Living
The LGBTQ generational wealth gap
Family rejection, inheritance exclusion contribute to problems
It’s no secret that LGBTQ+ people face a range of financial challenges that heterosexual people simply don’t need to contend with. Less discussed are the effects of financial discrimination on building LGBTQ+ generational wealth. The stereotypical view of a wealthy gay couple with no children and a sizable disposable income is just that — a stereotype.
In reality, the “American Dream”— buying a home, getting married, having kids, finding a good job and investing in a 401(k) — is out of reach for many LGBTQ+ people, according to a survey by TD Ameritrade. Almost two thirds (35 percent) of LGBTQ+ millennials say they are unlikely to achieve these goals by age 40, compared to fewer than half of straight millennials. The same survey found that while the average annual income for a straight household is $79,400, the average LGBTQ+ household earns just $66,200 a year.
LGBTQ+ people are being left out of generational wealth for many reasons including family rejection, systematic barriers and a lack of financial education. With almost half of LGBTQ+ adults saying they have been excluded by a family member or close friend as a result of their sexual orientation or gender identity, according to a study by the Pew Research Center, a lack of familial financial support is a common problem for many in the community.
This combination of unique financial barriers that LGBTQ+ people face is what has led to generational wealth gap. It’s a problem that will only affect more queer people if we don’t address it now.
Legacy financial exclusion
At every stage of life, it’s not uncommon for LGBTQ+ people to encounter financial challenges that their heterosexual counterparts won’t face. Being kicked out of their homes as teens due to unaccepting parents, not receiving financial support from family for college, being removed from an inheritance — the financial cost of being LGBTQ+ can be substantial.
With the average inheritance reaching close to $177,000 according to a HSBC survey and Cerulli Associates forecasting that up to $68 trillion will trickle down to younger generations within 25 years, LGBTQ+ heirs could collectively lose trillions through inheritance exclusion.
“Even much smaller amounts could help folks pay off debt, pay off a home, send their own kids to college and help them with their own retirement. Many LGBTQ+ kids aren’t getting these benefits,” explains John Auten-Schneider. Auten-Schneider is the co-owner of The Debt Free Guys blog and host of the Queer Money podcast, a leading gay money blog and podcast for the LGBTQ+ community run by him and his husband, David.
Raising a deposit for a house or apartment can be a difficult task for all people, but without financial support from family, many would not be able to fund a deposit. When David’s parents pass away, David’s sister will likely be inheriting upwards of $1,000,000. Yet, David says, he won’t receive any of this money, solely because he’s gay. “His parents have every right to do with their money what they want, but it’s a particular disappointment that they’ll do this only because he’s gay. This, of course, means we need to plan differently for our retirement than his sister does,” explains John.
Just because David and John are LGBTQ+ financial experts doesn’t mean they don’t deal with many of the same systematic challenges that impact other members of the community. Younger LGBTQ+ people also face challenges directly related to their sexuality or gender identity.
A disproportionately high number of young people experiencing homelessness identify as members of the LGBTQ+ community. According to research from the Williams Institute, between 20 percent and 45 percent of homeless youth identify as LGBTQ+. Lacking access to basic housing or financial support from family can set up a young person up for economic disadvantage before they even graduate from high school.
LGBTQ+ students also shoulder a larger student debt burden than their straight peers to the tune of an extra $16,000. “This has been attributed, in part, to LGBTQ+ college students assuming more debt simply to leave hostile home lives. In some cases, parents may forgo helping their queer children in favor of helping their straight children,” explains John.
Knowledge is power
At the start of 2020, Michigan-based Lexa VanDamme was at her financial rock bottom. Stuck at work after a 70-plus hour work week with no money in her bank account, bills due the next day and a broken down car, she decided to make a change. “I realized that I needed to face my financial situation,” says VanDamme. “I dove deep into the online world of personal finance to learn about budgeting, debt payoff methods, saving and investing.”
After her crash course in finance, VanDamme refinanced her credit card debt into a lower-rate personal loan, created a workable budget and started a side hustle to make extra income. There were a few bumps on her journey: “I actually cycled back into credit card debt three different times. I would pay it off, then eventually max it out a few months later,” says VanDamme. Still, she managed to pay off her debt by following the financial rules she had set for herself.
While trying to learn about personal finance on her own, VanDamme realized there was a need for accessible and relatable content that appealed to a wide range of people. She decided to create The Avocado Toast Budget (The ATB). Starting out as a blog just over a year ago, The ATB now counts more than 400,000 followers on Tiktok.
