Dear Michael, 

When I met my husband seven years ago, I was super attracted to him and we had a really hot sex life.

That feeling has been waning for a while and now I am just not feeling it. 

I know that people get older, gain weight, get less attractive over time but that’s not the case here. Ben is as good looking as ever. But I have little desire to have sex with him.

It bothers me that I don’t really want to have sex with the guy I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. 

Is this why everyone else I know has an open relationship? Is there something I can do to want to have sex with my husband again?

This is causing major problems in my marriage. I don’t initiate anymore and half the time I find an excuse to not have sex when Ben initiates. He knows something is up but I usually blame it on work stress or not feeling well. I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

Aside from this, I love Ben and we have a lot of fun together. We’re very close, talk about all sorts of stuff, but not this.

Michael replies:

Pretty much everyone in a long-term relationship has to deal with decreased desire at some point.

Sex changes after you’ve been with your partner for a while. Sex is not going to be as easy, hot, and irresistible as it was at the beginning of the relationship. Newness generates a lot of the sexual heat at the outset of a relationship, and when the newness is gone, you don’t easily feel the same sizzling excitement that you felt when you first met.

Unfortunately, the kind of sex that people have at the beginning of a relationship is totally glorified in our culture as the gold standard of sex.  

I say “unfortunately” because it’s not possible to consistently have the hot sex of a new relationship, ongoing, with a long-term partner. So if you think that is the best or only kind of sex to have, you will be contemptuous of anything else, and you will be disappointed in your sex life with your partner as time marches on.

But the sizzling sex people have at the start of a relationship is just one way to have sex. If you are willing to be imaginative, and are open to change, there are many other kinds of sex that can be wonderful. 

How about sex for emotional connection? Sex for physical closeness?  Sex for romance? Sex to celebrate just being together?

So, consider changing (not lowering!) your expectations. Rather than sulking or moping that you don’t want to spontaneously jump Ben’s bones, be open to having sex with your husband that is based more on your relationship and on your love for each other.

Now, here’s a whole other angle to consider: While the excitement of a new partner often fades, there are still ways to generate excitement and passion in a long-term relationship by taking risks and revealing yourself more deeply.  Stick with me and I’ll explain.

• You haven’t said anything to Ben about your waning interest. I encourage you to re-think this. You would be much better positioned to tackle this issue collaboratively. Not talking about how stuck you feel is likely to deepen your feeling of shame and fear that something is wrong. Speaking with Ben about what is actually a fairly common couples’ issue could be a relief.
• Ironic as this may seem, the closer two people are, the less comfortable they may be being frankly sexual with each other. Clients often tell me that they are more comfortable expressing their real desires to someone they hardly know (or don’t know at all) than to their significant other. For one thing, the more your partner means to you, the more you may fear rejection if you reveal sexual feelings and desires that might upset or even shock your partner. For another, as couples get closer, sex may start to feel like too much closeness, and avoiding sex may be a way to create some space. 

Not speaking up about what is important keeps you distant from your partner and drains your relationship of vitality. A powerful antidote to this: work toward becoming a person who can take risks, tolerate discomfort and uncertainty, and be able stand on your own when you don’t get your partner’s validation. 

Talking with Ben, whether it’s about your lack of spontaneous desire for sex, or about sexual interests you may be keeping from him for fear of judgment, would involve your making uncomfortable moves that might lead to Ben’s judgment or even rejection. But doing so would also, of course, allow the possibility of more happening between you sexually. It would also let Ben know you better, thereby deepening the level of intimacy in your relationship. Making these moves could also be inherently exciting, which —guess what—could help to shake you out of your sexual doldrums and bring more passion and life into your relationship. 

Similarly, you might start initiating. Even if you’re afraid it won’t go well and even if you’re not feeling it. That is the only way you are going to figure out how to have satisfying long-term sex. Take the need for an erection or orgasm off the table. Sex with your partner should not be a performance. Go for closeness, connection, and what feels good. And challenge yourself to go places that you are uncomfortable about going. 

If any of this intrigues you, “Passionate Marriage” and “Intimacy and Desire,” both by David Schnarch, explore how your sexual connection can deepen over time in a long-term relationship.

Finally, with regard to your considering an open relationship as a remedy: Do you think that would enhance the sexual connection between you and Ben?

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].

Dear Michael,

My boyfriend dumped me in April and I can’t get past it. I’m sad all the time and I’m always thinking about Leo, our time together, and how I ruined things. I pushed for too much, too quickly, and I’m afraid I came across as desperate. 

Leo was my idea of a great boyfriend. He’s sexy, he’s funny, he loves travel and going out dancing (both of which I love).   

He told me when we started dating that he liked keeping things light. That was OK with me. I barely knew him and didn’t know that I would want anything serious. But as I got to know him, my feelings changed. 

When he broke up with me, he told me he wasn’t ready for the kind of relationship he thought I wanted. All I had done was suggest that we go to Europe together for a fun summer vacation. We had been going out for three months and I thought we were in a good place. I wish I had waited. Maybe he would have been ready for more. 

He was really a great guy and now I screwed up. How do I move on from Leo’s leaving me, when it’s clear that he would have been a fantastic partner? 

I want to stop berating myself for screwing this up.  But I’m afraid of being alone for the rest of my life.

Michael replies:

Leo wouldn’t have been a fantastic partner, because he didn’t want the kind of relationship you were hoping for.  

You didn’t do anything wrong by liking a guy and wanting to take the relationship to a deeper level. That’s how relationships progress — or don’t. You have to take a chance. And if the other person isn’t interested, he isn’t interested.  

