Living
Queery: Kellan Baker
20 questions for the LGBT health advocate

Kellan Baker, 28, is one of those how-does-he-find-the-time overachievers whose accomplishments are staggering. He’s been in Washington since 2008 working full-time as a senior policy associate for the National Coalition for LGBT Health while simultaneously working on a master’s in global public health policy and international development at George Washington University.
The Thousand Oaks, Calif., native, who identifies as queer, started aiming high in college where he double majored in astrophysics and Russian literature. He’d read a translation of famous Russian novel “The Master and the Margarita” and felt he wasn’t getting a full appreciation for the nuances, so he learned Russian and eventually spent three-and-a-half years in Moscow working as a translator of scientific papers and later as a reporter.
“I just love Russian language and culture,” he says. “It’s very different. It’s like anytime you’re living somewhere and living and understanding the language and not having this filtered version and not having someone else decide what’s interesting, what’s funny, what’s word play.”
Baker, who’s also fluent in German and French, says he was about 14 when he began to realize he was different. It eventually led him into LGBT activism, a passion that grew more intense during his years abroad. “A lot of issues in the states are completely messed up and completely unfair, but by the same token, seeing what goes on in other countries … it’s exposed me to things that I was able to take for granted in the states.”
There were some practical considerations as well. “At some point I realized nobody wanted to read my devastatingly original thoughts on Dostoyevsky, shockingly, so I got into public health,” he says self-deprecatingly.
Baker lives in Brightwood and is on the board of the D.C. Center. He formerly co-chaired D.C. for Marriage. He’s in a relationship and is happy in Washington where he says he’ll likely stay after graduation, at least for a while though he’d like to eventually live and work abroad again.
How long have you been out and who was the hardest person to tell?
I have always known that I was different from most of the other little kids in elementary school and from what people expected me to be. The process of understanding what it means to me to be queer and how I express that has been a lifelong process that isn’t finished yet, though I’m 28 now. The people with whom I’ve had the hardest conversations are my mom and dad – we’ve gone through a lot together and are now closer than ever.
Who’s your gay hero?
Bayard Rustin, one of the leaders of the civil rights movement who was also a gay man. His activism for civil rights, justice and peace was informed by his sexuality but not defined by it, and for me, that’s the ideal. Sexual orientation, gender identity, skin color, or whatever might be the issue that drives our passion and gets us out of bed in the morning, should never be the be all, end all of who we are either as people or as activists.
What’s Washington’s best nightspot, past or present?
For getting my dance on, I can never beat a good night at Town. I don’t get out often enough, though, so I’m sure there are lots of great places that I’m missing.
What’s your dream gay wedding?
My dream wedding – gay or not – is in a beautiful, natural setting surrounded by family and friends. A hillside winery in Santa Ynez Valley in Southern California comes to mind, or a spring wedding in D.C. (before the weather gets hot).
What non-gay issue are you most passionate about?
I worked for Special Olympics for a long time both in the U.S. and abroad and have always loved the sense of pulling together and camaraderie that Special Olympics teams have. Everyone’s in it to win it, but also just to have a great time.
What historical outcome would you change?
I would learn how to stop worrying and love the bomb. No, really, it’s hard to pick just one. How about the creation of HMOs by Richard Nixon? I just got a doctor’s bill the other day in which insurance had denied the doctor $400, paid $100, and left me with the balance of almost $200. Isn’t that what we supposedly pay insurance premiums to avoid?
What’s been the most memorable pop culture moment of your lifetime?
The release of the complete seasons of “Sex and the City” on DVD.
On what do you insist?
My privacy.
What was your last Facebook post or Tweet?
LET THE COUNTDOWN BEGIN: The official match schedule for 2010 FIFA World Cup in South Africa.
If your life were a book, what would the title be?
“A Survival Guide to Life with High Femmes: How to Balance Your Mother, Your Girlfriend and Your Cat.”
If science discovered a way to change sexual orientation, what would you do?
Start a recruitment drive for Team Queer – since they think they can change us, why not return the favor?
