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Navigating male friendships as a trans man

Cis guys conditioned to chat about poker, women, football

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(Photo by Mariia Boiko/Bigstock)

Itā€™s uncommon for a columnist in any publication to write about navigating friendships, but I feel the need to talk about navigating male friendships as a transgender man. In doing so, I will highlight what is wrong with men these days ā€” and what is not wrong ā€” and I can pinpoint various areas where masculinity still remains toxic, and areas where it doesnā€™t. 

When I first started transitioning to be a man I hated all cisgender men: they were the bane of my existence. I was conditioned to hate cis men because they historically were the ones who repressed trans people. I found though, that when I went on testosterone and started passing as a man all the time, that people suddenly expected me to be nice to cisgender men and to be friends with them. 

As a trans man, let me dissect what itā€™s like to find the right guy friend. Letā€™s first take a look at all men. Letā€™s say, for instance, that 70% of men are transphobic to some degree. Suddenly, I am faced with only making friends with 30% of these remaining men. Out of these 30% of men, some will not have the same hobbies as me, share the same interests, share the same educational background, or be in the same age bracket as me. Only 5% of these men are similar to me in some way shape or form: they might like literature, they might be smart, they might have traveled to many countries, they might also have a twin, and they might be roughly the same age, or work in the same industry. 

I have had many cis men as friends. But even among those woke, non-transphobic men, there are a few issues that arise. The first is that I have a difficult time talking about any surgeries with them or about my bottom dysphoria. In this same vein, it is difficult to talk to them about anything trans-related, because trans-related issues do not conform to cisgender culture. Iā€™ve found that even the most well meaning, progressive men find talking about something like dysphoria awkward. Cisgender men are conditioned to make small talk about the NBA, poker, women, and football. 

Perhaps I take issue with how all cisgender men are socialized, then. Iā€™ve found that cisgender, straight men are conditioned to not talk about their emotions or have conversations about love or sex. As a former woman these types of conversations were very commonplace, either in the Yale women cross countryā€™s locker room or in small group settings with female roommates. 

It is hard to find a man who I can talk to about transphobia or bottom dysphoria. On that note, the best ā€œmaleā€ friends I have in the current day are actually cisgender men who are secretly trans women. Itā€™s shocking, at first, to learn that my close friend from college is secretly a trans woman. But then itā€™s enlightening, and it makes sense why they were so comfortable with me being trans to begin with. Itā€™s sad, though, that the only ā€œmenā€ I feel the closest to are those who secretly donā€™t want to be men. Itā€™s not sad in the sense that I don’t want them to transition ā€”every bit of me wants them to transition ā€” but itā€™s sad that I canā€™t get close to other cis men in the same way. 

Most of the men Iā€™ve talked about in this piece are straight, cis men, and I have neglected to speak about gay or queer cis men. In a previous piece for the Blade, I spoke of issues in gay menā€™s culture. Iā€™ve found that there are many cisgender gay men who mean well for trans men, but that in another regard, a lot of cis gay men are socialized to cast social judgments and prioritize being skinny and fashionable instead of developing genuine friendships, especially when they are in their 20s and 30s. Instead, Iā€™ve gravitated toward being friends with straight men mainly because I also harbor an attraction to women, and I do, admittedly, like to occasionally make raunchy and lewd jokes, and I feel less judged by straight men. Such a statement may come across as bold, but the truth is that I have very few gay male friends. 

In any event, dissecting male friendships as a trans man is difficult and multifaceted, but worth it nonetheless. As a trans man, itā€™s fascinating to study other men, and in particular the ways in which they maintain, or donā€™t maintain, friendships. I am eternally perplexed by how some men make jokes and cut others out of friendship circles, but also happy that, at the end of the day, both straight and queer cisgender men can be accepting of someone like me. 


Isaac Amend is a writer based in the D.C. area. He is a transgender man and was featured in National Geographicā€™s ā€œGender Revolutionā€ documentary. He serves on the board of the LGBT Democrats of Virginia. Contact him at [email protected] or on Instagram at @literatipapi.

