Living
Tough questioning for Gallagher at marriage hearing
Democratic lawmakers hammer anti-gay activist
Democratic lawmakers on Friday hammered anti-gay activist Maggie Gallagher during a congressional hearing with questions on why same-sex couples should be excluded from marriage and the extent to which the National Organization for Marriage participated in campaigns to rescind state marriage laws.
In testimony before the House Judiciary subcommittee on the Constitution, Gallagher, NOM’s chair and co-founder, said marriage should restricted to one man and one woman because such unions are the only kind that can produce children and because state voters by referenda have affirmed 31 times that marriage shouldn’t be extended to gay couples.
“Marriage is the union of husband and wife for a reason: these are the only unions that create new life and connect those children in love to their mother and father,” Gallagher said. “This is not necessarily the reason why individuals marry; this is the great reason, the public reason why government gets involved in the first place.”
The hearing, which was titled “Defending Marriage,” took place on the heels of President Obama’s announcement on Feb. 23 that the Defense of Marriage Act is unconstitutional and that his administration would no longer defend the anti-gay law against litigation in court. Following a 3-2 party-line vote in March by the Bipartisan Legal Advisory Council, U.S. House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) directed the House general counsel to take up defense of DOMA in place of the administration.
Gallagher said the need to raise children by married parents of opposite genders affirms the rationale for having in place DOMA, the 1996 law that prohibits recognition of same-sex marriage, and criticized the Justice Department for dropping defense of the law.
“This is the rationale for the national definition of marriage proposed by Congress in passing DOMA: ‘civil society has an interest in maintaining and protecting the institution of heterosexual marriage because it has a deep and abiding interest in encouraging responsible procreation and child-rearing,'” Gallagher said. “If we accept, as DOMA explicitly does, that this is a core public purpose of marriage, then treating same-sex unions as marriage makes little sense.”
Following her opening statement, Gallagher bore the brunt of tough questioning from Democratic lawmakers during the question-and-answer session of the hearing.
Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-N.Y.), ranking Democrat on the subcommittee, asked Gallagher if the children of Jen and Dawn BarbouRouske, a married same-sex couple from Iowa who were present during the hearing, should have parents who can receive the full protections of marriage or if she considers these children “expendable.”
“I think no children are expendable,” Gallagher replied. “Gay people have families that are not marital families, but they are families. I myself was an unwed mother, so I have firsthand experience with being in a family that’s not a marital family. I don’t think you need to have a message of stigmatization and exclusion to protect to an ideal.”
Nadler, sponsor of DOMA repeal legislation in the House, interrupted Gallagher, saying “the whole point” of DOMA is stigmatization and exclusion, and pressed Gallagher further on why the institution of marriage benefits when same-sex couples are excluded.
“Because including same-sex unions as marriages denies at a public level that marriage is about an important way for getting together mothers and fathers and children,” Gallagher said.
Nadler continued to question Gallagher on NOM’s involvement in 2010 Iowa campaign that successfully ousted three justices from the state Supreme Court who ruled in favor of same-sex marriage. The lawmaker asked Gallagher, who estimated that NOM contributed between $600,000 and $650,000 to the campaign, why she would criticize the Justice Department for allegedly making a political decision while her organization politicized the judicial process.
“The National Organization of Marriage is political advocacy organization, and so I think it’s appropriate for us to be politically involved in ways that Department of Justice is not,” Gallagher replied.
Rep. John Conyers (D-Mich.), a co-sponsor of the DOMA repeal bill, asked Gallagher whether reports were true that her organization contributed $1.9 million to the 2009 campaign in Maine to abrogate the states’s same-sex marriage law. Opponents of same-sex marriage succeeded in nullifying the marriage law in the state before gay couples could marry there.
“I don’t have those figures in front of me, but we were involved in the [effort],” Gallagher said. “But that’s probably on the order [of our contributions].”
NOM has repeatedly come under fire for failing to disclose their donors during the campaign against the Maine marriage law. State courts have ordered the organization to reveal their donors in accordance with the law, but NOM has yet to do so.