“For the longest time, the loudest voices in the personal finance community were cis, straight white males and, as a queer woman, I wanted to share information and tips that were often overlooked by those creators,” says VanDamme.
For many LGBTQ+ people like VanDamme, after spending so long hiding who she really was, she wanted to live as true to herself and be as free as possible. “This led to me ignoring my spending habits and being stuck in the paycheck-to-paycheck cycle. Airing my financial dirty laundry brought up similar feelings of anxiety and concern I felt when first coming out. How would people react? What would they think?” says VanDamme.
There is already a heavy stigma around talking about personal finances, especially when you may be struggling financially. “Since queer people often spend our lives fighting for the world to accept us and our queerness, we may be less apt to talk about our financial insecurities and struggles,” says VanDamme.
Genuine representation goes beyond just diversifying the financial content creators who receive media platforms, with the advice given by these experts also needing to be fully inclusive. “Advice tended to ignore how systems of oppression affect people of color, women, the LGBTQ+ community and more. We know statistically that it’s easier for some to build wealth than others,” she adds.
VanDamme has an ongoing series on Instagram focused on the intersectional nature of many financial issues. The series helps shed some light on the economic realities that often contributes to minority community challenges. From financial inequality that disproportionately impacts disabled people to wealth inequity and racism and the cycle of poverty, VanDamme works to educate her audience on pressing topics that matter to them.
“It’s especially important to talk about the financial challenges that trans people in our community face. This includes increased reports of lower wages, limited and more expensive housing options, and twice the rate of unemployment. This heavily impacts their ability to build wealth,” she explains.
Intersectional challenges
While being LGBTQ+ can underpin unique money issues, queer people of color and queer women often experience additional difficulties around financial matters.
In addition to the financial barriers faced by LGBTQ+ people, queer people of color also face a racial wealth gap. Employment discrimination, systematic inequalities and disparities in financial education all contribute to this unequal financial playing field.
According to research from the Federal Reserve, the average white family’s wealth is eight times higher than the wealth of an average Black family. The gender pay gap also contributes to excluding women from building generational wealth, according to the latest statistics compiled by Pew Research, which show that women earned 84 percent of what men earned in 2020.
Carmen Perez, creator of Make Real Cents, a personal finance blog dedicated to helping people achieve financial independence, believes it’s important to have experts who are more representative of the people they’re speaking to. “I heard a quote a while ago: ‘You can’t be what you can’t see.’ I think that’s really important because eventually, if you don’t have a model to follow, either you have to be the first, or it’s never going to happen,” she says.
As a woman of color and a lesbian, Perez knows firsthand how important it is to address the absence of representation in financial education. “It’s definitely one of the things we have to step back and look at in the LGBT community,” says Perez. “There’s a compounding effect because not only am I part of the LGBT community as a lesbian, but I’m also a minority, and I’m also a woman, and there’s a lot of hurdles up against a lot of folks in this space,” she adds.
With more than 60,000 people following her Make Real Cents account, Perez is playing a part in democratizing access to finance. There, she does everything from break down the cost of credit to explain 401(k) company matches with easy-to-read graphics and Insta stories. Her methods are a world away from the complexity of some traditional financial advisors and tools.
“Millennials are starting to change the money game because we’re delivering advice in a way that isn’t super technical. It can be so overwhelming to watch CNBC with all these screens and tickers that don’t mean anything to you personally,” says Perez.
Increased representation in the finance space means a light can be shone on vital issues, resulting in deeper conversations that make money less taboo. “We’re finding instances where historically people who have been locked out of the finance industry, by design, are speaking up. Unlike some traditional financial advisors that give out all this jargon and talk in all these terms that many may not understand,” says Perez.
Future generations
Despite the long-standing barriers facing LGBTQ+ people in gaining access to financial education and financial services, LGBTQ+ personal finance content creators now offer a way for many to improve their financial literacy in more convenient ways than ever before. While investing early and regularly is one of the most effective ways to secure a financially comfortable retirement, it’s never too late to build wealth and support for the next generation of LGBTQ+ people.
“[You can] create legacy wealth within the LGBTQ+ community by setting up your estate plan to donate to LGBTQ+ causes that will help homeless youth and [by] giving to local, younger LGBTQ+ folks you know personally,” adds John.
