October 27, 2016 at 10:50 am EDT | by Kate Clinton
The lesbian plot to elect Hillary
P'town, gay news, Washington Blade, rigged

Hillary Clinton with Kate Clinton at a fundraiser in Provincetown. (Photo courtesy of Kate Clinton)

This is my last column for the Washington Blade.

Since 2013, it has been a pleasure to reflect on many momentous LGBT events. During my four-year tenure, the Supreme Court struck down DOMA and Prop 8. Pope ‘who-am-I-to-judge?’ Francis was sworn in. Athletes started coming out of the closet and breached one of the last homophobic barriers. The Supreme Court ruled we were full human beings entitled to full marriage equality.

When the inevitable backlash began, it was good to have an outlet for my fury. Lil Kim gave Kentucky a bad name. North Carolina rescinded gender-neutral bathroom ordinances. Then there was the heartbreaking news out of Orlando. All this happened in the context of endless war, racist violence, wealth disparity, retro-misogyny and a seemingly endless presidential campaign.   

I have been grateful for the opportunity to write this column and am grateful to you, my readers. The discipline of a deadline made me write more regularly, if not always gratefully. Many of the ideas in my monthly columns found their way into my stand-up. And some lines in my stand-up – “If the Internet were in 3D it would look like ISIS” – should have been a column in the first place and not so much a series of jokes.   

But this is my last column. Cue the weeping, the wailing and the keening.  “Nooooo, don’t go!”  Keep it up. “We won’t know what the old lesbians are thinking without you!” Cue the gnashing of the teeth, the rending of the garments unless they’re Eileen Fisher.

This is my last column for the Blade — wait for it — without a woman elected president of the United States.   

Hope that buildup didn’t sound as coy as Trump saying he will accept the outcome of the election “if I win.” He said he meant it as a joke, but we saw his joke skills at that Holy Friars Club Roast in NYC. He is dead serious when he claims that the election will be rigged. That is: it is so unnatural for a woman to be president, her election would perforce, be rigged.

Truth be told, and it so rarely is, the election is rigged. I was at that secret meeting. Back in the ‘80s, all the different lesbo-feminista families got together at an old hunting lodge in the Poconos. The patriarchy wasn’t going down fast enough. Or at all.  We were sick and tired of it. We debated for days. We finally decided on the plan.

First, we needed a woman president. We decided to run a battle-tested woman, probably a grandma, well-known, but not beloved. Her EQ could only go up. The kind of dame who never gives up, will wear you down, and make you beg to be water-boarded. That kind of dame.

We’d lure the media into creating the biggest, whitest slab of primo patriarch, clueless capitalist, trigger alert, vulgar showman to run against her.  Of course we knew we ran the danger of his appeal to actual voters. We fought about strategies. We agreed to have a three-minute tape of him bragging about his sexual exploits. We knew there would be one. We were willing to use it.  Billy Bush was the bonus. Turns out those three minutes have had the combined effect of 1,204 Take Back the Night Rallies, 793 Slut Walks and 27,119 performances of “The Vagina Monologues.”

We are encouraged but we caution each other not to get complacent as we near the completion of Phase 1. We remind each other that the polls are artificial intelligence. We have a huge get-the-sisters-out-to-vote plan. We are eager to begin Phase 2. It’s all in the emails.

So hell no, this is not my last column. I’ve been working for this moment for more than half my life. Oh Hill, yes.

Kate Clinton is a longtime humorist. She writes regularly for the Blade.

7 Comments
  • Wasn’t that discussion at Michigan?

  • Kim Davis gave Kentucky a bad name.

  • It’s so weird to see this Clinton fetish come from older lesbians. As if you forgot who signed DOMA into law.. As if you’re not paying attention to the leaked emails saying bill and Hillary still believe in DOMA. As if electing a vagina was all that mattered?
    Truth be told. There’s another woman in the race, another woman who was pro gay marriage before the republicans or democratics, another woman in the race that for some reason older lesbians see as a threat to their hill. Talk about sexist double standards.
    What would be truely awe inspiring, would be to elect an honest person, an activist for the people, someone who’s public policies match their private policies, someone who doesn’t think they’re above the law.. If only that person existed? Oh wait. She does. Dr.Jill Stein.
    Consistency and authenticity matters, and Dr Stein walks the talk. Now that’s something to be proud of.

    And don’t try to whitesplain to me about how a vote for Jill is a vote for Trump. Look up the track record on Hillary. It’s full of blood and tears for POC and minorities.No, thank you.

    #JillNotHill

    • Are you people ever going to wake up from your delusional nonsense and see reality? Trump has to be beaten, and we don’t need your magical emoprogressive unicorn nonsense putting him into the White House based on how butthurt you are about Clinton not meeting your standards of extreme emoprogressive left-wing purity.

  • Terrifying. So nothing about the emails bothers you? You have read some, or about them, I hope? At least the incriminating ones? You really don’t care about the thousands of people being bombed under Obama, and that she will continue? This is my last feeble attempt of the day at reaching out to yet another apathetic H supporter. Boggles the mind. (You are complicit)

    • Greenland, please get over yourself and your unrealistic magical unicorn pony expectations; they’re not going to work in the real world. I’ve got something for you to read that will get you and people like you to stop spewing the nonsense that you spew: Politics 101 For The Left, Revisited

    • OMG! This woman is a very funny stand-up comedian, and this is a satirical, humorous, thing she wrote. Do you know why? Because she knew you and a whole lot of people would react exactly this way. You played right into her joke. My goodness, you and people like you are some of the most frightened people I have ever encountered, and thus, such easy targets to prank. I could say that you think there are only .05 of the population who are lesbians….but oh, no, we are everywhere, you can’t keep your daughters safe from us! Oh come on, I hope you haven’t just fainted out of fear. I am joking, so is Kate Clinton. We are not people to fear, we truly do not wish you or anyone else harm. We, are simply women–Democrats and Republicans, Christians, atheists, Pageans, parents single, married, your neighbors, your children, your sisters. I honestly feel much sympathy for you–no one should live in that kind of fear. If you ever meet a lesbian, do not be afraid of her. She may turn out to be one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. But my main point here is this–sure, like many heterosexual women, we would love to see a woman be president. And many have worked hard to achieve enough equality to pave the way for that to happen. But there is no evil plot or plan to accomplish that task. She simply wrote a satire piece meant to be funny. If you don’t like it, ignore it. Just don’t let it frighten you so much. Okay??

© Copyright Brown, Naff, Pitts Omnimedia, Inc. 2019. All rights reserved.