Commentary
Mother of slain gay youth speaks out
Promoting power of kindness to heal our broken world
I told myself I would not do it again: explain who I am and who my son was as an introduction to my story. I love writing, but how many times can I talk about the horrific things that happened? What you need to know: he was gay, Jewish, and the victim of a hate crime. This tragedy propelled me into the public eye and gave me a chance to be an outspoken advocate for the LGBTQIA+ community, and it also ended the beautiful life of my son Blaze Bernstein. He should be enjoying gay pride month this June, but instead his body lies in an Orange County cemetery since January 2018. He died at just 19 years of age.
I donāt want to be a captive storyteller, forced to regurgitate our sad truth and the story of how we endured Blazeās disappearance and violent death. I want to talk about the great things we have accomplished since then and the miraculous things people around the country did and continue to do to show their support for those who identify as queer and for the kindness movement we wholeheartedly embraced when we started #BlazeitForward in honor of Blaze. The story of my brilliant and kind son who was going to change the world, should not start with the horrific ending of his life. The story should start with hope because his life started with and even in death continues to give hope to all of us.
The night he disappeared many of my dreams for my family ended and a radical new timeline began. I came out of the closet as a supporter of LGBTQIA+ and a parent of a gay teen. While Blaze was alive and living in the closet, he was not comfortable with us participating in any activities that would draw attention to his sexual orientation. While we encouraged him to live openly, he was young and we respected his right to āoutā himself. We will never know how our failure to educate ourselves and our family on how best to support a gay child impacted the tragedy that came to us.
Our family lived in the shadow of the normative Orange County world that we raised him in that did not understand the needs of gay teenagers or the dangers they face both from alienation that can lead to teen suicide nor did we understand the dangers posed by malevolent outsiders and ignorant peers, teachers and strangers. It was this revelation after his death that spurred our entry into the public eye when the opportunity arose.
My husband Gideon and I made the quick decision that Blazeās death should herald a new age of sex positivity. We also wanted to do something about the stereotypes and hateful tropes we heard about Jewish people and that inundated the media. While Blaze would not live to see a world where his uniqueness and kindness became an ideal, we live to promote it. We exposed the haters and hate groups as we did the unthinkable: put our mourning on hold and immediately used his death to educate the public about the danger hate groups such as Atomwaffen pose to all of us. We also began promoting the power of kindness to heal our broken world and to promote and support LGBTQIA+ community and ethnic diversity.
As the years after his death progressed, a pattern began to develop. The polarization in political, religious and sexual beliefs became unmanageable in our country. We could not come together to fight the pandemic when it began. Civil unrest ensued. Corruption and racism exposed throughout the United States caused rioting and more polarization. Reforms were proposed. People began to see the need for learning how to have respectful discourse. Some became more sensitive and either apologetic for wrongs against the marginalized or outraged by the way the system has kept us marginalized. No one was left untouched by the violence, inequity, and unhappiness that was left in the wake of the events of the last few years.
We coined the term #BlazeitForward and use it to encourage people to do intentional kind acts in honor of Blaze and his legacy. My husband and I spent the last few years powering the Facebook public group #BlazeitForward where we encourage our members to post stories of kindness, community philanthropy and everyday miracles. We also oversee endowments created in Blazeās name that fuel college scholarships, the Blaze Bernstein school of Culinary Arts at the Merage Jewish Community Center, annual Orange County School of the Arts conservatory funding, an annual Real Arts internship for the University of Pennsylvania, and annual donations to various foundations such as homeless shelters, Orangewood Foundation, the Human Relations Council, Second Harvest Food Bank, Childrenās Hospital of Orange County, Tillyās Life Center, the Anti-Defamation League, The LGBTQ Center of Orange County, and The City of Hope, to name a few.
In addition to our advocacy for marginalized people and Holocaust education, we speak out against homophobia and hate groups, conversion therapy, bullying and hate speech. We do all of this to give life to Blazeās legacy of kindness while we await the commencement of the criminal trial set to begin by the fall of this year.