Negotiating the LGBTQ+ generational wealth gap is no small feat. But continuing the discussion around both financial literacy and taking steps to combat systematic financial issues can go a long way to address the financial challenges impacting the LGBTQ+ community.
“The stronger we are as LGBTQ+ individuals and allies, including our financial strength, the stronger we are as a community,” concludes John.
Finbarr Toesland is an award-winning journalist committed to illuminating vital LGBTQ+ stories and underreported issues. His journalism has been published by NBC News, BBC, Reuters, VICE, HuffPost, and The Telegraph.
Advice
How to cope when a partner gives you the silent treatment
Punishing behavior brings up memories of parent’s mistreatment
Michael,
My wife and I met less than two years ago and we were crazy about each other from the start. We wanted to spend life together so we just went for it. Maybe this wasn’t the most well-thought out decision on either of our parts but we thought that love conquers all.
But lately we’ve been arguing. The stuff we’re fighting about is never such a big deal: chores, or spending, or wanting to do different things on the weekend. But when I don’t want to go along with Michelle’s point of view, she gets angry and shuts down. Sometimes she stops talking to me for as long as a few days.
This is painful for me. My mom used to pull this stunt when I was a kid and she was mad at me. She also cut me off when I came out. We’re still estranged.
Michelle has a whole different take on this. She says I am being “mean” to her (when I don’t go along with what she wants) and this is painful, and she has to “take a break” to cool off.
I know she comes from a volatile family. She has told me there was a lot of screaming in her house, and she barely has a relationship with her parents as a result. So I get that she’s sensitive to conflict.
But I don’t think I’m being mean to her by standing up for what I want — certainly not enough to warrant her giving me the silent treatment.
We got married to have a great life together. We often do but I can’t live with someone who just shuts me out when she’s annoyed with me.
If I became a doormat and went along with everything she wants and never pushed back or complained, maybe she wouldn’t shut down. But I don’t want to do that.
I’d appreciate some ideas to improve the situation. I don’t want a divorce but I also don’t want to keep being mistreated.
Michael replies:
You can think of marriage — or any serious relationship — as a gym where you have ongoing opportunities to become an increasingly resilient person in the face of the ongoing challenges that an intimate relationship poses.
Your task here is to shift your focus toward figuring out how to handle yourself well, even in the awful circumstance of getting the silent treatment.
Michelle is not under an obligation to behave as you’d like her to. You can certainly ask her to stop withdrawing when she’s angry at you. But that doesn’t mean she is going to honor your request.
I well understand that Michelle’s punishing behavior is bringing up painful memories of your mother’s mistreatment. But if she doesn’t change her behavior, you have to find a way to live with Michelle as she is, with as much equanimity as you can muster, for as long as you choose to be married to her. If she does not change and you find her behavior to be unbearable, you can leave.
Every time she shuts down, Michelle is handing you an opportunity to figure out how you, yourself, can deal with feeling hurt and let down, rather than depending on someone else to behave as you’d like her to, or not upset you, or soothe you. Being in charge of your own mood rather than letting someone else press your buttons is a great skill to get better at.
I’m not going focus on what techniques you might use to soothe yourself — that’s a different column (or even better, a number of therapy sessions). That said, knowing that Michelle’s behavior comes from her history might help you to take it less personally. And, simply keeping in mind that living with a difficult spouse is unavoidable and worth getting better at may help you to quiet yourself down.
Another challenge that your marriage is pushing you to work on: Discerning when you can be generous, and when it is important to have a boundary. Of course, I understand that you don’t want to be a doormat by going along with whatever Michelle says and wants. But is it possible that she has a point, in that you could stand to lean more in her direction?
None of us get to have everything the way we want when we are in a relationship (much less in life). Figuring out the interplay between generosity and boundary is complicated. It often involves considering what is important to your partner; and deriving joy from her getting some of what is important to her, not only from your getting what you would like. And of course, it also involves figuring out what is most important to you.
If you set a boundary thoughtfully, because something is important to you, and Michelle doesn’t like it, you’re being handed an opportunity to get better at tolerating disappointment. Being a disappointment to your partner, and being disappointed in your partner, are both unavoidable parts of marriage: We’re all different, and at times will make choices that the other person really does not like.
If we make our decisions from a place of integrity rather than whim, entitlement, anger, or “whose turn it is”, and strive to honor the choices that our partners make from a place of integrity, this often makes the disappointment easier to bear.