What do you believe in beyond the physical world?
I’m a cradle Episcopalian, though I’m still not sure what implications that has for my “religious” beliefs about any higher powers. I love the liturgy and history of the Episcopal Church, as well as its insistence on reason alongside scripture and tradition.
What’s your advice for LGBT movement leaders?
Think outside the gay box – work with other movements to focus on issues that impact more than just LGBT people and to show that we really are an integral part of the fabric of all kinds of families and communities.
What would you walk across hot coals for?
Cat food that meets my cat’s demanding requirements, particularly when I’ve been out of town and she’s giving me the cold shoulder.
What gay stereotype annoys you most?
That gay is an acceptable convenient shorthand for the entire LGBT community and that all LGBT people are white and well off.
What’s your favorite gay movie?
“Some Like It Hot”
What’s the most overrated social custom?
That having e-mail and a mobile phone means you should be instantly accessible at all times.
What trophy or prize do you most covet?
A MacArthur Fellowship
What do you wish you’d known at 18?
That I’m not as important as I thought I was.
Why Washington?
I came to D.C. for graduate school after spending four years abroad in Russia and Austria and absolutely love it. I especially love the sense of almost small-town community that can happen in a city only 10 miles square, the varied and distinct neighborhoods, and the trails in Rock Creek Park. D.C. to me is the perfect mix of an intimate, livable city and a hotbed of fascinating domestic and international work.
Advice
I make more money than my partner and getting resentful
She’s taking advantage of a joint credit card

Hi Michael,
I make a fair amount more money than my girlfriend does and I’m happy to contribute more to our life (we are both in our 20s and living together).
But Meg doesn’t seem to care how much money she spends and then asks me to front her when she’s running low. She seldom pays me back.
Last week she had a big night on the town with her best friend (formerly her girlfriend) for the friend’s 30th birthday. She hired a limo and spent a lot on drinks and dinner. She put the entire night on our joint card which we are only supposed to use for shared household expenses, because she had maxed out her own card. Of course I will wind up paying for it. (And I am slightly jealous. Why am I paying for her evening out with her former GF?)
I pay for all sorts of stuff all the time because her credit card gets too big for her budget.
And somehow I almost never end up getting her share of the rent, which is already prorated according to our incomes.
She always tells me she’ll pay me back but her tab pretty much just keeps getting bigger.
If I bring this up with her, she tells me I am cheap because I make a lot and we’re a couple; and if she made more, she’d have no problem sharing everything with me.
Am I just being ungenerous? I don’t know. Sometimes I think she’s an ingrate, but then I think if you’re in love, you shouldn’t be thinking of money, just taking care of the person you love.
Also, although I make more than she does, I’m by no means rich. I have my own student loans, and paying for the bulk of our lifestyle stretches me thin some months.
Michael replies:
For starters: Most couples must contend with some version of your struggle with Meg, because most couples have some income disparity.
Do you maintain a lifestyle that both of you can afford? That works for some relationships where the lower earner may not want to feel indebted to the partner who makes more. Other couples work out a system where they pay for expenses in proportion to their income. And in some instances, the higher earner may have a “what’s mine is yours” philosophy and the lower earner is OK with that.
What matters is that both partners come to a mutual agreement and are comfortable with the arrangement. In other words, they collaborate.
That’s not the case with you and Meg. You sound resentful, angry, and feeling like Meg is taking advantage of you.
It’s great to be generous in your relationship, but it’s also important to have a boundary when you think it’s important to have a boundary. Yet you’re continuing to subsidize Meg even when you have trouble making your own ends meet.
Important question: Have you told Meg that you’re stretched thin some months? If not, I’d be curious as to how you’ve made that decision. If so, I’d be curious as to Meg’s response.
If you don’t want to keep serving as Meg’s piggy bank, what is stopping you?
There’s a great saying in psychotherapy: If it’s hysterical, it’s historical. Meaning, our “big” actions and reactions have their roots in our history.
Think about your life history: How does it make sense that you are acting like a powerless victim?
