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Young and proud

20 youths reflect on coming out early and misconceptions about millennials

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LGBT Millennials, gay news, Washington Blade

(Washington Blade photo by Michael Key)

Youth Pride will be here soon. LGBT young people from all over the D.C. area will spend Saturday, May 2 from noon-5 p.m. in Dupont Circle enjoying performances, games, speakers, testimonials and more (details at youthpridealliance.org).

To celebrate this year’s event, Washington Blade staff teamed up with SMYAL to profile 20 local youths 20 and under. Their perspectives encompass the full range of queer teen experience from bullying and harassment to acceptance and joy.

20 under 20, gay news, Washington Blade

Carolyn Kidd (Washington Blade photo by Michael Key)

NAME: Carolyn Kidd

 

AGE: 20

 

RESIDENCE: Maryland

 

ID AS: genderqueer/queer

 

CAME OUT: senior year of high school

1. What kind of reaction have you received being out at school?

The reaction of my peers has mostly been positive. However when I attended Duquesne University, a Catholic university in Pittsburgh, I experienced bigotry and “aversion” to “the gay lifestyle.” At St. Mary’s College of Maryland, I experienced a kind of gay euphoria and was accepted … and was able to start a club for trans students.

2. How have your family, friends and community reacted?

My family and friends reacted positively, however my parents were concerned about how being out would impact my future.

3. Have there been any benefits/downsides to being out?

There have been no overt downsides to being out, but hearing people openly badmouth the LGBT community is hard.

4. What’s been the hardest or best part of being out?

The hardest is constantly being misgendered whether it’s being called “sir,” “young lady” or using the wrong pronouns.

5. Did you go to Youth Pride last year?

No

6. What is the biggest misconception LGBT Boomers and Gen Xers have about LGBT Millennials?

That trans people are cross dressers and confused. Trans folks are often excluded.

20 under 20, gay news, Washington Blade

Jason Adle (Washington Blade photo by Michael Key)

NAME: Jason Adle

 

AGE: 16

 

RESIDENCE: Gaithersburg, Md.

 

ID AS: gay

 

CAME OUT: 2010-ish

1. What kind of reaction have you received being out at school?

The reaction at school has been neutral at worst and encouraging at best. For the most part, encouraging and supportive.

2. How have your family, friends and community reacted?

By and large, supportive and positive.

3. Have there been any benefits/downsides to being out?

The main benefit is that there is no stress to not be yourself. You can be you to the Nth degree.

4. What’s been the hardest or best part of being out?

The worst part is having to deal with those who you did not want to know your identity at a certain time. But on the flip side, it is absolutely great not having to feel trapped in being something you’re not.

5. Did you go to Youth Pride last year?

I did. It was a great time to hang out with friends and meet new people and learn about/interact with organizations that were helping further the cause.

6. What is the biggest misconception LGBT Boomers and Gen Xers have about LGBT Millennials?

I think the biggest disconnect is how aware Millennials appear to be in regard to LGBT history. We may not have lived in certain parts of LGBT history, but we are well aware of the events that have led to today.

20 under 20, gay news, Washington Blade

Azariah Kurlantzick (Washington Blade photo by Michael Key.

NAME: Azariah Kurlantzick

 

AGE: 17

 

RESIDENCE: Potomac, Md.

 

ID AS: queer/trans boy

 

CAME OUT: May 2011 as bi (in seventh grade); summer 2012 as transgender, just before ninth grade

1. What kind of reaction have you received being out at school?

When I first came out as bi, I was attending a Jewish day school so it was sometimes weird for me when taking part in class discussions on whether homosexuality is a sin, but reactions were generally fine. I was still at that school when I came out as transgender and I did encounter some people who refused to use my new name and pronouns, but with the help of Keshet, a Jewish LGBT organization, I was met with support.

2. How have your family, friends and community reacted?

My family and friends have been very accepting and although my Jewish community had a bad reaction initially, it has become more positive. Now that I’m attending public school for the first time in 11th grade, I hear a lot of homophobic slurs directed at me in class and in the halls, but whenever I talk to people, they seem accepting.

3. Have there been any benefits/downsides to being out?

A big benefit of being out is that I feel more comfortable now exploring my gender presentation. Before, I felt the need to present as very masculine so that people might read me as a girl. Now, though, I feel more comfortable doing things like dying my hair pink because I can assume that most people do not see me as a girl.

4. What’s been the hardest or best part of being out?

The best part is that I am now part of a wonderful community that I wouldn’t have access to were I still in the closet.

5. Did you go to Youth Pride last year?

It was a good event, but adults there kept referring to the trans people I was with as ladies.

6. What is the biggest misconception LGBT Boomers and Gen Xers have about LGBT Millennials?

That there are fewer of us than there actually are and that all of us are cisgender.

20 under 20, gay news, Washington Blade

Carly Carter (Washington Blade photo by Michael Key)

NAME: Carly Carter

 

AGE: 18

 

RESIDENCE: Herndon, Va.

 

ID AS: lesbian/queer

 

CAME OUT: March 26, 2014

1. What kind of reaction have you received being out at school?

Not a huge one. People were surprised but otherwise I didn’t get a lot of response. Occasionally, I hear a mean comment, but usually people are really supportive.

2. How have your family, friends and community reacted?

My friends are great! I could not have picked better friends. Most of us are queer actually, so that works out great. My mom and dad are still adjusting.  … they have overall been crazy supportive. Not a mean word has ever come out of their mouths.

3. Have there been any benefits/downsides to being out?

Getting to be more open and honest with people is a huge plus. Also meeting a bunch of queer friends whom I love being in touch with. I would never have met them had I not been out.

4. What’s been the hardest or best part of being out?

There are challenges with everything — being out is not an exception.

5. Did you go to Youth Pride last year?

No, I didn’t know about it.

6. What is the biggest misconception LGBT Boomers and Gen Xers have about LGBT Millennials?

That we have it easy or that the hardships they had to face are gone now.