Of course, it would be great if Michelle would join you in working to become a more solid and resilient spouse. As I mentioned earlier, you can’t persuade her to do so. But you can certainly tell Michelle what you are working on and ask her to consider how she, too, might use your relationship difficulties as a challenge to grow.
It isn’t easy to have such a conversation without sounding condescending. You are better positioned to do so when you are walking the walk, not just talking the talk. One good rule of thumb is to put you and your partner in the same boat, making it clear that you see the two of you as facing the same challenges, rather than positioning yourself in a superior position. Another is to initiate the conversation when you are both calm, rather than in the middle of a fight or when you’re getting the silent treatment.
One more point: If Michelle is willing, I’d suggest that you propose couples therapy as an opportunity for you two to collaborate on building a consistently loving relationship where neither of you lets your reactivity run the show.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].
Electric-vehicle tax credits may have faded earlier this year, but EVs themselves are far from losing their spark. There are more charging stations than ever, battery ranges are longer and more realistic, and automakers have finally figured out that EVs don’t all need to look like geeky science projects or feel like failed beta tests.
Just look at these two compact electrics, which are futuristic, fun and flexible enough for work or play.
HYUNDAI IONIQ 5
$37,000 to $48,000
Range: 245 to 318 miles
0 to 60 mph: 4.5 to 7.4 seconds
Cargo space: 26.3 cu. ft.
PROS: Fast charging. Roomy cabin. Silky-smooth suspension.
CONS: Wide turning radius. Rear wiper not on all trims. Price creep.
After being introduced three years ago, what’s new for the latest Hyundai Ioniq 5? Mostly refinement. Charging is quicker, software is smarter and Hyundai continues to quietly listen to feedback, tweaking ride comfort and usability. Think of it as switching from messy eyeliner to a perfectly sharp wing.
Exterior styling remains one of this EV’s biggest conversation starters. Those pixel-inspired lights, crisp lines and slick hatchback-meets-crossover proportions exude refreshing confidence. There’s no trying to blend in, and that’s the point. Park this Hyundai anywhere and heads will turn.
On the road, the Ioniq 5 prioritizes calm over chaos. Steering is light, the suspension smooths out rough pavement and acceleration feels brisk without being aggressive. Safety tech is plentiful and well-calibrated—adaptive cruise control, lane-centering, blind-spot monitoring—all working together without seeming like a nervous backseat driver. IOW, this ride is supportive, not clingy.
Inside, the user-friendly cabin shines. The flat floor and long wheelbase create a lounge-like atmosphere, with excellent legroom and airy visibility. Seats are well-bolstered and available with eco-friendly materials, and the sliding center console adds flexibility. Cargo space is generous, and the wide windshield makes city driving stress-free. Alas, the rear wiper is only available on select models. Overall, though, I appreciated how everything looks modern without feeling cold.
What makes this Hyundai special is its vibe. An EV that embraces individuality without shouting about it.
Fun fact: The Ioniq’s ultra-fast charging can add hundreds of miles in under 20 minutes—perfect for those who hate waiting almost as much as they hate small talk on awkward first dates.
VOLKSWAGEN ID.4
$46,000 to $59,130
Range: 206 to 291 miles
0 to 60 mph: 4.4 to 7.7 seconds
Cargo space: 30.3 cu. ft.
PROS: Sure handling. Decent range. Good storage.
CONS: Body roll in curves. Fussy infotainment. No frunk.
The latest VW ID.4 focuses on polish. Software updates have fixed earlier frustrations, and overall drivability feels more cohesive. Less “learning curve” and more “hop in and go,” like a dependable bestie who doesn’t overthink things.
Styling-wise, this EV is intentionally inoffensive. Soft curves, friendly lighting and a familiar crossover shape make it approachable. While the ID.4 won’t turn heads like the Ioniq 5, that’s OK. It’s more akin to a classic outfit that always works—timeless, not trendy.
Driving the ID.4 is relaxed and predictable. This SUV prioritizes comfort over thrills, with a suspension tuned for daily commuting and long highway drives. Safety features are comprehensive and reassuring, including excellent lane assistance and collision-prevention systems. It’s the kind of car that quietly has your back, no drama required.
Inside, the ID.4 offers a calm, uncluttered cabin with good space for passengers and cargo alike. Rear-seat legroom is especially strong, making it a solid road-trip companion. The seats are plush, visibility is good and while the infotainment system isn’t the most intuitive, it’s improved enough to be more than tolerable.