But in this case, Leo gave you advance notice that he didn’t want anything serious. And yet, you’re relentlessly berating yourself for making a mess of things, thinking that if only you had paced yourself better, Leo would have come around.

I think the key issue here is that you see yourself through a lens distorted by self-criticism, focused on regret and loss. Many of us frequently look at our lives through a lens that distorts reality. “I’m unlovable”, “I always screw up”, and “I can’t trust anyone” are some I hear a lot. 

Such lenses likely develop in part from early, and big, life experiences; and in part we learn them from our parents and important caregivers. 

Having some understanding of why you berate yourself for screwing up your life when you didn’t, might help you take this belief less seriously. And even without understanding why your mind tends to go in this direction, simply reminding yourself that you are looking through a distorted lens could help you to see clearly.  

Now, here are some practical assists to stop lamenting and get yourself into reality.  

• Strive to notice when you’re falling into the whirlpool of longing and regret, and do your best, every time, to pull yourself into the present. One way to do this: focus on the minute details of the reality around you. For example, sitting in your chair, feel the back of the chair behind you, the feel of the floor on your feet, the sounds coming into the room, the way the light plays on various objects around you. The more you do this, the easier it will likely get to shift into the present. 

• Push yourself to do the things that you have enjoyed in the past, even if you don’t feel like getting out of bed or off your couch. You may be wishing you were with Leo when you’re traveling or out dancing, but it’s still better to be living than simply pining. And when you go into your Leo reverie, do your best to pull yourself back into the present (see above).

 • On a similar note: Get out and spend time with people. If you’re concerned about being lonely, this is the way to proceed. Making yourself feel bad and like a loser isn’t going to bring Leo back.  It just makes you unhappy, and poor relationship material.

While I hope my reply is helpful, I think you could use ongoing support, given your entrenched negative view of yourself. Please consider finding a therapist to help you grieve, move forward, and stop knifing yourself. 

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].

Michael,

I’m having a hard time with being gay and I wonder why everyone seems to “get it” but me. I’m only 24 but I feel like I’m living a 1950s gay man’s life: Lonely and feeling bad about myself. 

My issue isn’t religious (I didn’t grow up with any strong religious faith or proscriptions). It’s just that I can’t get rid of the feeling that there’s something wrong with being gay. 

From a basic biological point of view, being gay doesn’t make any sense. The real purpose of sex is for procreation. So I feel like a dud from that angle.

Also, I feel like I’m part of a weird minority. Most people are straight, the world is set up for them, that’s what’s considered normal. I don’t want people to see me through a stereotyped lens of how they think gay people are, or how gay people act. I don’t want to be seen as “queer” or strange in some way.  I just want to be seen as me.

I hate feeling different from all my friends. I haven’t told any of them and that’s depressing too. I don’t think they’d reject me but I think they’d see me differently and probably back off some. I’m feeling lots of distance because I’m keeping this thing secret.

In any case, being gay IS making me different. Just for an obvious example, I don’t share my guy friends’ interest in women so when that is what they’re talking about, I feel lonely and fake.

Besides that, I just don’t vibe with gay life. I don’t like nonstop hooking up, or staying up all night dancing and getting smashed.

I have been with some guys, but after I have sex I feel bad about myself because I just find myself dwelling on the negatives and wishing I were straight. Life would be much easier. So I don’t have much sex. I’m lonely from that angle too.

I don’t know if you have any ideas to help me make some peace with the hand I’ve been dealt.

Michael replies:

I’m glad you would like to make your peace with being gay. 

The consensus is that sexual orientation is not changeable. So hating something about yourself that you cannot change is accomplishing nothing, except for making you miserable.   

Of course, knowing that intellectually, and doing something about it, are two different things. 

Being gay is not easy. You may hear terrible things about gay people and absorb these negative beliefs even before you think you might be gay. You grow up feeling (and yes, being) different from everyone around you. You may worry about or experience rejection (or worse) from those you are closest to. The list goes on and on.

So, of course, the road to self-acceptance is often not easy. Negative feelings about being gay can have very deep roots.

If you are going to get to a better place, it won’t just happen. You have to begin taking action on your own behalf. Two suggestions for a place to start: Commit to challenging your negative thoughts about being gay, perhaps simply by telling yourself whenever these thoughts come up that you want to be kind to yourself; and start looking for connections with people who run at (or close to) your speed.  Neither of these are solutions, but they may help you begin to move away from self-denigration and loneliness.

A few thoughts to mull over in response to some of the big concerns you raise:

You don’t have to live your life in any particular way. All gay men aren’t the same. If you don’t like partying, you don’t have to party. The “scene” is big and it’s what people mainly see. But there are many gay men who want a non-scene life. I am hopeful you can find some of them, to alleviate your feeling of being alone.

Yes, sex can be for procreation, but it serves other functions: Pleasure, for one, and a way to express all sorts of feelings for another person, including profound closeness. (And of course, it has been possible to procreate without sex between a man and a woman for quite a while.)

It is possible for a gay man to have a life that includes close connections to straight friends—perhaps closer than you are now experiencing, given that you are keeping a big secret.  One question to ask yourself: To what extent are your fears about your friends’ reactions to knowing you’re gay influenced by your negative feelings about being gay?

One response from an advice column has very limited power to help you make a big shift in how you view yourself.  So I urge you to get ongoing support. Find a therapist to talk to on a regular basis, someone who will listen to your concerns, help you to deal with your fears, and encourage you to challenge your negative beliefs, so that you can construct a fulfilling life and stop feeling bad about who you are.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].