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My partner won’t come out to her parents

How to cope when you love someone who’s closeted

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Don’t judge too harshly when a partner refuses to come out to parents. (Photo by Wavebreak Media/Bigstock)

Dear Michael:

I’m having a terrible communication problem with my girlfriend. She just isn’t hearing me on some issues that mean a lot.

Nicki doesn’t get why it’s important for me that we be out to her parents as a couple. I’ve explained my position over and over. I’m not willing to hide or pretend, and doing so makes things way more complicated down the road, if we stay together. Eventually we’d have to explain our lies. It’s crazy to imagine hiding our marriage, or hiding children. More than crazy!

How can you be believable about anything if you aren’t honest about who you are and the nature of your relationship?

Nicki’s whole response boils down to her being afraid that her parents will reject her (they’re deeply religious, conservative). Me trying to explain to her that you can’t let fear run your life just doesn’t penetrate her brain.

As a result I haven’t met her parents yet, and our relationship is a lot more tentative than I would like it to be at this point.

Besides this “biggie,” there is one other issue that she just doesn’t get, no matter how much I explain my position: She makes fun of me a lot — especially when we’re out with friends. About all sorts of things. How I dress (too stereotypically lesbian in her view); my interests (same criticism); my supposed inability to cook; my bad driving; my loving my dog too much. And more.

Nicki either says she’s not making fun of me, or says that she’s just kidding around and I am too serious. The more I ask her to stop, the more she tells me to “lighten up.” She just isn’t hearing me.

Aside from communication issues around these big topics, we have an otherwise great relationship that I would like to last. However, this stuff isn’t acceptable.

What more can I do to communicate more clearly in a way that she will hear me?

Michael replies:

It sounds like you’re both making your points loud and clear. You criticize Nicki, and Nicki criticizes you.

Communication means that you say what you want to say to your partner, and you listen when she wants to share something.  It does not mean that you get your partner to agree with you or behave as you want her to.

Even if you think that Nicki’s not being out to her parents is crazy, she doesn’t have to come out to them.  

Is Nicki open to the idea of eventually coming out to her parents? Mustering the courage to do so can be a slow process. If Nicki would like to work on this, and you are willing to wait, then stay in the relationship and work on being patient and accepting. But if this is a deal breaker issue now, Nicki is not for you.

While you can continue to try to change Nicki, this tactic doesn’t seem to be getting you anywhere, except annoyed. You have a lot of power over your own behavior, but little power over how your partner behaves. In other words, you get to be with the person you are with; not a hypothetical “improved” version that better suits you.

With regard to the teasing issue: I believe that if someone you care about tells you that you are hurting them, it’s a good idea to listen. I don’t get why Nicki wants to keep behaving toward you in ways that you find painful. Could it be that all of this is linked?

Perhaps Nicki is hurt or annoyed or angry that you won’t accept her not being out to her parents; and is getting back at you for your ongoing pestering by torturing you with criticisms and insults. Or, perhaps your hurt, annoyance, and anger over Nicki’s ongoing teasing is leading you to retaliate by continually criticizing her closeted status.

Think of your relationship as a system: When one part of a system changes, it impacts the entire system. If either one of you changes your behavior for the better, you will likely have a positive impact on your relationship. Do you want to make the first move, and see what happens?

You might also begin an ongoing discussion with Nicki about the benefits of being respectful toward each other, listening to each other, striving to understand each other’s points of view, and tolerating that you sometimes see both minor and important issues differently.

But only start that discussion if it makes sense to you that having a decent relationship depends on your continually striving to do these things.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].

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Advice

I make more money than my partner and getting resentful

She’s taking advantage of a joint credit card

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(Photo by Nik_Sorokin/Bigstock)

Hi Michael,

I make a fair amount more money than my girlfriend does and I’m happy to contribute more to our life (we are both in our 20s and living together).

But Meg doesn’t seem to care how much money she spends and then asks me to front her when she’s running low. She seldom pays me back. 

Last week she had a big night on the town with her best friend (formerly her girlfriend) for the friend’s 30th birthday. She hired a limo and spent a lot on drinks and dinner. She put the entire night on our joint card which we are only supposed to use for shared household expenses, because she had maxed out her own card. Of course I will wind up paying for it. (And I am slightly jealous. Why am I paying for her evening out with her former GF?)

