Living

Young, gifted and gay

Out students at historically black colleges face unique challenges

Published

9 years ago

August 14, 2015

Guest columnist

Building relationships, transparency and creating resources are crucial to LGBTQ organizing on HBCU campuses.

By TRINICE McNALLY and ALLISON MARIE TURNER

The intersection of race, sexual orientation and gender identity is the everyday lived experience of LGBTQ students on Historically Black Colleges and Universities (HBCUs). These factors create unique challenges for students on these campuses and the campuses themselves.

These types of campuses are often overlooked when it comes to money and resources. As a movement, we continually fail in providing support toward minority-serving institutions, especially those in rural areas and the South. However, there has been growing visibility and progress at HBCUs and in recent years.

Campuses working to meet the intersectional needs of students include Bethune-Cookman University’s Gay-Straight Alliance, which has more than 100 members; Morehouse College’s LGBTQ course offering; Fayetteville State University’s LGBTQ center, making it the third HBCU to have one; and Virginia State University’s Lavender Graduation ceremony to recognize its commitment to LGBTQ graduates.

Thanks to the work of student leaders and staff at HBCUs, these campuses are increasing the visibility of and resources for LGBTQ students and their specific needs. This July, at Campus Pride’s Summer Leadership Academy, there were more than 30 student leaders and staff in attendance from various HBCUs. Through caucuses, workshops and conversations between students and advisors, a theme of the unique issues HBCU LGBTQ students face, as well as the unique solutions to these issues, emerged.

A majority of HBCUs were founded on religious principles, causing a conflict when that particular faith, or the mainstream interpretations of that faith in the black community, do not support LGBTQ people. LGBTQ students who attend HBCUs are often told they are going to hell or that they should repent to “pray the gay away.”

Additionally, the black community has suffered from stigma in regard to mental health for years. Historically, people of color don’t seek counseling and are deemed as “crazy” if seeking mental health professional help or suggested to “pray about it.” This combines with a history of pathologizing queerness, creating additional barriers for black LGBTQ students when they experience feelings of difference when it comes to their gender identity or sexual orientation.

People of color often feel as if we must choose between our ethnicity and sexual orientation or gender identity because we are often ridiculed in both as if we cannot co-exist. This often leaves us feeling isolated, ignored and marginalized. Communities of color, because they have been historically hyper-sexualized by white people, may choose not to share their sexual or gender identities for fear of “airing dirty laundry” and buying into untrue stereotypes of black people.

In order to successfully organize on HBCU campuses, there are several components that guarantee success, including relationship building, transparency and creating resources. These components allow HBCUs to address the unique issues their LGBTQ students face as multifaceted, intersectional people.

As LGBTQ and ally leaders, whether staff or student, building relationships is important. Due to the stigma and “taboo” effect of LGBTQ culture, some people don’t how to approach sexuality or gender identity. Building a relationship where people trust you is how you will gain campus support. You can have an LGBTQ organization that LGBTQ people of color don’t support if they don’t know who you truly are.

Students need to see a reflection of themselves. Not enough people of color are out on HBCU campuses. It is detrimental to youth of color, especially black men and transgender people, including non-binary people. Many people who can pass as straight or as cisgender choose not to be out publicly for safety reasons. Many professionals are closeted in communities of color, perpetuating the idea that expressing your true self is detrimental to the fight against racial oppression. Black LGBTQ youth don’t get to see proud, successful black people often because of this and miss out on role models they may need to live openly themselves.

Out of the 105 HBCUs is the United States, only three have resource centers versus the hundreds that predominantly white institutions have. Culturally there are so many barriers that HBCU campuses face that prohibit them from being exposed to possible resources. Unfortunately, HBCUs are faced with financial crisis and the ones that are running are trying to keep their schools accredited and open.

HBCUs are often ridiculed, but produce the highest number of black graduates in the country. However, the lack of resources is dooming our culture for generations to come. HBCUs need resources when they receive pushback; they need financial support to assist with programming for LGBTQ student organizations. This increases visibility of LGBTQ students at HBCUs, allowing universities to better recognize and support these groups. HBCUs need organizations, companies and government officials to show them that they matter, so that those who are dedicated to this work don’t grow weary or tired before making that impact.

Trinice McNally is the Coordinator of Diversity Initiatives and Gay-Straight Alliance Advisor from Bethune-Cookman University in Daytona Beach, Fla. She is proud to be an openly queer woman working at a historically Black university. Allison Marie Turner is an alumnus of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, where she studied journalism and mass communication and women’s and gender studies. She is a 2015 Programs and Communications Fellow for Campus Pride.

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Real Estate

The rise of virtual home tours

Adapting to changing consumer preferences in spring real estate

Published

2 hours ago

April 26, 2024

Jeff Hammerberg

Looking for a home? Virtual tours hold special benefits for queer buyers.

In today’s dynamic real estate market, the spring season brings not only blooming flowers but also a surge of activity as buyers and sellers alike prepare to make their moves. However, in recent years, there’s been a notable shift in how consumers prefer to explore potential homes: the rise of virtual tours.