In June we stand proud with good people around the country and celebrate Gay Pride. I cringe at the absurdity that I could not do this with Blaze. We ācame outā and support the LGBTQIA+ community because there are parents out there who do not know what to do or say to help their LGBTQIA+ children. Hearing me speak out could be the first time, they learn the importance of giving these kids acceptance and love.
If you want to repair the world, you need to start at home with your own family. Do it right now. Call your younger siblings and tell them you are a proud supporter of this community. Give your teen a hug and tell them that their sexual orientation is not something they need to hide ā you love them and support them unconditionally. Tell your kids that hate in any form and for any reason is something you will not support. Educate your kids on hate groups, the Holocaust, the dangers of ethnocentrism and the beauty of diversity. Go to a Pride parade. Show your support for and be curious about people who aredifferent. Listen non-judgmentally to the stories of others. Join the #BlazeitForward group on Facebook. Create a legacy of kindness in your family.
Jeanne Pepper is a writer and the mother of Blaze Bernstein, who was killed in an anti-LGBTQ hate crime.
Commentary
Boarding the Celebrity ASCENT in Barcelona
Itās that time of year, and I am in Barcelona to board the beautiful Celebrity ASCENT for what I hope will be another memorable 13-day transatlantic cruise back to Fort Lauderdale. It is my annual trip. First, itās two fun days in a city I love. Barcelona is a wonderful walking city, with great food and people. I look forward to seeing many friends I often see only once a year on this annual cruise, and to meeting new ones. This year there will be about 80 people in our group who all book with my travel agent My Lux Cruise, based in Texas. Over the years, owners Scott Moster, and his husband Dustin Ruffatto, have become good friends. I have suggested a couple of trips to them, which they then planned. Turns out they were popular. One was last yearās trip to the Galapagos where we had 32 in our group, on a ship with only 100 people. Then we have our upcoming cruise in June of 2025, a 12-day round trip from Southampton, England, on the beautiful Celebrity APEX, to the Norwegian Fjords and the Arctic Circle. I canāt wait for that one as it has been on my bucket list for years. It is my understanding we have about 100 already booked on that trip. Now on this yearās transatlantic I decided to pamper myself a little, and upgraded to the Retreat, the fancier part of the ship.
I will be boarding the ASCENT on Saturday, Oct. 26 and will arrive in Fort Lauderdale at 7 a.m. on Friday, Nov. 8. Yes, I will be away for the election, but I have voted. I also reminded all the other Americans going, to do the same. I will be in Bermuda on Election Day. While I am staying positive Harris and Walz will win, a number of us have discussed whether if the orange ogre wins, can we convince the captain to turn the ship around and head back to Spain. Again, I am sure the people of the United States canāt be insane enough to let that happen.
Knowing a lot of people on the ship makes life on board really pleasant. For those of you who have read my blogs before, and I will be writing a blog again this year, you know I have a set schedule on the ship. Up at 7 a.m. and have coffee, juice, and a bagel, delivered to the room. Then I open the balcony door, and write for a couple of hours. Then itās off to the gym for an hour, have to work off that bagel, and then maybe meet friends in the Retreat lounge for a cappuccino. Then maybe meet some friends for a light lunch in the Oceanview buffet. Then itās a tough afternoon of hanging out on the sundeck, and maybe even having a mudslide, or a strawberry daiquiri, if someone twists my arm. Am I getting you tired already from my exhausting schedule? Then itās back to the room to relax and change for the LGBTQ happy hour, and then the big decision of the day. Dinner and show, or show and then dinner? Decisions, decisions. There are four regular dining rooms and six specialty restaurants. I anticipate trying them all during the cruise and will be writing about them.