Following the hearing, Dan Fotou, eastern regional field director for GetEQUAL, praised Democratic lawmakers for hammering Gallagher with tough questions after her testimony.
“I think it was good to hear the Democrats standing up and challenging Maggie Gallagher’s position,” Fotou said. “Fifty-two percent of Americans think that marriage equality is OK, so I think today was good in terms of putting a face on hate once again, and Maggie does a really great job of that.”
Democratic lawmakers’ criticisms during the hearing weren’t limited to Gallagher. Conyers questioned Rep. Trent Franks (R-Ariz.), chair of the subcommittee, why no witnesses from the Justice Department were present to defend Obama’s decision to drop defense of DOMA.
“What bothers me about this hearing at this subcommittee is that the Department of Justice is not present,” Conyers said. “I was informed that they were not invited. … We have one of the leaders of the country, Ms. Gallagher, who’s raised hundreds of thousands of dollars against judges … but there’s nobody here from the Justice Department.”
In response, Franks said the Justice Department would be invited to come during an upcoming hearing in May before the House Oversight & Government Reform Committee on the DOMA decision. Upon further questioning, Franks maintained the panel was fair because its makeup included witnesses on both sides of the issue.
But Franks’ response apparently didn’t allay the concerns of Conyers, who said he hopes Congress can hear the Justice Department to respond to the criticisms of Gallagher.
“There’s a political tone in this hearing that I want to diminish as much as possible,” Conyers said. “The fact of the matter is this is not in regular order and I do not approve the way that we’re starting out this subcommittee [hearing].”
Despite the general tone in favor of DOMA during the hearing, several panel members known for having anti-gay views — including Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa), who’s railed against same-sex marriage in home state, and Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio), who’s leading the effort to eliminate gay nuptials in D.C. — didn’t make an appearance. Neither the office for King nor Jordan responded to the Washington Blade’s request to comment on why the lawmakers didn’t attend the hearing.
Ian Thompson, who’s gay and legislative representative for the American Civil Liberties Union, said the lack of presence by anti-gay lawmakers was telling that the they were uncomfortable with their positions.
“The thing that was particularly striking to me was the fact that so few DOMA supporters on the committee actually were in attendance,” Thompson said. “So, from my perspective, if the hearing was intended to demonstrate the support of the House of Representatives for DOMA, from the attendance alone, it was a complete and total flop.”
But a few anti-gay Republicans did make an appearance to rebuke the notion of extending marriage rights to gay couples and to criticize the Justice Department for dropping defense of DOMA.
Franks called Obama’s decision to discontinue defense of the anti-gay law an “edict” that “failed to show the caution and respect for Congress and the courts.”
“When the President unilaterally declares a duly enacted law unconstitutional, he cuts Congress and the American people out of the lawmaking process,” Franks said. “Such heavy-handed presidential action undermines the separation of powers and the principle that America is a constitutional republic predicated on the rule of law.”
Franks continued that the arguments in favor of DOMA are “reasonable and right” because marriage between one man and one woman is the best union for raising children.
“Traditional marriage has proven to be the most successful institution in humanity’s history for the propagation and preparation of the next generation,” Franks said. “The traditional family has proven to be the best department of welfare, the best department of education, the best department of crime prevention, and the best department of economic security that there has ever been.”
Rep. Lamar Smith (R-Texas), a lawmaker known for anti-gay views, also made an appearance at the hearing and railed against what he called the government altering the definition of marriage. Smith, chair of the full House Judiciary Committee, offered an opening statement during the hearing even though he’s not a member of the subcommittee.
“If we tamper with the definition of marriage, harmful unintended consequences could follow,” Smith said. “The ability of religious institutions to define marriage for themselves to promote their sincerely held beliefs could be threatened.”
Smith said the will the people is for continued definition of marriage between one man and one woman — noting the 31 successful ballot initiatives that restricted marriage to such unions — and said the U.S. Constitution doesn’t provide protections for same-sex couples seeking to marry.
