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Queery: Denis Dison

20 questions for the Gay & Lesbian Victory Fund staffer

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Denis Dison came to D.C. on a dare. He’d spent most of his early years in Florida but after finishing college, a friend invited him here for the weekend.

“She said, ‘I think you really need to be here,'” he recalls. “‘This is where you should live and work.’ I came to visit, got a temp job that weekend, found a place and started packing as soon as I got home three days later.”

That was 20 years ago. Four years ago, the 42-year-old self-described political junkie joined the Gay & Lesbian Victory Fund where he’s vice president for external affairs. He’d worked in editorial and marketing jobs before but he’s been putting his writing skills to use blogging at Fund-sponsored gaypolitics.com and is also a spokesperson for the organization.

“It can be a bit jarring moving from the non-profit world, but I saw this as a unique opportunity to contribute to the greater equality of LGBT people and I’ve always felt if you have the opportunity to work for the community you’re part of, you should take it.” Things are “incredibly busy,” he says. This year’s batch of 147 Fund-backed hopefuls includes six (three incumbents) running for congressional seats.

Dison, who’s gay, has had a few relationships but is single. “I could see myself in a relationship, but I’m kind of set in my ways,” he says. “It would have to be a patient person.” He calls Dupont Circle, where he lives, “one of the world’s great neighborhoods.”

In his spare time he enjoys reading and watching political news and keeping up with the latest Apple gadgets. After this summer’s intense D.C. heat, he jokes that he might move back to Alaska where he was born or Iceland, where his late father was stationed during Dison’s toddler years.

How long have you been out and who was the hardest person to tell?
I think I finally told my mother when I was 24. Her response was, “Oh yeah, I thought so.” I think the fact I was considering becoming a Catholic priest probably tipped her off.

Who’s your gay hero?
Harvey Milk was a flawed human being but his life is a case study in change, persistence, hope and courage. As for living heroes, I’d say Houston Mayor Annise Parker for the same reasons. She’s kind of awesome.

What’s Washington’s best nightspot, past or present?
Tracks was a personal favorite. They had a disco ball the size of a Volkswagen. And a beach volleyball court. And an outdoor grill where you could buy a burger. Come to think of it, what was all that about?

Describe your dream gay wedding.
I actually don’t dream about gay weddings, though my friends Ryan and Curtis got married in Baltimore in an ancient church and I got to set my drink on Edgar Allan Poe’s grave. That was kind of inspiring.

What non-gay issue are you most passionate about?
Feminism. I think a lot of the world’s problems could be solved by empowering women and girls. Also, the death penalty is insane.

What historical outcome would you change?
The 2000 presidential election in Florida. I’m fairly bipartisan but just imagine what the world would be like today had that gone a different way.

What’s been the most memorable pop culture moment of your lifetime?
Seeing Michael Jackson in concert at the Gator Bowl in 1984 along with 45,000 other people. I was 16 and it was amazing.

On what do you insist?
300 thread count or higher.

What was your last Facebook post or Tweet?
“I’ve spent almost all of July in Las Vegas or D.C., so maybe in August I’ll take a long weekend on the face of the sun.”

If your life were a book, what would the title be?
“Denis Dison: The Authorized Hagiography”

If science discovered a way to change sexual orientation, what would you do?
You mean, I could become a better gay?

What do you believe in beyond the physical world?
I wonder, but I don’t yet believe. The physical world is mind-blowing enough.

What’s your advice for LGBT movement leaders?
Engage and organize straight allies, too. We’re outgunned and outspent, but if everyone who loves somebody who’s LGBT spoke out, we’d win every fight.

What would you walk across hot coals for?
The repeal of the filibuster rule in the Senate.

What gay stereotype annoys you most?
Weakness

What’s your favorite gay movie?
“The Birdcage”

What’s the most overrated social custom?
Saying “God bless you” after someone sneezes. I mean, it’s a sneeze, not an aneurism.

What trophy or prize do you most covet?
Winning elections.

What do you wish you’d known at 18?
The power of compounding interest.

Why Washington?
Because this is where my family of friends is and life would be no fun without them. And because I like to complain so, you know, there’s lots of material.

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Advice

I make more money than my partner and getting resentful

She’s taking advantage of a joint credit card

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(Photo by Nik_Sorokin/Bigstock)

Hi Michael,

I make a fair amount more money than my girlfriend does and I’m happy to contribute more to our life (we are both in our 20s and living together).

But Meg doesn’t seem to care how much money she spends and then asks me to front her when she’s running low. She seldom pays me back. 

Last week she had a big night on the town with her best friend (formerly her girlfriend) for the friend’s 30th birthday. She hired a limo and spent a lot on drinks and dinner. She put the entire night on our joint card which we are only supposed to use for shared household expenses, because she had maxed out her own card. Of course I will wind up paying for it. (And I am slightly jealous. Why am I paying for her evening out with her former GF?)

I pay for all sorts of stuff all the time because her credit card gets too big for her budget. 

And somehow I almost never end up getting her share of the rent, which is already prorated according to our incomes.