Is not having a boundary an old and familiar dynamic for you? Were there important players in your life—for example, your parents—who insisted it was their way or the highway? Or perhaps you learned as a kid that if you ever said “no” to your friends, there’d be negative consequences?
Now ask yourself what might be keeping you stuck in a relationship of resentment. Are you re-creating an old and familiar dynamic? Sometimes we keep putting ourselves in the same miserable situation, over and over again. What’s familiar can be comfortable, even if it’s miserable; and we may be trying to get some understanding of the dynamic and some power over it, to finally get it right.
I’m just speculating here, to encourage you to think for yourself why you are staying in the dynamic you describe. You haven’t mentioned anything positive about your relationship, or about Meg.
Another possibility: I wonder if you might be so fearful of being alone that you’re willing to tolerate all sorts of treatment in order to stay in your relationship. Or perhaps you don’t think you deserve to be treated any better than this.
Again, if this is the case, where might this belief be coming from? Understanding why we are stuck in behaviors that keep us miserable can help us to get unstuck.
You have an opportunity to do something different here: Set a boundary and take power over your life. Perhaps if you did so, Meg would surprise you by shifting her stance, which would be good news if you have some good reasons to stay. Or perhaps she would not. Your challenge now is to get some sense of what’s holding you back, if you want something different for yourself. And unless you act on your own behalf, you will stay in this position.
One more point to consider, regarding Meg’s dinner date with her ex: Whether or not anything is going on, I take your jealousy as a sign that you don’t trust Meg. And without trust, you can’t have a decent relationship.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].
Real Estate
April showers bring May flowers in life — and in real estate
Third time’s the charm for buyer plagued with problems

Working in the real estate sector in D.C. can be as uniquely “D.C.” as the residents feel about their own city. On any given day, someone could be selling a home that their grandmother bought, passed on to the relatives, and the transfer of generational wealth continues. In that same transaction, the beginning steps of building of generational wealth could be taking place.
Across town, an international buyer could be looking for a condo with very specific characteristics that remind them of the way things are “back home.” Maybe they want to live in a building with a pool because they grew up by the sea. Maybe they want a large kitchen so they can cook grandma’s recipes. Maybe they will be on MSNBC once a month and need to have a home office fit for those Zoom sessions where they will be live on air, or recording their podcast. Perhaps they play the saxophone and want a building with thick walls so they can make a joyful noise without causing their neighbors to file a cease-and-desist order.
What I found fascinating was getting to know my buyers. Why were they purchasing their property? What did they want to do with it? Was this their grandmother’s dream that they would have a place of their own someday? Did they finally think they would write that award-winning play in the home office? What dreams were going to be fulfilled while taking part in this transaction?
Somedays, the muck and paperwork slog of navigating home inspection items and financing checklists could get to be distracting at best, and almost downright disheartening at worst.
One of my clients was under contract on THREE places before we finally closed on a home. One building was discovered to have financing issues, and the residents were not keeping up with their condo fees. Another building had an issue with the title to the unit, which meant the seller could not sell the home for at least another year until that legal snag was resolved. As the months rolled by, she was losing heart and feeling defeated. When we finally found the third home, everything seemed great – and then about two weeks before the settlement, the rains came down and the windows leaked into the bedrooms.
Another delay. (Our THIRD). This time, for several more weeks.
I think she wanted to pack a suitcase, go to the airport, get on a plane somewhere and never come back. What ultimately happened? The building repaired the windows, the seller’s insurance replaced the hardwood floors, and she bought her first condo, which she still enjoys to this day.
As Dolly Parton says, “If you want the rainbow, you’ve got to put up with a little rain.” And finally, after months of looking, waiting, and overcoming obstacles, the rainbow peeked out from behind the clouds.
Joseph Hudson is a referral agent with Metro Referrals. He can be reached at 703-587-0597 or [email protected].
Autos
Sporty sedans: BMW 530i xDrive, Mercedes AMG CLA 3
Tariffs are here and the result is financial chaos

It’s official: Tariffs are here, and the result is financial chaos.