For the LGBTQ community, these virtual experiences offer more than just convenience; they provide accessibility, safety, and inclusivity in the home buying process.

Gone are the days of spending weekends driving from one open house to another – unless that’s your thing of course, only to find that the property doesn’t quite match expectations. With virtual tours, you can explore every corner of a home from the comfort of your own space – find something interesting? Schedule a showing with any LGBTQ Realtor at GayRealEstate.com.

This is particularly significant for LGBTQ individuals, who may face unique challenges or concerns when attending in-person showings. Whether it’s the ability to discreetly view properties without fear of discrimination or the convenience of touring homes located in LGBTQ-friendly neighborhoods across the country, virtual tours offer a sense of empowerment and control in the home buying process.

Moreover, virtual tours cater to the diverse needs of the LGBTQ community. For couples or families with busy schedules or those living in different cities or states, these digital walkthroughs provide a convenient way to view properties together without the need for extensive travel. Additionally, for individuals who may be exploring their gender identity or transitioning, virtual tours offer a low-pressure environment to explore potential living spaces without the added stress of in-person interactions.

At GayRealEstate.com, we understand the importance of adapting to changing consumer preferences and leveraging technology to better serve our community. That’s why our agents offer an extensive selection of virtual tours for LGBTQ individuals and allies alike – visit our website, choose an agent and within minutes you’ll have access to the Multiple Listing Service (MLS) via their website.

From cozy condominiums in bustling urban centers to sprawling estates in picturesque suburbs, virtual tours showcase a wide range of properties tailored to diverse tastes and lifestyles.

In addition to virtual tours, GayRealEstate.com provides comprehensive resources and support to guide LGBTQ buyers and sellers through every step of the real estate journey. Our network of LGBTQ-friendly agents is committed to providing personalized service, advocacy, and representation to ensure that all individuals feel respected, valued, and empowered throughout the process. Plus, we are happy to provide a free relocation kit to any city in the USA or Canada if you are a home buyer.

As we embrace the spring season and all the opportunities it brings in the real estate market, let’s also celebrate the power of virtual tours to revolutionize the way we find and experience our future homes. Whether you’re searching for your first apartment, forever home, or investment property, GayRealEstate.com is here to help you navigate the exciting world of real estate with confidence, pride, and inclusivity.

Jeff Hammerberg is founding CEO of Hammerberg & Associates, Inc. Reach him at [email protected].

Advice

Should I divorce my husband for the hot new guy in our building?

Debating whether to leave or stay after the sex goes cold

Published

9 hours ago

April 26, 2024

Michael Radkowsky

Dear Michael,

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and the sex is pretty much gone. It stopped being exciting a long time ago and pretty much the only time we ever do it is with the occasional third.

A really hot guy moved into our building about a year ago. We would see each other sometimes in the elevator or at our building’s gym and we started talking and really hit it off. Mark is 15 years younger than I but we seem to have a lot in common. We started hooking up and the sex is amazing.

I haven’t told my husband because it’s breaking our rule about no repeats. I have to say that the secrecy is hot. It’s kind of a thrill to take the elevator upstairs when I say I’m going on an errand. But it’s more than that. I have a connection with Mark that is far more amazing than what I have ever felt with my husband. Not just the sex. We just enjoy being together, talking about anything and everything.

My husband went to visit his family last weekend and I spent the whole time with Mark. Since then I can’t stop thinking that I want to leave my husband and be with Mark.

Part of me thinks this is a crazy mid-life crisis. I mean, this kid’s in a totally different place in life. But we have mind-blowing sex and a fantastic connection. I’d like your thoughts on how to proceed.

Michael replies:

You’ve got a lot to consider.

First: Sex with a long-term partner changes over time. It tends to be less about erotic heat and more about the connection with a person whom you love. In other words, it’s being with the person you’re with that makes the sex meaningful and even great. Having a good sexual relationship with a long-term partner comes far more from a heart connection than from a crotch attachment.

Second: You seem ready to throw your relationship under the bus pretty quickly, without addressing other problems in the relationship besides sex. When you are sneaking around, lying, and rule-breaking , I don’t see how you can look your husband in the eye; and if you can’t look him in the eye, you certainly can’t have even a half-way decent relationship.

Yet another point to consider: Affairs pretty much always seem more exciting than marriage. The partner is new, which almost automatically makes the sex hotter; the secrecy is a thrill; and you don’t have to deal with paying the rent, house chores, and all the petty annoyances of living up-close with someone day-in, day-out.

You are bringing lots of energy to your affair, and everything about it is exciting. You are bringing no energy — at least no positive energy — to your marriage. You get what you put into a relationship.

Divorce is not something that should be entered into lightly. Be aware that if you leave your husband for Mark, you will no doubt find over time that the sex becomes less exciting and that the connection is not always fantastic. No surprise, 75 percent of marriages that begin with affair partners end in divorce. While I don’t think statistics predict what will happen to any particular couple, believing that you will have a significantly better relationship with your affair partner than you did with your husband sets you up for likely disappointment.

