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‘Hurt Capital’ chronicles young life of bipolar, trans writer

New book from Isaac Amend a rich and complicated tale

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‘Hurt Capital’ is available now at Amazon and from other retailers.

Washington Blade contributor Isaac Amend has published a new book, “Hurt Capital,” chronicling a range of topics related to his transgender status, a personal struggle following a psychotic breakdown, and more.  

BLADE: Why did you write this book and why now?

ISAAC AMEND: In college, I was an avid writer for the Yale Daily News, and tried to prepare myself for a good writing career, taking classes with Pulitzer Prize-winner Michael Cunningham, and other notable authors, including Anne Fadiman and Cynthia Zarin. But when I got out of college, I spent six or seven years in the real world, outside of Ivy gates, racking up experiences to write about — whether it was falling in love with a woman, getting hit by a car in Cyprus, or being manic for 13 months straight. But once all of those things were done, I went back to my literary roots, frantically scribbling books and articles in my room at night. Now I want to have some sort of writing career, and I can partly thank the Blade for that, as you welcome most of my op-eds. 

I felt like it was important to write about bipolar disorder in very honest and raw terms. I experienced a psychotic break from reality when I was 19 years old that I felt ashamed to tell everyone in my life about, but now I want to come clean with it. Recovering from a psychotic break is a complicated process, and I’ll never really know if my mind has fully recovered, but I do know that because of my break from reality, I’m able to tackle difficult problems in life without getting scared. I feel like it’s also important for the general public to know about how much hurt and pain transgender people feel on a daily basis, hence the name “Hurt Capital.” 

BLADE: Who’s the audience for your book?

AMEND: It’s funny, this is a question that all authors need to answer in a book proposal to agents, and I did exactly that, querying dozens of agents. My book has three target audiences. The first are expats, or expatriates. These are people who live overseas — either on embassies in South Asia or in suburban compounds on the outskirts of Moscow. These are the places that I grew up in, and I felt “genderless” for some of my time as an expatriate, frolicking to and fro with not a worry in the world as I grew up in Pakistan and India. I want to connect with other people who have lived overseas. 

The second target audience for my book are twins. I have an identical twin named Helen who is my best friend. I’m constantly trying to be a good brother to her, whether it’s helping her move apartments or buying her groceries. We connect on a very deep level, and I’m sure that my gender transition partly shocked her and in some ways, may have made her feel upset. It’s a unique phenomenon when one identical twin wants to be a man, and the other one wants to stay a woman. I’ll never fully understand how God made me bipolar and trans while he made my twin sister non-bipolar and cisgender. 

The third target audience for my book are individuals with mental health issues. I want to connect with other people who have also gone through psychotic breaks, been manic, talked at the speed of light, felt depressed, or felt so anxious that they had to pop a lot of pills and stay in bed. I want to connect with people who suffer from schizophrenia, bipolar, ADHD, and OCD, among many other diseases. These disorders are so complicated in nature, but we need to be honest about their dimensions and how to best treat them. 

BLADE: How long did it take to write and what was your process? 

AMEND: The book didn’t take me long to write. I churned out around 5,000 to 7,000 words in one week, then I had a 500 word per day policy — it’s a policy I implement with all of my books. I would write 500 words per day usually at a bar at night. I was living in D.C. back then and would frequent Nanny O’Brien’s, a well-known Irish dive bar open late. I would pull out my iPhone and write 500 words (but usually more) in Google Docs. There were all sorts of characters at Nanny O’Brien’s — bartenders who would scream at me if I didn’t tip enough, people from the Russian embassy, and famous politicos who would bring their golden retriever in tow. I almost got into a fistfight there with a Russian diplomat, but still miss the memories that bar curated. I even told my landlord at the time that I associated Nanny O’Brien’s with the book. 

BLADE: What are you thoughts on how the new Trump administration has attacked trans rights and do you see any hope in the near future?

