fan-favorite animated classics like โThe Killing Joke,โ โThe Long Halloween,โ and โSoul of the Dragon,โ among others, for a gift thatโll instantly elevate you to Super Friend. $95, StandardsManual.com; $200, Amazon.com
FinaMill Grinder

Save your knuckles from skin-chewing microplanes and graters with a convenient automated replacement in the rechargeable FinaMill Grinder that allows kitchen whizzes to season with ease thanks to its one-handed click-grind-release technology. Max and Pro Plus pods pulverize everything from cardamom seeds to coffee beans sans blood, sweat or tears, in complementary culinary mill colors that include black, white, red and gray. $100, FinaMill.com
Tom of Finland Duffel

Henry Cavill is a prime candidate for the anatomical embodiment of a Tom of Finland illustration, and itโs hard not to fantasize about the oversized actor decked out in head-to-toe leather, especially after you cop Loqiโs Tom of Finland Day & Night Recycled Weekender, featuring all-over printed ToF artwork that looks suspiciously like Superman. $40, Loqi.com
Dwayne Chestnut Sunglasses

Did Vontรฉlle sleep on the opp to name its Dwayne Chestnuts flip-up transitioning glasses the Dwayne Waynes, paying homage to the iconic spectacle-shades popularized by Kadeem Hardison on โA Different Worldโ? Perhaps. But slap on a pair of these bad boys and youโll bring all the early-โ90s vibes (and maybe a few Whitleys or Ron Johnsons) to the yard. $189, Vontelle.com
Danish Creamery UCS

Danish Creamery โ renowned for its fresh-churned European-style butter โ offers its branded ugly Christmas sweater that includes a tiny additional sweater to dress up your serving dish, in a twofer thatโs both salty and sweet. $80, UglyChristmasSweater.com
Andy Warhol x Absolut Vodka

Art imitates life imitating art in Absolut Vodkaโs full-circle Andy Warhol collaboration featuring elements of the pop iconโs overlooked 1985 blue bottle painting, rediscovered in 2020. With colors extracted directly from the original work and made with multi-layer screen printing to create an authentic sensory experience to touch, the spirited 2024 collectorโs item also includes a QR code that opens a portal into the world of Warhol and the story behind both brandsโ historic and enduring connection, this limited-edition release now among them. $26, ReserveBar.com
Mikey Rox is an award-winning journalist and LGBTQ lifestyle expert whose work has appeared in more than 100 publications around the world. Connect with Mikey on Instagram @mikeyroxtravels.
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Ryan Murphyโs โMonsterโ vilifies the lesbian
Netflix show promotes stereotype that queer women are dangerous
Ryan Murphyโs โMonster: The Lizzie Borden Storyโ just premiered on Netflix and became the most watched show on the platform. Murphy and his series are deeply controversial. The past three seasons have focused on convicted killers Jeffrey Dahmer, Lyle and Erik Menendez, and Ed Gein, and have garnered considerable criticism for sensationalizing real-life trauma, exploiting victims for entertainment, and glorifying the perpetrators.
But his newest season centers on Lizzie Borden, the white, affluent Massachusetts woman still referenced today in nursery rhymes who was never convicted of killing her parents Andrew and Abby Borden. As with Murphyโs other seasons, the show plays fast-and-loose with real-life history, instead turning a real-life crime into a psychosexual spectacle.
In real life, Lizzie was found not guilty by an all-male jury in the highly publicized 1892 trial, largely due to a lack of evidence including blood on her clothing and a murder weapon. Her initial statement contradicted her later testimony but her defense team argued that the morphine a doctor repeatedly gave her likely caused her confusion. But despite the fact that Lizzie was acquitted in court, she was ostracized by her community during her life and has been branded a murderer ever since.
Murphyโs highly fictionalized retelling of Lizzieโs story leans into this accusation not only that Lizzie murdered her father and stepmother with an axe but that she was successful in covering it up with the help of the maid Bridget Sullivan. Murphy not only concocts a sapphic relationship between Lizzie and Bridget, pinning the idea of killing Lizzieโs parents on the widely traveled woman who dyes her hair and is repeatedly called a lesbophobic slur by Lizzieโs stepmother, but also portrays Lizzie as an inspiration to Aileen Carol Wuornos, a woman who killed seven men who solicited sex and was also in a relationship with a woman.