“No one can seriously believe that the Constitution’s founders intended to create a right to same-sex marriage,” Smith said. “By refusing to defend the Defense of Marriage Act against legal challenges, the administration has allowed the courts to overrule that popular law.”
Franks and Smith’s opening statements were countered by initial remarks from Nadler, who called arguments that Justice Department acted inappropriately by dropping defense of DOMA a “red herring” and said the real question should be whether anyone — either the Obama administration or Congress — should defend the law.
“Far from demeaning, trivializing or destroying the institution of marriage, [gay] couples have embraced this time-honored tradition and the commitment and serious legal duties of marriage,” Nadler said. “Rather than defending DOMA in court, Congress should be working to repeal it.”
Two legal experts on the panel presented opposing views on whether the administration acted within bounds in its decision to discontinue defense of DOMA in court.
Edward Whelan, president of the Ethics & Public Policy Center, said the Justice Department’s decision is in violation of its policy.
“The Obama administration’s decision to abandon defense of DOMA — or more precisely, to abandon its charade of pretending to defend DOMA — departs sharply from the Department of Justice’s long-standing practice,” Whelan said.
Whelan said Obama dropped defense of the anti-gay law to appease a political constituency and to induce the courts to “invent the constitutional right to same-sex marriage.”
“With the exception of laws that intrude on the executive branch’s power, the long-standing practice of the Department of Justice is to vigorously defend the constitutionality of any law where a reasonable may be made,” Whelan said. “This ‘reasonable standard’ is a very low bar. It basically means that the Department of Justice will defend a federal law against constitutional challenge when it can offer non-frivolous grounds in support of the law.”
But Carlos Ball, a gay law professor from Rutgers Law School, testified that Obama acted within his authority because another statute exists saying that the attorney general must inform Congress if the administration decides to no longer defend a law.
“The existence of that statute seems to be a recognition by the Congress of the reality that the executive branch sometimes, in rare cases, can not defend the constitutionality of a law,” Ball said. “The executive branch, as a co-equal branch of government, has the authority and obligation to make independent assessment’s regarding a law’s constitutionality.”
Ball noted precedent for an administration declaring an existing law unconstitutional and dropping defense of the statute in court — the 1990 case of Metro Broadcasting v. FCC. Then-acting U.S. Solicitor General John Roberts, now Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, argued that a law providing for minority preferences in broadcast licensing was unconstitutional. Despite the position of the Bush administration, the Supreme Court later upheld the law.
One of the biggest headaches of the new home process is the actual moving part. By the time someone is buying a home, most people are beyond the “I just need a pickup truck, a pizza and a case of beer for my friends.”
If that is still someone’s preferred way to move, that’s great. However, many people find they need a much more robust plan. It can also trigger a lot of feelings about items one owns, what to do with them, do they have too much, should I keep this memento that I never use? Etc.
Moving is a chance for a person to “clean house” literally, figuratively, spiritually and energetically. A person can figure out which items they want to keep, and which need to go. As someone who recently moved across the country, I can speak to this experience. It’s also time for what people call “the fresh start effect.” This phenomenon, according to psychologists, can happen in little moments (like the start of a new work week) and bigger moments (such as moving from one home to the next).
The fresh start effect offers these benefits often mentioned by psychologists:
- Mental Accounting: Dates act as chapter breaks, letting you put past failures into a previous period.
- Psychological Distance: You separate your flawed past self from your aspirational future self (“That was the old me”).
- Optimism Boost: New beginnings clear mental clutter and increase your sense of agency and control
Does this mean that “the new you” will be the perfect version you envisioned? Probably not. We are humans. But it might mean you get a chance to “leave some of the old you behind” within the walls you used to live in, and now have a chance to have a new layout, a new décor, a new color pattern, new wallpaper, donate old furniture and books or magazines, throw out clothes you no longer use or fit in, and enjoy the opportunity to literally use the, “Does this spark joy?” method that was made so popular by Marie Kondo in her Netflix series.
