Living
We are family
Local LGBT group helps same-sex couples navigate the path to parenting
Renee Perrier (left) and Karen Combs with their daughter, Amaris Perrier-Combs, 3. (Photo courtesy of the family)
Amaris Perrier-Combs can count from one to 20.
She’s working on the alphabet. She’s fully potty trained. She speaks in full sentences. The three-year-old’s parents are noticing new skills emerge all the time.
“The latest thing I’ve noticed is she’s starting to put words to her feelings,” says Renee Perrier, a local social worker who’s raising her daughter with partner Karen Combs in D.C.’s Brookland neighborhood. “She can say, ‘I’m mad,’ or, ‘You hurt my feelings,’ or, ‘I’m happy,’ or, ‘I had a great day today.’ We’re able to have a dialogue now.”
It might sound like typical child development stuff for her age, but Perrier and Combs say it’s doubly touching to them — because of the greater number of steps same-sex couples have to take to become parents but also because of some things in Perrier’s past.
“It’s easy to see she’s just totally comfortable in her own skin,” Perrier says of Amaris. “It took me many years of therapy to be at that place, so to see her have that confidence is really amazing to me. She’s hitting all the milestones in terms of development and she’s having just a very wide circle of cultural and diverse experiences. She’s just an incredible child.”
Like many same-sex couples in the region, Perrier and Combs took the Maybe Baby classes offered by Rainbow Families D.C., a local LGBT family resource non-profit. It’s an eight-week class designed for LGBT prospective parents, single or partnered, who are considering parenthood and interested in learning more about the options available for building a family. It’s $125 for an individual or $250 per couple for the class. The fee includes a one-year membership to Rainbow Families D.C. (rainbowfamiliesdc.org).
Perrier and Combs found it incredibly helpful.
“I like that it was not just inclusive but just as the title suggests, it’s for people who are considering as I like to call it ‘purposeful parenting,’” Perrier says. “This really helps you make an informed decision — is this for us, is this not for us, because maybe it isn’t. Where are you in that process? They’re very knowledgeable about it and you’re with a group of people who are considering the same things. How do you conceive? Known donor, unknown, anonymous — all those things are invaluable.”
The group offers two or three “sets” of the classes each year. Originally a program of Whitman-Walker Health under its Lesbian Services umbrella, Rainbow Families D.C., which grew out of an AOL listserv group, started overseeing the classes about four years ago. It has about 300 LGBT families on its roster who pay the $35 annual membership fee, which keeps the group’s expenses covered.
And the classes have been popular — there’s always a waiting list for the upcoming sessions. Classes are held separately for men and women. Men have shown increased interest in the classes in recent years, organizers say.
“It’s been wonderful to see, particularly among men,” says Ellen Kahn, board president. “I think more and more men are saying, ‘This is how I see myself, this is the future I want … you see more men at the Rainbow Families events pushing a stroller or chasing their kid around … the opportunities are greater than they were 10 or 20 years ago. We’re still a minority, you’re still going to be one of maybe only five families in your school and there are still a lot of people who don’t get it … so not all our work is done, but that’s one of the things we talk about, the legal issues and support in the workplace. Those are the kinds of things you get to do in the eight-week sessions, the practical things, the legal things, adoption, what’s real life look like, what are the friendly neighborhoods and so on.”
Terrence Heath, back, and Richard Imirowicz and their children Parker, 9, and Dylan, 4. (Photo courtesy the family)
Kahn, who’s been volunteering in the women’s classes for years, knows a lot of this from first-hand experience. She and her partner Julie have two kids — Ruby, 12, and Jasper, 8. She says a lot has changed in the years since they started their family. Kahn says in addition to the increased interest from gay men, lesbian couples are starting their families at younger ages than in previous years.
“The median age used to be like 37-38, now it’s like 31-32,” Kahn says. “These younger couples are getting married if they can and they’ve got their plan and they’re more aware that they’re going to have kids. My generation, it was like, can we do it, how would we do it, there was this sense of stepping into new territory but our current generation of men and women have seen more positive representations of LGBT parents and the opportunities are greater than ever, so it’s interesting. It’s almost a more traditional approach to family building where you get married, have a kid …. There’s a lot more confidence and certainty and that’s been wonderful to see.”
