Advice
Three months in, is it crazy to move for love?
Job opportunity in new town gives lesbian cause for pause


Michael,
How long should I wait before moving in with my girlfriend?
I met Melissa on a business trip to Chicago three months ago. It was a Thursday night and on a whim I went to a lesbian bar where I saw her. Wow! She was stunning. Although I am usually shy I went up to her and we started talking ⦠and then dancing ⦠and more talking.
We had so much to say to each other that we wound up closing the place. It felt like love at first sight. Melissa came back to my hotel and we just talked and made out and cuddled till morning. I was due to fly back to D.C. that Friday afternoon but changed my ticket and spent the weekend with her.
Melissa came to D.C. the following weekend and weāve been going back and forth ever since. We also spent the week between Christmas and New Yearās together. So I think weāre really getting to know each other well in a short amount of time. We feel like weāre on the express route.
Two weeks ago my client in Chicago offered me a job and I have decided to take it.
Moving to Chicago to be with Melissa seems like an amazing opportunity to build a relationship with a very special person. Given that we want to be together all the time, we decided to just go for it and move in together. Melissa has a two-bedroom apartment so we figure we wonāt always be on top of each other.
My friends think I am nuts. Iāve lived in D.C. for eight years and have an extraordinary group of caring, supportive pals here. All I keep hearing from them is, āHow can you leave everyone and everything you have in D.C. and move half-way across the country to live with someone you barely know?ā
But this relationship feels like the real thing. I have such a connection with Melissa that Iām sure she is my soul mate. She feels the same way. Iāve never felt this way about another person in my entire life. A few months back I would have rolled my eyes if someone else said this sort of thing to me, but here I am saying it and totally believing it.
Is it really so bad to move in with someone so quickly? Iāve heard it can ruin a relationship. But we are crazy about each other so we donāt see a reason not to jump in.
Michael replies:
Thereās no one right answer for how long to wait before moving in together. Certainly itās good to have some practice collaborating on difficult issues, so that you have reason to believe you can get through crises together.
But youāve already made your plan to live with each other. So rather than worrying, your task now is to focus on building a strong and vibrant relationship. Here are some points to keep in mind:
The two of you arenāt going to continue to feel this blissful, indefinitely. Itās just the way relationships go. After some time, the gooeyness starts to fade and we start noticing all those little and big things that we donāt love about the other person.
When this happens, aim to stay calm, close and as accepting as you can be, rather than letting yourself get angry or resentful. Having a sense of humor and keeping the perspective that relationships arenāt easy, will help.
Remember: You canāt change your partner to better suit who you want her to be. You have to find a way to live with each other as you both are.
That said, you each can do your best to be a great significant other. This means being thoughtful and generous whenever possible. It also means taking care not to ask too much of your partner. Yes, we all want emotional support and someone to listen to us. But aim not to wear your partner out. This may be particularly challenging for you as you are moving thousands of miles away from a great support system.
Another key to a vibrant relationship: Strive to be not only a couple, but also two individuals. While you and Melissa are head over heels right now, you are also two different people who arenāt always going to think the same or want the same things. Give each other space to diverge. Set a boundary when itās important to say, āno.ā Accept each otherās boundaries even when youāre disappointed.
Hereās an analogy to keep in mind: A long-term relationship is like a long sea voyage on a boat where the two of you are sharing a very small cabin. The kind of space where the couch is also the bed and you have to step over the suitcase to get to the bathroom. Getting along under these circumstances requires patience, generosity, kindness and humor.
While you canāt know in advance how the adventure will proceed, you and Melissa can decide you will do your best to make your relationship a success. Your ongoing effort will go a long way toward your being a happy couple. Wishing you the best!
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with LGBT couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].
Advice
Working from home is taking over our lives
We need to create boundaries and return to offices


Back in the late 1980s when I was a young financial analyst at a New York bank, Iād leave the office at five and go home to my little Upper West Side studio. With no cable, internet, or cellphone, a landline was my only connection to the outside word till I went back to work the next day.
What was it like? Tranquility is the word. Surrounded by Manhattan, I was as isolated as a monk in a cell, with uninterrupted hours to read a book, cook, or listen to an album. And of course I could go out on the town without a work crisis reaching out to ruin my plans.