AMEND: It’s a travesty, what’s going on. The new administration is cruel beyond belief, yet I still retain some semblance of hope for the future. I see our nation as divided, but a nation that still elects an almost equal amount of Republicans to the presidency as it does Democrats. Most large cities in the U.S. are dominated by progressive people who understand the value in diversifying sexuality and gender identities, and celebrating that diversity. I always tell people to “vote with their feet,” as in, if you have the privilege of being able to move to a new location, move to a city that is full of liberal minded people. But many trans youth don’t have the privilege of moving; they are stuck in schools full of students that bully them for their gender. Indeed, there is a massive mental health crisis happening among trans youth. The Trump administration has banned everyone under the age of 19 from receiving gender affirming care, and that is cruel. I have spoken openly about my belief that adolescents and other youth should be able to access puberty blockers, and I maintain that stance. 

This seems out of left field, but I’ve seriously thought about pooling money together to pay for trans youth to receive medical care in Canada. It’s sort of a gauche idea, because trans youth presumably need to stay in school in the U.S., and their parents would have to agree to them going up north, but the idea still persists in my head. I guess I dream of ways that these kids can feel better, and receiving care in Canada comes to mind. 

BLADE: What’s your message to young trans kids who are frightened during these difficult times?

AMEND: Keep your head up. Older trans people like me are fighting for you to have better lives. If someone tries to put you down in school just remember that they are putting you down out of an insecurity they harbor about themself or the world. Secretly, they feel inferior. Don’t forget that the qualities that you bring to the table — your unique gender and/or sexual identity — is what makes you beautiful. 

BLADE: There are many queer memoirs out there; what’s unique about your story?

AMEND: My story is intersectional, meaning I weave a story about a transgender man who is also bipolar and is a twin and grew up overseas in Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, India, Russia, and Jordan. It’s not a one-dimensional story. It’s rich and complicated with tales of being manic and going on testosterone and being psychotic and hoping that I don’t lose all of my marbles in front of my twin and little sister and the rest of my family. I speak of KGB henchmen in Russia and spooks here in D.C. (kind of like that Russian diplomat who almost tried to punch me). I speak of many things—not just being queer.

The following is an excerpt from “Hurt Capital,” which is available now at Amazon and other retailers.

Dear Mom,

The pills in my bathroom cabinet are sitting next to each other like fifteen linebackers on a football field. Bolton. Edmunds. Greenlaw. Wagner. Warner. The Chiefs are winning, and I haven’t even spotted Travis Kelce yet. They’re all famous–each single pill bottle–each capsule I need to swallow with orange juice at night. I get the high pulp kind, now, from Trader Joe’s, that costs around four bucks. Semi pulp doesn’t put the tablets down fast enough. I’ve got every kind of med imaginable since my first episode ten years ago. 

Bipolar has never felt so bad. But it’s also never felt so good. The mania that lasted for a year last September has crept away, but its high still remains in my head. At least partly. Partially. Essentially. Basically, it was awesome. I celebrated at every turn. Went walking for hours on end, only to feel my breath creeping into my lungs, and out, past midnight, when I dreamt of fairytales and candy cane land and piles of dollars stacked so high in front of Rick Ross. So high that he forgot he sold coke. I forgot he sold coke. I forgot a lot of that year, Mom. 

Iwant to be like Rick Ross one day. I want to star in a song with Drake. Rapping about lemon pepper chicken and taking my celebrity son to French Montessori. I want to be a hustler, a gangster at every turn, a coke warlord just fiending for a kingdom. The kingdom I create is in my mind: it’s ruled by Dostoevsky and Tolstoy and even Pushkin. I named a cat after Pushkin. Russian writers have never felt so real. I want them to come back from the dead and resurrect themselves–all polished and everything. No wax. I remember visiting Tolstoy’s grave with you in Moscow, when henchmen roamed the city at night and CIA officers were prowling the embassy’s corridors. I was scared in Moscow. Scared back then. Scared of my female body. But now it’s a male one, and I’m a son. I’m your son, Mom. But I’m troubled. Very troubled indeed.  