Richard Imirowicz, a local child psychologist who’s adopted two sons — Parker, 9, and Dylan, 4 — with his partner, Terrance Heath, took the classes first by himself then again after he and Heath began their relationship in 2000.
“I just always knew I wanted this,” Imirowicz says. “Even as a kid, I’d be in church and see the Catholic stages of life — baptized, married, have kids — and I just knew I wanted a family except I also knew I wanted to marry a man, not a woman.”
He says the classes made the process of starting a family “very comfortable and real.”
Heath now co-facilitates Maybe Baby classes and says he “wants to make sure it’s a resource available to other people.”
Lisa Prillaman and her partner, Heather Murray, chose another path — a sperm donor for Murray for what they call “the good old-fashioned way.” Their daughter is 9 months old and they declined to give her name.
Prillaman says the course helped them weigh their options.
“It was very helpful in getting us going,” she says.
From left are Matthew O’Hara, Elijah O’Hara, Mackenzie O’Hara and Patrick Koontz, a D.C. family. (Photo courtesy O’Hara)
Matthew O’Hara had gone through the class and was a foster parent to his son, Elijah, 5, before he and his partner Patrick Koontz got together and jointly adopted Elijah’s sister, Mackenzie, 3. They’ve set up house together on the Hill.
O’Hara says the hurdles to same-sex parenting can feel overwhelming and daunting but those with tenacity can make it happen.
“It definitely has this element where everything feels so intentional,” he says. “You have lawyers and social workers and all this stuff swirling around, you have to take training, you have to be CPR certified but I had a colleague tell me several years ago, she was an adoptive mom, a straight woman, and she had adopted two kids and she told me that adopted kids find you and I always remember that when I get overwhelmed with all the rigmarole. It’s not all bad — a lot of it is good stuff, but it can be crazy and chaotic because you have all this going on in addition to the potty training and on top of jobs, but more and more, you know, when we feel stressed about getting everything done or feel tired or we’re worrying about finances or which D.C. schools are good enough for our kids, it’s just the way it goes. I’m very proud of the house we set up and how it all came together.”
Real Estate
The rise of virtual home tours
Adapting to changing consumer preferences in spring real estate
In today’s dynamic real estate market, the spring season brings not only blooming flowers but also a surge of activity as buyers and sellers alike prepare to make their moves. However, in recent years, there’s been a notable shift in how consumers prefer to explore potential homes: the rise of virtual tours.
For the LGBTQ community, these virtual experiences offer more than just convenience; they provide accessibility, safety, and inclusivity in the home buying process.
Gone are the days of spending weekends driving from one open house to another – unless that’s your thing of course, only to find that the property doesn’t quite match expectations. With virtual tours, you can explore every corner of a home from the comfort of your own space – find something interesting? Schedule a showing with any LGBTQ Realtor at GayRealEstate.com.
This is particularly significant for LGBTQ individuals, who may face unique challenges or concerns when attending in-person showings. Whether it’s the ability to discreetly view properties without fear of discrimination or the convenience of touring homes located in LGBTQ-friendly neighborhoods across the country, virtual tours offer a sense of empowerment and control in the home buying process.
Moreover, virtual tours cater to the diverse needs of the LGBTQ community. For couples or families with busy schedules or those living in different cities or states, these digital walkthroughs provide a convenient way to view properties together without the need for extensive travel. Additionally, for individuals who may be exploring their gender identity or transitioning, virtual tours offer a low-pressure environment to explore potential living spaces without the added stress of in-person interactions.
At GayRealEstate.com, we understand the importance of adapting to changing consumer preferences and leveraging technology to better serve our community. That’s why our agents offer an extensive selection of virtual tours for LGBTQ individuals and allies alike – visit our website, choose an agent and within minutes you’ll have access to the Multiple Listing Service (MLS) via their website.
From cozy condominiums in bustling urban centers to sprawling estates in picturesque suburbs, virtual tours showcase a wide range of properties tailored to diverse tastes and lifestyles.
In addition to virtual tours, GayRealEstate.com provides comprehensive resources and support to guide LGBTQ buyers and sellers through every step of the real estate journey. Our network of LGBTQ-friendly agents is committed to providing personalized service, advocacy, and representation to ensure that all individuals feel respected, valued, and empowered throughout the process. Plus, we are happy to provide a free relocation kit to any city in the USA or Canada if you are a home buyer.