20 under 20, gay news, Washington Blade

Autumn Smith (Washington Blade photo by Michael Key)

NAME: Autumn Smith

 

AGE: 18

 

RESIDENCE: D.C.

 

ID AS: male

 

CAME OUT: 2013

1. What kind of reaction have you received being out at school?

That I was “cool for being a gay guy” except when I wore women’s jewelry.

2. How have your family, friends and community reacted?

My family doesn’t talk about it. Friends are cool and it’s all good until I wear a dress.

3. Have there been any benefits/downsides to being out?

Oh yes!

4. What’s been the hardest or best part of being out?

Harassment, weird looks.

5. Did you go to Youth Pride last year?

Yes! It was amazing as always.

6. What is the biggest misconception LGBT Boomers and Gen Xers have about LGBT Millennials?

That our struggles can’t compare with theirs.

20 under 20, gay news, Washington Blade

LC (Washington Blade photo by Michael Key)

NAME: LC (Lauren Collins)

 

AGE: 16

 

RESIDENCE: Herndon, Va.

 

ID AS: bisexual

 

CAME OUT: eighth grade

1. What kind of reaction have you received being out at school?

Mixed — positive from close friends, but neutral to negative from the student body.

2. How have your family, friends and community reacted?

Mom has come around and is supportive now. Dad said a couple insensitive things but he’s always supported me. My church and community are pretty OK with it.

3. Have there been any benefits/downsides to being out?

Being able to interact with openly queer friends and being able to share my relationships publicly. Downsides are backlash at school and it’s harder to fly under the radar.

4. What’s been the hardest or best part of being out?

Feeling like a representative for all queer people.

5. Did you go to Youth Pride last year?

N/A

6. What is the biggest misconception LGBT Boomers and Gen Xers have about LGBT Millennials?

That we’re just “confused” or saying we’re queer or trans just because it’s “trendy.”

20 under 20, gay news, Washington Blade

Katie Barack (Washington Blade photo by Michael Key)

NAME: Katie Barack

 

AGE: 19

 

RESIDENCE: McLean, Va.

 

ID AS: queer

 

CAME OUT: April 2013

1. What kind of reaction have you received being out at school?

I’ve been accepted by the community as someone who could fall in love with someone of any gender. However, I go to a “same-sex” boarding school, so all of my gender questioning has been pretty private. I’ve had to give a lot of advice to underclassmen. I love the leadership role and being the only out student has made me find an incredible community.

2. How have your family, friends and community reacted?

My family is very supportive. While my friends at school are supportive, my friends from home in the Midwest can be very ignorant and tend to make me feel “other.”

3. Have there been any benefits/downsides to being out?

I feel excluded often and school dances are awkward. In my tux, I’m called “sharp” while all the other students in dresses are called “gorgeous.”

4. What’s been the hardest or best part of being out?

I’ve found a community I would never trade. I love finding other queer people. Questioning my gender is something I’ve only recently come out about. It sucks that my high school diploma probably won’t have the name I use on it. I wish I could use the right pronouns and name, but I’m at an all-girls school. I’ve had to work my ass off to get us to be aware of transgender students and the need for accommodating policies.

5. Did you go to Youth Pride last year?

No

6. What is the biggest misconception LGBT Boomers and Gen Xers have about LGBT Millennials?

Transgender people are viewed as outsiders of the community by the older generation. Cultural intersectionality is ignored.

20 under 20, gay news, Washington Blade

Lia Warner (Washington Blade photo by Michael Key)

NAME: Lia Warner

 

AGE: 16

 

RESIDENCE: Chesapeake, Va.

 

ID AS: lesbian

 

CAME OUT: 14

1. What kind of reaction have you received being out at school?

I was really lucky to be a member of a very accepting track and cross-country team, so in the locker room, I felt a lot safer than I anticipated. But I still heard homophobic slurs and comments elsewhere at school.

2. How have your family, friends and community reacted?

My parents have been overwhelmingly supportive as have my friends. Many members of the community as well, but that’s not to say it’s been 100 percent positive.

3. Have there been any benefits/downsides to being out?

A benefit would be, of course, the ability to be myself and be true to my identity with those I love. The downside, where I live is overwhelmingly homophobic and discriminatory.

4. What’s been the hardest or best part of being out?

The hardest — when people look at me in a different and negative light. The best — my ability to be myself publicly and help others in my GSA.

5. Did you go to Youth Pride last year?

No, I did not know about SMYAL or that event. I did go to Hampton Roads Pride, which was fabulous.

6. What is the biggest misconception LGBT Boomers and Gen Xers have about LGBT Millennials?

They believe this is a phase or that we’re somehow a mistake.

20 under 20, gay news, Washington Blade

Rico Jones (Washington Blade photo by Michael Key)

NAME: Rico Jones

 

AGE: 15

 

RESIDENCE: none given

 

ID AS: bisexual

 

CAME OUT: This year

1. What kind of reaction have you received being out at school?

Mixed — happiness from some who were proud of me, but also a lot of bullying most of the time. I’ve been called a lot of names and picked on by many others.

2. How have your family, friends and community reacted?

My friends were all by my side and have wished me happiness and the best of luck.

3. Have there been any benefits/downsides to being out?

Benefits: happy to have found myself in so many ways, love and freedom. Downsides: bullying.

4. What’s been the hardest or best part of being out?

Bullying and the feeling that people think because you’re gay, you think you deserve special rights or treatment.

5. Did you go to Youth Pride last year?

No, I wish I had.

6. What is the biggest misconception LGBT Boomers and Gen Xers have about LGBT Millennials?

Being myself and being free and showing other people that we can be the change.

20 under 20, gay news, Washington Blade

Sasha Jarvis (Washington Blade photo by Michael Key)

NAME: Sasha Jarvis

 

AGE: 18

 

RESIDENCE: Derwood, Md.

