Arts & Entertainment
Hook-up addiction?
Apps and sex sites offer quick thrills, but could keep you from the LTR you seek
Dear Michael,
I seem to be spending more and more time on my phone lately, looking for hookups, but I’m having some doubts that this is all good. Pro: I’m meeting lots of hot guys and having a lot of hot sex. Con: I still am not in a relationship and want to have a boyfriend. Pro: All my friends are on the same apps and we have a lot of fun comparing notes. Con: We don’t seem to talk about much else. Pro: It gives me a rush and feels fun. Con: I think it’s eating up all my time. Pro: It’s fun to be able to meet guys quickly, wherever I am. Con: I almost had an accident while looking for guys on my phone while driving through North Carolina.
What do you think?
Possibly Screwed by my App
Dear Screwed,
Hooking up with people and the hunt for hookups, can feel great. Our brains produce chemicals that give us intense feelings of pleasure not just when we have sex, but also as we move toward getting naked: during foreplay, while we’re flirting, and — if we’re using an app to look for potential partners — when we take the very first step of launching the app. So, as you start scanning all those alluring possibilities on your phone, you are triggering a neurochemical response in your brain that can create an awesome high.
The problem is, because simply getting on the app makes you feel good, you are likely to get on it more and more often. And because actually finding hookups makes you feel good, you can easily get obsessed with chasing this particular high.
If it sounds like I’m using the language of addiction: You’re right, I am.
Now, let’s look at your situation from a slightly different perspective. The road to hooking up can be a speedy route to feeling attractive and desired. The validation we get, from both hookups and potential hookups, can seem like a powerful self-esteem boost. Typically, this leads us to pursue more and more hookups. Gay men, who usually have a core experience of feeling different and defective, are highly susceptible to this sort of fix.
Some problems with this: The boost is fleeting, because external praise for our surface attributes doesn’t really change how we feel about ourselves and we are likely to spend more and more time chasing short-lived validation from people we hardly know. If you don’t actually feel good about endlessly pursuing hookups, then hanging out with your app will ultimately lower your self-esteem. This is the opposite of what you’re looking for — and what you feel like you’re getting — when you launch the app.
The upshot is, you may be addicted to an experience that is keeping you hunting for hookups, even though you say you want a relationship. And because the particular high of intense excitement that you are chasing is a very different experience from the intimacy and commitment of a relationship, you are conditioning your brain to crave hookups, and their pursuit, rather than something more long-term.
If you want to make a change, you would benefit tremendously from strong support, because it isn’t easy to stop a behavior with such seductive and pleasurable payoffs, even if there are also negative consequences. You report that all your friends are similarly engaged, which makes it difficult to do something different. Consider looking for an additional social network (live rather than virtual) and perhaps a therapist knowledgeable about this issue to help you broaden your sources of pleasure, stimulation and connection.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at personalgrowthzone.com. All identifying information in the questions has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected]
Bars & Parties
Impulse Group DC to host fundraiser
Giving Tuesday and Happy Hour held at Thurst Lounge
Impulse Group DC, a local advocacy organization, will host “Giving Tuesday and Happy Hour” on Tuesday, Dec. 2 at 6 p.m. at Thurst Lounge.
This event is a special happy hour fundraiser filled with good vibes, great food, and community connection. DJ Obie will be on deck keeping the energy high while you enjoy tacos, cocktails, and the kind of atmosphere only Thurst can deliver.
A portion of every signature cocktail sold goes directly toward supporting Impulse Group D.C.’s work in sexual health, mental health, harm reduction, and social justice for the D.C. community.
Admission is free and more details are available on Eventbrite.
Friday, November 28
“Center Aging Friday Tea Time” will be at 12 p.m. in person at the DC Center for the LGBT Community’s new location at 1827 Wiltberger St., N.W. To RSVP, visit the DC Center’s website or email [email protected].
Go Gay DC will host “LGBTQ+ Community Happy Hour” at 7 p.m. at Dupont Italian Kitchen Bar. This event is ideal for making new friends, professional networking, idea-sharing, and community building. This event is free and more details are available on Eventbrite.