I pay for all sorts of stuff all the time because her credit card gets too big for her budget. 

And somehow I almost never end up getting her share of the rent, which is already prorated according to our incomes.

She always tells me she’ll pay me back but her tab pretty much just keeps getting bigger.

If I bring this up with her, she tells me I am cheap because I make a lot and we’re a couple; and if she made more, she’d have no problem sharing everything with me. 

Am I just being ungenerous? I don’t know. Sometimes I think she’s an ingrate, but then I think if you’re in love, you shouldn’t be thinking of money, just taking care of the person you love.

Also, although I make more than she does, I’m by no means rich. I have my own student loans, and paying for the bulk of our lifestyle stretches me thin some months.

Michael replies:

For starters: Most couples must contend with some version of your struggle with Meg, because most couples have some income disparity.

Do you maintain a lifestyle that both of you can afford? That works for some relationships where the lower earner may not want to feel indebted to the partner who makes more. Other couples work out a system where they pay for expenses in proportion to their income. And in some instances, the higher earner may have a “what’s mine is yours” philosophy and the lower earner is OK with that.

What matters is that both partners come to a mutual agreement and are comfortable with the arrangement. In other words, they collaborate.

That’s not the case with you and Meg. You sound resentful, angry, and feeling like Meg is taking advantage of you.  

It’s great to be generous in your relationship, but it’s also important to have a boundary when you think it’s important to have a boundary. Yet you’re continuing to subsidize Meg even when you have trouble making your own ends meet. 

Important question: Have you told Meg that you’re stretched thin some months? If not, I’d be curious as to how you’ve made that decision. If so, I’d be curious as to Meg’s response.

If you don’t want to keep serving as Meg’s piggy bank, what is stopping you?  

There’s a great saying in psychotherapy: If it’s hysterical, it’s historical. Meaning, our “big” actions and reactions have their roots in our history.

Think about your life history: How does it make sense that you are acting like a powerless victim?  

Is not having a boundary an old and familiar dynamic for you? Were there important players in your life—for example, your parents—who insisted it was their way or the highway?  Or perhaps you learned as a kid that if you ever said “no” to your friends, there’d be negative consequences?

Now ask yourself what might be keeping you stuck in a relationship of resentment. Are you re-creating an old and familiar dynamic? Sometimes we keep putting ourselves in the same miserable situation, over and over again. What’s familiar can be comfortable, even if it’s miserable; and we may be trying to get some understanding of the dynamic and some power over it, to finally get it right.  

I’m just speculating here, to encourage you to think for yourself why you are staying in the dynamic you describe. You haven’t mentioned anything positive about your relationship, or about Meg.

Another possibility: I wonder if you might be so fearful of being alone that you’re willing to tolerate all sorts of treatment in order to stay in your relationship. Or perhaps you don’t think you deserve to be treated any better than this.

Again, if this is the case, where might this belief be coming from? Understanding why we are stuck in behaviors that keep us miserable can help us to get unstuck.

You have an opportunity to do something different here: Set a boundary and take power over your life. Perhaps if you did so, Meg would surprise you by shifting her stance, which would be good news if you have some good reasons to stay. Or perhaps she would not. Your challenge now is to get some sense of what’s holding you back, if you want something different for yourself. And unless you act on your own behalf, you will stay in this position. 

One more point to consider, regarding Meg’s dinner date with her ex: Whether or not anything is going on, I take your jealousy as a sign that you don’t trust Meg. And without trust, you can’t have a decent relationship.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].

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Advice

Am I addicted to hooking up?

At 34, I don’t like the person I’ve become

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(Photo by edwardolive/Bigstock)

Hi Michael,

When I came to D.C. for college and came out, I was idealistic about finding true love. I made gay friends at school and watched them hooking up all the time.

It seemed like the opposite of what I wanted. I dreamed of meeting “Prince Charming” and living happily ever after. I thought I would put off sex until I met my special guy.

This went on for a while until I got too horny and impatient to keep putting off sex. The boyfriend wasn’t materializing so I went online and hooked up. Actually it was a lot of fun.

Soon I was hooking up as much as any of my friends were. I kept hoping I’d still find my prince. But over time most of my energy shifted to finding guys to have sex with.