I went to a soccer game again. We are named Footyholics. We played near Logan Circle, in the backyard of a school, and I swear the soccer ball was going to kill me. It hit my head, with a bang–not a whimper–and zoomed past some crust on my earlobes. My black stud almost shook for a bit. I clenched the ring you got me on my index finger. You got it from Delhi, and now I’m remembering things back there as well, when you and I lived in India. But there are many things I still can’t remember, Mom. Just trust me on that one. Trust me. 

Here’s one thing I do remember, though: getting in that car accident with you. In Delhi. You were all up in the front seat, and Helen and I were in the back. And a motorcyclist went clamp on the right window, and his flesh and blood were splayed all near for us to see. He died that day, and I think that’s the first time I ever saw you cry. I only saw you cry a second time, when Dad was in Kabul, and you missed him like hell, and Phoebe had a tantrum on the National Gallery steps, and you drove us back home, teary-eyed, and you just sat crying that day, in the DC suburbs. And there was not a damn thing I could do about it. 

We lost the soccer game. Footyholics lost. But we grabbed a few beers after, at a place near the traffic circle, where expats and missionaries and bankers were fiending for a beer as well, all alike, just as I was fielding for a kingdom in my head. I swear this city is ruled by sociopaths sometimes. They just crawl around here, like ants around a hill, waiting to wreak havoc. 

At the bar we were sitting outside, on a wooden table, and we all ordered some beers and some tacos and stuff. And some burritos with chicken. And I swear I shouldn’t drink, but I’m just like your husband–there’s nothing that tastes better than alcohol in this world, Mom. But beer is bad for me. It’s bad for a guy who thinks a soccer ball is going to kill him. At the restaurant, I spotted a street sweeper brushing away leaves. I suddenly fixated on the sweeper: on his crew cut, his black boots, his leather skin. I thought he was manic for leaves. I also thought the waitress hated Jesus until a cross kissed her neck. I thought many things, Mom, and none of them were true. 

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Books

‘The Director’ highlights film director who collaborated with Hitler

But new book omits gay characters, themes from Weimar era

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(Book cover image courtesy Amazon)

‘The Director’
By Daniel Kehlmann
Summit Books, 2025

Garbo to Goebbels, Daniel Kehlmann’s historical novel “The Director” is the story of Austrian film director G.W. Pabst (1885-1967) and his descent down a crooked staircase of ambition into collaboration with Adolph Hitler’s film industry and its Minister of Propaganda Joseph Goebbels. Kehlmann’s historical fiction is rooted in the world of Weimar German filmmaking and Nazi “Aryan” cinema, but it is a searing story for our challenging time as well.

Pabst was a legendary silent film director from the Weimar Republic’s Golden Era of filmmaking. He “discovered” Greta Garbo; directed silent screen star Louise Brooks; worked with Hitler’s favored director Leni Riefenstahl (“Triumph of the Will”); was a close friend of Fritz Lang (“Metropolis”); and lived in Hollywood among the refugee German film community, poolside with Billy Wilder (“Some Like it Hot”) and Fred Zinnemann (“High Noon”) — both of whose families perished in the Holocaust. 

Yet, Pabst left the safety of a life and career in Los Angeles and returned to Nazi Germany in pursuit of his former glory. He felt the studios were giving him terrible scripts and not permitting him to cast his films as he wished. Then he received a signal that he would be welcome in Nazi Germany. He was not Jewish.

Kehlmann, whose father at age 17 was sent to a concentration camp and survived, takes the reader inside each station of Pabst’s passage from Hollywood frustration to moral ruin, making the incremental compromises that collectively land him in the hellish Berlin office of Joseph Goebbels. In an unforgettably phantasmagoric scene, Goebbels triples the stakes with the aging filmmaker, “Consider what I can offer you….a concentration camp. At any time. No problem,” he says. “Or what else…anything you want. Any budget, any actor. Any film you want to make.” Startled, paralyzed and seduced by the horror of such an offer, Pabst accepts not with a signature but a salute: “Heil Hitler,” rises Pabst.  He’s in.