 

ID AS: bisexual

 

CAME OUT: ninth grade

1. What kind of reaction have you received being out at school?

Neutral

2. How have your family, friends and community reacted?

I’ve had a pretty positive reaction. The first person I came out to was my friend Kathryn and it felt so nice until she decided she had to tell her mom. So that was super uncomfortable because I wasn’t even out to my own parents. My favorite thing was when I casually dropped the word “girlfriend” without getting any kind of extreme response. That was affirming.

3. Have there been any benefits/downsides to being out?

I haven’t really felt any downsides personally but it is rewarding to not be sitting quietly and letting homophobes slide out of fear of judgment.

4. What’s been the hardest or best part of being out?

It’s annoying to hear hetero-normative language from people close to me. Like hearing my mom say my sisters and I should live alone or with a girlfriend (as in a female friend) before getting married. It hurts to not have my identity respected, even in small ways.

5. Did you go to Youth Pride last year?

Yes! I love being able to share my queer community life with my school friends.

6. What is the biggest misconception LGBT Boomers and Gen Xers have about LGBT Millennials?

I think the biggest misconception is that we’re all just following trends.

20 under 20, gay news, Washington Blade

Gavin Calvin (Washington Blade photo by Michael Key)

NAME: Gavin Calvin

 

AGE: 16

 

RESIDENCE: Clarksburg, Md.

 

ID AS: transgender

 

CAME OUT: 8th grade

1. What kind of reaction have you received being out at school?

Very supportive and loving.

2. How have your family, friends and community reacted?

They were not surprised and supported me fully.

3. Have there been any benefits/downsides to being out?

Strangers not understanding my choices and judging.

4. What’s been the hardest or best part of being out?

I’m more comfortable around my peers and am happier living as who I truly am.

5. Did you go to Youth Pride last year?

No

6. What is the biggest misconception LGBT Boomers and Gen Xers have about LGBT Millennials?

(My generation) seems to think LGBT Boomers are reckless and carefree. My experience with Gen. Xers is that they think how we are is a choice and is wrong.

20 under 20, gay news, Washington Blade

Erika Johnson (Washington Blade photo by Michael Key)

NAME: Erika Johnson

 

AGE: 18

 

RESIDENCE: Clinton, Md.

 

ID AS: lesbian

 

CAME OUT: 9th grade

1. What kind of reaction have you received being out at school?

I received a pretty positive reaction from my friends and teachers. A lot of my friends were shocked and surprised but very supportive.

2. How have your family, friends and community reacted?

My family on the other hand, doesn’t really understand. Most of them don’t know I’m out, but the few I trust fully support.

3. Have there been any benefits/downsides to being out?

The benefit of being out is that there are so many people I can relate to on a personal level. Being out has given me the spunk to go forth with my advocacy. The downside of being out is that not a lot of people fully understand my new points. Coming out in the ninth grade has been very stressful because I still feel like I’m hiding.

4. What’s been the hardest or best part of being out?

The hardest part about being out is that it is hard trying to express myself in front of people. I’m partially in the closet and partially not. The best part is that I can come to SMYAL and feel like the true me. SMYAL has made this process 100 percent easier. There are still some obstacles I have to get over, but I am a strong woman who can do anything.

5. Did you go to Youth Pride last year?

Yes! It was amazing. It was a pleasure meeting more SMYAL folks and getting to learn about queer youth experiences.

6. What is the biggest misconception LGBT Boomers and Gen Xers have about LGBT Millennials?

That we spend too much time “complaining” about what we need when we are really just speaking the truth.

20 under 20, gay news, Washington Blade

Selvi Ulusan (Washington Blade photo by Michael Key)

NAME: Selvi Ulusan

 

AGE: 16

 

RESIDENCE: Bethesda, Md.

 

ID AS: queer/bi

 

CAME OUT: June 20, 2013

1. What kind of reaction have you received being out at school?

Surprise mostly. I don’t think everyone knows quite yet actually. I don’t tell everyone I meet automatically but if anyone asks, I tell them the truth.

2. How have your family, friends and community reacted?

My friends were very supportive. My family kind of already saw it coming but my little sister was great. So nice!

3. Have there been any benefits/downsides to being out?

Benefits: I am who I am and people knowing doesn’t change that, but they just know a little bit more about me. Downsides: there was a lot of “are you sure?” or just “weirded out” reactions. Some people just didn’t believe me, but that’s not my problem.

4. What’s been the hardest or best part of being out?

Hardest: That I feel like I have to keep coming out every time I tell someone else. Best is letting people know a little more of who I am.

5. Did you go to Youth Pride last year?

I have been to the Capital Pride parade and festival the last two years, but not Youth Pride. The first year I went to Pride, it was amazing. I met a girl who made all of my unanswered questions about myself incredibly clear.

6. What is the biggest misconception LGBT Boomers and Gen Xers have about LGBT Millennials?

That it’s just a choice or just how you feel and that you can only be attracted to one gender.

20 under 20, Washington Blade

Temitayo Wolff (Washington Blade photo by Michael Key)

NAME: Temitayo Wolff

 

AGE: 18

 

RESIDENCE: D.C.

 

ID AS: queer girl (panromantic, grey-asexual)

 

CAME OUT: beginning of 11th grade/end of 2013

1. What kind of reaction have you received being out at school?

Within a specific community, I’ve received so much love and support. My friend group is super gay. I haven’t received much open hostility. Some people have a lot of questions.

2. How have your family, friends and community reacted?

My mom wishes I would stop saying words like “pansexual,” which she never heard. I think she accepts my identity even though it doesn’t make sense to her. My dad is also a little confused but he is supportive of my identity, activism and presentation. I have a much younger sister and I think coming out has made her more accepting and socially aware.

3. Have there been any benefits/downsides to being out?

I’ve been really lucky to experience more benefits than downsides when I came out. Coming out provided me with a community of really supportive queer friends online and in D.C. The main downside is tension with my mother.

4. What’s been the hardest or best part of being out?

The best — my queer-platonic partner and my girlfriend.

