Local
Someday we’ll be together?
Bi-national couple describes pain, anxiety of navigating U.S. immigration laws
You’re waiting on your partner and he’s late.
Most gays in that situation might be mildly irked, especially if a dinner reservation or theater tickets are at stake. Even if a few hours pass, you realize the likelihood that something serious has happened is small.
But when Kelly Cross, a local gay attorney, found himself waiting more than two hours at the Foggy Bottom Metro station last summer with no sign of his partner, who was scheduled to join him following a stint in Europe, it was a much more serious situation — it could have meant the end of their relationship.
Because the United States doesn’t recognize same-sex marriage at the federal level — where immigration is handled — bi-national same-sex couples have few options for staying together long-term in the U.S. or anywhere else. The 1996 Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) further complicates the matter.
Cross and his partner, who declined to be identified because it could increase his chances of being deported, had tried to make a go of it in Europe, spending more than a year together in Dusseldorf, Germany, but a bounty of practical considerations — most pressingly Cross’s cancer-stricken mother in West Virginia — made staying there untenable. Cross returned in June 2009. But on the July day when his partner was scheduled to arrive at Dulles Airport, Cross’s panic increased as time went by.
“I was going around calling all kinds of people,” Cross says. “I thought he’d gotten pulled over and sent to the detention center where they’re double- and triple-checking everything probably. They want to make sure these folks are not going to stay in the U.S. They have no idea of his life here, his friends and family. It’s terrifying to know that you could be traveling and get the wrong immigration officer and not be able to get back into the country and I would not be able to go back and say anything and have no right to appeal anything. We’re very much at their whim.”
It had already been a nerve-wracking month for Cross, 31. Since he’d returned to the United States, he’d spent a frantic month trying to find someone willing to give his partner a job. Without that, there was no hope for the partner to stay. Though the partner’s background is in public policy, he had some experience doing financial analysis in Europe and that led to a D.C. opportunity but one that they say is more of a temporary fix than a long-term career plan.
For the couple, who got serious quickly after meeting at Apex in 2007, it was just one more in a string of seemingly endless obstacles. The relationship is strong enough, they say, that it’s worth the constant anxiety and uncertainty.
Cross’s partner, also 31, came to the states from his native Poland in 2003 to study public policy at the University of Northern Iowa. Disenchanted with Iowa, he came to D.C. for an internship in 2006. Though he liked the U.S., he was planning to return to Poland or possibly somewhere else in Europe — wherever he might find a good job. His plans changed radically when he met Cross.
“This is an everyday concern, how are we going to survive,” the partner says. “In our situation, we’re lucky that we have sufficient funds to live in this not-very-pleasant situation, but I just cannot imagine if somebody is gay and working for McDonald’s and he has a boyfriend who is working for Burger King. I don’t think they are going to make it. They won’t make it for sure because they’re not able. But if there’s a couple who’s straight, they have all the rights and all possibilities to make it because it will be possible. A law that gives them the opportunity, one piece of paper, a marriage license, that gives all kinds of rights and we don’t have it.”
The couple did enter a New Jersey civil union last summer, but they say it was purely symbolic and has little practical benefit. The partner says although he understands the arguments of those who will settle only for marriage, he’d be happy with a federally recognized civil union.
“That would be fine, I don’t give a shit,” he says. “Just anything so I don’t have this headache every morning. I would be perfectly happy with a civil union.”
Cross and his partner are, of course, not alone. Immigration Equality, a gay rights advocacy group working to end discrimination in U.S. immigration law against LGBT people, points to Williams Institute figures based on the 2000 Census that indicate there are about 36,000 bi-national same-sex couples struggling to stay together in the U.S. They’re hoping the Uniting American Families Act (UAFA), versions of which date back to 2000, will solve the problem. Because its wording says “permanent partner,” activists say it wouldn’t conflict with DOMA, though they’re hopeful — as are virtually all gay activists — that DOMA will eventually be repealed.
But how are the odds looking for UAFA? Immigration Equality’s communications director Steve Ralls is optimistic.
“Now that health care is officially behind us, there are indications that Congress and the White House are turning to immigration reform in the coming weeks and months,” Ralls says. “The White House has called key lawmakers to plot a way forward for comprehensive immigration reform and as part of that process, we’re working very hard to ensure that the Uniting American Families Act is part of that comprehensive bill.”
If it fails there — and many are opposed to its inclusion — it could pass on its own but Ralls says Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and U.S. Sen. Charles Schumer, supporters of the legislation, have told him they want to tackle a comprehensive bill before individual ones. U.S. Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-Vermont), who introduced UAFA in the Senate last year, is a key ally, Ralls says.
