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Queery: Dave Perruzza

The JR.’s mainstay answers 20 gay questions

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(Blade photo by Michael Key)

It was a kind of love at first sight between Dave Perruzza and JR.’s, the bar he’s been at for nearly 14 years. The 35-year-old gay Mahopac, N.Y., native had finished a four-year Navy tour of duty that landed him in Pearl Harbor and San Diego through the mid-’90s. But a friend from Hawaii, another Dave, had moved here and Perruzza would visit en route to see his family.

“I just kinda fell in love with JR.’s,” Perruzza says. “I’m not just saying this to be cliche but I love the bar, I love coming here and used to hang out here all the time.”

He started as a coat check the night he moved to D.C. Within a year he was in management. Now he oversees JR.’s, Cobalt, Level One and another JR.’s in Denver for his friend, owner Eric Little.

“I just like the bar business,” he says. “I thought I would go to the Pentagon and I could have gotten a job there very easily because of the Navy, but I just realized I like this so much more. I could never sit at a desk. It would drive me insane.”

One of JR.’s signature events is Tuesday — the annual “High Heel Race,” a Tuesday-before-Halloween 17th Street tradition. Perruzza, though, is in the midst of handing it over to Dupont Circle Main Streets, a historic preservation neighborhood entity of which he’s president. He says that group is better equipped to manage the race.

Perruzza calls himself “pathetically single.” His first week at JR.’s he had a stalker so he’s made it a policy not to hook up with or date people he meets there.

He calls his personal life “so boring it’s ridiculous.” He likes video games and has a tight-knit circle of friends he goes boating and on trips with. His idea of down time is staying home and relaxing with peace and quiet, a habit he attributes to his bar work life. He lives in the 16th Street Heights with his three dogs — Lucy, Romeo and Lola Mae — and a cat dubbed “the Miche.” (Blade photo by Michael Key)

How long have you been out and who was the hardest person to tell?

Since I was 18. My sister told on me so it was easy after that.

Who’s your gay hero?

Eric Little. He’s caring and sorta like my gay dad.

What’s Washington’s best nightspot, past or present?

JR.’s of course.

What’s your dream gay wedding?

Just me and my man and our immediate families.

What non-gay issue are you most passionate about?

Breast cancer

What historical outcome would you change?

The way the AIDS epidemic was handled. I have lost to many friends to it.

What’s been the most memorable pop culture moment of your lifetime?

I would have to say when Michael Jackson died. I was him for halloween one year so it hit me. I mean I grew up with him.

On what do you insist?

Honesty

What was your last Facebook post or Tweet?

It was a video post of the Howard Stern Show with guys with the smallest penises. It was disturbing yet hilarious.

If your life were a book, what would the title be?

“For Christmas My Mom Got Me a Sewing Machine and My Dad Got Me a Power Drill.” It’s a long title but that’s what it would be.

If science discovered a way to change sexual orientation, what would you do?

Nothing. I’m happy the way I am.

What do you believe in beyond the physical world?

Ghosts. I swear one lives in my house or at least my dog is staring at something in the middle of the night.

What’s your advice for LGBT movement leaders?

Don’t go all in and take it step by step. If you throw it in peoples’ face so quickly they are more likely to reject it but if you ease into something then they aren’t so shocked or surprised by it.

What would you walk across hot coals for?

It’s corny as hell but love.

What gay stereotype annoys you most?

That we are all nelly queens. Damn you Jack from “Will & Grace.”

What’s your favorite gay movie?

“Torch Song Trilogy,” then “Mambo Italiano,” then “Latter Days.” I just love gay movies.

What’s the most overrated social custom?

Can’t think of one.

What trophy or prize do you most covet?

My Navy Achievement medal.

What do you wish you’d known at 18?

That there were more people like me (who were gay).

Why Washington?

Close enough to my family but far enough away. It’s also an amazing city.