She always tells me she’ll pay me back but her tab pretty much just keeps getting bigger.

If I bring this up with her, she tells me I am cheap because I make a lot and we’re a couple; and if she made more, she’d have no problem sharing everything with me. 

Am I just being ungenerous? I don’t know. Sometimes I think she’s an ingrate, but then I think if you’re in love, you shouldn’t be thinking of money, just taking care of the person you love.

Also, although I make more than she does, I’m by no means rich. I have my own student loans, and paying for the bulk of our lifestyle stretches me thin some months.

Michael replies:

For starters: Most couples must contend with some version of your struggle with Meg, because most couples have some income disparity.

Do you maintain a lifestyle that both of you can afford? That works for some relationships where the lower earner may not want to feel indebted to the partner who makes more. Other couples work out a system where they pay for expenses in proportion to their income. And in some instances, the higher earner may have a “what’s mine is yours” philosophy and the lower earner is OK with that.

What matters is that both partners come to a mutual agreement and are comfortable with the arrangement. In other words, they collaborate.

That’s not the case with you and Meg. You sound resentful, angry, and feeling like Meg is taking advantage of you.  

It’s great to be generous in your relationship, but it’s also important to have a boundary when you think it’s important to have a boundary. Yet you’re continuing to subsidize Meg even when you have trouble making your own ends meet. 

Important question: Have you told Meg that you’re stretched thin some months? If not, I’d be curious as to how you’ve made that decision. If so, I’d be curious as to Meg’s response.

If you don’t want to keep serving as Meg’s piggy bank, what is stopping you?  

There’s a great saying in psychotherapy: If it’s hysterical, it’s historical. Meaning, our “big” actions and reactions have their roots in our history.

Think about your life history: How does it make sense that you are acting like a powerless victim?  

Is not having a boundary an old and familiar dynamic for you? Were there important players in your life—for example, your parents—who insisted it was their way or the highway?  Or perhaps you learned as a kid that if you ever said “no” to your friends, there’d be negative consequences?

Now ask yourself what might be keeping you stuck in a relationship of resentment. Are you re-creating an old and familiar dynamic? Sometimes we keep putting ourselves in the same miserable situation, over and over again. What’s familiar can be comfortable, even if it’s miserable; and we may be trying to get some understanding of the dynamic and some power over it, to finally get it right.  

I’m just speculating here, to encourage you to think for yourself why you are staying in the dynamic you describe. You haven’t mentioned anything positive about your relationship, or about Meg.

Another possibility: I wonder if you might be so fearful of being alone that you’re willing to tolerate all sorts of treatment in order to stay in your relationship. Or perhaps you don’t think you deserve to be treated any better than this.

Again, if this is the case, where might this belief be coming from? Understanding why we are stuck in behaviors that keep us miserable can help us to get unstuck.

You have an opportunity to do something different here: Set a boundary and take power over your life. Perhaps if you did so, Meg would surprise you by shifting her stance, which would be good news if you have some good reasons to stay. Or perhaps she would not. Your challenge now is to get some sense of what’s holding you back, if you want something different for yourself. And unless you act on your own behalf, you will stay in this position. 

One more point to consider, regarding Meg’s dinner date with her ex: Whether or not anything is going on, I take your jealousy as a sign that you don’t trust Meg. And without trust, you can’t have a decent relationship.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].

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Real Estate

April showers bring May flowers in life — and in real estate

Third time’s the charm for buyer plagued with problems

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As Dolly Parton says, ‘If you want the rainbow, you’ve got to put up with a little rain’ (Photo by Rangizzz/Bigstock)

Working in the real estate sector in D.C. can be as uniquely “D.C.” as the residents feel about their own city. On any given day, someone could be selling a home that their grandmother bought, passed on to the relatives, and the transfer of generational wealth continues.  In that same transaction, the beginning steps of building of generational wealth could be taking place.

Across town, an international buyer could be looking for a condo with very specific characteristics that remind them of the way things are “back home.” Maybe they want to live in a building with a pool because they grew up by the sea. Maybe they want a large kitchen so they can cook grandma’s recipes. Maybe they will be on MSNBC once a month and need to have a home office fit for those Zoom sessions where they will be live on air, or recording their podcast.  Perhaps they play the saxophone and want a building with thick walls so they can make a joyful noise without causing their neighbors to file a cease-and-desist order.  

What I found fascinating was getting to know my buyers. Why were they purchasing their property? What did they want to do with it? Was this their grandmother’s dream that they would have a place of their own someday? Did they finally think they would write that award-winning play in the home office?  What dreams were going to be fulfilled while taking part in this transaction?  

Somedays, the muck and paperwork slog of navigating home inspection items and financing checklists could get to be distracting at best, and almost downright disheartening at worst.  

One of my clients was under contract on THREE places before we finally closed on a home. One building was discovered to have financing issues, and the residents were not keeping up with their condo fees. Another building had an issue with the title to the unit, which meant the seller could not sell the home for at least another year until that legal snag was resolved. As the months rolled by, she was losing heart and feeling defeated. When we finally found the third home, everything seemed great – and then about two weeks before the settlement, the rains came down and the windows leaked into the bedrooms.  