Iāve been thinking back to those days a lot, lately. Working as a psychologist, Iām hearing more and more clients complain lately about how much time theyāre putting into their jobs. Folks have been working from home for a year now, and as the months have gone by, many of us are spending more and more hours on the job.
Whatās going on? I hear a few justifications.
First, many people tell me that they donāt feel they have an excuse not to reply when they get a text or email from a boss or colleague after normal work hours. After all, what else would they be doing? This is especially true of my single clients who donāt have children. Even dinnertime isnāt off limits.
Second, as the pandemic drags on and most of us have so few sources of fun and stimulation, people are turning more and more to their jobs for something ā anything ā to keep them occupied.
And, of course, thereās the reality that weāre working from our homes. Thereās no physical boundary keeping work at work.
So while itās great not to have to commute or wear pants, working from home is making it even easier for our jobs to take over our lives than they already were. Put bluntly, this sucks.
We all need a break from work. Every day. Your job likely isnāt paying you for 16-hour days. Even if it is, you need to have some fun, rest, and recharge your brain.
Of course we canāt shut ourselves off from the world as completely as I did in those pre-internet/cellphone days. But we need to draw a boundary, even if it means disappointing our employers and colleagues by doing so. Iām not talking about not doing your job. Iām just talking about setting a limit on how much of your life you are willing to give to your work.
Standing up for your own well-being can be scary. There may be real risks in terms of job security and compensation. Only you can decide for yourself when it is vital to say āno.ā But advocating for yourself is necessary at times. To quote Hillel, an ancient Jewish sage: āIf I am not for myself, then who will be for me?ā
Taking action on your own behalf is also a skill you want to develop, because it will help you in all areas of your life. If you canāt say ānoā in order to eat dinner uninterrupted, watch a movie youād like to see, spend time with someone you love or get a good nightās sleep, youāre going to get chewed up and spit out by others, quite a lot.
Recently, Iāve been reading that D.C.ās downtown is in danger of financial ruin. As many people may not be be returning to the office after the pandemic, some believe that the whole web of service businesses may collapse.
Iām hoping that the doomsdayers floating this theory are wrong, and that as the pandemic ends many of us will head back to the office, at least much of the time. We need to get back to setting a stronger boundary between work and the rest of our lives.
Yes, weāll be helping our city rebound. And weāll also be making a big step toward taking care of ourselves, by re-constructing a life thatās about way more than work.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com.
Advice
ADVICE: Despair vs. resilience in trying times
Coronavirus lockdown has many down but youāre stronger than you think


As the COVID-19 crisis goes on without our having any clarity about how or when this crazy situation will improve, most everyone I know is super-anxious about getting sick, fed up with being locked down or both. Is there a way for us to get through this any easier?Ā
Hereās a start: Acknowledge that there are no guarantees in life.
When we accept that life is going to throw all sorts of challenges at us and that there is sometimes nothing we can do to stop these challenges from coming, that leaves us with one great option: Work on becoming more resilient so we can better deal with the hard stuff, including the very hard stuff.
This is called resilience. Being able to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and keep going forward. ClichĆ©, yes, but itās what we need to do if we donāt want life to beat us down.
Good news: resilience is a trait we are born with. As Iām writing these words, Iām watching my 4-month-old, who recently learned to turn from his back onto his belly, trying to turn from his belly onto his back. Heās been at this for days, and has succeeded just once. He keeps crying and trying. He wonāt give up. Thatās resilience.
Further good news: If youāre LGBT, you likely have already done some work in this area. All the difficulties that we experience as we grow up ā struggling to accept an identity thatās stigmatized, teasing, rejection and worse ā and here we are. How? All of us found a way to keep moving forward in our lives rather than letting circumstances defeat us.
Of course, this is pretty much true of anyone who has been through tough times and survived. Many of our elders who experienced the Depression, wartime, or worse tell us that they arenāt fazed by the virus or having to stay at home. Having endured previous struggles, they know they can do their best to endure this one.
Thatās what all of us must keep in mind now. Knowing that we have had the resilience to get through past difficulties can support us in getting through this new hard time.