Further, Murphyโs retelling creates a false ending to Lizzieโs story. While in real life, Lizzie and her sister Emma buy a house called โMaplecroftโ and live there for the rest of their lives, Murphy instead imagines Bridget returning sporadically for romantic rendezvous with Lizzie and eventually moving back in with her and marching together for womenโs right to vote. In real life, Bridget left town immediately after providing testimony and lived in Montana until she died.
Lesbophobia is at the heart of this retelling of Bordenโs story. Despite the fact that Murphy depicts Lizzie and Bridget having sex and possibly getting married or at least promising themselves to one another wearing flower crowns, there is no evidence that Lizzie and Bridget had any romantic or sexual relationship. If they did have a relationship, it would likely have been hidden and any evidence destroyed, but records show that Lizzie herself refused to call Bridget by her real name, instead referring to her as โMaggie,โ the name of their previous maid. It was only Lizzieโs stepmother Abby who called Bridget her real name. In Murphyโs retelling, itโs Lizzieโs stepmother Abby who refuses to learn or use Bridgetโs actual name and treats her with disdain along with her stepdaughter.
Some people online argue that we are witnessing Lizzieโs story retold through Wuornosโs perspective, so adding in elements of child abuse and sapphic relationships would make sense, but there is no record that Wuornos ever visited Lizzie Bordenโs home, or that she was inspired by Borden throughout her life. Instead, Murphy and his co-creator Ian Brennan use (or I would say exploit) Wuornos as a thematic device to make broad stereotypes about female rage across generations. In doing so, they conflate two real-life examples of violence to sapphic individuals.
Depicting a lesbian relationship in this way is not progress, nor is it fruitful representation today. As sapphic shows are increasingly cut and cancelled, Murphyโs inclusion just reinforces the lesbophobic and sexist stereotype that lesbians and queer women are โdangerousโ to straight women and abet or incite violence against men and a family unit. At a time when anti-LGBTQ+ legislation and real-world violence and murder of LGBTQ+ people, especially queer and trans people of color, is exploding, stories that frame murder of a family unit as germinating from a sapphic relationship feed into far right narratives.
They further the myth popularized by far right leaders (including those in the highest echelons of government) that LGBTQ+ people are dangerous, a threat to heterosexual norms and family life, despite the data showing that children of same-sex parents have above average health and well-being according to research by the University of Melbourne.
Today, many LGBTQ+ people feel they have to be (or are forced to be) idealized versions of themselves in order to stave off anti-LGBTQ+ stigma, policing and violence. These โacceptableโ behaviors and appearances are rooted not only in cisgender, heterosexual norms but also white supremacy, colonialism, xenophobia, and ableism. It is respectability politics that tell us how we can and should behave (including those perpetuating in the wider LGBTQ+ community) and push LGBTQ+ people to assimilate into a society governed by queerphobic normativity.
I hope itโs clear that Iโm not trying to argue that we cannot and should not have shows that depict queer women who kill, or at the very least queer women who are unethical or morally complex. We need these depictions because they ask difficult questions and they reference how some LGBTQ+ people can be and are unethical. In fact, several public LGBTQ+ figures are associated with employee abuse and exploitation, ableism, and fat phobia.
But when Lizzieโs sapphic identity is invented to drive the story along, arguably to generate interest (especially straight menโs interest) in this spectacle of historical slop, itโs not a story that invites discourse and dimensionality, itโs one that collapses Lizzie, Wuornos, and queer womenโs identities and relationships to plot devices. It objectifies and fetishizes queer women, arguably committing violence against not only Lizzie but also Wuornos.
And when there is so little representation of sapphic relationships on mainstream television or streaming platforms, it makes this the vast majority of representation that queer girls and women will see of themselves first, and that the straight public will see. Historians will know that Murphyโs depiction of Lizzieโs life is wrong, but many viewers will not and may not go digging for the truth.
Why not focus on the stories of bisexual, lesbian, and queer women who really existed, shared their identities (sometimes covertly, sometimes not), and had long-term partners? In fact, โBoston marriagesโ were common in this time period and referred to women living together when sexual and romantic relationships between women were illegal, partially because penal systems didnโt know how women could have sex with one another and didnโt want to put the idea in โimpressionableโ womenโs minds. Why not focus on these stories instead of creating a fictionalized account? We have always existed; we do not need to invent relationships.