“He’s chair of the Judiciary Committee, which has enormous influence on what immigration bills move through Congress when,” Ralls said. “He remains willing and determined to pass UAFA as a standalone bill if necessary. That gives us a legislative leg up right out of the starting gate.”
But if it fails, what are the options for couples like Cross and his partner? They’re few, they say. Moving to Canada is not practical because the antitrust law Cross specializes in is not viable to practice there. Cross says he was lucky he spoke German and that his England-based international law firm was able to transfer him there, but he took a large pay cut to do it.
His partner becomes indignant at the mere suggestion of moving to Canada.
“This question is not really appropriate,” he says. “Who the heck is going to tell me where I should live? … I am entitled to decide where I should like to live because I’m your partner. We want to live here. Nobody’s going to tell me what I’m supposed to do with my life. I’m not a random person who’s just coming and pushing to want to settle in the D.C. area. We have our life here.”
And though the immigration problem is by far the couple’s biggest challenge, Cross says it’s compounded by other factors that flair up occasionally. They have cultural, interracial and homophobic issues that pop up, mostly externally. Cross encountered it often when he was trying to arrange a job for his partner.
“There’s a different sort of worth people ascribe to a heterosexual relationship that they don’t ascribe to homosexual ones,” Cross says. “There’s a presumption that if you’ve found a woman and are in love with a woman, then that must be love and there must be something there and you know, that’s your family. People attribute that and assume it’s real. But I think with gay couples there’s a mentality that yeah, you could find someone else or why go to the effort for this, there’s plenty of other people you could find. But it’s not true. When you love somebody, you love somebody.”
Cross says the challenges sometimes overwhelm his friends and colleagues.
“I think it’s just a combination of the whole thing,” he says. “Black, interracial, bi-national, gay — sometimes it’s just too much and people don’t know how to deal with it.”
The Comings & Goings column is about sharing the professional successes of our community. We want to recognize those landing new jobs, new clients for their business, joining boards of organizations and other achievements. Please share your successes with us at [email protected].
Congratulations to RODRIGO HENG-LEHTINEN on his new role as Trevor Project Senior Vice President of Public Engagement Campaigns. On accepting the position, he said, “My mission has long been to stop LGBTQ, and especially trans, people from being perceived as political footballs and start getting us seen as real people – your friends, your families, your neighbors. Now I get to focus on that 100% at The Trevor Project.”
Prior to this, he was executive director, Advocates for Trans Equality (A4TE), where he co-led the merger of two national transgender rights organizations, NCTE and TDLEF, to create the new organization. He had served as executive director of the National Center for Transgender Equality, leading that organization through a period of growth, restoring organizational size and stability. He had served as deputy executive director prior to that. Previously he served as vice president of Public Education, Freedom for All Americans, where he led a successful campaign for transgender nondiscrimination protections in New Hampshire. He oversaw a full range of legislative lobbying, field organizing, and communications strategies and oganized a leadership coalition, established structure, and divided roles for key committees of 17 state and national partner organizations and local activists.
Heng-Lehtinen conducted English-language interviews with outlets such as The New York Times, CNN, MSNBC, and Politico. He planned a Transgender Leadership Summit for the Transgender Law Center and served as Development & Donor Services Assistant, Liberty Hill Foundation. He earned his bachelor’s degree in Latin American Studies from Brown University.
Local
D.C., Va., Md. to commemorate World AIDS Day
Cathedral of St. Matthew the Apostle will hold a Mass, candlelight prayer vigil
The D.C. area will observe World AIDS Day on Dec. 1 through a variety of community events.
Established by the World Health Organization in 1988, World AIDS Day aims to raise awareness about HIV/AIDS and honor the individuals affected by the epidemic. The global theme for 2025 is “overcoming disruption, transforming the AIDS response.”
Washington
DC Health will host a World AIDS Day event at the Martin Luther King, Jr. Library from noon to 9 p.m on Dec. 1. Attendees can expect live performances, free food and free HIV testing.
The all-day event will also feature community resources from DC Health, DC Public Library, DC Health Link, Serve DC, and the Mayor’s Office of LGBTQ Affairs.
The Lily and Earle M. Pilgrim Art Foundation is partnering with Visual AIDS, a New York-based non-profit that uses art to fight AIDS, to reflect on World AIDS Day with a film screening on Dec. 1.