5. Did you go to Youth Pride last year?

I did attend and had a lot of fun. I appreciate Youth Pride as a space that doesn’t have alcohol and nearly as many people as Capital Pride. However a lot of my friends were consistently misgendered both by peers and by adults who were running the programs, which was disappointing that an event that is supposed to be safe for trans people makes assumptions about people’s gender and reinforces that non-existent binary.

6. What is the biggest misconception LGBT Boomers and Gen Xers have about LGBT Millennials?

I think older folks feel like we are undermining a lot of the work they did with our own activism. When we use social media as a platform for advocacy, they think we are being lazy or unproductive. When we reclaim “queer” as a self-identifier, they think we are disrespecting their struggle to eliminate the use of that word. When we advocate for lesser-known identities like asexuality, pansexuality and non-binary genders, they think we are just making up new words and new forms of oppression when they fought so hard just for basic recognition of the L, G, B and T. I think older LGBTQ folks need to recognize that queer young people of color exist.

NAME: Lance M. Coates III (Lacyy Coates)

 

AGE: 20

 

RESIDENCE: D.C.

 

ID AS: trans woman, early transition stage

 

CAME OUT: 16

1. What kind of reaction have you received being out at school?

I have received mixed reactions at various schools.

2. How have your family, friends and community reacted?

My family and friends have been supportive while the community as a whole has been very hostile to the point of gay bashing.

3. Have there been any benefits/downsides to being out?

I have become more inspired to live my life openly by the girls at Casa Ruby.

4. What’s been the hardest or best part of being out?

Being able to be myself is the best part.

5. Did you go to Youth Pride last year?

Yes, it was a very happy experience.

6. What is the biggest misconception LGBT Boomers and Gen Xers have about LGBT Millennials?

They don’t really interact with us or teach us the ways.

20 under 20, gay news, Washington Blade

Ebony Rempson (Photo courtesy of Ebony Rempson)

NAME: Ebony Rempson

 

AGE: 20

 

RESIDENCE: D.C.

 

ID AS: queer

 

CAME OUT: 2009

1. What kind of reaction have you received being out at school?

In high school, it varied from shock and disgust to understanding.

2. How have your family, friends and community reacted?

I had problems with my family at first, especially since I was outed by a family member but things got better. My friends have always been loving. Communities that I’ve found myself a part of have been great support systems and always served as places where I could seek validation.

3. Have there been any benefits/downsides to being out?

I wouldn’t have had a chance to grow the way I did and share my unique story with people had I not been out.

4. What’s been the hardest or best part of being out?

The hardest part about being out as queer has been knowing that there is a third strike against me in the heteronormative and patriarchal society, strikes one and two being black and a woman.

5. Did you go to Youth Pride last year?

Yes and it’s always positive. There’s nothing better than a sense of community.

6. What is the biggest misconception LGBT Boomers and Gen Xers have about LGBT Millennials?

That we’re lazy and self absorbed.

NAME: Shantel Jordan

 

AGE: 17

 

RESIDENCE: Arlington, Va.

 

ID AS: queer/trans

 

CAME OUT: 2013

1. What kind of reaction have you received being out at school?

My close friends were very supportive. Some other students didn’t understand and made some pretty harsh comments.

2. How have your family, friends and community reacted?

Family was mixed — they were upset at first, but are now mostly supportive.

3. Have there been any benefits/downsides to being out?

The big benefit is being able to be myself. It’s very refreshing not to have to hide.

4. What’s been the hardest or best part of being out?

Hearing from people that God doesn’t like gay people. That was hard.

5. Did you go to Youth Pride last year?

I did. I enjoyed it.

6. What is the biggest misconception LGBT Boomers and Gen Xers have about LGBT Millennials?

That we just want to play on our phones and aren’t really serious about anything.

NAME: James Rosenstein

 

AGE: 15

 

RESIDENCE: Arlington, Va.

 

ID AS: queer

 

CAME OUT: 2014

1. What kind of reaction have you received being out at school?

I had a number of people ask if I really thought I was gay or if it was a phase but most of my friends were great. They really accept me for me.

2. How have your family, friends and community reacted?

My family has been really great. They wanted to talk a lot when I first told them, but they have always been very supportive.

3. Have there been any benefits/downsides to being out?

I get some comments from other students from time to time, but I’d still rather be out.

4. What’s been the hardest or best part of being out?

Being able to be honest with my friends and parents.

5. Did you go to Youth Pride last year?

I did. I liked it but I couldn’t stay for the entire thing.

6. What is the biggest misconception LGBT Boomers and Gen Xers have about LGBT Millennials?

That young people don’t want to be active in church. I am very active in my church but I understand that many LGBTQ young people don’t want to be.

NAME: Chance

 

AGE: 18

 

RESIDENCE: Arlington, Va.

 

ID AS: gender queer

 

CAME OUT: 2013

1. What kind of reaction have you received being out at school?

Some people said I was the first queer person they had met. Some said they weren’t sure what queer was so I had to spend some time talking to people in my school. I don’t know if everyone was OK with the answer but most people seemed to be open-minded.

2. How have your family, friends and community reacted?

Most of my family is OK with it. I know I have some people who don’t like the fact that I’m not straight, but I’m OK with that.

3. Have there been any benefits/downsides to being out?

The only downside has been hearing from friends that other people don’t want to hang out with me. That really sucks, but I’m still glad I came out.

4. What’s been the hardest or best part of being out?

The best part has been my relationship with my girlfriend. I don’t think we would be together if I wasn’t out.

5. Did you go to Youth Pride last year?

I did not.

6. What is the biggest misconception LGBT Boomers and Gen Xers have about LGBT Millennials?

I would say that some older people don’t really understand LGBTQ young people. I’ve had older people ask why I want to be called queer.

NAME: Maya Parker

 

AGE: 20

 

RESIDENCE: D.C.

 

ID AS: bisexual

 

CAME OUT: freshman year of high school

1. What kind of reaction have you received being out at school?

I wasn’t accepted at first as I was one of the first in my high school to come out. I got made fun of mainly by the boys. I figured they were jealous. It somehow was an inspiration to the other girls in the school as they began to come out as well.