Another important point to keep in mind: When we give our suffering meaning, it helps us endure the suffering. Reminding ourselves that striving to endure this tough period will make us even more resilient can actually help us to more easily endure it.
Other ways we can strengthen our own capacity for resilience:
Do our best to take care of ourselves, of course. When we eat well, find a way to exercise, get adequate sleep and take breaks from virus-worrying through meditation or just focusing on something pleasant or uplifting, weāre less anxious and better able to keep calm. The ability to soothe ourselves is key to being resilient.
Stay connected to people around us so that we donāt wind up feeling isolated and alone, which can deepen feelings of hopelessness. We all need supportive friends and family whom we can ask for assistance when we really need it to survive. Knowing that they are there is part of feeling resilient. And if weāre able to help others in some way ā dropping off groceries for an elderly relative or neighbor, or simply being willing to listen ā weāre likely to feel stronger and more able to cope.
Appreciate what we have. This can include a roof over our head, food to eat, people and companion animals we love and simply being alive right now. Doing will serve us much better than lamenting.
While none of us will live forever, we all want to stay in the game as long as we can. Striving to be resilient can help us keep going forward through life with the belief that if itās possible to survive, we have a good shot at doing so. And that belief can give us hope, determination and a positive outlook.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay individuals and couples in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com.Ā
Advice
ADVICE: Nerves easily fray while social distancing
Look within to avoid unnecessary tension with your significant other


For many years, Iāve told couples I work with that being in long-term relationships is like taking a long journey by ship in a very small stateroom. You know, the kind where the couch unfolds to be a bed, you have to step over your partnerās legs to get to the bathroom and thereās no place to stow the suitcases. You have to find a way to stay calm, not drive each other crazy and enjoy the voyage.
Iād never actually traveled by boat, so this was just my theory. So when my husband and I were lucky enough to take a journey by ship up the Norwegian coast a few years back and had a cabin exactly as Iād envisioned (i.e. teeny), I discovered I was right. Despite the unbelievably gorgeous scenery right out our porthole, after a few days we could see how easy it would be to get irritable with each other.
Now here we all are in a much more difficult situation. Weāre stuck at home, on top of each other, trying to do our jobs while taking care of companion animals and children, attempting to avoid an invisible enemy that could be anywhere. We canāt go out on deck to watch Norway float by. Instead, weāve got the television to look at, keeping us posted about all the bad and scary news.
So itās natural that as our nerves fray, weāre going to get irritated by our mates. Theyāre in the way. We donāt like their tone. They arenāt doing enough or responding when we ask a question. We feel like weāre the one doing everything.
Sound familiar?
It makes sense that we react like this at such a stressful time, but when we do, itās all downhill from there. In our current predicament, we donāt have the usual escape outlets that let us take a break and come back to our spouses calmer and with a refreshed attitude.
What to do? Here are some simple strategies to help you, your significant other and your relationship through this extraordinarily miserable period:
Donāt point fingers: Think about what you can do to make the situation better rather than focusing on what your spouse should be doing. And then do it. This is a great strategy even in normal times. Remember, we have very little power to get another person to do something, but lots of power over our own behavior. So if we want things to change, we should look first to ourselves.
Be generous: Does your spouse feel strongly about something? Now is likely not the time to get into a struggle over whose say goes. Unless you have good reason to go in the other direction, be generous. Again, this is a policy worth adhering to when we get back to normal (soon, I hope!).
Take responsibility for soothing your own anxiety: This is always a great idea, but especially now. Yes, when weāre worried about something it feels great to get a hug and be told everything will be OK. But right now, your partner is just as anxious as you are and likely without the bandwidth to soothe you. Moreover, none of us really know that everything will be OK.
So the best thing you can do when youāre anxious is look to yourself to find ways to keep as calm as you can, under the current circumstances: Meditation, slow deep breaths, whatever exercise you can find to do, striving to be in the present, working to accept uncertainty ā these are all ways you may be able to help yourself feel even a little more calm.
And if youāre able to reach out and offer your spouse some loving reassurance ā even if none of us know how this will end ā so much the better. Giving your partner emotional support is always a good move.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with LGBT couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].
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