The David Bethuel Jamieson Studio House at Walbridge in Mount Pleasant will premiere “Meet Us Where We’re At,” an hour-long collection of six videos. The free screening highlights the complexity of drug use in intersection with the global HIV epidemic.
The videos, commissioned by artists in Brazil, Germany, Nigeria, Puerto Rico and Vietnam, showcase the firsthand experience of drug users, harm reduction programs, and personal narratives. The program intends to showcase drug users as key individuals in the global response to HIV.
In addition to streaming the videos, the event will include an evening potluck and conversation led by Peter Stebbins from 6-8 p.m.
The Cathedral of St. Matthew the Apostle will hold a 5:30 p.m. Mass and candlelight prayer vigil at 6 p.m. in honor of World AIDS Day on Dec. 1. The event is open to all and includes a subsequent reception at 6:30 p.m.
The Capital Jewish Museum is hosting a speaker series on Dec. 2 from 6:30-8 p.m. that explores the response to AIDS within the Jewish community. Speakers include LGBTQ psychiatrist Jeffrey Akman, physician assistant Barbara Lewis and Larry Neff, lay service leader at Bet Mishpachah, a synagogue founded by LGBTQ Washingtonians. Heather Alt, deputy director of nursing at Whitman-Walker Health, will moderate the event.
The program is free for museum members. General admission is $10 and Chai tickets, which help subsidize the cost of general admission, are $18. Tickets include access to LGBT Jews in the Federal City, a temporary exhibition that collectively explores Washington, Judaism, and LGBTQ history. The exhibition is on view through Jan. 4, 2026.
Virginia
Alexandria Mayor Alyia Gaskins and local residents will commemorate World AIDS Day on Dec. 1 at the Lee Center.
The event, which is free to attend, will include music, choir performances, educational moments and more. The commemoration will be held from 6:30-8:30 p.m.
Maryland
The Frederick Center will host talks, tabling and a raffle in honor of World AIDS Day. The Frederick County Health Department will conduct free HIV testing.
The event, which is free to attend, will be held on Nov. 30 from 1-4 p.m. The Frederick County Health Department always offers free, walk-in HIV testing on Tuesdays and Fridays from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m.
The Prince George’s County Alumnae Chapter of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority will host a community day of awareness in honor of World AIDS Day on Dec. 6 from 1 a.m. to 2 p.m. The free event will feature free, confidential HIV testing, private talks with medical professionals and health workshops.
The event will be held at Suitland Community Center in Forestville and will include breakfast and snacks.
Damien Ministries is commemorating World AIDS Day on Dec. 1 through the grand opening of the We the People Community & Wellness Collaborative. The event, held at 11:30 a.m. at 4061 Minnesota Avenue, N.E., is free to attend.
Damien Ministries is a faith-based non-profit committed to supporting those with HIV/AIDS.
Begin Anew, a Baltimore non-profit that provides education, outreach and resources to improve public health, wellness and economic stability, is hosting its 4th Annual World AIDS Day Community Celebration on Dec. 1 alongside community partners.
Hosted at the University of Maryland BioPark from noon to 3 p.m., the program will feature keynote speaker Jason E. Farley of the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine. The celebration will also dedicate awards to local heroes focused on fighting HIV/AIDS and promoting health equity.
The free event includes lunch, live entertainment and networking opportunities with health advocates and partners.
District of Columbia
Bowser announces she will not seek fourth term as mayor
‘It has been the honor of my life to be your mayor’
D.C. Mayor Muriel Bowser, a longtime vocal supporter of the LGBTQ community, announced on Nov. 25 that she will not run for a fourth term.
Since first taking office as mayor in January 2015, Bowser has been an outspoken supporter on a wide range of LGBTQ related issues, including marriage equality and services for LGBTQ youth and seniors.
Local LGBTQ advocates have also praised Bowser for playing a leading role in arranging for widespread city support in the city’s role as host for World Pride 2025 in May and June, when dozens of LGBTQ events took place throughout the city.
She has also been credited with expanding the size and funding for the Mayor’s Office of LGBTQ Affairs, which was put in place as a Cabinet level office by the D.C. Council in 2006 under the administration of then-Mayor Anthony Williams.
It was initially called the Office of Gay, Lesbian, and Transgender Affairs. At Bowser’s request, the D.C. Council in 2016 agreed to change the name as part of the fiscal year 2016 budget bill to the Office of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Questioning Affairs.
As she has in numerous past appearances at LGBTQ events, Bowser last month greeted the thousands of people who attended the annual LGBTQ Halloween 17th Street High Heel Race from a stage by shouting that D.C. is the “gayest city in the world.”