2. How have your family, friends and community reacted?

My family pretty much thought of it as a phase. I guess they have swept it under the rug. My friends didn’t like it too well. They started acting uncomfortable around me and not wanting to get dressed in front of me. People heard bisexual and figured I was looking at every woman that would walk past me. My community didn’t react much as I’m more on the feminine side. I’ve only really gotten reaction by my community if I was seen with a more dominant female.

3. Have there been any benefits/downsides to being out?

I actually get to be myself. It gives me a sort of confidence where I can walk outside with my head high without feeling like I have a dark secret.

4. What’s been the hardest or best part of being out?

People thinking you’re “playing both sides of the fence.” It’s hard to get a woman to understand that you’re serious about her when she knows you like men and with men, they can’t seem to get the thought of two women and themselves out of their heads.

5. Did you go to Youth Pride last year?

No

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a&e features

Ryan Murphy’s ‘Monster’ vilifies the lesbian

Netflix show promotes stereotype that queer women are dangerous

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Ella Beatty stars in ‘Lizzie Borden.’ (Photo courtesy of Netflix)

Ryan Murphy’s “Monster: The Lizzie Borden Story” just premiered on Netflix and became the most watched show on the platform. Murphy and his series are deeply controversial. The past three seasons have focused on convicted killers Jeffrey Dahmer, Lyle and Erik Menendez, and Ed Gein, and have garnered considerable criticism for sensationalizing real-life trauma, exploiting victims for entertainment, and glorifying the perpetrators.

But his newest season centers on Lizzie Borden, the white, affluent Massachusetts woman still referenced today in nursery rhymes who was never convicted of killing her parents Andrew and Abby Borden. As with Murphy’s other seasons, the show plays fast-and-loose with real-life history, instead turning a real-life crime into a psychosexual spectacle. 

In real life, Lizzie was found not guilty by an all-male jury in the highly publicized 1892 trial, largely due to a lack of evidence including blood on her clothing and a murder weapon. Her initial statement contradicted her later testimony but her defense team argued that the morphine a doctor repeatedly gave her likely caused her confusion. But despite the fact that Lizzie was acquitted in court, she was ostracized by her community during her life and has been branded a murderer ever since.

Murphy’s highly fictionalized retelling of Lizzie’s story leans into this accusation not only that Lizzie murdered her father and stepmother with an axe but that she was successful in covering it up with the help of the maid Bridget Sullivan. Murphy not only concocts a sapphic relationship between Lizzie and Bridget, pinning the idea of killing Lizzie’s parents on the widely traveled woman who dyes her hair and is repeatedly called a lesbophobic slur by Lizzie’s stepmother, but also portrays Lizzie as an inspiration to Aileen Carol Wuornos, a woman who killed seven men who solicited sex and was also in a relationship with a woman. 

Further, Murphy’s retelling creates a false ending to Lizzie’s story. While in real life, Lizzie and her sister Emma buy a house called “Maplecroft” and live there for the rest of their lives, Murphy instead imagines Bridget returning sporadically for romantic rendezvous with Lizzie and eventually moving back in with her and marching together for women’s right to vote. In real life, Bridget left town immediately after providing testimony and lived in Montana until she died. 

Lesbophobia is at the heart of this retelling of Borden’s story. Despite the fact that Murphy depicts Lizzie and Bridget having sex and possibly getting married or at least promising themselves to one another wearing flower crowns, there is no evidence that Lizzie and Bridget had any romantic or sexual relationship. If they did have a relationship, it would likely have been hidden and any evidence destroyed, but records show that Lizzie herself refused to call Bridget by her real name, instead referring to her as “Maggie,” the name of their previous maid. It was only Lizzie’s stepmother Abby who called Bridget her real name. In Murphy’s retelling, it’s Lizzie’s stepmother Abby who refuses to learn or use Bridget’s actual name and treats her with disdain along with her stepdaughter.

Some people online argue that we are witnessing Lizzie’s story retold through Wuornos’s perspective, so adding in elements of child abuse and sapphic relationships would make sense, but there is no record that Wuornos ever visited Lizzie Borden’s home, or that she was inspired by Borden throughout her life. Instead, Murphy and his co-creator Ian Brennan use (or I would say exploit) Wuornos as a thematic device to make broad stereotypes about female rage across generations. In doing so, they conflate two real-life examples of violence to sapphic individuals.

Depicting a lesbian relationship in this way is not progress, nor is it fruitful representation today. As sapphic shows are increasingly cut and cancelled, Murphy’s inclusion just reinforces the lesbophobic and sexist stereotype that lesbians and queer women are “dangerous” to straight women and abet or incite violence against men and a family unit. At a time when anti-LGBTQ+ legislation and real-world violence and murder of LGBTQ+ people, especially queer and trans people of color, is exploding, stories that frame murder of a family unit as germinating from a sapphic relationship feed into far right narratives.

They further the myth popularized by far right leaders (including those in the highest echelons of government) that LGBTQ+ people are dangerous, a threat to heterosexual norms and family life, despite the data showing that children of same-sex parents have above average health and well-being according to research by the University of Melbourne.

Today, many LGBTQ+ people feel they have to be (or are forced to be) idealized versions of themselves in order to stave off anti-LGBTQ+ stigma, policing and violence. These “acceptable” behaviors and appearances are rooted not only in cisgender, heterosexual norms but also white supremacy, colonialism, xenophobia, and ableism. It is respectability politics that tell us how we can and should behave (including those perpetuating in the wider LGBTQ+ community) and push LGBTQ+ people to assimilate into a society governed by queerphobic normativity. 

I hope it’s clear that I’m not trying to argue that we cannot and should not have shows that depict queer women who kill, or at the very least queer women who are unethical or morally complex. We need these depictions because they ask difficult questions and they reference how some LGBTQ+ people can be and are unethical. In fact, several public LGBTQ+ figures are associated with employee abuse and exploitation, ableism, and fat phobia. 