The novel develops the disgusting world of compromise and collaboration when Pabst is called in to co-direct a schlock feature with Hitler’s cinematic soulmate Riefenstahl. Riefenstahl, the “Directress” is making a film based on the Fuhrer’s favorite opera. She is beautiful, electric and beyond weird playing a Spanish dancer who mesmerizes the rustic Austrian locals with her exotic moves. The problem is scores of extras will be needed to surround and desire Fraulein Riefenstahl. Mysteriously, the “extras” arrive surprising Pabst who wonders where she had gotten so many young men when almost everyone was on the front fighting the war. The extras were trucked in from Salzburg, he is told, “Maxglan to be precise.” He pretends not to hear.  Maxglan was a forced labor camp for “racially inferior” Sinti and Roma gypsies, who will later be deported from Austria and exterminated. Pabst does not ask questions. All he wants is their faces, tight black and white shots of their manly, authentic, and hungry features. “You see everything you don’t have,” he exhorts the doomed prisoners to emote for his camera. Great art, he believes, is worth the temporal compromises and enticements that Kehlmann artfully dangles in the director’s face.  And it gets worse.

One collaborates in this world with cynicism born of helpless futility. In Hollywood, Pabst was desperate to develop his own pictures and lure the star who could bless his script, one of the thousands that come their way.  Such was Greta Garbo, “the most beautiful woman in the world” she was called after being filmed by Pabst in the 1920s. He shot her close-ups in slow motion to make her look even more gorgeous and ethereal. Garbo loved Pabst and owed him much, but Kehlmann writes, “Excessive beauty was hard to bear, it burned something in the people around it, it was like a curse.” 

Garbo imagined what it would be like to be “a God or archangel and constantly feel the prayers rising from the depths. There were so many, there was nothing to do but ignore them all.”  Fred Zinnemann, later to direct “High Noon”, explains to his poolside guest, “Life here (in Hollywood) is very good if you learn the game.  We escaped hell, we ought to be rejoicing all day long, but instead we feel sorry for ourselves because we have to make westerns even though we are allergic to horses.”

The texture of history in the novel is rich. So, it was disappointing and puzzling there was not an original gay character, a “degenerate” according to Nazi propaganda, portrayed in Pabst’s theater or filmmaking circles. From Hollywood to Berlin to Vienna, it would have been easy to bring a sexual minority to life on the set. Sexual minorities and gender ambiguity were widely presented in Weimar films. Indeed, in one of Pabst’s films “Pandora’s Box” starring Louise Brooks there was a lesbian subplot. In 1933, when thousands of books written by, and about homosexuals, were looted and thrown onto a Berlin bonfire, Goebbels proclaimed, “No to decadence and moral corruption!” The Pabst era has been de-gayed in “The Director.”

“He had to make films,” Kehlmann cuts to the chase with G.W. Pabst. “There was nothing else he wanted, nothing more important.” Pabst’s long road of compromise, collaboration and moral ruin was traveled in small steps. In a recent interview Kehlmann says the lesson is to “not compromise early when you still have the opportunity to say ‘no.’” Pabst, the director, believed his art would save him. This novel does that in a dark way.

(Charles Francis is President of the Mattachine Society of Washington, D.C., and author of “Archive Activism: Memoir of a ‘Uniquely Nasty’ Journey.”)

