Living
Queery: Max Barger
20 gay questions for the Ackerman Firm attorney
Attorney Max Barger (Blade photo by Michael Key)
Max Barger has dabbled in lots of things — he started his career as a reporter and also worked as a singer/dancer/actor before going to law school in the early ’90s and also earned a master’s of business administration degree. That led to lots of moving around. Barger, who grew up on an Indiana farm, shifted around to Los Angeles, St. Louis, Hilton Head, S.C., and more before coming to the D.C. area four years ago. The Bethesda firm he joined downsized and in March he joined the gay-helmed general practice firm Ackerman Legal where he does estate planning and probate law.
His coming out process was almost as circuitous as his career path. He’d come out years earlier but was, as he puts it “lovingly shoved back in the closet by family and friends who thought they were trying to help me.” This led to frustrating attempts at “ex-gay” therapy, inspired by his conservative and religious Midwest family.
“They were very loving and caring and sincere,” Barger says. “But they were sincerely wrong and I was gullible enough to want that. I wish I could have just had the courage to say no.” Barger eventually made peace with his sexual orientation and says he has a great relationship with his family now. He met his partner of four years, flight attendant Edwin Rosario, at a barbecue hosted by mutual friends. They live together in Arlington with their dog, Gizmo. Barger enjoys singing in the church choir, running, reading and blogging on legal issues and enjoying wine and music. (Washington Blade photo by Michael Key)
How long have you been out and who was the hardest person to tell?
I’ve been out for about a decade. The hardest person to come out to was myself. Admitting it to myself, saying, “I am gay, this is who I am,” was a difficult inner dialogue. After getting over that, although it wasn’t easy to tell my family and loved ones, it was much easier than embracing it and reconciling it in my own mind.
Who’s your gay hero?
No doubt about it, Larry Slagle. Larry is a septuagenarian and fellow Foundry UMC member. Larry’s quiet courage, bravery and perseverance, being a powerful man, who was also gay during a time when it was dangerous to be gay (or should I say “more dangerous?”), is nothing short of inspiring. Unnoticed, Larry blazed a trail, making it easier for all of us. Never outspoken, simply wise and full of integrity.
What is Washington’s best nightspot, past or present?
Wherever the next Capital Area Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce (CAGLCC) Network Thursday event is happening! October’s is at Gucci in Chevy Chase.
Describe your dream gay wedding.
Now that it is possible, an intimate ceremony at Foundry UMC with Pastors Dean and Dee officiating, followed by a reception on a rooftop with a fantastic view of D.C. and in D.C. – the city that lets us get married.
What non-gay issue are you most passionate about?
Personally, my family and beginning the transition of taking care of my parents after their decades of raising and protecting their children. Professionally, educating people about protecting their assets, minimizing taxes and putting a plan in place. Socially, ending the acrimonious nature of politics and extremism.
What historical outcome would you change?
Modern history – the outcome of the 2000 presidential election. Ancient history – Isaac and Ishmael. I’d make them, their mothers and their father all one big happy blended family.
What’s been the most memorable pop culture moment of your lifetime?
I was tiny, but I still remember it – President Nixon’s resignation speech. My Dad sat me on the floor in front of the TV and said, “Watch this. This is important. You will always remember this moment.” I still do.
On what do you insist?
Loyalty.
What was your last Facebook post or Tweet?
Answering that question would expose my dismal lack of posting anything recently.
If your life were a book, what would the title be?
“Official Book Club Selection.” Although I think that’s been taken already.
If science discovered a way to change sexual orientation, what would you do?
I would not wait for that to happen. If I thought that there was funding to research it, I would work to keep such harmful, hateful research from going forward.
What do you believe in beyond the physical world?
Really? In a couple sentences? This is more like a dissertation topic. Suffice to say, my spiritual life is very important to me.
What’s your advice for LGBT movement leaders?
Do good. Harm no one. Stay true to the tenets that first motivated you to lead.
What would you walk across hot coals for?
As an attorney, my answer is always “it depends.” So what are the circumstances in which said hot coals are the obstacle? Is someone’s life threatened if I don’t cross? Clearly, I’d cross for that. Or is the lure untold wealth on the other side of the scorching walk? What’s my motivation? Am I over-thinking this question?
What gay stereotype annoys you most?
That all gay men are sex hounds, motivated primarily by a base desire to have sex with every man who walks by them. The LGBT community’s gay stereotype that annoys me the most is that since we are gay, naturally we are all dyed-in-the-wool Democrats and support the entire Democratic platform. Let’s have a conversation before jumping to conclusions.
What’s your favorite gay movie?
“Broken Hearts Club” – Dean Cain, John Mahoney, Zach Braff. I laughed, I cried, it was better than “Cats.”
What’s the most overrated social custom?
Tipping. We should pay a worker his wage, not hide it in a tip. Tipping is nothing more that civilized bribery.
What trophy or prize do you most covet?