But when Lizzie’s sapphic identity is invented to drive the story along, arguably to generate interest (especially straight men’s interest) in this spectacle of historical slop, it’s not a story that invites discourse and dimensionality, it’s one that collapses Lizzie, Wuornos, and queer women’s identities and relationships to plot devices. It objectifies and fetishizes queer women, arguably committing violence against not only Lizzie but also Wuornos.

And when there is so little representation of sapphic relationships on mainstream television or streaming platforms, it makes this the vast majority of representation that queer girls and women will see of themselves first, and that the straight public will see. Historians will know that Murphy’s depiction of Lizzie’s life is wrong, but many viewers will not and may not go digging for the truth.

Why not focus on the stories of bisexual, lesbian, and queer women who really existed, shared their identities (sometimes covertly, sometimes not), and had long-term partners? In fact, “Boston marriages” were common in this time period and referred to women living together when sexual and romantic relationships between women were illegal, partially because penal systems didn’t know how women could have sex with one another and didn’t want to put the idea in “impressionable” women’s minds. Why not focus on these stories instead of creating a fictionalized account? We have always existed; we do not need to invent relationships.

Murphy’s depiction of Lizzie Borden is deeply problematic. Lesbophobia is not the only issue at the heart of Murphy’s drama, but it merits a broader discussion about how mainstream media routinely hurt queer women and is part of perpetuating queerphobic violence, and what we all lose in the process. 

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Writing a play about Lincoln leads down a rabbit hole to a closet

As LGBT History Month arrives, new hints that our greatest president was gay

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Questions about President Abe Lincoln’s sexual orientation have persisted and a new revelation about Lord Byron only adds to the speculation. (Public domain photo by Alexander Gardner)

Abraham Lincoln treasured poetry and it turns out his particular favorites were pretty queer, but I never would have detected that if I hadn’t decided to write a stage comedy about his sex life. In my research for the play, I stumbled across what I believe is new evidence that Lincoln and Joshua Speed were lovers. The remarkable thing is that the evidence has been sitting in plain sight for more than 150 years. 

The rabbit hole swallowed me in 2019, when C.A. Tripp’s revolutionary biography “The Intimate World of Abraham Lincoln” somehow fell into my hands. I was embarrassingly late to the Lincoln-was-gay party—Tripp’s book had come out 14 years earlier—and the wonderful-to-me news that Lincoln played for my team started me plotting out a play, because I was pretty sure if I didn’t know this, lots of people didn’t and inquiring minds want to know, and the young queers of America should be told that they have yet another genius over whom to kvell. 

Historians and myth makers alike—often it’s hard to tell the difference—have always painted Abe straight, and now that it’s in question they’ve gotten peevish and insistent because, c’mon, bro, everybody knows that in the 19th century all the guys were writing each other gushingly romantic letters and sharing a bed every night for four years. Meanwhile, the Queer Studies crowd assures us that they, the inventors of homosexuality, had not yet invented it, so it couldn’t be that. 

But what kind of play to write? I wanted to put at least two of his lovers into it, and no playwright with any sense of drama would omit Abe’s mad, physically abusive, spendthrift wife Mary. To get all of them in the same place at the same time meant bedroom farce. Keeping one’s lovers from knowing about each other is the keystone of bedroom farce and why the sets have so many doors. Speed, the great love of Lincoln’s life, who often visited the White House during the Civil War, would arrive while Lincoln’s wartime lover Army Captain David Derickson was there, too, and Abe would conceal them from each other and from Mary, who is suspicious and dangerous and prone to striking her husband. I also folded in Lincoln’s writing of the Emancipation Proclamation, which in the play is helped along by an invented Black housekeeper, who has suspiciously 20th-century opinions and a shiny new invention: the animatronic steampunk Lincoln robot. “The Loves of Lincoln” finally had its world premiere on June 19 of this year in Memphis, Tenn., where it was nominated for the best new original play of the 2025–26 season, and lost. Now we’re getting to the part about Lord Byron. Wait for it. It’s coming. We’re still setting the scene.

A cute, redheaded, gay Broadway producer told me the play would be stronger with a different kind of ending and for once a producer’s note was spot on—the play needed a final confrontation between Lincoln and Speed over love and slavery. The Speeds had dozens of slaves—lots more than Mary Todd Lincoln’s family, who had a few themselves. To write the scene I needed to know more than I did about the Speed-Lincoln relationship during the war. Speed was helping Lincoln keep the border state of Kentucky in line, but on the other hand his great wealth depended on slavery. 

Time for some research. Enter “Your Friend Forever, A. Lincoln: The Enduring Friendship of Abraham Lincoln and Joshua Speed” (2016, Columbia University Press) by Charles B. Strozier, a “psychobiographer” who does the usual somersaults to explain away Lincoln’s behavior as straight because writing gushingly romantic letters to other guys and sleeping in the same bed for four years was absolutely not gay in the 19th century, which is proved by the fact that all the guys were doing it. Which kind of made me want to build a time machine and stop off in 19th-century Illinois on my way to ancient Greece. And then, suddenly, sitting there quietly on page 45, like a dangling thread on a cardigan begging to be pulled, was the interesting datum that Joshua lent his gangly, athletic bedmate books, among them Joshua’s “favorite”: Lord Byron.

The same Lord Byron who cut a swath a kilometer wide across the comely young men of Greece? The notorious libertine and sodomite—that Lord Byron? Well, yes, and it’s not hard to draw a line straight from there to Lincoln’s closet (coincidentally, one of the doors in The Loves of Lincoln leads into a closet—“Why is my husband always in the closet?”), but for some reason, up to now, no one I know of has drawn that line.

Understand, just reading Byron does not make Josh and Abe homosexuals. Byron was a big seller and lots of straight men read him, though perhaps not while gazing dreamily into each other’s eyes (Joshua’s wide and blue, Abe’s a melancholy gray), and OK we don’t know that’s exactly how it went down, but we do know other interesting things thanks to William Herndon.