Another delay. (Our THIRD). This time, for several more weeks.

I think she wanted to pack a suitcase, go to the airport, get on a plane somewhere and never come back. What ultimately happened? The building repaired the windows, the seller’s insurance replaced the hardwood floors, and she bought her first condo, which she still enjoys to this day.  

As Dolly Parton says, “If you want the rainbow, you’ve got to put up with a little rain.”  And finally, after months of looking, waiting, and overcoming obstacles, the rainbow peeked out from behind the clouds.  


Joseph Hudson is a referral agent with Metro Referrals.  He can be reached at 703-587-0597 or [email protected].

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Autos

Sporty sedans: BMW 530i xDrive, Mercedes AMG CLA 3

Tariffs are here and the result is financial chaos

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BMW 530i xDRIVE

It’s official: Tariffs are here, and the result is financial chaos. 

So, what to do when purchasing a new vehicle? If you need one in the not-so-distant future, buy sooner (like yesterday) rather than later. Expect prices to rise quickly, as inventory dwindles, demand soars, and automaker incentives evaporate. Of course, if a new ride isn’t a priority for at least a year or three, then hold off until the dust settles. 

But for those of you looking for new wheels now, I recently drove two sport sedans that were a pleasant reprieve from the usual plethora of pickups, minivans, and SUVs. 

BMW 530i xDRIVE

$63,000

MPG: 28 city/35 highway

0 to 60 mph: 5.5 seconds

Cargo space: 18.4 cu. ft. 

PROS: Rakish looks. Race-car vibe. Rock-star amenities. 

CONS: Rad-but-quirky infotainment system. Rich price.

IN A NUTSHELL: Classic good looks, from the iconic grille and swept-back headlights to chiseled side panels and a tasteful tush. For a gearhead like me, the BMW 530i xDrive — completely redesigned last year — is as rapturous as Michelangelo’s David. Everything here is in proportion, from the design to the drivetrain, which — along with a gutsy 255-hp turbo and all-wheel drive — helps deliver a divine experience behind the wheel. Even better, my test car came equipped with the heavenly M-Sport Package: 21-inch wheels, athletic suspension, and assorted styling upgrades. 

A tech-laden cabin is outfitted with a sparkly 12.3-inch digital instrument cluster and 14.9-inch touchscreen infotainment system. With the windshield head-up display and a slew of knobs and toggle switches in the center console and on the steering wheel, I wondered if this is how it feels to pilot the Space Shuttle. There is even a back-lit interaction bar with touch-sensitive controls to adjust vent direction and other climate control settings. 

All this gadgetry takes some getting used to, but the overall effect is dazzling. While a 12-speaker Harman Kardon stereo comes standard, I was jammin’ to the 16-speaker Bowers & Wilkins premium audio. Of course, such options add up quickly (on my test car, the extras totaled $13,000). 

Just how fun is this car? In my favorite episode of “Hacks,” sassy Jean Smart drives a rockin’ Rolls Royce Wraith. Trust me, this four-door BMW is every bit the badass as that $300,000 super coupe. 

MERCEDES AMG CLA 35

$58,000

MPG: 22 city/29 highway

0 to 60 mph: 4.8 seconds

Cargo space: 11.6 cu. ft. 

PROS: Slick styling. Spiffy cabin. Sublime seats.

CONS: Smallish trunk. So-so rear headroom and legroom.

IN A NUTSHELL: Need a smaller sedan that’s just as marvy as the midsize BMW i530? Look no further than the compact Mercedes CLA-Class, which is 14 inches shorter. That’s a benefit when jockeying for parking or navigating rush hour.

Another plus: This is Mercedes’s least expensive sedan, available in three trim levels. All come with the same potent turbo but in varying power levels. The base model starts at $46,000, but I tested the first of two high-performance versions: the AMG CLA 35, which costs $12,000 more. You can open your wallet even further to snag the $67,000 AMG CLA 45. 

But why bother? The AMG CLA 35 is plenty quick — faster than the BMW i530 — and boasts sport-tuned brakes, deft handling and a gritty-sounding exhaust system. The laundry list of standard features includes all-wheel drive, automated parking, gobs of the latest safety gizmos and even something called “safe-exit assist,” which prevents passengers from opening a door into traffic or speeding cyclists. 

The interior is pure Mercedes, with top-notch materials, customizable ambient lighting and Burmester surround-sound audio. The overall layout—sleek and modern, but with elegant stitching in the seats and on the door panels and dashboard—is comfortable and user-friendly. Digital displays and touchscreens are similar to what’s in the BMW i530, just smaller. 

Size matters, of course, which is why this vehicle’s shorter length can be a blessing but also a curse, especially when trying to squeeze passengers with longer legs into the backseats. And the dramatically sloped roofline, attractive from the outside, limits the amount of rear headroom and cargo space. Thank the automotive gods for panoramic sunroofs, which—at least for anyone in the front seats—makes this cabin feel surprisingly spacious.  

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