Advice
Bundle of joy? Path to parenthood sets off lesbian alarm bells
My wife wants to be a mom and I don’t. If we were a straight couple and could have kids the old-fashioned way, we would probably already be parents.

Michael,
My wife wants to be a mom and I don’t. If we were a straight couple and could have kids the old-fashioned way, we would probably already be parents.
But the work involved in two women having a baby ā finding a donor, insemination, legal issues ā has made me stop and think about what weāre actually planning to do. And I realize I donāt want to turn my world upside-down.
I love my life as it is, including the freedom to sleep late on weekends, travel whenever we want, eat out and spend money without guiltily contemplating a college fund.
Babies do not excite me. In fact, I find them annoying, especially when they cry or scream. Likewise toddlers with their constant chatter and repetitive questions.
When we were dating, we did agree to have kids. It just seemed to me like the thing you do. But the more I think about it, the less I want to.
I haven’t told Lisa about my reservations because her heart is set on becoming a mom. But she is thinking she’d like to get pregnant within the year, so I have to figure out what to do.
Am I being silly? I keep hearing from friends that parenthood is the best thing they ever did, even if they were apprehensive. I love being married to Lisa and want to spend my life with her, but this is a big problem. I wonder if I should just get over myself and go forward with this?
Michael replies:
Becoming a parent will make huge demands on your time, your patience, your sanity and your wallet. So it’s smart to be thoughtful before you make this life-long commitment.
Yes, many people who are apprehensive beforehand find that they love parenthood, despite the challenges. And many people who aren’t crazy about kids are grateful to discover that they profoundly love their own children.Ā But that doesn’t mean you would be one of those people. And you canāt know that in advance.
Youāre going to have to take a chance, one way or the other and thereās no playing it safe ā the stakes are high in either direction.Ā If you decide you absolutely donāt want to have a child, you may lose Lisa. And if you decide to take the plunge, you may find yourself deeply unhappy.
Hereās the challenging aspect of your situation. The risks are obvious, but the rewards less certain. Thereās no way to know how you will feel when you look into your childās eyes. You have to decide if the possible joys of raising a child make it worthwhile for you to tolerate the downsides.
Because you arenāt inherently drawn to parenthood, making your decision might well be a no-brainer, if you werenāt married to someone who wanted kids. But because you are, itās not so simple. You are facing the question we all face with our partners: we want two different things, but can only choose one.
Hereās a principle you might consider: If something is important to your spouse, one option is to lean on her direction unless you have a strong reason not to. I like this principle because it leads couples to understand each other, to collaborate, to be generous whenever possible rather than keeping score and to discover how to be both two individuals and one couple.
If youāre interested in pursuing this line of thinking, ask Lisa to talk with you in depth about why she wants to become a mother. And you need to talk with her in depth about your ambivalence. The aim is not to try and convince each other, but simply to know each other well. Not incidentally, this is the definition of intimacy.
You may discover that it means more to Lisa to have kids than it does to you to remain childless and that the satisfaction you would get from seeing her fulfilled as a mother would help make parenting a gratifying choice for you as well, even if you would not have chosen it on your own.
Then again, you might decide that you arenāt willing to live a life with children, even if this means profoundly disappointing Lisa and possibly costing you your relationship.
Good luck. Decisions donāt get much tougher than this. Know that you are being handed an opportunity to clarify what is most important to you in your life.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ personalgrowthzone.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].
Advice
My partner wonāt come out to her parents
How to cope when you love someone whoās closeted

Dear Michael:
Iām having a terrible communication problem with my girlfriend. She just isnāt hearing me on some issues that mean a lot.
Nicki doesnāt get why itās important for me that we be out to her parents as a couple. Iāve explained my position over and over. Iām not willing to hide or pretend, and doing so makes things way more complicated down the road, if we stay together. Eventually weād have to explain our lies. Itās crazy to imagine hiding our marriage, or hiding children. More than crazy!
How can you be believable about anything if you arenāt honest about who you are and the nature of your relationship?
Nickiās whole response boils down to her being afraid that her parents will reject her (theyāre deeply religious, conservative). Me trying to explain to her that you canāt let fear run your life just doesnāt penetrate her brain.
As a result I havenāt met her parents yet, and our relationship is a lot more tentative than I would like it to be at this point.
Besides this ābiggie,ā there is one other issue that she just doesnāt get, no matter how much I explain my position: She makes fun of me a lot ā especially when weāre out with friends. About all sorts of things. How I dress (too stereotypically lesbian in her view); my interests (same criticism); my supposed inability to cook; my bad driving; my loving my dog too much. And more.