Murphyโs depiction of Lizzie Borden is deeply problematic. Lesbophobia is not the only issue at the heart of Murphyโs drama, but it merits a broader discussion about how mainstream media routinely hurt queer women and is part of perpetuating queerphobic violence, and what we all lose in the process.
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Writing a play about Lincoln leads down a rabbit hole to a closet
As LGBT History Month arrives, new hints that our greatest president was gay
Abraham Lincoln treasured poetry and it turns out his particular favorites were pretty queer, but I never would have detected that if I hadnโt decided to write a stage comedy about his sex life. In my research for the play, I stumbled across what I believe is new evidence that Lincoln and Joshua Speed were lovers. The remarkable thing is that the evidence has been sitting in plain sight for more than 150 years.
The rabbit hole swallowed me in 2019, when C.A. Trippโs revolutionary biography โThe Intimate World of Abraham Lincolnโ somehow fell into my hands. I was embarrassingly late to the Lincoln-was-gay partyโTrippโs book had come out 14 years earlierโand the wonderful-to-me news that Lincoln played for my team started me plotting out a play, because I was pretty sure if I didnโt know this, lots of people didnโt and inquiring minds want to know, and the young queers of America should be told that they have yet another genius over whom to kvell.ย
Historians and myth makers alikeโoften itโs hard to tell the differenceโhave always painted Abe straight, and now that itโs in question theyโve gotten peevish and insistent because, cโmon, bro, everybody knows that in the 19th century all the guys were writing each other gushingly romantic letters and sharing a bed every night for four years. Meanwhile, the Queer Studies crowd assures us that they, the inventors of homosexuality, had not yet invented it, so it couldnโt be that.
But what kind of play to write? I wanted to put at least two of his lovers into it, and no playwright with any sense of drama would omit Abeโs mad, physically abusive, spendthrift wife Mary. To get all of them in the same place at the same time meant bedroom farce. Keeping oneโs lovers from knowing about each other is the keystone of bedroom farce and why the sets have so many doors. Speed, the great love of Lincolnโs life, who often visited the White House during the Civil War, would arrive while Lincolnโs wartime lover Army Captain David Derickson was there, too, and Abe would conceal them from each other and from Mary, who is suspicious and dangerous and prone to striking her husband. I also folded in Lincolnโs writing of the Emancipation Proclamation, which in the play is helped along by an invented Black housekeeper, who has suspiciously 20th-century opinions and a shiny new invention: the animatronic steampunk Lincoln robot. “The Loves of Lincolnโ finally had its world premiere on June 19 of this year in Memphis, Tenn., where it was nominated for the best new original play of the 2025โ26 season, and lost. Now weโre getting to the part about Lord Byron. Wait for it. Itโs coming. Weโre still setting the scene.
A cute, redheaded, gay Broadway producer told me the play would be stronger with a different kind of ending and for once a producerโs note was spot onโthe play needed a final confrontation between Lincoln and Speed over love and slavery. The Speeds had dozens of slavesโlots more than Mary Todd Lincolnโs family, who had a few themselves. To write the scene I needed to know more than I did about the Speed-Lincoln relationship during the war. Speed was helping Lincoln keep the border state of Kentucky in line, but on the other hand his great wealth depended on slavery.
Time for some research. Enter โYour Friend Forever, A. Lincoln: The Enduring Friendship of Abraham Lincoln and Joshua Speedโ (2016, Columbia University Press) by Charles B. Strozier, a โpsychobiographerโ who does the usual somersaults to explain away Lincolnโs behavior as straight because writing gushingly romantic letters to other guys and sleeping in the same bed for four years was absolutely not gay in the 19th century, which is proved by the fact that all the guys were doing it. Which kind of made me want to build a time machine and stop off in 19th-century Illinois on my way to ancient Greece. And then, suddenly, sitting there quietly on page 45, like a dangling thread on a cardigan begging to be pulled, was the interesting datum that Joshua lent his gangly, athletic bedmate books, among them Joshuaโs โfavoriteโ: Lord Byron.