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Biden will be remembered as a great president

He led us out of COVID and brought about Gaza ceasefire

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President Joe Biden (Washington Blade photo by Michael Key)

Thank you, President Biden, for the Israel/Hamas ceasefire agreement and for all you have done for the country.

I know President Felon will want to take all the credit for the Israel/Hamas ceasefire. The fact is, the blueprint for this ceasefire was announced by President Biden on May 31, and hailed by the UN. Clearly Trumpā€™s threat to Hamas moved the needle, and I am sure his envoy, who President Biden invited to join the talks, was helpful. But as the Biden spokesperson told Craig Melvin on the ā€œTodayā€ show, there is more than enough credit to go around, and the hostages surely donā€™t care as long as they come home. I really think the media need to stop dealing with the minutia, and focus on whatā€™s important. 

The nation needs to thank President Biden, and his team, including Secretary of State Antony Blinken, National Security Adviser Jake Sullivan, and his deputy, Jon Finer along with all the other negotiators including Brett McGurk, part of the Biden team, and Steve Witkoff for Trump. Clearly strong roles were played by Egypt and Qatar, all working diligently to bring this day about. 

With the support of the United States, Israel remains strong. President Biden helped put together the coalition, which helped Israel defend itself against Iranian attacks. Now will come an even harder part, and it will fall to the Trump administration. We will see Trumpā€™s true colors. Will he simply help his company build new hotels in Israel, which they are trying to do, or will he move to help in the rebuilding of Gaza, and give full support to the Palestinian people. We as a nation must be a big part of rebuilding Gaza. We must move to bring about a free and stable Palestinian state, one that can support itself. That may be a dream, but it is one the United States, and the rest of the world, should be working toward. It is the only way there will ever be a true, lasting, and fair peace, in the region.

I listened to President Bidenā€™s last speech to the nation, and was really proud of him, and proud to be an American. History will view Joe Biden as one of our best presidents. He took office when the COVID pandemic was still in full swing, and people were debating how to start getting back to their lives as they knew them. Trump left the nation in a mess. The economy stalling, millions of jobs lost, and people suffering. More than one million people died of COVID. Our troops were still in Afghanistan and inflation was beginning to rise. President Biden signed the American Rescue Act, which among other things sent checks to millions of Americans. His mistake was that contrary to when Trump sent out checks, he didnā€™t sign his name to them. He followed that with the Inflation Reduction Act, making huge investments in the American economy, in the areas of energy and climate, among others. He followed that with the first gun control measure in decades, and then the infrastructure bill. He next signed the CHIPS Act, and more. While inflation rose to 9%, his administration worked hard, and with their effective economic policies, have brought it down. Trump will inherit the best economy in the world, with inflation at 2.9%. The stock market is booming, and Biden added nearly 16 million jobs during his term, more than any other one-term president in history. Manufacturing in the nation is booming.

President Biden stood strong against China and Russia. His efforts strengthened NATO and so far, seen that Ukraine remains a free and independent country. Our troops are not fighting anywhere on foreign soil. 

President Biden is right, and we must definitely fear the oligarchy that surrounds Trump. We must fear the likes of Musk, Zuckerberg, Bezos, and the other multi-billionaires who have attached themselves to Trump for their own greed and betterment. They donā€™t care about truth, and they donā€™t care about the rest of us. 

The next four years will be a time to join the resistance to prevent us from going backwards. We must resist legally, and without force, but for those of us who want our democracy to survive we need to keep speaking out. We must work to win elections in Virginia and New Jersey in 2025. Then focus on taking back the House of Representatives in 2026. We can do both, and we must, if we are to ensure the experiment that is the United States, survives and thrives, as we celebrate 250 years in existence. 


Peter Rosenstein is a longtime LGBTQ rights and Democratic Party activist.