Nicki either says sheās not making fun of me, or says that sheās just kidding around and I am too serious. The more I ask her to stop, the more she tells me to ālighten up.ā She just isnāt hearing me.
Aside from communication issues around these big topics, we have an otherwise great relationship that I would like to last. However, this stuff isnāt acceptable.
What more can I do to communicate more clearly in a way that she will hear me?
Michael replies:
It sounds like youāre both making your points loud and clear. You criticize Nicki, and Nicki criticizes you.
Communication means that you say what you want to say to your partner, and you listen when she wants to share something. It does not mean that you get your partner to agree with you or behave as you want her to.
Even if you think that Nickiās not being out to her parents is crazy, she doesnāt have to come out to them.
Is Nicki open to the idea of eventually coming out to her parents? Mustering the courage to do so can be a slow process. If Nicki would like to work on this, and you are willing to wait, then stay in the relationship and work on being patient and accepting. But if this is a deal breaker issue now, Nicki is not for you.
While you can continue to try to change Nicki, this tactic doesnāt seem to be getting you anywhere, except annoyed. You have a lot of power over your own behavior, but little power over how your partner behaves. In other words, you get to be with the person you are with; not a hypothetical āimprovedā version that better suits you.
With regard to the teasing issue: I believe that if someone you care about tells you that you are hurting them, itās a good idea to listen. I donāt get why Nicki wants to keep behaving toward you in ways that you find painful. Could it be that all of this is linked?
Perhaps Nicki is hurt or annoyed or angry that you wonāt accept her not being out to her parents; and is getting back at you for your ongoing pestering by torturing you with criticisms and insults. Or, perhaps your hurt, annoyance, and anger over Nickiās ongoing teasing is leading you to retaliate by continually criticizing her closeted status.
Think of your relationship as a system: When one part of a system changes, it impacts the entire system. If either one of you changes your behavior for the better, you will likely have a positive impact on your relationship. Do you want to make the first move, and see what happens?
You might also begin an ongoing discussion with Nicki about the benefits of being respectful toward each other, listening to each other, striving to understand each otherās points of view, and tolerating that you sometimes see both minor and important issues differently.
But only start that discussion if it makes sense to you that having a decent relationship depends on your continually striving to do these things.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it toĀ [email protected].
Advice
How to rebuild trust after infidelity
You cannot use your partnerās bad behavior to justify your own

Last monthās column featured a letter from someone who had cheated on his boyfriend, and was struggling with the boyfriendās unwillingness to forgive him despite his contrition. He wondered what he could do to earn back his boyfriendās trust, and noted that he was feeling increasingly resentful over the nonstop scrutiny and contempt.
My reply in a nutshell: If youāve stepped out of your relationship, and want to do better going forward, the main person whose trust you need to earn is your own. Figure out your own standards (with input from your partner, of course) to be a boyfriend who deserves his partnerās trust, and live up to those standards. Strive to honor your partnerās requests to demonstrate your trustworthiness, but when doing so comes at too high a cost to your self-respect or your affection for your partner, you may need to set a boundary.
Now Iād like to address the other side of this dilemma. If youāve been cheated on, what can you do to build a trusting and loving relationship with your partner, going forward? Hereās what I would say to the boyfriend.
For starters: Youāre in a tough spot. Itās natural and understandable to be hurt, heartbroken, and furious with your partner. But if you want to have a loving relationship with this guy going forward, you are going to have to find a way to not let these feelings run your show for too long.
As is true for your partner, the person whose trust you most need to earn is you. Can you get better at paying attention, going forward, to any signs that your partner is stepping out of the relationship? Did you miss any hints that something was amiss? Were you ignoring data about your partnerās behavior and character?
You canāt go too far in either direction here. On the one hand, ignoring your āspidey senseā that somethingās wrong is a terrible idea. On the other hand, ongoing scrutiny and interrogations create an imbalanced relationship and often lead to your partner wanting to get away with things. Thatās just a natural consequence of being constantly watched.
A big part of your work is to determine if your partner is sincere in his desire to be honest going forward and devote himself to building the same kind of relationship that you want to build. This means assessing your partnerās character: Do you have a clear read on his values, and do you respect them? Can you get a good sense of whether he is just telling you what you want to hear in order to stay in the relationship, or being honest about where he really stands?
You can never know for sure. You can only do your best to see your partner and your relationship accurately. One thing is certain, though. If you are going to be in a close relationship, you must accept that you are going to be vulnerable to heartbreak. In any long relationship, partners do at times hurt each other, sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally. There is no way around this.
Of course, that doesnāt mean you must stay with someone who cheated on you. You get to decide whom you want to be with, what is not forgivable, and when you do not want to forgive.