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Advice

After 16 years together, my wife suddenly wants children

‘I don’t want to be stuck in restrictive heteronormativity’

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Dear Michael,

A few months ago you answered a letter from a guy who wanted a baby but his boyfriend didn’t. I’m in the opposite situation. Carol and I have been together for 16 years (we’re married) and all of a sudden she wants to have a baby. This was never on the table until her dad died last year suddenly of a heart attack.  

Since then she’s been a different person. She tells me that she wants to focus on something “bigger” than just enjoying life and also wants some sort of sense that “life will go on.”

To me, being queer has always meant that we get to fully live life in the present, for us.  We don’t have to focus on having kids and all that entails: fertility stuff, sleep deprivation, diapers, babysitters, PTA obligations, college tuition, etc. Let straight people deal with those headaches while I enjoy myself. 

I don’t want to be stuck in restrictive heteronormativity, giving my time and energy to a kid who’s going to go from crying to whining to tantrums to rebellion to not talking to me. And then expect me to pay their bills after they’re 18.  

And why crowd the planet even more? In my opinion, having a baby on this planet is selfish sentimentality.

Carol and I always saw 100 percent eye-to-eye on this issue but now she’s gone over to the other side. I have shared all of the above to shake some sense into her but haven’t gotten anywhere. This was not our agreement at all.

I know you can’t change someone else, but doesn’t she owe our relationship a commitment to the life we already agreed on? I’ve suggested grief counseling but she says no.

Michael replies:

No one owes their partner a commitment to not change. It’s a guarantee that we all change over time. Relationships challenge us to stay with someone as we both evolve in big and sometimes unexpected ways over the years. There’s no way around this challenge if you want to stay happily married. 

It’s also true that you don’t have to keep living with someone who changes in ways you don’t want to accommodate. So, if Carol is certain that she wants to be a mom and if you are certain that you don’t, you can leave.

It makes sense that you’re sad and angry (putting it mildly) when your wife suddenly wants to completely upend your life. That said, you’re not going to improve your marriage by criticizing Carol or insulting her wish to parent. And if you pressure her to give up a deeply held wish, she will likely resent you.

Instead of these tactics, how about being curious regarding her desire to parent? What “bigger” meaning is she hoping to get from life? How does she think her father’s untimely death affected her, not just on this issue but possibly in other ways as well?

There’s great value in being curious about our partners’ differences rather than contemptuous or critical. That’s a path toward greater intimacy, in that we get to deeply understand the person we are spending our life with. While you may not stay with Carol, you still might want to have a close and caring relationship with the woman you’ve spent 16 years with. Understanding her better might also help you make some peace with her desire to parent.

I also want to encourage you to consider that there are many ways to be gay, lesbian, queer — to be just about anything. You could say it’s “heteronormative” to want to parent; but you could also view it as a common human (and non-human) desire that is unrelated to sexual orientation. Carol has different ideas for how she wants to live. This doesn’t mean that she is foolish.

I’m curious about why you have such an unrelentingly negative view about parenting and kids. Is it possible that you’ve had some tough experiences in your life that have shaped this view? 

I’m not pushing you to change your mind, but you might consider talking with some parents to get some sense of what parenting, and children, are actually like. 

You might open up your thinking, and your heart. You might decide you are willing to lean in Carol’s direction, or you might not. In any case, I’m hopeful that you would get a more balanced picture of what parenting and childhood can be. 

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].

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Real Estate

Yes, there are other coastal Delaware towns besides Rehoboth

Explore Bethany, Ocean View, Milton for more affordable options

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World War II watch towers dot the Delaware coastal landscape outside of Rehoboth. (Photo by Ethan Bean)

Often when we Washingtonians think of Delaware we think of Rehoboth Beach only. Well, believe it or not, there are actually other coastal towns besides Rehoboth — even some that are being taken over by gay buyers. Although you won’t find anything quite like Rehoboth, there are other options out there when looking for something perhaps a bit more affordable than Rehoboth within close proximity to all that Rehoboth has to offer.

The first option would be to look a bit farther inland. There are great condo options a bit inland from Rehoboth that will afford you some more space and are more economically priced. These options are usually a closer commute to those of us heading to the beach from D.C. Think of those condos you pass along Route 1 near the outlets – still having a Rehoboth address, but not the asking price of in-town Rehoboth. 