As we embrace the spring season and all the opportunities it brings in the real estate market, let’s also celebrate the power of virtual tours to revolutionize the way we find and experience our future homes. Whether you’re searching for your first apartment, forever home, or investment property, GayRealEstate.com is here to help you navigate the exciting world of real estate with confidence, pride, and inclusivity.
Jeff Hammerberg is founding CEO of Hammerberg & Associates, Inc. Reach him at [email protected].
Advice
Should I divorce my husband for the hot new guy in our building?
Debating whether to leave or stay after the sex goes cold
Dear Michael,
I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and the sex is pretty much gone. It stopped being exciting a long time ago and pretty much the only time we ever do it is with the occasional third.
A really hot guy moved into our building about a year ago. We would see each other sometimes in the elevator or at our building’s gym and we started talking and really hit it off. Mark is 15 years younger than I but we seem to have a lot in common. We started hooking up and the sex is amazing.
I haven’t told my husband because it’s breaking our rule about no repeats. I have to say that the secrecy is hot. It’s kind of a thrill to take the elevator upstairs when I say I’m going on an errand. But it’s more than that. I have a connection with Mark that is far more amazing than what I have ever felt with my husband. Not just the sex. We just enjoy being together, talking about anything and everything.
My husband went to visit his family last weekend and I spent the whole time with Mark. Since then I can’t stop thinking that I want to leave my husband and be with Mark.
Part of me thinks this is a crazy mid-life crisis. I mean, this kid’s in a totally different place in life. But we have mind-blowing sex and a fantastic connection. I’d like your thoughts on how to proceed.
Michael replies:
You’ve got a lot to consider.
First: Sex with a long-term partner changes over time. It tends to be less about erotic heat and more about the connection with a person whom you love. In other words, it’s being with the person you’re with that makes the sex meaningful and even great. Having a good sexual relationship with a long-term partner comes far more from a heart connection than from a crotch attachment.
Second: You seem ready to throw your relationship under the bus pretty quickly, without addressing other problems in the relationship besides sex. When you are sneaking around, lying, and rule-breaking , I don’t see how you can look your husband in the eye; and if you can’t look him in the eye, you certainly can’t have even a half-way decent relationship.
Yet another point to consider: Affairs pretty much always seem more exciting than marriage. The partner is new, which almost automatically makes the sex hotter; the secrecy is a thrill; and you don’t have to deal with paying the rent, house chores, and all the petty annoyances of living up-close with someone day-in, day-out.
You are bringing lots of energy to your affair, and everything about it is exciting. You are bringing no energy — at least no positive energy — to your marriage. You get what you put into a relationship.
Divorce is not something that should be entered into lightly. Be aware that if you leave your husband for Mark, you will no doubt find over time that the sex becomes less exciting and that the connection is not always fantastic. No surprise, 75 percent of marriages that begin with affair partners end in divorce. While I don’t think statistics predict what will happen to any particular couple, believing that you will have a significantly better relationship with your affair partner than you did with your husband sets you up for likely disappointment.
Many gay men focus on “hot sex” as the big draw, pursuing a lot of sex with a lot of men, and/or pursuing an ongoing series of relationships that last until the sex cools. If that’s what you want, that’s fine. But it’s a different path from pursuing a close and loving long-term relationship, which involves knowing someone well and having him know you well; collaborating on getting through the hard stuff life throws at us; finding ways to make peace with disappointment; and consistently striving to be someone worth being married to.
How to proceed? While you are the only person who should make that decision, I would suggest that whatever your choice, keep in mind that marriage can be more than what you’ve made of it, so far.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].
Autos
Sport haulers: Jeep Grand Cherokee, Mercedes GLE-Class
Updated cabins, adept handling, and more
Now that March Madness and the Masters are over, it’s time for, well, everything else. For my husband and me, this means water sports, as in kayaks and rowing sculls, which is why we trekked to the Potomac for the George Washington Invitational regatta last weekend.
Alas, high winds splashed cold water on the event, canceling much of it. But there was still plenty of spirited camaraderie to rival “The Boys in the Boat.”
And I was reminded of my time years ago as a rower with D.C. Strokes, ferrying teammates to races up and down the East Coast. Back then my ride was a dated, rather cramped four-door sedan.