Now I’m 34. I’ve been at this a long time and I realized the other day that I don’t like my life.

I haven’t been on a real date in years but I’m hooking up multiple times a week. I’ve been with almost everyone I see on the apps whom I find attractive (where the feeling was mutual). And yes, I’ve been with a lot whom I didn’t find attractive because I was horny.

I look at myself and I think, yuk. I don’t like whom I’ve become.

I feel like I am addicted to hooking up. I just keep craving something. The release but mostly the attention, that the other person finds me hot. After I come, I feel like the whole thing was pointless, and a little disgusted with myself. Advice?

Michael replies:

You’re using hookups not just for sex, but as a way to feel good about yourself by getting positive attention from others.  

But other-validation is like junk food, a sugary snack that staves off hunger for a few minutes and never really fills you up. All those guys you hook up with? The attention feels great, but as you wrote, that feeling lasts until your orgasm. And then you’re back to chasing it.

As with junk food, the other-validation you get when you hook up is a lot of empty calories. Having someone you don’t even know agree to have sex with you says nothing meaningful about your worth or even your attractiveness. 

Yet another problem: If you believe that you need other-validation, you will do all sorts of self-damaging behaviors to get it—such as hookups that leave you feeling empty and disgusted. I’ve seen many people lose their self-respect in the service of getting other people’s positive attention through behaviors that violate their own integrity. Doing things that make you feel bad about yourself in an attempt to feel good about yourself is ironic, and sad.  

The bottom line is that other people can’t “make” you feel good about yourself.  They might give you a small temporary boost, but your self-esteem actually has to come from you. That’s why it’s called self-esteem. Once you are past a certain age, if you don’t believe that you have value, no one else can get you there. You have to validate yourself.

Let’s go big-picture for a moment: It is our parents’ job to teach us that we have value when we are little, and when that doesn’t happen, we often struggle with self-esteem throughout our lives, unless we can find a path to develop our own belief in our worth. In the meantime, we may chase other-validation in a futile attempt to fill ourselves up. 

Other experiences we go through—for example, growing up gay in a hostile environment—can also do a number on how we see ourselves, and leave us grasping for affirmation from others. It takes work to get through and get past the impact of these experiences.

So how do you get better at giving yourself the validation you are seeking? There’s a great saying from the 12-step programs: If you want to have self-esteem, behave in esteemable ways. 

What would it mean for you to behave in a way that you respect? Your letter provides one answer that is true for you: Stop engaging in sexual encounters that leave you disliking yourself.  

Far easier said than done, right? But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Having gotten clarity that you don’t like the life you’ve constructed for yourself, now you actually can do something about it. Keep in mind, though, that you will face some challenges if you stop hooking up.  

First: You may find it isolating and scary to stop doing something that all or most of your friends are doing. You will have to reassure yourself that you’re doing what’s right for you; that you are taking good care of yourself by choosing to avoid behaviors that leave you feeling bad; and that it’s OK to be different from “everyone else.” In other words, you are going to have to get much better at self-validation.

If you have some friends who don’t spend a lot of their time hooking up, they may be good supports for you. Some guys find camaraderie from attending a 12-step program like Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA).

Second: People often use hookups (and sex) not just for sexual gratification, but to soothe anxiety, stress, depression, and other uncomfortable feelings. If you stop hooking up, you will likely need some other ways to keep yourself calm and to steady your mood. Exercise and meditation are two obvious means. 

You’d be wise to figure out new ways to fill your time that give you a sense of meaning and connection. I can’t tell you what those might be; only you can figure out what is right for you. They might include developing or deepening warm friendships, taking good care of yourself, finding a new activity that interests you — the list can go on and on.  

If you still want to find your prince, this is the way to go about it. The cliché is true: You can’t expect anyone to like you unless you like yourself. If you build a life rich in fulfilling pursuits that help you to feel good about who you are and the life you are leading, you will be transforming yourself into relationship material.

Keep in mind, though, that letting yourself get close to someone through a heart connection would mean having to confront all sorts of uncomfortable emotions, including feeling vulnerable, that you have avoided by limiting yourself to crotch attachments. 

That said, working to become a more solid person would help you develop the strength to tolerate the ongoing challenges of a close relationship.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].