Let’s take a look at coastal towns that are outside of Rehoboth. Let me preface this by saying that I am a Delawarian. Born and raised in a real estate centric family with deep roots in Delaware. My grandfather always said, “Buy as close to the water as they won’t make more of it.” Obviously he was kind of wrong, because they make these hideous man-made retention pond, but of course he was speaking about the ocean and bay. No matter what coastal town I speak about in this article, they will be costly. It is just a fact. There are some options, however, that are priced a bit better than others.

Bethany Beach, for example. I know, it’s a bit sleepy and considered “family friendly,” however it is also priced better than Rehoboth. I am biased because that’s where I hang my hat and it’s a quick drive or Uber to Rehoboth for a night out or day at Poodle Beach. I also enjoy the fact that I have oodles of friends who have boats and have easy access to the bay for kayaking and afternoons out on the boats for happy hours. There’s nothing better than watching the sunset on the bay in a boat with a glass of rosé, something easily done with the access points from the Bethany Beach area.

Another coastal town that is on the opposite side of the state is Broadkill Beach. If you have ever visited the Outer Banks, this is the Outer Banks of Delaware. Broadkill Beach is technically in Milton, Del., and is a smaller beach community with essentially one road in and out providing a very exclusive feel for residents. The beaches are not like those of Rehoboth, Dewey, Bethany, or Fenwick. There is no boardwalk, no tourist attractions, little commercial development, etc. You literally go here for the beach, rest, and relaxation. Peace and quiet — the polar opposite from what Rehoboth provides.

Lastly, there are always quaint inland towns that offer respite from the beach but allow a quick drive to the sand. Some of my favorites are the town of Milton, which is a quick drive to Lewes beach. Milton provides a charming downtown area with shops, restaurants, coffeeshops, a lively arts district, and more. Truly a once upon a time sleepy town that in the past few years has woken up – it still retains its charm and character. Some of my favorite restaurants and shops are here. A quick drive takes you to the beaches of Lewes and also the town of Lewes, which is equally charming.

My next favorite coastal town – again – because I am biased – is Ocean View, which is a town outside of Bethany Beach. This town is more spread out, however it offers lots of restaurants, coffeeshops, Delaware State parks and this side of the Indian River Bridge, you gain easy access to the bay, which truly changes your way of life.

The next time you are at the beach, take time from kik’ing at Aqua or Poodle Beach and spend some time exploring the quaint town of Milton or drive along scenic Route 1 south to Bethany Beach to see what other coastal towns Delaware has to offer outside of Rehoboth that might be a more economical option in making your beach home a reality. I promise that a second home at the Delaware beaches is more within reach than you may think.

Justin Noble is a Realtor with Sotheby’s International Realty licensed in D.C., Maryland, and Delaware for your DMV and Delaware beach needs. Specializing in first-time homebuyers, development and new construction as well as estate sales, Justin provides white glove service at every price point. Reach him at 202-503-4243,  [email protected] or BurnsandNoble.com.

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Autos

Seductive sport-utes: Buick Evista, Subaru Outback

Two vehicles that punch way above their weight

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Buick Envista

Two recent sport-utes are surprise hits this year. Well, at least they are for me. That’s because the all-new Buick Envista and tried-and-true Subaru Outback both deliver more than expected—a lot more. Call it bait and switch, but in a good way. 

BUICK ENVISTA 

$24,000

MPG: 28 city/32 highway

0 to 60 mph: 9.3 seconds

Maximum cargo room: 42.0 cu. ft. 

PROS: Yowza design, yowza cabin, yowza price

CONS: Modest power, no all-wheel drive, so-so stereo

IN A NUTSHELL: If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then the Buick Envista is practically a Teutonic clone. Just a few months ago, I wrote about the BMW X6—a riveting ride with glam looks, oodles of high-tech gizmos and an uber-comfy interior. But all that awesomeness comes at a price: $75,000—and that’s just the base model. Choose a higher trim level or load up on chichi extras and this bad-ass Bimmer easily tops $100,000. 