Bill was a clerk in Speed’s general store, the store Speed and Lincoln slept above, and later the junior partner in Lincoln’s Springfield law practice. Herndon worshipped Lincoln. After the assassination he interviewed pretty much every significant person in Lincoln’s life, in what Strozier called one of the first oral history projects in America. Naturally, he interviewed Speed, who reported Lincoln’s passion for the poetry of Byron. The sexual significance of the connection between Speed, Byron, and Lincoln has up to now been ignored by all biographers—even the queer ones, like Tripp, who tried and did make the case for Lincoln’s homosexuality.  Speed told Herndon he had introduced Lincoln to Byron: “I don’t think he had ever read much of Byron previous to my acquaintance with him.” Lord Byron’s poetry was a stew of intense male friendship, forbidden sexuality, secrecy, alienation, and erotic misbehavior, and in the wake of his scandalous divorce his name had for years been a transatlantic byword for transgressive sexuality. Byron also became, alongside Burns, Milton and Shakespeare, one of Lincoln’s four favorite writers.

Here’s where things get juicy. Speed said that, in particular, “Lincoln loved The Bride of Abydos.” Byron wrote the poem in the wake of his travels through the Ottoman Empire, which was partly what we today would call sex tourism. The poem’s beautiful young hero Selim is extremely feminized, conceals his true identity from his girlfriend (whom everyone thinks is his sister but they’re cousins), and only later reveals that he has a secret double life—in the case of the poem, as the leader of a band of pirates. Now there’s a secret life with an All-Male Cast. We’ll let you supply the pirate joke that goes right here.

It gets better. Herndon’s admittedly fragmentary notes from the Speed interview also specifically bring up Byron’s “To Inez,” the extraordinary lyric in “Childe Harold” in which a man tells a woman that her beauty gives him no pleasure, that her eyes scarcely charm him, and that she must not attempt to discover his “secret woe” or “unmask” his heart. The subtext that leaps off the page, given that Byron was, as the actor Michael Redgrave described himself to his son, “to say the least of it, bisexual,” is that the speaker is in the closet. In the last stanza, he begs her not to pry:

What is that worst? Nay, do not ask—

In pity from the search forbear:

Smile on—nor venture to unmask Man’s heart, 

and view the Hell that’s there.

So, queer-coded Byronic poetry formed an important part of Lincoln’s imaginative world, and Speed remembered that fact nearly 30 years later, and told it to Herndon almost as if leaving literary breadcrumbs for posterity. As far as I have been able to determine, no previous Lincoln biographer or scholar of Lincoln’s sexuality has examined the queer implications of the Byron poems Speed specifically remembered Lincoln reading. Why has this been missed?

All of this would be meaningless if Speed and Lincoln didn’t understand that Byron was a lover of men, but I assert that they would have. Lincoln was a discerning reader with a famously penetrating, tenacious mind that wouldn’t let go of a thing until he understood it thoroughly—and a huge fund of worldly knowledge. He was by this time in the Illinois Legislature, had campaigned all over the state, and lawyers often encounter the seamy side of life, whether they seek it out or not. Furthermore, although Byron’s indisputable affairs with men weren’t explicitly documented in 19th century biographies and periodicals as they are today (the conventions and laws of the time all but guaranteed euphemism), rumors of Byron’s “unnatural” conduct crossed the Atlantic even during his lifetime. Articles repeatedly referred to an unnamed, horrifying, or “unnatural” offense, a “peculiar enormity,” and conduct violating the “ban of nature.” In 19th century usage, “unnatural crime” was a familiar euphemism for sodomy, while phrases like “peculiar enormity” and “ban of nature” invited readers to imagine sexual offenses too scandalous to name. Why use the words at all if readers weren’t going to get the point? American readers had easy access to Byron biographies and memoirs, including Thomas Medwin’s “Conversations of Lord Byron” and Thomas Moore’s enormously influential “Letters and Journals of Lord Byron,” while American periodicals discussed the Byron memoir burned by his friends and the salacious suspicions around its contents. Lincoln and Speed would certainly have understood that one of the unmentionable sexual accusations surrounding Byron was man-on-man action.

Lincoln’s love of Byron’s queer-coded writings, fostered by Speed, “proves” little on its own, but a lot when added to the rest of the evidence. And it’s part of an even bigger story: reversing the erasure of queerness from history and documenting that many of humankind’s greatest achievements are thanks to queer individuals. Both Lincoln and Speed had beards, literal and metaphorical—they didn’t want their secret spilled while they were alive. But then again, I like to think that when Joshua Speed told William Herndon of Lincoln’s love for those poems, he imagined a day when their love could be decoded and celebrated. Come to think of it, that day is today.

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Acclaimed Chef Patrick O’Connell’s memoir reveals the arc of a life well lived

Overcoming obstacles to serve everyone from Jerry Falwell to Queen Elizabeth

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Three-Michelin-star Chef Patrick O’Connell’s new memoir is out now. (Photo courtesy of Patrick O'Connell)

Renowned three-Michelin-star Chef Patrick O’Connell says food and wine hold a unique ability to bring people together. Indeed, he has served everyone from right-wing zealot Jerry Falwell to Britain’s Queen Elizabeth during his decades at the beloved Inn at Little Washington in rural Virginia. 

O’Connell’s compelling new memoir, “Main, Middle & Gay” is out Sept. 15 from Celadon Books and offers a deeply personal account of how he transformed his love of food and affinity for the finer things into an iconic inn and restaurant that draws diners from around the world nearly 50 years after it opened in 1978. 

O’Connell is launching the book with an event on Sept. 18 at Lisner Auditorium featuring Chef José Andrés and former Washington Post food critic Tom Sietsema. He met Andrés just after Andrés began to work in D.C. and was “on fire with ideas.”

“We sat next to each other at Charlie Trotter’s restaurant and the meal went on for hours and we had a natural rapport,” O’Connell told the Blade in a recent interview. “The chemistry will be fun and lively and unpredictable and exciting. I think we’re all different personalities and we’ll compliment each other.”

O’Connell said he’s excited to hold the event at Lisner.