The same Lord Byron who cut a swath a kilometer wide across the comely young men of Greece? The notorious libertine and sodomiteโthat Lord Byron? Well, yes, and itโs not hard to draw a line straight from there to Lincolnโs closet (coincidentally, one of the doors in The Loves of Lincoln leads into a closetโโWhy is my husband always in the closet?โ), but for some reason, up to now, no one I know of has drawn that line.
Understand, just reading Byron does not make Josh and Abe homosexuals. Byron was a big seller and lots of straight men read him, though perhaps not while gazing dreamily into each otherโs eyes (Joshuaโs wide and blue, Abeโs a melancholy gray), and OK we donโt know thatโs exactly how it went down, but we do know other interesting things thanks to William Herndon.
Bill was a clerk in Speedโs general store, the store Speed and Lincoln slept above, and later the junior partner in Lincolnโs Springfield law practice. Herndon worshipped Lincoln. After the assassination he interviewed pretty much every significant person in Lincolnโs life, in what Strozier called one of the first oral history projects in America. Naturally, he interviewed Speed, who reported Lincolnโs passion for the poetry of Byron. The sexual significance of the connection between Speed, Byron, and Lincoln has up to now been ignored by all biographersโeven the queer ones, like Tripp, who tried and did make the case for Lincolnโs homosexuality. Speed told Herndon he had introduced Lincoln to Byron: โI don’t think he had ever read much of Byron previous to my acquaintance with him.โ Lord Byronโs poetry was a stew of intense male friendship, forbidden sexuality, secrecy, alienation, and erotic misbehavior, and in the wake of his scandalous divorce his name had for years been a transatlantic byword for transgressive sexuality. Byron also became, alongside Burns, Milton and Shakespeare, one of Lincolnโs four favorite writers.
Hereโs where things get juicy. Speed said that, in particular, โLincoln loved The Bride of Abydos.โ Byron wrote the poem in the wake of his travels through the Ottoman Empire, which was partly what we today would call sex tourism. The poemโs beautiful young hero Selim is extremely feminized, conceals his true identity from his girlfriend (whom everyone thinks is his sister but theyโre cousins), and only later reveals that he has a secret double lifeโin the case of the poem, as the leader of a band of pirates. Now thereโs a secret life with an All-Male Cast. Weโll let you supply the pirate joke that goes right here.
It gets better. Herndonโs admittedly fragmentary notes from the Speed interview also specifically bring up Byronโs โTo Inez,โ the extraordinary lyric in โChilde Haroldโ in which a man tells a woman that her beauty gives him no pleasure, that her eyes scarcely charm him, and that she must not attempt to discover his โsecret woeโ or โunmaskโ his heart. The subtext that leaps off the page, given that Byron was, as the actor Michael Redgrave described himself to his son, โto say the least of it, bisexual,โ is that the speaker is in the closet. In the last stanza, he begs her not to pry:
What is that worst? Nay, do not askโ
In pity from the search forbear:
Smile onโnor venture to unmask Man’s heart,
and view the Hell that’s there.
So, queer-coded Byronic poetry formed an important part of Lincolnโs imaginative world, and Speed remembered that fact nearly 30 years later, and told it to Herndon almost as if leaving literary breadcrumbs for posterity. As far as I have been able to determine, no previous Lincoln biographer or scholar of Lincoln’s sexuality has examined the queer implications of the Byron poems Speed specifically remembered Lincoln reading. Why has this been missed?
All of this would be meaningless if Speed and Lincoln didnโt understand that Byron was a lover of men, but I assert that they would have. Lincoln was a discerning reader with a famously penetrating, tenacious mind that wouldnโt let go of a thing until he understood it thoroughlyโand a huge fund of worldly knowledge. He was by this time in the Illinois Legislature, had campaigned all over the state, and lawyers often encounter the seamy side of life, whether they seek it out or not. Furthermore, although Byronโs indisputable affairs with men werenโt explicitly documented in 19th century biographies and periodicals as they are today (the conventions and laws of the time all but guaranteed euphemism), rumors of Byronโs โunnaturalโ conduct crossed the Atlantic even during his lifetime. Articles repeatedly referred to an unnamed, horrifying, or โunnaturalโ offense, a โpeculiar enormity,โ and conduct violating the โban of nature.โ In 19th century usage, โunnatural crimeโ was a familiar euphemism for sodomy, while phrases like โpeculiar enormityโ and โban of natureโ invited readers to imagine sexual offenses too scandalous to name. Why use the words at all if readers werenโt going to get the point? American readers had easy access to Byron biographies and memoirs, including Thomas Medwinโs “Conversations of Lord Byronโ and Thomas Mooreโs enormously influential โLetters and Journals of Lord Byron,โ while American periodicals discussed the Byron memoir burned by his friends and the salacious suspicions around its contents. Lincoln and Speed would certainly have understood that one of the unmentionable sexual accusations surrounding Byron was man-on-man action.
