August 9, 2012 | by Meghann Novinskie and Kim Rosenberg
Why do people force relationships?

Some singles come to us wanting to find their life partner. Others come to us to “get outside the box” and date new people they would never meet on their own.

Most singles out there are looking for love, regardless of how they label it.  Mature adults are usually ready to settle down with the right person — and cheers to them, because everyone deserves someone significant in their life. For a few, there is the hard push to find “the one.” The reality is that this takes time and careful consideration. In coaching singles, we stress that it’s important to grow a relationship naturally and not force it to fit. Why are some so fast to label their growing relationship to an end all, be all partnership?

For some in the single population, fear is a factor. Some adults are fearful that they will never find the “right one,” so they jump quickly into what they see as a perfect monogamous, long-term relationship. For any of you who follow our column, you know that we are all for people finding their life love. But fear should not be your motivating factor. Don’t forget your non-negotiable issues when it comes to a relationship. Don’t force someone to fit the mold that you so desperately want to fill.

Think about the time you spend alone: Do you pace in your apartment alone? Do you want someone desperately to hold you after a bad day at the office? Do you envy, almost hate your friends who have found the love of their life?  Jealousy is one of the ugliest traits a single person could display. In your alone time, think about what you have to offer a potential partner, not judge those in relationships around you.  Insecurity seeps out of your pores if you are feeling lonely and jealous. Be secure in who you are.

Most people enjoy the security of being in a relationship — there’s nothing wrong with feeling this way.  But how much are you compromising to be in a relationship? Don’t disvalue what you have to offer and what you’ve learned from past relationships. Someone may make you feel secure and happy for the moment, but is this also the person that can make you feel happy and secure in the worst of scenarios?

Are all your friends partnered or married? Yep, we hear this often. If your friends are constantly setting you up or hosting dinner parties and inviting the one other single guy/gal they know, it might be a great scenario for you. The people you love most are looking out for you. But how often do friend set-ups work out? Think about your plan and the time you spend with other couples. You may envy their love, but what are you doing about your single status? Don’t envy too long, be proactive and think about other ways to meet people.  Grow your relationship organically and don’t force your new suitor into your circle too fast. Don’t let your friends or family members decide who the best fit is for you.

Listening to your biological clock? While many of us do, make sure to consider how your new relationship is progressing. There is a lot of pressure to settle as no one is getting younger; but remember not to push your partner into a parent role before you are truly ready and you’ve experienced enough of life’s ups and downs before kids become a serious topic of discussion.

If you’ve done your homework, that is, reflected and responded to past significant relationships, you are just steps away from meeting the right person for you. Though we love nothing more than hearing about a couple happily in love and taking next steps to marry/move in together/be exclusive, don’t short change yourself and stay with the wrong person. Your time will come.

For more information about Mixology or our work in relationship building and expertise, send us a note at info@mixologydc.com or call 888-739-2649. Happy dating.

3 Comments
  • I’ve noticed that contrary to the popular view of gay men as emotionally detached, many gay men are desperate to get into a relationship, suffer from obsessive-love syndrome, or both. I’m not sure why this is, but I do know that at least when I came out, the prevailing queer culture had a strongly held principle that being in a relationship — any relationship — was about the most worthwhile thing you could do.

  • Nice column. The advice is very positive and encouraging for those of us who are single.

  • Thanks to you both for your comments!

© Copyright Brown, Naff, Pitts Omnimedia, Inc. 2014. All rights reserved.
Directory powered by Business Directory Plugin