I want to become a fellow of the American College of Trusts and Estate Counsel. I also aspire to earn the designation of accredited estate planner and estate planning law specialist.
What do you wish you’d known at 18?
That I did not need to be ashamed of my personal orientation.
Why Washington?
I moved here for a fantastic career opportunity and I am staying because of the fantastic relationships I have developed.
One of the biggest headaches of the new home process is the actual moving part. By the time someone is buying a home, most people are beyond the “I just need a pickup truck, a pizza and a case of beer for my friends.”
If that is still someone’s preferred way to move, that’s great. However, many people find they need a much more robust plan. It can also trigger a lot of feelings about items one owns, what to do with them, do they have too much, should I keep this memento that I never use? Etc.
Moving is a chance for a person to “clean house” literally, figuratively, spiritually and energetically. A person can figure out which items they want to keep, and which need to go. As someone who recently moved across the country, I can speak to this experience. It’s also time for what people call “the fresh start effect.” This phenomenon, according to psychologists, can happen in little moments (like the start of a new work week) and bigger moments (such as moving from one home to the next).
The fresh start effect offers these benefits often mentioned by psychologists:
- Mental Accounting: Dates act as chapter breaks, letting you put past failures into a previous period.
- Psychological Distance: You separate your flawed past self from your aspirational future self (“That was the old me”).
- Optimism Boost: New beginnings clear mental clutter and increase your sense of agency and control
Does this mean that “the new you” will be the perfect version you envisioned? Probably not. We are humans. But it might mean you get a chance to “leave some of the old you behind” within the walls you used to live in, and now have a chance to have a new layout, a new décor, a new color pattern, new wallpaper, donate old furniture and books or magazines, throw out clothes you no longer use or fit in, and enjoy the opportunity to literally use the, “Does this spark joy?” method that was made so popular by Marie Kondo in her Netflix series.
So, for all its hassle and headache, moving is a chance to shake off the “old you” and try on the new you, to incorporate the items you would like to keep and use more of, and shed the items, habits, and ways of thinking that you feel no longer serve you.
I can speak to the experiences that several of my clients had when they moved from a previous residence to a newer one. It usually coincided with a change in relationship status, a change in employment, a change in family size, but sometimes it just seemed to correlate to a new attitude and perspective that the client was really hoping for.
I have literally had clients come to me after the fact, in tears, that they were so happy they made the decision to move out of a situation that no longer served them, and move into one that felt like a much better fit.
Change can be annoying and overwhelming at times, but usually most people come out the other side, not wanting to return to the way they were before.
Joseph Hudson is a referral agent with RLAH. Reach him at 703-587-0597 or [email protected].
Despite a U.S. political climate that has made electric vehicles about as welcome as a vegan at a Texas barbecue, automakers haven’t gotten the memo. The 2027 BMW iX3 and Rivian R2—in showrooms soon—prove the point. But think of them as distant cousins: one arrives impeccably dressed; the other probably has a kayak strapped to the roof.
BMW iX3
$62,000
Range: Up to 434 miles
0 to 60 mph: 4.7 seconds
Cargo space: 30.4 cu. ft.
PROS: Huge driving range. Distinctive styling. Cutting-edge interior.
CONS: Quirky digital controls. Only one U.S. trim level. Pricey options.
WHAT’S NEW: This is BMW’s first production model on its state-of-the-art Neue Klasse platform, radically changing the technology, cabin and electric drivetrain.
The iX3 arrives on our shores in one trim level, the iX3 50 xDrive. Load it up with options and you can sail well past $80,000.
Depending on configuration, this luxe EV delivers an astonishing range before recharging. And a dual-motor, all-wheel-drive system produces 463 horsepower, which allows you to tootle around as fast as a Porsche 718 sportster.
The new “Panoramic iDrive” spreads information across the base of the windshield, supplemented by a central display and steering-wheel controls. An available 3D head-up display adds even more info. It’s futuristic, busy and unmistakably BMW—like someone decided the dashboard needed its own coming-out party.
Then there’s the “Heart of Joy” computer, which coordinates the motors, braking and steering for sharper responses and smoother control. The name may sound like something from a self-help retreat, but the innovation makes the iX3 seriously entertaining to drive.
You also can charge the iX3 from 10 percent to 80 percent in just 21 minutes. Nice.
This isn’t merely an electric X3 with the gasoline bits removed. It’s a tech reset for BMW. Compared with the R2, the iX3 is more polished, more luxurious…but, alas, considerably pricier.
RIVIAN R2
$45,000
Range: Up to 345 miles
0 to 60 mph: 5.9 seconds
Cargo space: 28.7 cu. ft.
PROS: Affordable luxury. Rugged looks. Clever storage.
CONS: No smartphone integration. No glass-roof shade. Touchy touchscreen.
WHAT’S NEW: Everything—the R2 is Rivian’s all-new, smaller electric SUV, and it brings the brand’s adventure-first attitude to a price point far below the larger R1S.