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Anita Bryant was ā€˜the best thing that ever happened to usā€™

A closer look at the life of anti-gay crusader

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Anita Bryant (Screen capture via SuchIsLifeVideos/YouTube)

In 1977, Anita Bryant, who recently died, made the career mistake of a lifetime when she began an anti-gay campaign in Miami. Her campaign failed for two important reasons.

First, Bryant mistook the political strength of the gay movement across the U.S. Secondly, her use of religion to promote a campaign of bigotry raised serious questions about her honesty.

After being crowned Miss Oklahoma in 1958, Bryant spent the next two decades performing at state fairs, veteransā€™ events, religious and charity events, and churches. She performed with Bob Hopeā€™s U.S.O. tours and visited veteransā€™ hospitals. She promoted Christian living and Florida orange juice. She once said she had abundant energy because ā€œthe Lord Jesus is my Vitamin C.ā€ 

In 1977, Bryant and husband Bob Green, a former Miami radio disc jockey, began an anti-gay campaign called ā€œSave Our Children.ā€ The campaignā€™s goal was to reverse Miami-Dade Countyā€™s policy barring discrimination against gays. She raised concerns about gay teachers in public schools.  

Bryantā€™s anti-gay campaign raised questions about her professed Christian faith. She criticized ā€œcowardly clergyā€ for their silence on fighting gay rights.

By the late 1970s, Bryant and her husband had published several books about their Christian faith. Bryantā€™s book tours were a mix of entertainment, self-promotion, with a dose of religion. When reporters asked her who wrote the books, Bryant arrogantly said, ā€œThe Lord wrote my books.ā€ When it was later revealed she hired a ghost writer, Bryantā€™s honesty became an issue.

Celestine Sibley, a veteran columnist for The Atlanta Journal, wrote ā€œThe Truth is I Donā€™t Care for Anita Bryant,ā€ on Sept. 7, 1978. Sibley disliked Bryantā€™s sanctimonious claim that Jesus wrote her books when the books were ghosted.

In support of gays, Sibley quoted sections of Lord Alfred Douglasā€™s letters to his mother about his love affair with author Oscar Wilde. His mother urged her son to leave Wilde. Douglas asked her what she could give him in exchange for his lover. Douglas wrote: ā€œWho is going to ā€˜feed my soul with honey of sweet bitter though?ā€™ Who is going to make me happy when Iā€™m sad, depressed, and ill at ease?ā€ The column was fine journalism for its time. It was an eloquent way of supporting gays.

The newspaper published dozens of reader letters in response to Sibleyā€™s column. One writer said Bryant was ā€œa loudmouth ignoramus.ā€ Writers overwhelmingly supported Sibley. Many writers called Sibley courageous for opposing Bryantā€™s anti-gay campaign.

In a 1978 Knight-Ridder article, Jean Oā€™Leary, a former nun and an executive director of the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, said Anita Bryant was ā€œthe best thing that ever happened to us.ā€ Her appreciation for Bryant was shared by other gay activists. The anti-gay rights movement had a face. The face of Anita Bryant.

In San Francisco, gay activist Harvey Milk, as quoted in ā€œThe Mayor of Castro Streetā€ by Randy Shilts, said, ā€œAnita Bryant herself pushed the gay movement ahead and the subject can never be pushed back into darkness.ā€ If Bryant had felt the gay rights movement was weak, unorganized, and unable to fight against her campaigns, she soon learned a lesson.

In the May 1978 issue of Playboy magazine, Bryant said that she had survived ā€œnumerous close calls with mayhemā€ and that she ā€œexpects to be killed by homosexuals.ā€ She said that ā€œtwenty years in jail would rehabilitate homosexuals.ā€ Husband Bob Green said, ā€œletā€™s face it ā€“ when some militant homosexual kills Anita, the guy will be an instant hero.ā€

Christian Century magazine, in 1978, published poll results on religious influencers. President Jimmy Carter, a Southern Baptist layman, and Anita Bryant were among the top influencers.