If only we could have paddled around in a sporty SUV like the two reviewed here. Now that would have been some smooth sailing (wink-wink).
JEEP GRAND CHEROKEE
$40,000
MPG: 19 city/26 highway
0 to 60 mph: 7.5 seconds
Maximum cargo room: 37.7 cu. ft.
PROS: Updated cabin, adept handling, strong towing
CONS: So-so gas mileage, no third row, pricey trim levels
IN A NUTSHELL: Rough, tough and buff. It’s doesn’t get much more butch than a Jeep. This year’s Grand Cherokee is no exception, with rugged looks, expert off-road capability and better-than-average towing capacity of 6,200 pounds.
There are a dizzying number of trim levels—more than a dozen—starting with the barebones base-model Laredo at an affordable $40,000. The lineup tops out with the Summit Reserve 4xe PHEV, which is almost twice the price at $76,000 and one of various plug-in hybrid versions available. Those plug-in hybrids can drive up to 25 miles on all-electric power before the four-cylinder gas engine kicks in. Otherwise, you can choose from a standard V6 or V8. Gas mileage on all trim levels is basically the same as the competition.
Where the Grand Cherokee really shines is in the handling. More refined than a Wrangler but less lavish than a Land Rover, this Jeep maneuvers just as well on city streets and highways as it does on bumpier terrain.
I tested the mid-range and mid-priced Overland, which comes standard with four-wheel drive and large 20-inch wheels. It also boasts a slew of niceties, such as quilted upholstery, panoramic sunroof and high-tech digital displays. These include a 10.25-inch infotainment touchscreen and rear-seat entertainment system.
The nine-speaker Alpine stereo, designed specifically for the Grand Cherokee, is pleasing. But I really wanted to hear the boffo 19-speaker McIntosh surround-sound system that Jeep also offers. Sigh, it’s only available on the premium Summit trim level.
MERCEDES GLE-CLASS
$64,000
MPG: 20 city/25 highway
0 to 60 mph: 6.6 seconds
Maximum cargo room: 33.3 cu. ft.
PROS: Lush interior, silky-smooth suspension, speedy
CONS: Some confusing electronics, tight third row, many competitors
IN A NUTSHELL: For a more high-class hauler, there’s the Mercedes GLE-Class. This midsize SUV is similar in size to the Jeep Grand Cherokee. But instead of seating five passengers, the GLE can carry up to seven. Sure, legroom in the optional third row may be tight for taller travelers, but it’s perfect for a cocky cockswain or two.
Six trim levels, ranging from the base-model GLE 350 to two high-performance AMG models. For eco-conscious buyers, the GLE 450e plug-in hybrid arrived earlier this year and can run on battery power alone for almost 60 miles.
My test car was the top-of-the-line AMG 63 S 4Matic, a head-turner in every way. Priced at a whopping $127,000, this GLE looks best in glossy black with the Night Package, which includes tasteful jet-black exterior accents and matte-black wheels. To complete the Darth Vader effect, there’s a deep, menacing exhaust rumble that’s downright threatening.
You expect such a ride to be wicked fast, and it is: 0 to 60 mph in a blistering 3.7 seconds. Yet the carbon ceramic brakes with their devil-red calipers are equally impressive in slowing things down quickly.
Inside, each GLE comes with two large digital displays on the elegantly sculpted dashboard. My favorite feature is the “Hey Mercedes” digital assistant, which responds to voice commands such as opening or closing the sunroof, operating the infotainment system or activating the climate controls.
It’s hard to find sport seats that are more comfortable, especially with the heavenly massage function (though those massage controls could be a bit more user-friendly.) For AMG models, the seats come with red-contrasting stitching and red seatbelts—a nod to the devilish demeanor under the hood.
Considering all the SUVs available in showrooms, few make quite the splash of a GLE.
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HHS reverses Trump-era anti-LGBTQ rule
Catching up with the asexuals and aromantics of D.C.
Argentina government dismisses transgender public sector employees
Mexican Senate approves bill to ban conversion therapy
Should I divorce my husband for the hot new guy in our building?
Md. governor signs Freedom to Read Act
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Mexico3 days agoMexican Senate approves bill to ban conversion therapy
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Advice3 days agoShould I divorce my husband for the hot new guy in our building?