In a statement released after she announced she would not run for a fourth term in office; Bowser reflected on her years as mayor.
“It has been the honor of my life to be your mayor,” she said. “When you placed your trust in me 10 years ago, you gave me an extraordinary opportunity to have a positive impact on my hometown,” her statement continues.
“Together, you and I have built a legacy of success of which I am immensely proud. My term will end on Jan. 2, 2027. But until then, let’s run through the tape and keep winning for D.C,” her statement concludes.
Among the LGBTQ advocates commenting on Bowser’s decision not to run again for mayor was Howard Garrett, president of D.C.’s Capital Stonewall Democrats, one of the city’s largest local LGBTQ political groups.
“I will say from a personal capacity that Mayor Bowser has been very supportive of the LGBTQ community,” Garrett told the Washington Blade. “I think she has done a great job with ensuring that our community has been protected and making sure we have the resources needed to be protected when it comes to housing, public safety and other areas.”
Garrett also praised Bowser’s appointment of LGBTQ advocate Japer Bowles as director of the Office of LGBTQ Affairs,
“Under the leadership of the mayor, Japer has done a fantastic job in ensuring that we have what we need and other organizations have what they need to prosper,” Garrett said.
Cesar Toledo, executive director of the D.C. based Wanda Alston Foundation, which provides housing services for homeless LGBTQ youth, credits Bowser with transforming the Office of LGBTQ Affairs “into the largest and most influential community affairs agency of its kind in the nation, annually investing more than $1 million into life-saving programs.”
Toledo added, “Because of the consistent support of Mayor Bowser and her administration, the Wanda Alston Foundation has strengthened and expanded its housing and counseling programs, ensuring that more at-risk queer and trans youth receive the safety, stability, and life-saving care they deserve.”
Gay Democratic activist Peter Rosenstein is among those who have said they have mixed reactions to Bowser’s decision not to run again.
“I am sorry for the city but happy for her that she will now be able to focus on her family, and her incredible daughter,” Rosenstein said.
“She has worked hard, and done great things for D.C,” Rosenstein added. “Those include being a stalwart supporter of the LGBTQ community, working to rebuild our schools, recreation centers, libraries, gaining the RFK site for the city, and maintaining home rule. She will be a very hard act to follow.”
Local gay activist David Hoffman is among those in the city who have criticized Bowser for not taking a stronger and more vocal position critical of President Donald Trump on a wide range of issues, including Trump’s deployment of National Guard soldiers to patrol D.C. streets. Prior to Bowser’s announcement that she is not running again for mayor, Hoffman said he would not support Bowser’s re-election and would urge the LGBTQ community to support another candidate for mayor.
Bowser supporters have argued that Bowser’s interactions with the Trump-Vance administration, including her caution about denouncing the president, were based on her and other city officials’ desire to protect the interests of D.C. and D.C.’s home rule government. They point out that Trump supporters, including Republican members of Congress, have called on Trump to curtail or even end D.C. home rule.
Most political observers are predicting a highly competitive race among a sizable number of candidates expected to run for mayor in the 2026 D.C. election. Two D.C. Council members have said they were considering a run for mayor before Bowser’s withdrawal.
They include Councilmember Janeese Lewis George (D-Ward 4), who identifies as a democratic socialist, and Councilmember Kenyan McDuffie (I-At-Large), who is considered a political moderate supportive of community-based businesses. Both have expressed strong support for the LGBTQ community.
The Washington Post reports that Bowser declined to say in an interview whether she will endorse a candidate to succeed her or what she plans to do after she leaves office as mayor.
Among her reasons for not running again, she told the Post, was “we’ve accomplished what we set out to accomplish.”
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Comings & Goings
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Calendar: November 28-December 4
Bowser announces she will not seek fourth term as mayor
Pentagon moves to break with Boy Scouts over LGBTQ and gender inclusion
Pattie Gonia calls out Hegseth’s anti-LGBTQ policies — while doing better pull-ups
Fadi Jaber’s Middle Eastern background shapes Adams Morgan bakery
Top EU court: Poland must recognize same-sex marriage from other European countries
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District of Columbia4 days agoBowser announces she will not seek fourth term as mayor
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U.S. Military/Pentagon4 days ago
Pentagon moves to break with Boy Scouts over LGBTQ and gender inclusion
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Drag5 days ago
Pattie Gonia calls out Hegseth’s anti-LGBTQ policies — while doing better pull-ups
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District of Columbia5 days ago
Fadi Jaber’s Middle Eastern background shapes Adams Morgan bakery