Saturday, November 29
Go Gay DC will host “LGBTQ+ Community Brunch” at 12 p.m. at Freddie’s Beach Bar & Restaurant. This fun weekly event brings the DMV area LGBTQ+ community, including allies, together for delicious food and conversation. Attendance is free and more details are available on Eventbrite.
Sunday, November 30
Go Gay DC will host “LGBTQ+ Coffee and Conversation” at 12 p.m. at As You Are. Guests are encouraged to come and enjoy stimulating conversation. For more details, visit Eventbrite.
Monday, December 1
“Center Aging: Monday Coffee Klatch” will be at 10 a.m. on Zoom. This is a social hour for older LGBTQ adults. Guests are encouraged to bring a beverage of choice. For more information, contact Adam ([email protected]).
“Soulfully Queer: LGBTQ+ Emotional Health and Spirituality Drop-In” will be at 3 p.m. at the DC Center for the LGBT Community. This group will meet weekly for eight weeks, providing a series of drop-in sessions designed to offer a safe, welcoming space for open and respectful conversation. Each session invites participants to explore themes of spirituality, identity, and belonging at their own pace, whether they attend regularly or drop in occasionally. For more details visit the DC Center’s website.
Tuesday, December 2
Universal Pride Meeting will be at 7 p.m. on Zoom. This group seeks to support, educate, empower, and create change for people with disabilities. Email [email protected] with any questions.
Friends of Dorothy Cafe will host “Choose Our Blend” at 6 p.m. at Stardust Vintage & Gift. Guests are encouraged to come sip, sample, and vote on a lineup of custom coffee blends from Rustic Route Coffee Co., a DMV-based queer-owned roaster. Guests’ votes will help Rustic Route choose the café’s official signature roast. Event organizers will take donations, and more details are available on Eventbrite.
Wednesday, December 3
Job Club will be at 6 p.m. on Zoom. This is a weekly job support program to help job entrants and seekers, including the long-term unemployed, improve self-confidence, motivation, resilience and productivity for effective job searches and networking — allowing participants to move away from being merely “applicants” toward being “candidates.” For more information, email [email protected] or visit www.thedccenter.org/careers.
Center Aging Women’s Social Discussion Group will be at 7 p.m. on Zoom. This group is a place where older LGBTQ women can meet and socialize with one another. There will be discussion, activities, and a chance for guests to share what they want future events to include. For more details, email [email protected].
Thursday, December 4
The DC Center’s Fresh Produce Program will be held all day at the DC Center for the LGBT Community. People will be informed on Wednesday at 5 p.m. if they are picked to receive a produce box. No proof of residency or income is required. For more information, email [email protected] or call 202-682-2245.
Virtual Yoga Class will be at 7 p.m. on Zoom. This is a free weekly class focusing on yoga, breathwork, and meditation. For more details, visit the DC Center for the LGBT Community’s website.
API Queer Support Group will be at 7 p.m. on Zoom. This is a support group for the Asian and Pacific Islander Queer Community. For more details, email [email protected].
Theater
D.C. theater scene has something for everyone this holiday season
‘Nutcracker,’ ‘A Christmas Carol,’ and much more
With its familiar music, yuletide imagery, and storytelling, theater can be a big part of the holidays. Add to that making memories and theater tickets wrapped as presents under the tree, and it’s a seasonal no brainer.