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Advice

I want to leave my perfect boyfriend

Good-looking, caring partner is smothering me

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I’ve gotten into what is now a serious relationship because of him, not me. (Photo by Diego Cervo/Bigstock)

Hi Michael,

I’m in a relationship I think I don’t want to be in.

Ed is very sweet and that’s part of the problem. He is always solicitous of me, caring, kind, agreeable. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, which I certainly would do if I dump him.

We’ve gotten into what is now a serious relationship because of him, not me.  He kept asking me out on one date after another, and I kept saying yes.  He proposed being exclusive, and I said yes.  

I was lonely, Ed’s cute and a nice guy, and it felt good to be cared about. 

Ed is great at planning a fun life. Dinners, vacations, socializing. My life is way more exciting than it used to be.  Ed takes the initiative on everything and he’s very good at it.

But I feel smothered, like I don’t have a say in how I live and what I do. We spend all our time together. And my friends are now “our” friends because he always joins me when I get together with them.

I can’t talk about this with him because I don’t think he can handle it. If he sees the least sign of me being upset, he says, “What’s wrong? Are you mad at me?” with this vulnerable tone in his voice. He’s told me he’s afraid of losing me when I’ve shown any unhappiness. 

I’m no longer attracted to him. I don’t know why, he’s as cute as ever.

Sometimes I wonder what’s wrong with me. I have a good-looking, caring boyfriend. So many guys want this. I should be happy. But I’m not.

On the other hand, I’m afraid that if I break up with Ed I will be lonely all over again and maybe never find such a caring person.

Any guidance you have would be appreciated in how to think about this and sort it out.

Michael replies:

This relationship is giving you all sorts of opportunities to become a more solid person.

First point to consider: If you can’t set boundaries, you will spend your life twisting yourself into a pretzel to accommodate others. That’s what is happening now with Ed. 

When we are struggling to succeed at an important life skill, as you are here, it’s helpful to think how our personal history may be contributing to our being stuck.

Some possibilities for you to consider: What example did your parents model? Perhaps they had trouble setting boundaries in their relationships, so you didn’t learn how to do so. Or perhaps when you were growing up, you didn’t have much say about what you could or couldn’t do, so you didn’t learn you could speak up about what is important to you. 

I’m painting with a broad brush here, just to inspire your own thinking. While our lives aren’t rigidly determined by our pasts, the ways that we learned to relate as we grew up do have a powerful influence on how we live in the present. Having some sense of what has shaped our operating system can help us loosen up and try new ways of behaving.

Second (and related) point: You cannot go through life without ever disappointing anyone or you will (as noted above) start to resemble a pretzel. Yes, you’ll likely upset Ed when you tell him that you’re unhappy in the relationship. But if Ed is going to address his clingy and needy behavior, he needs to hear this.  

At their best, relationships challenge us to grow. This relationship is pushing you to tolerate disappointing someone you care about, in the service of saying what you need to say. And guess what? Your letting Ed know where you stand will challenge him to work on his own relational wobbliness. Very cool.

Third point: Why are you not stepping forward with your own ideas about what you want to do and how you want to live? You are letting Ed do all the work. What is up with that?

One obvious explanation: Your difficulty setting a boundary is stopping you from asserting what you want. In other words, your inability to say “no” is leading you to feel stifled in this relationship. Good news: you have the power to change this.

Another possibility: Maybe you don’t actually have much in the way of interests or ideas for what you would like to do, and Ed is merely filling the void so that the two of you have some kind of life together.

If so, I encourage you to start thinking about what is meaningful to you. Developing a self—figuring out what is important to you, what you care about—is one of the great tasks and great joys of being alive. If you just keep doing what others around you want—boyfriends, friends, family—you may keep feeling resentful and will squander your life.

I don’t know if you would actually enjoy being with Ed if you do the work to become a solid person who speaks up about what is important and brings his own agenda to the relationship. While it’s your decision to do so or not, I urge you not to decide based on fear of stepping outside your comfort zone. 

And please consider that this work would help you in any future relationship, if you end things with Ed.

One more point: It’s no surprise that you’ve lost interest in having sex with Ed. Being enmeshed with someone as tightly as you describe your fusion with Ed is a desire-killer.  Perhaps this would change if you give yourself some room to breathe.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].

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