By the time of her 1980 interview in Ladiesā€™ Home Journal, Bryant was a changed woman. She was divorced. She admitted to suicidal thoughts. She admitted to taking tranquilizers, sleeping pills, and wine due to ā€œthe pressures of her work and family life.ā€ She declared bankruptcy.  

Bryant made another important admission in Ladiesā€™ Home Journal. She admitted to an attitude of ā€œlive and let liveā€ toward gays. One New York journalist called this admission Bryantā€™s ā€œComing Outā€ as a human being.ā€


James Patterson is a Washington, D.C.-based writer.

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Howard County exec: Inclusive communities are thriving communities

In Maryland, itā€™s more than a talking point ā€“ itā€™s a way of life

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Calvin Ball is the executive of Howard County, Md.

Every person, organization, and business has the opportunity to make inclusion a core mission. Yet, true inclusion requires more than intention. It demands action to ensure every person in our community can live authentically, embrace their potential, and thrive without fear of hate or harm. In Howard County, Md., we are doing our part to make inclusivity more than a talking point ā€“ itā€™s a way of life. 

The Human Rights Campaignā€™s 2024 Municipal Equality Index (MEI) awarded Howard County a perfect score of 100 for the third year in a row. At a time when LGBTQIA+ rights are at stake, the MEI and the rubric it provides for cities and towns across our country has never been more important. 

The MEI examines how inclusive municipal laws, policies, and services are in cities and towns across the country. The report scores cities across five domains: non-discrimination laws, municipality as an employer, municipal services, law enforcement and leadership on LGBTQ+ equality. We proudly achieved the highest marks in all five domains, which comes as no surprise. Itā€™s important to me that Howard County is a national model for implementing inclusive policies for our 17 protected classes in Howard County.

When I first took office as Howard County Executive in December of 2018, one of my first initiatives was hosting our very first Pride festival. It was the perfect time to celebrate and reflect upon the progress we made to advance civil rights and protections for our LGBTQIA+ neighbors. In June of 2019, Howard County proudly hosted its first Pride festival, with thousands of attendees, solidifying our commitment to our residents and neighbors. 

It was also ever important that our LGBTQIA+ residents had a seat in government operations. In 2022, I established Howard Countyā€™s inaugural LGBTIA+ Commission, which partners with county agencies, nonprofit organizations and other community groups to facilitate an environment of inclusion, communication, understanding and respect throughout the county. This Commission continues to advance policy and systemic changes for those with different gender and sexual identities. 

To further uplift our neighbors, for the first time in county history, in June of 2022 we proudly raised the Pride flag at the seat of Howard County government, symbolizing unity and inclusiveness. This meaningful action reflects our commitment to supporting, celebrating, and standing with all LGBTQIA+ individuals in Howard County, affirming that they are a vital, welcomed, and celebrated part of our community.

In 2024, our Office of Human Rights and Equity (OHRE) hosted various community events, workshops, listening and training sessions that attracted 4,000 attendees. Creating community spaces where people can freely share their thoughts fosters a collective sense of belonging. We want everyone to know that their voice matters. 

Additionally, more than 160 Howard County government employees received training from our Equity and Restorative Practices Unit last year. This pioneering initiative delves into the ways current leadership paradigms might perpetuate racialized dynamics. It is imperative we continuously examine our current practices to see where we might be lacking and devise ways to remedy our weaknesses. 

Across our country of thousands of cities and counties, we are proud to be counted among 130 MEI-rated cities that have earned the highest score of 100. This shows the immense progress local government is making to enact policies and legislation that protect the classes of sexual orientation and gender identity. By focusing on making a difference where people live, learn, and grow, we can make a bigger impact nationally combating hate and discrimination based on sexual orientation and/or gender identity. Because we know ā€“ when we foster inclusive communities we foster thriving communities. 


Calvin Ball is the executive of Howard County, Md.Ā 

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