Lincolnโs love of Byronโs queer-coded writings, fostered by Speed, โprovesโ little on its own, but a lot when added to the rest of the evidence. And itโs part of an even bigger story: reversing the erasure of queerness from history and documenting that many of humankindโs greatest achievements are thanks to queer individuals. Both Lincoln and Speed had beards, literal and metaphoricalโthey didnโt want their secret spilled while they were alive. But then again, I like to think that when Joshua Speed told William Herndon of Lincolnโs love for those poems, he imagined a day when their love could be decoded and celebrated. Come to think of it, that day is today.
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Acclaimed Chef Patrick OโConnellโs memoir reveals the arc of a life well lived
Overcoming obstacles to serve everyone from Jerry Falwell to Queen Elizabeth
Renowned three-Michelin-star Chef Patrick OโConnell says food and wine hold a unique ability to bring people together. Indeed, he has served everyone from right-wing zealot Jerry Falwell to Britainโs Queen Elizabeth during his decades at the beloved Inn at Little Washington in rural Virginia.
OโConnellโs compelling new memoir, โMain, Middle & Gayโ is out Sept. 15 from Celadon Books and offers a deeply personal account of how he transformed his love of food and affinity for the finer things into an iconic inn and restaurant that draws diners from around the world nearly 50 years after it opened in 1978.ย

OโConnell is launching the book with an event on Sept. 18 at Lisner Auditorium featuring Chef Josรฉ Andrรฉs and former Washington Post food critic Tom Sietsema. He met Andrรฉs just after Andrรฉs began to work in D.C. and was โon fire with ideas.โ
โWe sat next to each other at Charlie Trotterโs restaurant and the meal went on for hours and we had a natural rapport,โ OโConnell told the Blade in a recent interview. โThe chemistry will be fun and lively and unpredictable and exciting. I think weโre all different personalities and weโll compliment each other.โ
OโConnell said heโs excited to hold the event at Lisner.
โI studied theater at Catholic University and transferred to GWU so itโs a coming home party and Lisner has been there since I was a kid and it was always like D.C.โs Carnegie Hall. It feels like going home to my old stomping grounds.โ
OโConnell hopes to bring the book to life visually at the event and he has produced a short film that will be screened.
The book traces the self-taught OโConnellโs remarkable journey from rural paperboy and short-order cook to proprietor of one of the worldโs most celebrated restaurants and Relais & Chรขteaux hotels. Along the way we learn about the many challenges he faced โ from distrustful and homophobic local residents in Washington, Va., to an expensive, public โdivorceโ from his longtime romantic and business partner, Reinhardt Lynch.
“It parallels the evolution of American cuisine over 50 years,โ he said. โItโs a rare perspective to be in the trenches for that long.โ
OโConnell writes candidly about his relationship with Lynch. The two opened the restaurant together โ OโConnell running the kitchen and Lynch handling the business. But OโConnellโs accolades and growing notoriety led to jealousy that triggered a protracted falling out and dissolution of both their personal relationship and business partnership. Lynch, as recalled by OโConnell, attempted to secretly sell his 50 percent of the business but ultimately agreed to sell his stake back to OโConnell for a reported $17.5 million. โThe Washington Post ran with it as a salacious celebrity divorce story and included all the financial details,โ he writes.
After taking full control of the Inn just as the recession of 2008 hit, OโConnell writes of the scrutiny of guests who assumed Lynchโs absence would lead to a slip in quality. โThe place couldnโt be just as good as ever. It would have to be better.โ
What happened next proved a royal opportunity as Queen Elizabeth visited Virginia to commemorate the 400th anniversary of the founding of the state and OโConnell was asked to cater a reception. This chapter is filled with juicy details and behind-the-scenes anecdotes about the pressures of cooking for the Queen. The subsequent media attention proved lucrative for the Inn and photos of the Queenโs visit still hang in the Inn.