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Books

‘The Vampire Chronicles’ inspire LGBTQ people around the world

AMC’s ‘Interview with the Vampire’ has brought feelings back to live

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Sam Reid and Jacob Anderson star in AMC's 'Interview with the Vampire.' (Photo courtesy of FX)

Four kids pedaled furiously, their bicycles wobbling over cracked pavement and uneven curbs. Laughter and shouted arguments about which mystical creature could beat which echoed down the quiet street. They carried backpacks stuffed with well-worn paperbacks — comic books and fantasy novels — each child lost in a private world of monsters, magic, and secret codes. The air hummed with the kind of adventure that exists only at the edge of imagination, shaped by an imaginary world created in another part of the planet.

This is not a description of “Stranger Things,” nor of an American suburb in the 1980s. This is a small Russian village in the early 2000s — a place without paved roads, where most houses had no running water or central heating — where I spent every summer of my childhood. Those kids were my friends, and the world we were obsessed with was “The Vampire Chronicles” by Anne Rice.

We didn’t yet know that one of us would soon come out as openly bi, or that another — me — would become an LGBTQ activist. We were reading our first queer story in Anne Rice’s books. My first queer story. It felt wrong. And it felt extremely right. I haven’t accepted that I’m queer yet, but the easiness queerness was discussed in books helped.

Now, with AMC’s “Interview with the Vampire,” starring Jacob Anderson as Louis de Pointe du Lac — a visibly human, openly queer, aching vampire — and Sam Reid as Lestat de Lioncourt, something old has stirred back to life. Louis remains haunted by what he is and what he has done. Lestat, meanwhile, is neither hero nor villain. He desires without apology, and survives without shame.

I remember my bi friend — who was struggling with a difficult family — identifying with Lestat. Long before she came out, I already saw her queerness reflected there. “The Vampire Chronicles” allowed both of us to come out, at least to each other, with surprising ease despite the queerphobic environment.

While watching — and rewatching — the series over this winter holiday, I kept thinking about what this story has meant, and still means, for queer youth and queer people worldwide. Once again, this is not just about “the West.” I read comments from queer Ukrainian teenagers living under bombardment, finding joy in the show. I saw Russian fans furious at the absurdly censored translation by Amediateca, which rendered “boyfriend” as “friend” or even “pal,” turning the central relationship between two queer vampires into near-comic nonsense. Mentions of Putin were also erased from the modern adaptation — part of a broader Russian effort to eliminate queer visibility and political critique altogether.

And yet, fans persist to know the real story. Even those outside the LGBTQ community search for uncensored translations or watch with subtitles. A new generation of Eastern European queers is finding itself through this series.

It made me reflect on the role of mass culture — especially American mass culture — globally. I use Ukraine and Russia as examples because I’m from Ukraine, spent much of my childhood and adolescence in Russia, and speak both languages. But the impact is clearly broader. The evolution of mass culture changes the world, and in the context of queer history, “Interview with the Vampire” is one of the brightest examples — precisely because of its international reach and because it was never marketed as “gay literature,” but as gothic horror for a general audience.

With AMC now producing a third season, “The Vampire Lestat,” I’ve seen renewed speculation about Lestat’s queerness and debates about how explicitly the show portrays same-sex relationships. In the books, vampires cannot have sex in a “traditional” way, but that never stopped Anne Rice from depicting deeply homoromantic relationships, charged with unmistakable homoerotic tension. This is, after all, a story about two men who “adopt” a child and form a de facto queer family. And this is just the first book — in later novels we see a lot of openly queer couples and relationships.

The first novel, “Interview with the Vampire” was published in 1976, so the absence of explicit gay sex scenes is unsurprising. Later, Anne Rice — who identified as queer —  described herself as lacking a sense of gender, seeing herself as a gay man and viewing the world in a “bisexual way.” She openly confirmed that all her vampires are bisexual: a benefit of the Dark Gift, where gender becomes irrelevant. 

This is why her work resonates so powerfully with queer readers worldwide, and why so many recognize themselves in her vampires. For many young people I know from Eastern Europe, “Interview with the Vampire” was the first book in which they ever encountered a same-sex relationship.