If you decide that you have good reason to stay, you will have to develop your ability to calm yourself when it feels like something might be wrong and you are starting to freak out. Remember, your alarm system is likely on high alert after having been betrayed, which means you may easily panic when something might be amiss.
So when your partner doesnāt show up when he said he would, or doesnāt reply to a text or answer his phone, take a moment to quiet your mind ā perhaps by taking some slow deep breaths, perhaps simply by reminding yourself that your judgment may be āoffā right now ā and not rush into accusations or a downward spiral.
Every time you are able to make this move, you will be strengthening your ability to remain calm and thoughtful under very tough circumstances. That is a great skill to have in all arenas of life.
One more point: If you want to be angry or walk around feeling like your partner owes you for the rest of your existence, you might as well end the relationship, because youāll never have a loving relationship under those conditions. You cannot use your partnerās bad behavior to justify your own bad behavior. For a relationship to succeed, each partner must strive to be someone worth being in a relationship with.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it toĀ [email protected].

Dear Michael,
I cheated on my boyfriend and I canāt get him to forgive me.
A few months ago I slept with another guy. I canāt really explain why I did it. Sam and I have had an agreement to be monogamous and I believe in monogamy.
Rick, the āother manā and I, have been friends for a long time and it just happened. Rick is very attractive, I think he has a great personality, we were having dinner together and Iād had a bit too much to drink. We started making out and then left together and went to his place.
Unfortunately, a friend of Samās saw us kissing at the restaurant and reported me to Sam. He confronted me and I confessed to everything (not just the kissing).
I am very disappointed in myself and Iāve communicated that, over and over, to Sam.
But he continues to be angry with me. Every time I go out, he tells me to ābehave.ā He told me I canāt see Rick anymore and he has my āfind my phoneā feature activated so that he can always check my whereabouts. He also has all my passwords and periodically checks everything. Itās like being randomly drug-tested by my boyfriend.
On one hand, I understand. Iāve destroyed his trust in me and I need to rebuild it.
On the other hand, itās hard to live with his obvious contempt for me and his skepticism when I am trying to live up to a higher standard, going forward.
The truth is, I am starting to resent the constant scrutiny and contempt. I actually told him that and he blew up at me, telling me that I have no right to feel this way after hurting him as I have done.
Is one episode of infidelity really that bad?
According to Sam, yes ā because I did it and didnāt tell him. He says he never would have known if his friend hadnāt told him about it, and this makes him wonder what else Iāve done, or might do.
All I can say is, I am contrite and told him everything Iād done when all he knew was that I had made out with someone. So I am wanting to be honest.
I donāt know how itās possible to recover from this.
Michael replies:
You canāt have a loving relationship when one partner is the probation officer and the other partner is on probation. As you are finding, you wind up in a cesspool of resentment and suspicion.
Hereās an alternate approach: First, focus on giving Sam reason to trust you, every hour and every day. This means behaving in a way that is trustworthy.
The big question: What constitutes trustworthy behavior?
Of course, you must consider Samās feelings and comfort level in deciding on how you should conduct yourself as his partner. But you canāt base your standard only on what Sam demands; and you canāt do everything he demands.
Thatās what youāre doing now, with all the password-checking and location-tracking, and itās leaving you angry, scared, demeaned, and second-guessing yourself. Itās also unbalancing your relationship, because rather than being two equal partners, one of you is subservient to the other.
One more problem: itās a fact of life that when people are being watched, they are often tempted to find some way to ācheat.ā Iām not saying that Samās surveillance should or will drive you to hook up again; but ongoing scrutiny can certainly lead people to want to hide things. That is not a good dynamic for an intimate relationship.
Hereās an alternate way to rebuild trust: Decide for yourself how you want to behave, what standards and limits have integrity for you (again, taking into great consideration what is important to Sam). Strive to live up to these standards. Continue to follow through, day after day. You will feel proud of yourself and solid in your belief that you are a person who is trustworthy.
This may take some time. I understand well that you broke Samās trust, and perhaps his heart. You have to build a track record for him to see that you are holding yourself accountable.
You may be facing a dilemma, as frequently happens in intimate relationships. They have a way of forcing us to make tough choices. If you do what you think is best to be a trustworthy partner, and if some of your choices violate Samās demands, Sam may end the relationship. On the other hand, ongoing scrutiny and cross-examination may be intolerable for you in a close relationship.
Explaining to Sam why it is important for you to have a boundary at times, in the interest of strengthening and developing a more loving relationship, may be helpful.
While you, the partner who strayed, wrote this letter, there are important points for Sam (or anyone in his position) to consider in the interest of repairing a relationship following infidelity. I will address these in my next column.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it toĀ [email protected].
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