Not so the Buick Envista, an all-new compact that starts at just $24,000. I test drove the high-end Avenir version, which was—wait for it—only $5,000 extra. And the Avenir comes standard with 19-inch nickel-finish wheels, upgraded suspension, power liftgate, keyless entry, remote start, heated seats, heated steering wheel and other goodies. 

After doing a double take on the Envista’s exquisite exterior, I did the same when slipping behind the wheel. Yep, there definitely is a Buick logo inside. But everything else could come from the kicky cabin of a BMW X6. This includes a fully digital dashboard stretched wide beneath the windshield, as well as stylish trapezoidal air vents, tasteful aluminum trim, armrests sculpted seamlessly into the doors and well-bolstered sport seats.

Turn on the stellar stereo in a BMW X6 and you could be in the front row at a Queen and Adam Lambert concert. In the Envista, the audio may not be quite as impressive, but those six speakers and nicely calibrated noise-cancellation function still provide a pleasant experience. 

This bantamweight Buick also has a surprising amount of space for passengers and cargo. Headroom is more than adequate, even for tallish backseat passengers. And folding those rear seats more than doubles the overall stowage.

All Envistas boast a bevy of safety gear, including lane-departure warning, lane-keeping assist, automatic braking, forward collision warning with pedestrian protection, and a “following-distance” indicator to monitor vehicles ahead of you. Oh yes, there’s a superb backup camera—high definition, no less. As with the BMW X6, this camera helps offset limited visibility from the small rear window in the sharply sloped roofline. 

For less than $1,000, you can add a blind-spot monitor, rear cross-traffic alert, adaptive cruise control, rain-sensing wipers, rear-park assist and heated side mirrors. Such options are much pricier on other vehicles.

No, this Buick is not a NASCAR rival. There’s no raw power or intimidating exhaust rumble. But the Envista’s acceleration, handling and braking are all solid, especially in commuter traffic. 

 Affordable. Economical. Thrifty. Call it what you will, the Buick Envista is half the price of an average vehicle today. That’s impressive for this “Mini-Me” of a BMW X6. 

SUBARU OUTBACK

$29,000

MPG: 26 city/32 highway

0 to 60 mph: 8.8 seconds

Maximum cargo room: 75.6 cu. ft. 

PROS: Relaxed ride, spacious interior, off-road maven 

CONS: Slow base engine, dated touchscreen, less fuel-friendly

IN A NUTSHELL: Station wagon? Sport-ute? All-activity vehicle? The Subaru Outback is all three, mixing the agility of all-wheel drive with sedan-like handling. The result: A composed ride equally at home on highways or trailways. 

The overall look is sleeker than a Ford Bronco but less luxe than a Lexus RX. While the Outback was last redesigned in 2020, each year Subaru makes at least a few improvements. For 2024, this mid-sizer receives minor styling updates, as well as more standard features on many of its nine trim levels. 

I test drove the top-of-the-line Touring XT for a week. At $41,000, the price is a whopping 40% higher than the base model. But the amenities rival what many competitors offer on vehicles costing twice as much. Along with heated/ventilated seats, heated steering wheel and heated power-folding side mirrors, there are plenty of other creature comforts: hands-free liftgate, water-repellant faux-leather upholstery, windshield wiper de-icer, tinted rear windows and premium 12-speaker Harman Kardon stereo. 

Curiously, the dual 7.0-inch touchscreen seems stuck in the 1990s. But you can choose a vertical, iPad-like 11.6-inch monitor instead. 

A front-view camera with 180-degree viewing angle makes it easy to peak around corners, while a digital rearview mirror allows you to see behind the vehicle even if the cargo area is fully loaded. Other safety items include adaptive cruise control, blind-spot monitor, pre-collision braking, lane-departure warning and drowsy-driver alert. 

Perhaps the only downside is the pokey 182-horsepower base engine. Skip it, and go for the quicker, more satisfying turbo.

Feature-laden but frugally priced, the Outback is similar to the Buick Envista — two vehicles that punch way above their weight. 

Subaru Outback
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