There are eight sea days and four stops during the cruise. The first stop is Alicante, Spain, and then the next is Gibraltar and a visit to its monkeys. Then itās two days at sea to our next stop, Punta Delgada, in the Azores. Then four days at sea until we reach Bermuda. Then another two days until we dock in Fort Lauderdale. I actually love the sea days the best, just relaxing on the ship. I am hoping as always to do some interviews with the performers, and have an appointment set to interview the cruise director. With any luck I will get an interview with the captain. Interesting that even though my blogs, and interviews, have generated business for Celebrity, their PR department always makes things more difficult than they have to be. In referring to them I will borrow Tim Walzās word, āweird.ā Hope you will read and enjoy the blog posts over the next two weeks.
Peter Rosenstein is a longtime LGBTQ rights and Democratic Party activist.
Commentary
To West Africa with love
Thoughts on Ghanaian tradition, queerness, and Western imperialism
You may know by now that Ghanaās parliament has just passed one of the harshest laws against its LGBTQ citizens in West Africa. Many advocates, activists, LGBTQ people, and allies are still trying to process why and how this happened.
During this announcement a person Iām closely tied to was in Juaben, Ghana.
They were celebrating the life and passing of their grandmother, who happens to be a Queen Mother (Juabenhemaa) of the Asante Kingdom in Ghana. It was an elaborate two week traditional ceremony with both private and public events and was attended by thousands as well as the whoās who in Ghana including President Nana Akufo Addo himself.
As a history major, a cultural enthusiast and Afro-futurist, I was excited to have first hand accounts with photos and videos of all the ceremonies and to see beautiful Ghanaian royalty and people in their decorated clothes, dress, dance, and tradition. While at the same time supporting my loved one virtually.
About four days into the two week ceremony, my person in Ghana texted me about a male dancer wearing traditional womenās clothes, wearing makeup with a stuffed buttocks. They found it intriguing and was eager to share with me. In this traditional space, it was normalized and the cultural dancer continued to even dance with other men at the ceremony.
They reported to me that some of the young anti-LGBTQ Ghanian Americans at the ceremony were disgusted and confused. One remarked āWhat? Is this ‘Drag Race now?ā as the colorfully dressed person continued to skillfully dance their traditional dance in honor of the Asante Queen Mother.Ā
Four days later the anti-LGBTQ law passed through the parliament of Ghana, devastating LGBTQ Ghanians, advocates, allies, and diaspora.
The bill now awaits the presidentās signature to be enacted.
As I read through the 36-page long document called Promotion of Proper Human Sexual Rights and Ghanaian Family Values Bill of 2021, the basis document for this legislation, it includes repetitive emphasis of resistance to foreign imposition and the maintenance of Ghanaian values, culture, sovereignty, and independence and rejection of homosexuality. The document is a combination of the efforts of various groups including Christian organizations, Muslim organizations, family rights organizations, and the traditional chiefs of Ghana.
I found it interesting that there was but one paragraph that mentioned the importance of protecting the lives of LGBTQ people. Can you guess which one group (Christian organizations, Muslim organizations, Family rights organizations and the traditional chiefs of Ghana) was solely appealing to protect the lives of LGBTQ people in the bill?Ā
The National House of Chiefs, the group most steeped in Ghanaian historical and cultural tradition, made some attempt within the document to shield the lives of LGBTQ people from harm.
Time and time again, advocates have purported that it is indeed the hatred of queer people that is an imposition. Yet they are Christian and family value organizations funded by the right wing organizations that claim to protect local culture and values but instead create divisions that threaten the livelihoods of their Ghanaian queer families.
It begs the question, What is so western about LGBTQ people?
If we are being completely honest, the language, culture and framework is certainly western.
The expression of self was never demonized in many now erased cultures across the world but the idea and framework of queerness today is.
The LGBTQ movement is largely a western movement and culture. From the rainbow flag to its terminology. Today LGBTQ/queer is the language we use universally to describe people whose self and sexual expression is not mainstream.