So, for all its hassle and headache, moving is a chance to shake off the “old you” and try on the new you, to incorporate the items you would like to keep and use more of, and shed the items, habits, and ways of thinking that you feel no longer serve you.
I can speak to the experiences that several of my clients had when they moved from a previous residence to a newer one. It usually coincided with a change in relationship status, a change in employment, a change in family size, but sometimes it just seemed to correlate to a new attitude and perspective that the client was really hoping for.
I have literally had clients come to me after the fact, in tears, that they were so happy they made the decision to move out of a situation that no longer served them, and move into one that felt like a much better fit.
Change can be annoying and overwhelming at times, but usually most people come out the other side, not wanting to return to the way they were before.
Joseph Hudson is a referral agent with RLAH. Reach him at 703-587-0597 or [email protected].
Despite a U.S. political climate that has made electric vehicles about as welcome as a vegan at a Texas barbecue, automakers haven’t gotten the memo. The 2027 BMW iX3 and Rivian R2—in showrooms soon—prove the point. But think of them as distant cousins: one arrives impeccably dressed; the other probably has a kayak strapped to the roof.
BMW iX3
$62,000
Range: Up to 434 miles
0 to 60 mph: 4.7 seconds
Cargo space: 30.4 cu. ft.
PROS: Huge driving range. Distinctive styling. Cutting-edge interior.
CONS: Quirky digital controls. Only one U.S. trim level. Pricey options.
WHAT’S NEW: This is BMW’s first production model on its state-of-the-art Neue Klasse platform, radically changing the technology, cabin and electric drivetrain.
The iX3 arrives on our shores in one trim level, the iX3 50 xDrive. Load it up with options and you can sail well past $80,000.
Depending on configuration, this luxe EV delivers an astonishing range before recharging. And a dual-motor, all-wheel-drive system produces 463 horsepower, which allows you to tootle around as fast as a Porsche 718 sportster.
The new “Panoramic iDrive” spreads information across the base of the windshield, supplemented by a central display and steering-wheel controls. An available 3D head-up display adds even more info. It’s futuristic, busy and unmistakably BMW—like someone decided the dashboard needed its own coming-out party.
Then there’s the “Heart of Joy” computer, which coordinates the motors, braking and steering for sharper responses and smoother control. The name may sound like something from a self-help retreat, but the innovation makes the iX3 seriously entertaining to drive.
You also can charge the iX3 from 10 percent to 80 percent in just 21 minutes. Nice.
This isn’t merely an electric X3 with the gasoline bits removed. It’s a tech reset for BMW. Compared with the R2, the iX3 is more polished, more luxurious…but, alas, considerably pricier.
RIVIAN R2

$45,000
Range: Up to 345 miles
0 to 60 mph: 5.9 seconds
Cargo space: 28.7 cu. ft.
PROS: Affordable luxury. Rugged looks. Clever storage.
CONS: No smartphone integration. No glass-roof shade. Touchy touchscreen.
WHAT’S NEW: Everything—the R2 is Rivian’s all-new, smaller electric SUV, and it brings the brand’s adventure-first attitude to a price point far below the larger R1S.
If the BMW iX3 is wearing a beautifully tailored jacket, the Rivian R2 has its sleeves rolled up.
With edgy styling, this is no anonymous crossover wearing an EV costume. Chunky details. Upright proportions. Distinctive lighting all give off an outdoorsy vibe without turning the R2 into a rolling REI catalog.
There are four configurations, with pricing from $45,000 to $58,000. That’s a big difference from the BMW—and potentially the R2’s biggest weapon.
The stats aren’t shabby, either. Driving range is from 275 to 345 miles. The dual-motor, all-wheel-drive setup produces between 350 horsepower and a frankly bonkers 656 horsepower. And the high-performance model lets you zip from 0-to-60 mph in just 3.6 seconds.
Drag-racing credentials? Absolutely!
Inside, there is lots of clever packaging, with flexible seating and generous storage. This EV is designed to carry actual stuff, not merely impress your neighbors.