Many gay men focus on “hot sex” as the big draw, pursuing a lot of sex with a lot of men, and/or pursuing an ongoing series of relationships that last until the sex cools. If that’s what you want, that’s fine. But it’s a different path from pursuing a close and loving long-term relationship, which involves knowing someone well and having him know you well; collaborating on getting through the hard stuff life throws at us; finding ways to make peace with disappointment; and consistently striving to be someone worth being married to.

How to proceed? While you are the only person who should make that decision, I would suggest that whatever your choice, keep in mind that marriage can be more than what you’ve made of it, so far.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].

Autos

Sport haulers: Jeep Grand Cherokee, Mercedes GLE-Class

Updated cabins, adept handling, and more

Published

6 days ago

April 20, 2024

Joe Phillips

Jeep Grand Cherokee

Now that March Madness and the Masters are over, it’s time for, well, everything else. For my husband and me, this means water sports, as in kayaks and rowing sculls, which is why we trekked to the Potomac for the George Washington Invitational regatta last weekend.

Alas, high winds splashed cold water on the event, canceling much of it. But there was still plenty of spirited camaraderie to rival “The Boys in the Boat.”

And I was reminded of my time years ago as a rower with D.C. Strokes, ferrying teammates to races up and down the East Coast. Back then my ride was a dated, rather cramped four-door sedan.

If only we could have paddled around in a sporty SUV like the two reviewed here. Now that would have been some smooth sailing (wink-wink).

JEEP GRAND CHEROKEE

$40,000

MPG: 19 city/26 highway

0 to 60 mph: 7.5 seconds

Maximum cargo room: 37.7 cu. ft.

PROS: Updated cabin, adept handling, strong towing

CONS: So-so gas mileage, no third row, pricey trim levels

IN A NUTSHELL: Rough, tough and buff. It’s doesn’t get much more butch than a Jeep. This year’s Grand Cherokee is no exception, with rugged looks, expert off-road capability and better-than-average towing capacity of 6,200 pounds.

There are a dizzying number of trim levels—more than a dozen—starting with the barebones base-model Laredo at an affordable $40,000. The lineup tops out with the Summit Reserve 4xe PHEV, which is almost twice the price at $76,000 and one of various plug-in hybrid versions available. Those plug-in hybrids can drive up to 25 miles on all-electric power before the four-cylinder gas engine kicks in. Otherwise, you can choose from a standard V6 or V8. Gas mileage on all trim levels is basically the same as the competition.

Where the Grand Cherokee really shines is in the handling. More refined than a Wrangler but less lavish than a Land Rover, this Jeep maneuvers just as well on city streets and highways as it does on bumpier terrain.

I tested the mid-range and mid-priced Overland, which comes standard with four-wheel drive and large 20-inch wheels. It also boasts a slew of niceties, such as quilted upholstery, panoramic sunroof and high-tech digital displays. These include a 10.25-inch infotainment touchscreen and rear-seat entertainment system.

The nine-speaker Alpine stereo, designed specifically for the Grand Cherokee, is pleasing. But I really wanted to hear the boffo 19-speaker McIntosh surround-sound system that Jeep also offers. Sigh, it’s only available on the premium Summit trim level.

MERCEDES GLE-CLASS

$64,000

MPG: 20 city/25 highway

0 to 60 mph: 6.6 seconds

Maximum cargo room: 33.3 cu. ft.

PROS: Lush interior, silky-smooth suspension, speedy

CONS: Some confusing electronics, tight third row, many competitors

IN A NUTSHELL: For a more high-class hauler, there’s the Mercedes GLE-Class. This midsize SUV is similar in size to the Jeep Grand Cherokee. But instead of seating five passengers, the GLE can carry up to seven. Sure, legroom in the optional third row may be tight for taller travelers, but it’s perfect for a cocky cockswain or two.

Six trim levels, ranging from the base-model GLE 350 to two high-performance AMG models. For eco-conscious buyers, the GLE 450e plug-in hybrid arrived earlier this year and can run on battery power alone for almost 60 miles.

My test car was the top-of-the-line AMG 63 S 4Matic, a head-turner in every way. Priced at a whopping $127,000, this GLE looks best in glossy black with the Night Package, which includes tasteful jet-black exterior accents and matte-black wheels. To complete the Darth Vader effect, there’s a deep, menacing exhaust rumble that’s downright threatening.

You expect such a ride to be wicked fast, and it is: 0 to 60 mph in a blistering 3.7 seconds. Yet the carbon ceramic brakes with their devil-red calipers are equally impressive in slowing things down quickly.

Inside, each GLE comes with two large digital displays on the elegantly sculpted dashboard. My favorite feature is the “Hey Mercedes” digital assistant, which responds to voice commands such as opening or closing the sunroof, operating the infotainment system or activating the climate controls.

It’s hard to find sport seats that are more comfortable, especially with the heavenly massage function (though those massage controls could be a bit more user-friendly.) For AMG models, the seats come with red-contrasting stitching and red seatbelts—a nod to the devilish demeanor under the hood.

Considering all the SUVs available in showrooms, few make quite the splash of a GLE.