The ID.4’s special sauce is balance. It doesn’t try to reinvent the wheel—it just electrifies it.
Fun fact: This is one of the most globally popular EVs, proving that sometimes being universally liked is a strength, not a personality flaw. Think, gold star gay who still surprises you.
Real Estate
Child- and pet-proofing your home for the holidays
It isn’t about being perfect but about being prepared
The holidays are meant to be joyful, cozy, and full of laughter — but if you have young children or pets, they can also feel a little chaotic. Twinkling lights, shiny decorations, guests coming and going, and tables full of tempting food can turn your home into a wonderland of curiosity and mischief. The good news? With a little thoughtful planning, you can keep the holiday magic alive while making your home safer for everyone who lives there.
There’s something oddly comforting about movies where animals go to war with holiday decorations, turning carefully strung lights and perfectly placed ornaments into chaos. Whether it’s a mischievous dog tangled in tinsel or a curious cat launching a full-scale assault on a Christmas tree, these scenes tap into a universal experience for pet owners.
The humor comes from the contrast: the human characters are trying to create warmth, tradition, and picture-perfect cheer, while the animals see the decorations as toys, obstacles, or personal enemies. The resulting destruction — trees tipping over, ornaments shattering, lights blinking out—feels exaggerated but relatable, especially during the already hectic holiday season.
Let’s start with decorations because they tend to be the biggest attraction. Ornaments sparkle, garlands dangle, and everything seems designed to be touched, pulled, or tasted. If you have little ones or pets, consider placing your most fragile ornaments higher on the tree and using shatterproof options on the lower branches. Tinsel and ribbon may look festive, but they can be dangerous if swallowed, so skipping them or keeping them well out of reach is a simple way to reduce risk without sacrificing style.
Holiday lights are another favorite fascination. Before hanging them, take a few minutes to inspect each strand for frayed wires or broken bulbs. Secure cords along walls or behind furniture so they’re harder to grab or chew and unplug them when you leave the house or head to bed. Not only does this help prevent accidents, but it also gives you one less thing to worry about during a busy season.
The Christmas tree itself can become a focal point for exploration. Make sure it’s sturdy and well-anchored so it doesn’t tip if a toddler tugs on a branch or a pet decides to investigate. If you use a real tree, cover the water base since tree water can contain additives that aren’t safe if consumed. For artificial trees, keep an eye out for loose pieces or needles that could become choking hazards.
Food is a big part of holiday celebrations, and it’s also one of the most common sources of trouble. Many traditional treats—like chocolate, grapes, raisins, alcohol, and foods containing xylitol—are dangerous for pets. Keep plates and serving dishes up high, secure the trash can, and gently remind guests not to slip pets or kids “just a little bite” without checking first. For children, be mindful of hard candies, nuts, and small treats that could pose choking risks.
Candles and fireplaces add warmth and charm, but they deserve extra caution. Flameless candles are a wonderful alternative if you want ambiance without worry. If you do use real candles, place them well out of reach and never leave them unattended. Fireplaces should always have a sturdy screen or gate, especially with crawling babies or curious pets nearby.
Holiday gatherings bring wonderful energy into your home, but they can also create new challenges. Doors opening frequently make it easier for pets to slip outside, so consider setting up a quiet, comfortable space where they can relax during busy get-togethers. This can help reduce stress for them and give you peace of mind. For children, stair gates, locked cabinets, and clear boundaries can help prevent accidents when there’s extra excitement in the air.
New toys and gifts are another thing to watch closely. Packaging, twist ties, plastic wrap, and especially button batteries should be cleaned up promptly. These items are easy to overlook in the excitement of gift-opening but can be dangerous if swallowed. Taking a few minutes to tidy up as you go can make a big difference.
Lastly, try to keep routines as steady as possible. The holidays naturally disrupt schedules, but familiar mealtimes, naps, walks, and bedtime rituals help children and pets feel secure. A calmer household often means fewer accidents and a happier experience for everyone.
At the end of the day, child- and pet-proofing your home for the holidays isn’t about being perfect but about being prepared. A few small adjustments can help you relax, enjoy your guests, and focus on what truly matters: creating warm, happy memories with the ones you love. When your home feels safe, the holidays feel even sweeter.
Valerie M. Blake is a licensed Associate Broker in D.C., Maryland, and Virginia with RLAH @properties. Call or text her at 202-246-8602, email her at [email protected] or follow her on Facebook at TheRealst8ofAffairs.
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