Folger Theatre presents “Resplendent Joy: Christmas Traditions from Spain and Portugal” (Dec. 5-14); the marvelous Folger Consort will perform early Spanish Christmas carols and traditional holiday music from early modern Spain and Portugal: folger.edu/resplendent
At Round House Theatre, playwright Sam Holcroft’s “Rules for Living” (Dec. 3-Jan. 4) makes its U.S. premiere. The darkly funny holiday comedy was a hit in London and is now hoping to repeat that success with a version tailored for the states. The seven-person cast includes versatile actors Naomi Jacobson and real-life spouse John Lescault. Ryan Rillette directs. roundhousetheatre.org
Theatre J presents “Chanukah in the Dark” (Dec. 6-21), an hour-long play ideal for ages five and up. “When the lights go out during Chanukah, Max and family begin sharing songs, stories, and traditions — only to discover the lights they needed and the miracles they searched for were in their midst all along.” edcjcc.org
The Cathedral Choral Society’s “Joy of Christmas” (Dec. 13-14) presents a wonderful program of carols and beloved holiday favorites at the festively decorated National Cathedral. The program features Seraph Brass, organist Edward Hewes, Carillonneur Edward M. Nassor, percussionist Mary La Blanc of “The President’s Own” U.S. Marine Band, and the Eastern Concert Choir from Eastern Senior High School. Cathedralchoralsociety.org
With “The Holiday Show,” (Dec. 13, 14, and 20), the Gay Men’s Chorus returns to entertain audiences with its annual and most popular show.
This year the holiday extravaganza is bigger than ever at historic Lincoln Theatre with new, soulful arrangements of favorite holiday carols: “The reindeer will be high-kicking and the snowflakes will sparkle. Songs include “O Holy Night,” “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer,” “Let It Snow,” “We Wish You the Merriest,” and “Go Tell It on the Mountain.’” gmcw.org
At Olney’s intimate Mulitz-Gudelsky Theatre Lab, out actor Michael Russotto is back for the holiday season in his solo show “Christmas Carol: A Ghost Story of Christmas” (through Dec. 28). The talented Russotto portrays nearly 50 different characters from the Charles Dickens classic, that proves “funnier and far more relevant than you might imagine.” Olneytheatre.org
Also on holiday offer in the DMV are a jolly bunch of musical chestnuts as well as reliable Christmas crowd-pleasers.
Included on the roster is Olney Theatre’s production of Jerry Herman’s “Hello, Dolly!” (through Jan. 4) starring the mega-talented Nova Y. Payton. Based on the play “The Matchmaker” by famed gay playwright Thornton Wilder, the musical has proved a vehicle for many a diva including Carol Channing, Pearl Bailey, Bette Midler, and Barbra Streisand. Now Payton dons the mantle and the buzz is good.
Another beloved musical is “Fiddler on the Roof” (through Jan. 25), the story of Tevye, a poor Jewish milkman, his family and their tight-knit community who honor tradition while contending with pogroms in Czarist Russia. Currently being performed intimately in the round at Signature Theatre in Arlington and directed by Joe Calarco, the large cast features actors Douglas Sills, Chrisopher Bloch, and terrific out actor Jake Loewenthal as the poor tailor Motel Kamzoil, all singing Broadway favorites like “Sunrise, Sunset” “If I Were a Rich Man” and “Matchmaker.” sigtheatre.org
At Shakespeare Theatre Company’s Harman Hall is Frank Loesser’s “Guys and Dolls” (through Jan. 4). Based on tales from famed American journalist Damon Runyon, the show focuses on two overlapping love stories set in Depression-era Times Square. The terrific score includes songs like “Luck Be a Lady,” “Sit Down, You’re Rockin’ the Boat,” “A Bushel and a Peck,” and more songs you’ll know. Directed by Francesca Zambello and choreographed by Joshua Bergasse.
The cast includes Julie Benko, Lamont Brown, and Holly Twyford as General Matilda B. Cartwright, which is reason enough to buy a ticket. shakespearetheatre.org
And for hardcore traditionalists there’s the Washington Ballet’s “The Nutcracker” (through Dec. 29) with its balletic magic at the charming gilded Warner Theatre. The beloved production of Tchaikovsky’s ballet, here set in 1882 Georgetown, features a retinue of agile partiers, children, soldiers, rats, and notable figures from American history. washingtonballet.org
And last but hardly least, historic Ford’s Theatre presents “A Christmas Carol” (through Dec. 31), an enduring Washington tradition since I was youngish. Conceived by Michael Baron, this charming Dickens’ moneymaker again spotlights Craig Wallace as miserly Ebenezer Scrooge who after a night of ghostly visits, rediscovers Christmas joy. Fords.org
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