Yes, there are quirks. Rivian skips Apple CarPlay and Android Auto, while everyday controls—some of which are less than intuitive—live on the touchscreen. And the panoramic glass roof lacks a conventional shade. Huh?
For some owners, those will be minor annoyances. For others, they’ll become daily reminders that Rivian marches to its own beat.
Perhaps that’s not a bad thing, though. The R2 feels less buttoned-up, more mischievous. It’s the automotive equivalent of Billy Porter ignoring the dress code and somehow looking better than everyone who followed it.
Advice
We’re getting married but our parents object
Will their disapproval and shortcomings derail our hopes for a happy life?
Dear Michael,
My girlfriend and I are getting married! We’re really excited, but we’ve got some big concerns as well.
All of our parents have had multiple marriages. I think 10 between the four of them. So we don’t have much in the way of role models for a successful marriage.
Also, we don’t have any parental support. Except for one of my ex-stepmothers whom I’m close to, none of our parents are happy that their daughter is getting married to another woman. That’s an understatement. Religious objections, moral objections, being angry that we’re “embarrassing them,” these are some of the things we’ve been told.
We do have some supportive siblings and step-siblings, which is great, although they’re getting pushback from parents about attending our wedding.
Given all this, what suggestions do you have for how we can make a go of our marriage? The divorce rate is over 50 percent for everyone. With all this baggage, we’re worried that we have even less of a chance. Thank you.
Michael replies:
First, congratulations!
Regarding your lack of family support: I’m sorry that you both have to deal with so much criticism, disdain, and judgment. Please don’t let your parents’ negativity influence your own views of yourselves and your relationship. Focus instead on the love and caring you will get from friends, community and the family who are present on your big day (I hope your siblings are brave enough to make it!). Being the recipients of that support is one of the sweetest parts of getting married.
Don’t worry about the high divorce rate. While some couples really shouldn’t stay married, lots of people get divorced because they don’t know what is required to have a good marriage, or don’t put in the effort to do so. That does not have to be your fate.
Similarly, your parents’ terrible track record doesn’t mean you have to repeat their marital histories. The skills to have a strong marriage are learnable.
To that end, here are the best tips I can offer the two of you:
- If you want a loving marriage, be a loving partner. Don’t snipe, sulk, or do the silent treatment when you’re mad. Unconditional love is largely a myth. Even our dogs won’t love us if we are mean to them.
- Don’t spend much time or effort focusing on what your spouse is doing wrong or how she is letting you down. Doing so leads to resentment and feeling like you’re a powerless victim. Instead, ask yourself what your own contribution is to the problem, and what you can do to make things better. You don’t have much power over your partner, but you have a lot of power over yourself.
You can certainly ask your spouse for what you’d like from her, but don’t expect to always get it. And don’t base your own wellbeing or good behavior on what your partner does or doesn’t do.
- Because any two people are always different in some important ways, there is no way that you both can always want the same things, or think the same way, or have the same priorities. Accept this! There has to be room for each of you to be an individual, not only part of a couple.
- Be generous as often as you can be, and have a boundary when it’s important for you to have one.
- When your spouse states that she has a boundary, respect it. Do not push her to back off from something that is important to her.
- Don’t keep score, including how much more you do or how often you don’t get your way. Instead, work together to have a collaborative marriage where you work together to make decisions and get things done.
- Strive not to weigh the relationship down with neediness. Once we’re grownups, it’s mainly our own job to soothe ourselves. You don’t want to burn out your partner’s empathy.
Of course you can ask for a hug, love, reassurance, support, advice, and a shoulder to cry on when you’re down. Just aim be the first person you turn to when you’re upset, and do your best to keep your own mood steady.
- Do not wait for your significant other to go first. Not on planning a date, not on apologizing, not on loading the dishwasher or cleaning the bathroom. If you wait for her to make the first move, you will have a resentful relationship where nothing good ever happens.
Keeping these principles part of your operating system, even — and especially — at those moments when your spouse isn’t doing her best, will go a long way toward helping you build and maintain a loving and happy marriage.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C., Maryland, Virginia, New York, and all PSYPACT states. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].
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