There are references to OโConnellโs sexual orientation throughout the book and he doesnโt shy from addressing his long relationship with Lynch or the resistance the couple encountered when they settled in sleepy Washington, Va.
โI didnโt realize that I was walking into a prejudiced hornetโs nest that I wasnโt fully prepared for and there was a great deal of hostility in part because they didnโt understand anything about what we were attempting to do here so everything about us and our desire to run a fine restaurant was foreign to them,โ OโConnell told the Blade. โThe irony of a place opening in the center of town of 150 people and at that time the word โgayโ wasnโt used here. It was as if they didnโt have space in their consciousness for such a thing. We were regarded as counter culture people.
โThe restaurant became a success almost overnight and the locals couldnโt understand what the buzz was about,โ OโConnell continued. โThey thought food is food and why would anyone drive 60 miles out here for food. They became resentful of the โoutsidersโ who came. Two outsiders were opening a restaurant and drawing other outsiders out here to a place where there werenโt many jobs. There was resentment on many levels by some โ not all. They thought it would go away.โ
But OโConnell said he never made his sexuality the focus of his work. Rather, he wanted to use food to bring people of all backgrounds together.
โI never made a point or attempted to make that a central focus on my work,โ he said. “I felt that I had found my spot in the universe where I belonged, I loved living here, it was a sanctuary.โ
OโConnellโs insistence that everyone is welcome has sometimes created tension and negative press, as when President Trump presented him with a National Humanities Medal that brought criticism from some progressives.
โWe see a fascinating clientele here; we donโt judge and weโre not political,โ he said. โWhen people come they are entitled to our hospitality.โ
One of those people was televangelist and notorious homophobe Jerry Falwell, who made a reservation at the Inn years ago. OโConnellโs instruction to the staff was to treat Falwell like any other guest.
โWe have an image of someone who maybe we would think would be hostile or judgmental and they often surprise us,โ OโConnell said. โWe held our breath and hereโs Falwell working the tables and saying this is the best meal Iโve ever had, arenโt these two guys great and we thought heโs doing PR for us and heโs supposed to be the devil.โ
OโConnell said he sees that dynamic play out night after night at the Inn. One of the most conservative national Republican figures, he said, is a regular and Vice President JD Vance dined at the Inn recently. Focusing on the food and hospitality for all constitutes OโConnellโs brand of activism.
โFood does bring people together,โ he said. โAnd youโre doing your part in erasing preconceived judgements.โ
He said he and his team did more to advance understanding and acceptance by focusing on hospitality than if โwe were out marching.โ
As evidence, he said, there are more and more gay couples moving to the area and the townโs mayor, Joe Whited, is gay.
โWeโre the biggest employer in the county and largest taxpayer,โ he added. โThe Inn pays the town almost $1 million per year and property values are getting to be like Palm Beach. And that wasnโt a goal it was a byproduct of doing something as well as it could be done.โ
But the book isnโt hagiography. OโConnell revisits traumatic events, like childhood bullies who attacked him for wearing a Little Red Riding Hood costume for Halloween and a sexual assault he endured as a young teenager aboard a bus.
โI donโt know why I couldnโt call out for help or try to make the man stop,โ OโConnell writes of the incident. โI didnโt want to call attention to the situation and felt completely implicated. Once it began there was no stopping it.โ
Interestingly, OโConnell told the Blade that one of the things he learned in writing the book is how little heโs changed since childhood.
โPeople tend to lock away a lot of childhood memories for good reason and in a book youโre reliving them and bringing them to life,โ he said. “And my revelation is that I donโt think Iโve changed much since I was six and I think most peopleโs identity is pretty developed in their very early years and their personality is clear. What amused me most is Iโm doing the same things now that I did in miniature as a five and six year old.โ
As for popular TV shows about the restaurant business, OโConnell says he doesnโt watch them.
โItโs fake,โ he said. โThere are much more colorful characters and itโs much more exciting in real life. Nobody seems capable of capturing that. So maybe this [book] will have the effect of doing that and showing what it takes.โ
OโConnell said the books and stories he most enjoys reading are those that start in childhood and carry through until late in life. He has certainly delivered that in โMain, Middle & Gay,โ a moving, fearless memoir filled with the unexpected and natural drama that revisits a uniquely American life.
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