During colonization, many cultural indigenous traditions were lost including the language we used to identify our family and communities. It was then replaced with Christianity used as a tool to control and restrict ā as it continues to do so today.
Indigenous Native Americans are fortunate to have retained their language and some of their culture. Their language of two-spirit makes room culturally for those Indigenous people we would call queer today.
There are countless examples of cultures within West African traditions and culture that have celebrated and have space and language for their ātwo-spiritā people as described by the Native Americans or their āDagaraā people as described by people from the Ghanaian neighboring country Burkina Faso.
That said, as a result of our erased cultures today, LGBTQ/queer is the language and culture we have globally adopted – obviously to the ire of those who donāt quite understand their own culture.
Regardless of language, culture or foreign imposition, there is no excuse for the hatred, exclusion, and persecution of any group of people ā period.
From Uganda in East Africa, Ghana, West Africa to St. Vincent in the Eastern Caribbean the sentiment remains the same where there seems to be a confusion around cultural identity and the clutching onto an idea of sovereignty in efforts to continue to resist years of colonial oppression, imposition, and trauma.
We havenāt even begun to discuss how Christianity, another colonial tool, has culturally divided us and has our societal progress in a chokehold.
However, as a futurist, it is not helpful to remain in a place of blame, anger and self pity ā it gets us nowhere. This is the hand that we have been dealt and we must work in various ways to build up our businesses and to nurture and grow families, communities, and our people.
And so I offer this piece to the brave advocates across various post colonial landscapes ā draw close to the cultures and identities from whence you came. Activists like Lady Phyll and Alex Kofi Donor have remained entrenched within their cultural tradition signifying that being queer identifying people and being African in identity and culture arenāt mutually exclusive.
We ought to be bold in addressing and working with external groups ā the extremely tough and dangerous part of advocacy ā entering churches, parliaments, universities, and being visible and contributing citizens not only within local queer communities but outside of the silos and enclaves of our safe spaces. That visibility puts a human face and personality to our cause. We must be our own politicians. Building real relationships with folks who we may not always agree with but who we may see eye to eye with on other issues. Start showing up for other marginalized groups besides our own.
And perhaps Iām blinded by the context of the advocacy done in little Barbados, perhaps itās a safer place these days, an easier place to exercise this level of visibility … maybe.
What I do know is that we need to employ thoughtful strategy to our advocacy efforts because it was the strategy of the colonial powers that got us in this situation in the first place.
And it will be our understanding of our own people and the application of strategic thinking that will get us out.
Commentary
On National Coming Out Day: No more silent compromises
Rejecting half-truths, embracing the whole me, and redefining my worth
Though I’ve never lived “in the closet” over the years, I realized I hadn’t fully stepped out of it in every aspect of life. While I embraced being out, certain moments hindered my personal and professional growth.
Have you ever let someone assume something about your life, like having a wife or girlfriend, because it was easier than correcting them? Perhaps you thought, “I’m not in the closet, so it doesn’t matter.” But looking back, did it matter?
This question lingered in my mind for far too long. We must ask whether our actions reflect who we are or if we’re choosing a more convenient version of ourselves. When someone asked, “Is your girlfriend coming to happy hour?” I wasn’t offended, but I wasn’t being entirely authentic, either.
As a gay man, I found it flattering when people assumed I was straight. Was I accepting it as validation of my masculinity? Perhaps. But over time, I realized that allowing these assumptions to persist wasn’t as harmless as I initially believed.
I’ve been fortunate never to experience the closet. The unwavering support from my family, friends, and colleagues has empowered me to live authentically.
Having a family was, and still is, my guiding light. But by my late 20s, that vision began to fade. By my mid 30s, I saw family life, as a gay man, was a possibility, but I buried myself in building a company. I convinced myself that balancing family and business was unattainable since finding someone with shared values seemed impossible. But was it?
