Arts & Entertainment
Hook-up addiction?
Apps and sex sites offer quick thrills, but could keep you from the LTR you seek
(Photo courtesy bigstock.com)
Dear Michael,
I seem to be spending more and more time on my phone lately, looking for hookups, but I’m having some doubts that this is all good. Pro: I’m meeting lots of hot guys and having a lot of hot sex. Con: I still am not in a relationship and want to have a boyfriend. Pro: All my friends are on the same apps and we have a lot of fun comparing notes. Con: We don’t seem to talk about much else. Pro: It gives me a rush and feels fun. Con: I think it’s eating up all my time. Pro: It’s fun to be able to meet guys quickly, wherever I am. Con: I almost had an accident while looking for guys on my phone while driving through North Carolina.
What do you think?
Possibly Screwed by my App
Dear Screwed,
Hooking up with people and the hunt for hookups, can feel great. Our brains produce chemicals that give us intense feelings of pleasure not just when we have sex, but also as we move toward getting naked: during foreplay, while we’re flirting, and — if we’re using an app to look for potential partners — when we take the very first step of launching the app. So, as you start scanning all those alluring possibilities on your phone, you are triggering a neurochemical response in your brain that can create an awesome high.
The problem is, because simply getting on the app makes you feel good, you are likely to get on it more and more often. And because actually finding hookups makes you feel good, you can easily get obsessed with chasing this particular high.
If it sounds like I’m using the language of addiction: You’re right, I am.
Now, let’s look at your situation from a slightly different perspective. The road to hooking up can be a speedy route to feeling attractive and desired. The validation we get, from both hookups and potential hookups, can seem like a powerful self-esteem boost. Typically, this leads us to pursue more and more hookups. Gay men, who usually have a core experience of feeling different and defective, are highly susceptible to this sort of fix.
Some problems with this: The boost is fleeting, because external praise for our surface attributes doesn’t really change how we feel about ourselves and we are likely to spend more and more time chasing short-lived validation from people we hardly know. If you don’t actually feel good about endlessly pursuing hookups, then hanging out with your app will ultimately lower your self-esteem. This is the opposite of what you’re looking for — and what you feel like you’re getting — when you launch the app.
The upshot is, you may be addicted to an experience that is keeping you hunting for hookups, even though you say you want a relationship. And because the particular high of intense excitement that you are chasing is a very different experience from the intimacy and commitment of a relationship, you are conditioning your brain to crave hookups, and their pursuit, rather than something more long-term.
If you want to make a change, you would benefit tremendously from strong support, because it isn’t easy to stop a behavior with such seductive and pleasurable payoffs, even if there are also negative consequences. You report that all your friends are similarly engaged, which makes it difficult to do something different. Consider looking for an additional social network (live rather than virtual) and perhaps a therapist knowledgeable about this issue to help you broaden your sources of pleasure, stimulation and connection.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at personalgrowthzone.com. All identifying information in the questions has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected]
Celebrity News
Fashion icon Bob Mackie dead at 87
Designing legend to all the divas, gone but not forgotten
To those still reeling from the loss of Dolly Parton and Tim Curry, we have another queer icon to add to the In Memoriam of 2026: Bob Mackie. A designer known for being extra, before that was even a thing, has left us with a legacy of looks and an indelible mark on fashion.
The news broke on his Instagram account Monday, Sept. 14, with the message:
“It is with a heavy heart that we share the news that Mr. Bob Mackie passed away today. He lived his 87 years to the fullest, fulfilling his dream of being a fashion and costume designer, which is all he ever wanted to do. His genius and extraordinary designs will live on forever, continuing to bring beauty into this world.” According to People magazine, he passed away in Palm Springs, Calif., due to pneumonia.
At 87, Mackie is the definitive designer for divas. Mackie has literally dressed them all, including Diana Ross, Whitney Houston, Barbara Streisand, Dolly Parton, Tina Turner, Bette Midler, Bernadette Peters, and even RuPaul. He’s dressed film and television icons like Raquel Welch, Lynda Carter, Goldie Hawn, and Jennifer Lopez. It’s not just female divas; he’s also done many of Elton John’s famous costumes as well as David Bowie’s.
His first major mark was drawing the first design of Marilyn Monroe’s famous “Happy Birthday, Mr. President” dress. Next, he was an assistant to costume designer Ray Aghayan on “The Judy Garland Show.” The two would carry on a professional and romantic partnership for 50 years until Aghayan’s passing in 2011.
Mackie then went on to do all of the costumes for “The Carol Burnett Show,” creating an estimated 17,000 costumes for her show’s 11-year run. This gave him much critical acclaim and notoriety, making him a permanent fixture in the variety show market.