If the BMW iX3 is wearing a beautifully tailored jacket, the Rivian R2 has its sleeves rolled up.
With edgy styling, this is no anonymous crossover wearing an EV costume. Chunky details. Upright proportions. Distinctive lighting all give off an outdoorsy vibe without turning the R2 into a rolling REI catalog.
There are four configurations, with pricing from $45,000 to $58,000. That’s a big difference from the BMW—and potentially the R2’s biggest weapon.
The stats aren’t shabby, either. Driving range is from 275 to 345 miles. The dual-motor, all-wheel-drive setup produces between 350 horsepower and a frankly bonkers 656 horsepower. And the high-performance model lets you zip from 0-to-60 mph in just 3.6 seconds.
Drag-racing credentials? Absolutely!
Inside, there is lots of clever packaging, with flexible seating and generous storage. This EV is designed to carry actual stuff, not merely impress your neighbors.
Yes, there are quirks. Rivian skips Apple CarPlay and Android Auto, while everyday controls—some of which are less than intuitive—live on the touchscreen. And the panoramic glass roof lacks a conventional shade. Huh?
For some owners, those will be minor annoyances. For others, they’ll become daily reminders that Rivian marches to its own beat.
Perhaps that’s not a bad thing, though. The R2 feels less buttoned-up, more mischievous. It’s the automotive equivalent of Billy Porter ignoring the dress code and somehow looking better than everyone who followed it.
Advice
We’re getting married but our parents object
Will their disapproval and shortcomings derail our hopes for a happy life?
Dear Michael,
My girlfriend and I are getting married! We’re really excited, but we’ve got some big concerns as well.
All of our parents have had multiple marriages. I think 10 between the four of them. So we don’t have much in the way of role models for a successful marriage.
Also, we don’t have any parental support. Except for one of my ex-stepmothers whom I’m close to, none of our parents are happy that their daughter is getting married to another woman. That’s an understatement. Religious objections, moral objections, being angry that we’re “embarrassing them,” these are some of the things we’ve been told.
We do have some supportive siblings and step-siblings, which is great, although they’re getting pushback from parents about attending our wedding.
Given all this, what suggestions do you have for how we can make a go of our marriage? The divorce rate is over 50 percent for everyone. With all this baggage, we’re worried that we have even less of a chance. Thank you.
Michael replies:
First, congratulations!
Regarding your lack of family support: I’m sorry that you both have to deal with so much criticism, disdain, and judgment. Please don’t let your parents’ negativity influence your own views of yourselves and your relationship. Focus instead on the love and caring you will get from friends, community and the family who are present on your big day (I hope your siblings are brave enough to make it!). Being the recipients of that support is one of the sweetest parts of getting married.
Don’t worry about the high divorce rate. While some couples really shouldn’t stay married, lots of people get divorced because they don’t know what is required to have a good marriage, or don’t put in the effort to do so. That does not have to be your fate.
Similarly, your parents’ terrible track record doesn’t mean you have to repeat their marital histories. The skills to have a strong marriage are learnable.
To that end, here are the best tips I can offer the two of you:
- If you want a loving marriage, be a loving partner. Don’t snipe, sulk, or do the silent treatment when you’re mad. Unconditional love is largely a myth. Even our dogs won’t love us if we are mean to them.
- Don’t spend much time or effort focusing on what your spouse is doing wrong or how she is letting you down. Doing so leads to resentment and feeling like you’re a powerless victim. Instead, ask yourself what your own contribution is to the problem, and what you can do to make things better. You don’t have much power over your partner, but you have a lot of power over yourself.
You can certainly ask your spouse for what you’d like from her, but don’t expect to always get it. And don’t base your own wellbeing or good behavior on what your partner does or doesn’t do.
- Because any two people are always different in some important ways, there is no way that you both can always want the same things, or think the same way, or have the same priorities. Accept this! There has to be room for each of you to be an individual, not only part of a couple.
- Be generous as often as you can be, and have a boundary when it’s important for you to have one.
- When your spouse states that she has a boundary, respect it. Do not push her to back off from something that is important to her.
- Don’t keep score, including how much more you do or how often you don’t get your way. Instead, work together to have a collaborative marriage where you work together to make decisions and get things done.
- Strive not to weigh the relationship down with neediness. Once we’re grownups, it’s mainly our own job to soothe ourselves. You don’t want to burn out your partner’s empathy.
Of course you can ask for a hug, love, reassurance, support, advice, and a shoulder to cry on when you’re down. Just aim be the first person you turn to when you’re upset, and do your best to keep your own mood steady.
- Do not wait for your significant other to go first. Not on planning a date, not on apologizing, not on loading the dishwasher or cleaning the bathroom. If you wait for her to make the first move, you will have a resentful relationship where nothing good ever happens.
Keeping these principles part of your operating system, even — and especially — at those moments when your spouse isn’t doing her best, will go a long way toward helping you build and maintain a loving and happy marriage.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C., Maryland, Virginia, New York, and all PSYPACT states. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].
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