This year some of us are taking our partners home for the holidays and wondering how we can, ahem, slide the package up the porch without the ‘rents finding out.
The simplest solution is to avoid sex during your visit but for the more adventurous among us, this is unacceptable. The siren song of sneaking around, the chance to show Santa the true meaning of being naughty, well, these are temptations that may be too strong to resist.
Should you decide to take the risk I have a few suggestions. My top recommendation is a soundproofing technique so next-level your parents won’t be able to hear you even if they’re in the next room and the sounds coming out of your bedroom are louder than a car horn going off at 3 a.m.
In fact, my method is so good you could hammer it in like a roofing crew on the creakiest bed with the squeakiest floors and your parents still wouldn’t hear you.
My technique? Get your parents drunk and wait till they pass out.
Ahh, the holidays really bring out the best in everyone, don’t they?
Obviously, there are ethical and moral consequences to leading your parents in a cheer (“One tequila, two tequilas, three tequilas, FLOOR!”). If you don’t feel comfortable with the fallout, maybe save that approach for 2022.
Perhaps the better route is to soundproof the guest room. Start by sneaking into your parents’ bedroom when they’re not home. Have your partner stay in the guest room and imitate the kind of noises likely to come out of a typical lovemaking session. This will give you a close approximation of how much noise you can get away with.
Now you’re ready for the actual soundproofing. First, use a towel to “weather-strip” the bottom of the door. Then, put some more underneath the bed. This will further muffle the noise coming out of your mufflers and ensure that private time stays private.
I can’t stress this too much — rapid-fire squeaks will betray you. The human mind is built to recognize patterns, and the pounding sounds of love are unmistakable. If toweling up isn’t possible, set up camp on the floor. At least there you’ve eliminated sounds from the headboard and the bedsprings.
Second, bring a portable Bluetooth or wireless speaker and place it right behind the door. If the bed squeaks, play a lot of Britney. If either of you moan a lot, play Barry White, Leonard Cohen or hell, Adele.
Another option: A sound machine playing white noise. Of course, that means you have to remember to bring all these items, so put them on your To Do Him list. Here are a couple of more items: WD-40 and a screwdriver. Very helpful for tightening bed screws and reducing friction.
Also, they’re apt metaphors for what you’re hoping to do in bed.
If your parents have especially thin walls, run the shower (they’ll hear the water running in the pipes, camouflaging your naughty sounds).
Finally, put a chair under the doorknob if they don’t have a lock. It will save a lot of unpleasantness should the soundproofing work so well Mom thinks now’s the time to ask what you want for breakfast.
Holiday sex at your parents’ house is a DIY project: You take matters into your own hands, bring the right tools and do the work with missionary zeal. The result? Bragging rights. You’ll be able to tell friends, “The presents weren’t the only things that got laid under the tree.”
Michael Alvear is the author of “How To Bottom Like A Porn Star” and “How To Top Like A Porn Star.” For more information, visit likeapornstar.net.