“I studied theater at Catholic University and transferred to GWU so it’s a coming home party and Lisner has been there since I was a kid and it was always like D.C.’s Carnegie Hall. It feels like going home to my old stomping grounds.” 

O’Connell hopes to bring the book to life visually at the event and he has produced a short film that will be screened.

The book traces the self-taught O’Connell’s remarkable journey from rural paperboy and short-order cook to proprietor of one of the world’s most celebrated restaurants and Relais & Châteaux hotels. Along the way we learn about the many challenges he faced — from distrustful and homophobic local residents in Washington, Va., to an expensive, public “divorce” from his longtime romantic and business partner, Reinhardt Lynch.

“It parallels the evolution of American cuisine over 50 years,” he said. “It’s a rare perspective to be in the trenches for that long.”

O’Connell writes candidly about his relationship with Lynch. The two opened the restaurant together — O’Connell running the kitchen and Lynch handling the business. But O’Connell’s accolades and growing notoriety led to jealousy that triggered a protracted falling out and dissolution of both their personal relationship and business partnership. Lynch, as recalled by O’Connell, attempted to secretly sell his 50 percent of the business but ultimately agreed to sell his stake back to O’Connell for a reported $17.5 million. “The Washington Post ran with it as a salacious celebrity divorce story and included all the financial details,” he writes.

After taking full control of the Inn just as the recession of 2008 hit, O’Connell writes of the scrutiny of guests who assumed Lynch’s absence would lead to a slip in quality. “The place couldn’t be just as good as ever. It would have to be better.”

What happened next proved a royal opportunity as Queen Elizabeth visited Virginia to commemorate the 400th anniversary of the founding of the state and O’Connell was asked to cater a reception. This chapter is filled with juicy details and behind-the-scenes anecdotes about the pressures of cooking for the Queen. The subsequent media attention proved lucrative for the Inn and photos of the Queen’s visit still hang in the Inn.

There are references to O’Connell’s sexual orientation throughout the book and he doesn’t shy from addressing his long relationship with Lynch or the resistance the couple encountered when they settled in sleepy Washington, Va. 

“I didn’t realize that I was walking into a prejudiced hornet’s nest that I wasn’t fully prepared for and there was a great deal of hostility in part because they didn’t understand anything about what we were attempting to do here so everything about us and our desire to run a fine restaurant was foreign to them,” O’Connell told the Blade. “The irony of a place opening in the center of town of 150 people and at that time the word ‘gay’ wasn’t used here. It was as if they didn’t have space in their consciousness for such a thing. We were regarded as counter culture people. 

“The restaurant became a success almost overnight and the locals couldn’t understand what the buzz was about,” O’Connell continued. “They thought food is food and why would anyone drive 60 miles out here for food. They became resentful of the ‘outsiders’ who came. Two outsiders were opening a restaurant and drawing other outsiders out here to a place where there weren’t many jobs. There was resentment on many levels by some — not all. They thought it would go away.”

But O’Connell said he never made his sexuality the focus of his work. Rather, he wanted to use food to bring people of all backgrounds together.

“I never made a point or attempted to make that a central focus on my work,” he said. “I felt that I had found my spot in the universe where I belonged, I loved living here, it was a sanctuary.”

O’Connell’s insistence that everyone is welcome has sometimes created tension and negative press, as when President Trump presented him with a National Humanities Medal that brought criticism from some progressives.

“We see a fascinating clientele here; we don’t judge and we’re not political,” he said. “When people come they are entitled to our hospitality.” 

One of those people was televangelist and notorious homophobe Jerry Falwell, who made a reservation at the Inn years ago. O’Connell’s instruction to the staff was to treat Falwell like any other guest.

“We have an image of someone who maybe we would think would be hostile or judgmental and they often surprise us,” O’Connell said. “We held our breath and here’s Falwell working the tables and saying this is the best meal I’ve ever had, aren’t these two guys great and we thought he’s doing PR for us and he’s supposed to be the devil.”

O’Connell said he sees that dynamic play out night after night at the Inn. One of the most conservative national Republican figures, he said, is a regular and Vice President JD Vance dined at the Inn recently. Focusing on the food and hospitality for all constitutes O’Connell’s brand of activism.

“Food does bring people together,” he said. “And you’re doing your part in erasing preconceived judgements.”

He said he and his team did more to advance understanding and acceptance by focusing on hospitality than if “we were out marching.” 

As evidence, he said, there are more and more gay couples moving to the area and the town’s mayor, Joe Whited, is gay.

“We’re the biggest employer in the county and largest taxpayer,” he added. “The Inn pays the town almost $1 million per year and property values are getting to be like Palm Beach. And that wasn’t a goal it was a byproduct of doing something as well as it could be done.”

But the book isn’t hagiography. O’Connell revisits traumatic events, like childhood bullies who attacked him for wearing a Little Red Riding Hood costume for Halloween and a sexual assault he endured as a young teenager aboard a bus.

“I don’t know why I couldn’t call out for help or try to make the man stop,” O’Connell writes of the incident. “I didn’t want to call attention to the situation and felt completely implicated. Once it began there was no stopping it.”

Interestingly, O’Connell told the Blade that one of the things he learned in writing the book is how little he’s changed since childhood.

“People tend to lock away a lot of childhood memories for good reason and in a book you’re reliving them and bringing them to life,” he said. “And my revelation is that I don’t think I’ve changed much since I was six and I think most people’s identity is pretty developed in their very early years and their personality is clear. What amused me most is I’m doing the same things now that I did in miniature as a five and six year old.”

As for popular TV shows about the restaurant business, O’Connell says he doesn’t watch them.

“It’s fake,” he said. “There are much more colorful characters and it’s much more exciting in real life. Nobody seems capable of capturing that. So maybe this [book] will have the effect of doing that and showing what it takes.” 

O’Connell said the books and stories he most enjoys reading are those that start in childhood and carry through until late in life. He has certainly delivered that in “Main, Middle & Gay,” a moving, fearless memoir filled with the unexpected and natural drama that revisits a uniquely American life.  

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