So, what to do when purchasing a new vehicle? If you need one in the not-so-distant future, buy sooner (like yesterday) rather than later. Expect prices to rise quickly, as inventory dwindles, demand soars, and automaker incentives evaporate. Of course, if a new ride isn’t a priority for at least a year or three, then hold off until the dust settles.
But for those of you looking for new wheels now, I recently drove two sport sedans that were a pleasant reprieve from the usual plethora of pickups, minivans, and SUVs.
BMW 530i xDRIVE
$63,000
MPG: 28 city/35 highway
0 to 60 mph: 5.5 seconds
Cargo space: 18.4 cu. ft.
PROS: Rakish looks. Race-car vibe. Rock-star amenities.
CONS: Rad-but-quirky infotainment system. Rich price.
IN A NUTSHELL: Classic good looks, from the iconic grille and swept-back headlights to chiseled side panels and a tasteful tush. For a gearhead like me, the BMW 530i xDrive — completely redesigned last year — is as rapturous as Michelangelo’s David. Everything here is in proportion, from the design to the drivetrain, which — along with a gutsy 255-hp turbo and all-wheel drive — helps deliver a divine experience behind the wheel. Even better, my test car came equipped with the heavenly M-Sport Package: 21-inch wheels, athletic suspension, and assorted styling upgrades.
A tech-laden cabin is outfitted with a sparkly 12.3-inch digital instrument cluster and 14.9-inch touchscreen infotainment system. With the windshield head-up display and a slew of knobs and toggle switches in the center console and on the steering wheel, I wondered if this is how it feels to pilot the Space Shuttle. There is even a back-lit interaction bar with touch-sensitive controls to adjust vent direction and other climate control settings.
All this gadgetry takes some getting used to, but the overall effect is dazzling. While a 12-speaker Harman Kardon stereo comes standard, I was jammin’ to the 16-speaker Bowers & Wilkins premium audio. Of course, such options add up quickly (on my test car, the extras totaled $13,000).
Just how fun is this car? In my favorite episode of “Hacks,” sassy Jean Smart drives a rockin’ Rolls Royce Wraith. Trust me, this four-door BMW is every bit the badass as that $300,000 super coupe.
MERCEDES AMG CLA 35

$58,000
MPG: 22 city/29 highway
0 to 60 mph: 4.8 seconds
Cargo space: 11.6 cu. ft.
PROS: Slick styling. Spiffy cabin. Sublime seats.
CONS: Smallish trunk. So-so rear headroom and legroom.
IN A NUTSHELL: Need a smaller sedan that’s just as marvy as the midsize BMW i530? Look no further than the compact Mercedes CLA-Class, which is 14 inches shorter. That’s a benefit when jockeying for parking or navigating rush hour.
Another plus: This is Mercedes’s least expensive sedan, available in three trim levels. All come with the same potent turbo but in varying power levels. The base model starts at $46,000, but I tested the first of two high-performance versions: the AMG CLA 35, which costs $12,000 more. You can open your wallet even further to snag the $67,000 AMG CLA 45.
But why bother? The AMG CLA 35 is plenty quick — faster than the BMW i530 — and boasts sport-tuned brakes, deft handling and a gritty-sounding exhaust system. The laundry list of standard features includes all-wheel drive, automated parking, gobs of the latest safety gizmos and even something called “safe-exit assist,” which prevents passengers from opening a door into traffic or speeding cyclists.
The interior is pure Mercedes, with top-notch materials, customizable ambient lighting and Burmester surround-sound audio. The overall layout—sleek and modern, but with elegant stitching in the seats and on the door panels and dashboard—is comfortable and user-friendly. Digital displays and touchscreens are similar to what’s in the BMW i530, just smaller.
Size matters, of course, which is why this vehicle’s shorter length can be a blessing but also a curse, especially when trying to squeeze passengers with longer legs into the backseats. And the dramatically sloped roofline, attractive from the outside, limits the amount of rear headroom and cargo space. Thank the automotive gods for panoramic sunroofs, which—at least for anyone in the front seats—makes this cabin feel surprisingly spacious.