He became a frequent collaborator of Cher, having made her famous midriff-revealing Oscar gown, her “If I Could Turn Back Time” costume, and being her designer for her various television shows, including “The Sonny and Cher Show.” He even designed costumes for her Farewell Tour. The two are synonymous with him having lent his artistic sensibilities to give her a distinct look. Cher even said in 2024, “He helped me create a different me.”
Mackie has left his mark on fashion with a distinct style of glamorous, over-the-top looks. He received the monikers the “Sultan of Sequins,” the “Rajah of Rhinestones,” and the “Guru of Glitter” for challenging the line between costume and fashion with lots of fringe, flash, and over-the-top eye-catching elements. He’s managed to retain a presence not just in entertainment but in the fashion industry for decades. Most recently, one of his outfits was a major plot point for the final season of “Hacks.”
Mackie has received his share of awards and acknowledgments. In addition to dressing many people for the Oscars, he received three nominations, including dressing Diana Ross for “Lady Sings the Blues.” He won a Tony Award for “The Cher Show.” He won nine Emmy Awards and received 30 nominations for his prolific television work.
Luckily, Mackie’s life was celebrated before his passing, receiving various Lifetime achievement awards including the Geoffrey Beene CFDA Lifetime Achievement Award, being honored by the Television Hall of Fame, and receiving “RuPaul’s Drag Race”‘s Giving Us Life-time Achievement Award. He was the first guest judge on the popular series.
It’s clear that not only was Mackie talented, he was magical. He gave a bit of stardust to countless celebrities, luminaries, and public figures with looks that not only defied expectations but managed to be truly spectacular. He’s part of the glitz we think of when we think of Hollywood, and while often elaborate costumes, the shrewd fashion sense and elegance cannot be denied. Mackie will be missed, but his work lives on in the countless pieces still in circulation and forever captured on film and in media.
The 29th annual SMYAL Fall Brunch was held at the Marriott Marquis on Sunday, Sept. 13.
(Washington Blade photos by Michael Key)
Books
Dolly Parton biography puts her hardships into context
‘Ain’t Nobody’s Fool’ a highly researched tome not to be missed
‘Ain’t Nobody’s Fool: The Life and Times of Dolly Parton’
By Martha Ackmann
c.2026, St. Martin’s Press
$30/304 pages
Not too bright.
That’s what people once thought about you. Your language didn’t conform, you had your own sense of style, and you were ignorant about modern things and places and foods. But you were no dummy. You were different, and you had a secret: as in the new biography, “Ain’t Nobody’s Fool: The Life and Times of Dolly Parton” by Martha Ackmann, you knew exactly where you were going.
When Avie Lee Owens and Lee Parton first married, they had the very basics: “two knives, two forks, two spoons, a skillet, a butcher knife, and an old iron kettle.” He was 17; she was 15. Babies came quick. The fourth one was named Dolly, after two great-aunts.
Almost from the time she could walk, Dolly sang. Before she was old enough to attend school, she wrote poetry, and she’d begun to notice rhythms and beats she could make with her fingers. As a schoolchild, she created her own musical instruments out of scraps, and she was eager to perform whenever anyone asked her – and they asked often, because Dolly Parton was a nice girl, and her sense of humor conveyed a warmth that drew people in.
Growing up in the Tennessee mountains, Parton was independent, shunning marriage and child-raising, instead focusing on a dream of being a star. By the time she was in high school, she’d had a regular gig on local television but she recognized that there were few opportunities for fame in the mountains, so she left for Nashville the day after high school graduation, with the snickers of naysayers ringing in her ears.
She stayed with an aunt and uncle there, and she beat the streets, dined on grocery store samples to get by, and missed her family and friends. And they worried about her, but they knew nothing would derail her plans. They knew Dolly would be fine.
As a friend said, “’She had her head on pretty good.’”
Chances are that if you’ve listened to music any time in the last 60 years, you’ve heard Dolly Parton through her words or her music or both. Now you need to learn more about her, and “Ain’t Nobody’s Fool” is where to do it.
Here’s a biography that grabs you on the first page with the tiniest bit of family tree, but not so much that you get bored with it. Author Martha Ackmann writes about Dolly Parton’s early life, putting hardships and experiences in context, both personally and historically. There are name-drops, but not overly so, as Ackmann takes you through Parton’s career, her heartbreaks, her marriage, and her years with Porter Wagoner, in detail but not dramatically embellished or outrageously told. It’s a biography that’s just right, sourced well and written with a fresh take that, like its subject, tells a good story.
Fans, of course, will want this highly researched book but music lovers of any age or type will eat it up. That means you, so use up that Christmas gift certificate. “Ain’t Nobody’s Fool” just shines.
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Historiography with heart