But the true power of this universe lies in the fact that it was not created only for queer audiences. I know conservative Muslims with deeply traditional views who loved “The Vampire Chronicles” as teenagers. I know straight Western couples who did too. Even people who initially found same-sex relationships unsettling often became more tolerant after reading the books, watching the movie or the show. It is harder to hate someone who reminds you of a beloved character.

That is the strength of the story: it was never framed as explicitly queer or purely romantic, gothic and geeky audiences love it. “The Vampire Chronicles” are not a cure for queerphobia, but they are a powerful tool for making queerness more accessible. Popular culture offers a window into queer lives — and the broader that window, the more powerful it becomes.

Other examples include Will from “Stranger Things,” Ellie and Dina from “The Last of Us” (both the game and the series), or even the less mainstream but influential sci-fi show “Severance.” These stories allow audiences around the world to see queer people beyond stereotypes. That is the power of representation — not just for queer people themselves, but for society as a whole. It makes queer people look like real people, even when they are controversial blood-drinkers with fangs, or two girls surviving a fungal apocalypse.

Mass culture is a universal language, spoken worldwide. And that is precisely why censorship so often tries — and fails — to silence it.

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Books

Feminist fiction fans will love ‘Bog Queen’

A wonderful tale of druids, warriors, scheming kings, and a scientist

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(Book cover image courtesy of Bloomsbury)

‘Bog Queen’
By Anna North
c.2025, Bloomsbury
$28.99/288 pages

Consider: lost and found.

The first one is miserable – whatever you need or want is gone, maybe for good. The second one can be joyful, a celebration of great relief and a reminder to look in the same spot next time you need that which you first lost. Loss hurts. But as in the new novel, “Bog Queen” by Anna North, discovery isn’t always without pain.

He’d always stuck to the story.

In 1961, or so he claimed, Isabel Navarro argued with her husband, as they had many times. At one point, she stalked out. Done. Gone, but there was always doubt – and now it seemed he’d been lying for decades: when peat cutters discovered the body of a young woman near his home in northwest England, Navarro finally admitted that he’d killed Isabel and dumped her corpse into a bog.

Officials prepared to charge him.

But again, that doubt. The body, as forensic anthropologist Agnes Lundstrom discovered rather quickly, was not that of Isabel. This bog woman had nearly healed wounds and her head showed old skull fractures. Her skin glowed yellow from decaying moss that her body had steeped in. No, the corpse in the bog was not from a half-century ago.

She was roughly 2,000 years old.

But who was the woman from the bog? Knowing more about her would’ve been a nice distraction for Agnes; she’d left America to move to England, left her father and a man she might have loved once, with the hope that her life could be different. She disliked solitude but she felt awkward around people, including the environmental activists, politicians, and others surrounding the discovery of the Iron Age corpse.

Was the woman beloved? Agnes could tell that she’d obviously been well cared-for, and relatively healthy despite the injuries she’d sustained. If there were any artifacts left in the bog, Agnes would have the answers she wanted. If only Isabel’s family, the activists, and authorities could come together and grant her more time.

Fortunately, that’s what you get inside “Bog Queen”: time, spanning from the Iron Age and the story of a young, inexperienced druid who’s hoping to forge ties with a southern kingdom; to 2018, the year in which the modern portion of this book is set.

Yes, you get both.

Yes, you’ll devour them.

Taking parts of a true story, author Anna North spins a wonderful tale of druids, vengeful warriors, scheming kings, and a scientist who’s as much of a genius as she is a nerd. The tale of the two women swings back and forth between chapters and eras, mixed with female strength and twenty-first century concerns. Even better, these perfectly mixed parts are occasionally joined by a third entity that adds a delicious note of darkness, as if whatever happens can be erased in a moment.

Nah, don’t even think about resisting.

If you’re a fan of feminist fiction, science, or novels featuring kings, druids, and Celtic history, don’t wait. “Bog Queen” is your book. Look. You’ll be glad you found it.

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