As an entrepreneur, I’ve experienced the highs and lows of building something from scratch, always embracing challenges. Itās easy when you love what you do. Like building a business, personal growth is shaped by what you choose to invest in and what you attract into your life. Despite my successes, something still felt misaligned. What was I doing wrong?
I remember moments like vendors taking us to after-hours bars or strip clubs. I recall one instance at a national expo when a vendor took us to a female strip club. I’ve never enjoyed strip clubs, gay or straight; I’d instead host a dinner party. Early into the night, someone arranged a lap dance for me, and I jokingly asked if she could switch places with the security guy. We both laughed, but here’s the issue: I never told them why I got up and left, only her. At that moment, did I sell myself short? Would it affect our partnership? I wasn’t in the closet but wasn’t entirely out either.
Another moment came in my 30s when I was learning how to navigate dating. A friend suggested I downplay my career to avoid intimidating potential partners. I agreed initially but eventually asked myself: Why should I downplay my accomplishments to make others comfortable? By minimizing my worth, I wasn’t just being inauthentic; I was undervaluing myself and the hard work I put into it. What was I trying to attract into my life?
As my journey continued, I became increasingly aware of what I was inviting into my life. My personal and professional lives were out of alignment. When I opened an office in India, I came out to the local director before signing business documents. Why? Friends and colleagues struggle because their business partners don’t know their authentic selves, and I refused to let this happen. More importantly, I owed being genuine to myself.
Many of us create barriers between our personal and professional lives. While change can be difficult, I needed to align them. We believe we’re not lying because we’re “not in the closet.” But by not fully expressing our authentic selves, we hold ourselves back. For me, dismantling those barriers allowed me to transform what I was attracting into my life, personally and professionally.
Had I not become self-aware, I’d still be stuck in a cycle of inauthenticity, missing out on my full potential. Without changing my mindset, I would have continued letting others’ assumptions define me and limit my growth. I only began breaking free from that cycle by fully embracing my true self.
Even though I’ve never lived in the closet, I still fear what being this open might bring. But that’s precisely why I need to do it. My personal and professional allies have shown unwavering support, standing by me through everything. To those who have supported me on this journey, thank you, it’s now my turn to support others.
Authenticity isn’t just a choice; it’s essential for a fulfilled life. You must ask, you must act, and yes, you will fail and learn along the way, but that’s OK. Every time you act, you move closer to your authentic self. Embrace vulnerability and the discomfort of feeling exposed, it’s then you will begin to reclaim your strength.
To the person on the partner track who’s afraid to bring their partner to a company retreat: bring them! To the young adult worried about being kicked out of the house: seek local support; someone will help you! To the person fearful of losing their job because of who they are: quit! To the person who wants a family, look around; someone shares those values! If someone offers to set you up with a girl or guy, ask if they have a brother or sister, and you might get a date! To those still searching for the right partner, ditch the apps and be present!
I kept my personal life “private” for years because I thought, “I’m not in the closet.” I’m not referring to social media; this is about deep-rooted beliefs that live rent-free in our minds, filtering our responses and decisions. While writing this piece, I mistakenly typed, “I’m not out,” perhaps it wasn’t a mistake; it was a sign. I am grateful those filters expired long ago and are now evicted for living rent-free.
We live in a world where mental health is still stigmatized. Small acts of inauthenticity can cause anxiety that spills into our professional lives. It makes us seem “off” and can lead to missed opportunities. Worst of all, you may feel trapped and remain silent.
It’s time to stop allowing these things to hold us back. We must discuss mental health, authenticity, and their impact on our lives. The journey isn’t about becoming someone new; it’s about shedding what doesn’t define you so you can fully embrace who you’ve always been.
As I continue my journey, I will do so boldly, out loud, and unapologetically. Note to readers: If you’re struggling, want to discuss this topic further, or just need a virtual coffee chat, feel free to reach out via Instagram, @gregorybarretta.Ā
Gregory Barretta is a serial entrepreneur overseeing several companies, committed to mentoring, leading, and empowering others to grow.
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