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Queery: Tamara Pincus

The Center support group facilitator answers 20 gay questions

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Tamara Pincus, gay news, Washington Blade
Tamara Pincus, gay news, Washington Blade

Tamara Pincus (Washington Blade photo by Michael Key)

Tamara Pincus has been out as bi since she was a teen. It took her many more years, though, to embrace her polyamorous side.

She and husband Eric have been married 11 years but sheā€™s also had relationships with women. She also has a partner named James sheā€™s been with two years. Eric has another partner as well.

Pincus, 37, was born in Seattle but grew up in Massachusetts and New York. Sheā€™s in private practice as a psychotherapist and sex therapist (tamarapincus.com) and also leads a monthly poly discussion group at the D.C. Center. It usually meets on the third Thursday of each month, though the March meeting will be March 27 because of a prior commitment. She came to Washington 16 years ago.

She says the LGBT movement should be open to less ā€œheteronormativity.ā€

ā€œI understand why the gay marriage movement has tried to make it look like weā€™re all just like you with two very normal looking white men with this happy little family, but we also need to be accepting of people who are different too,ā€ she says. ā€œYou silence a lot of voices when you say, ā€˜Weā€™re all just like you.ā€™ā€

Pincus has two sons, ages 5 and 7 and lives in Alexandria. She enjoys board games and spending time with her family in her free time.

 

How long have you been out and who was the hardest person to tell?Ā 

I came out as bi at 16 and as poly three years ago. The hardest people to tell were definitely parents of my kidsā€™ friends, one of whom ran into my husband when he was on a date with someone else. It hasn’t really been hard to tell people I’m bi.

 

Who’s your LGBT hero?

Buck Angel, Diana Adams, Anita Wagner Illig I could go on. I have a lot of heroes.

 

What’s Washington’s best nightspot, past or present?Ā 

My house.

 

Describe your dream wedding.

Well, I had a big wedding at a resort in Leesburg complete with my red velvet dress. My grandmother said I looked like I belonged in a bordello. I don’t think I would want to get married again.

 

What non-LGBT issue are you most passionate about?

I am working really hard to make a more sex-positive world. I think accurate sex ed covering issues like consent would go a long way to ending child sexual abuse. I think addressing sexual shame would decrease so-called sex addiction and other problematic sexual behaviors. There are so many places where our culture’s being completely shut down around sexuality is harming us. Abortion rights for instance? Access to birth control? I could go on and on.

 

What historical outcome would you change?

If you change history then you change the present and I have no idea where we would be if what has happened hadn’t. Still if I had to pick one it would be nice if the Holocaust hadn’t happened.

 

What’s been the most memorable pop culture moment of your lifetime?

No idea. I would say some big influences have been ā€œThe Princess Brideā€ and ā€œRocky Horror.ā€

 

On what do you insist?

Consent! For instance I recently had to stop a stranger at a party from tickling my child without consent.

 

What was your last Facebook post or Tweet?

I took the Muppet quiz and found out that I am Kermit. Usually I post a lot of articles about trans issues, poly issues and sex worker rights.

 

If your life were a book, what would the title be?

ā€œLately, Coming Out Poly.ā€ (Which, as it turns out, is the title of the book I’m working on with my brother-in-law ā€” formerly my brother-out-law. Thanks, legalized gay marriage in New York.)

 

If science discovered a way to change sexual orientation, what would you do?

I love being able to love everyone. I wouldn’t change it.

 

What do you believe in beyond the physical world?Ā 

I believe there are energies that science has not quite gotten a grip on yet.

 

What’s your advice for LGBT movement leaders?

The more inclusive the better. I’ve felt kind of left out in a lot of ways even though I was very active in the LGBT movement in high school and college.

 

What would you walk across hot coals for?

World peace? A person I love? Who comes up with these scenarios?

 

What LGBT stereotype annoys you most?

The stereotypes about bi women that they will have sex with everyone or that they are just here to provide sexual entertainment for straight men.

 

What’s your favorite LGBT movie?

It’s a toss up between ā€œBut I’m a Cheerleaderā€ and ā€œThe Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls In Love.ā€ There has yet to be a movie that comes close to covering the queer poly kinky world in which I live.

 

What’s the most overrated social custom?

All the ones where you try to look like everyone else or portray “normal” are highly overrated.

 

What trophy or prize do you most covet?

The “Vicki” Sexual Freedom Award given to individuals or organizations whose work and/or life embodies the mission and vision of the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Alliance to affirm sexual freedom as a fundamental human right.

 

What do you wish you’d known at 18?

That it is really OK to be different and let others see your imperfections.

 

Why Washington?

Well, if there’s a place that needs sex therapists, this is it. But really itā€™s because the people I love are here and I wouldn’t want to leave them.

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Autos

Green machines on the scene

Itā€™s a good time to buy an electric vehicle

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Ford Mustang Mach-E Premium

Looking to roll into something new? With all the buzz about 25% tariffs, itā€™s the perfect time to grab a new ride before prices soarā€”especially for electric vehicles, which may soon wave goodbye to those oh-so-attractive federal tax credits. Whether you are an eco-conscious commuter or just need a chariot for weekend getaways, these three green machines offer some serious swagger.

FORD MUSTANG MACH-E PREMIUM

$42,000

Range: 250-300 miles (depending on battery pack)

0 to 60 mph: 5.2  seconds

Cargo space: 29.7 cu. ft. 

PROS: Zippy. Sporty feel. Ample battery range.

CONS: Bit bumpy over potholes. Limited seat adjustments.

IN A NUTSHELL: With sleek curves and a design thatā€™s hotter than a drag queenā€™s heels on the runway, the Ford Mustang Mach-E blends both power and flair. The exterior colors are vibrant and unapologetically bold, just like the rainbow after a storm. Three trim levels, but opt for the spiffy Premium versionā€”which was what I drove and is a nice step up from the $37,000 base model. It also costs a lot less than the gutsy GT, which tops $55,000. 

Inside, the Mach-E is like driving a chic lounge on wheels. Toggling through the 15.5-inch touchscreen feels like navigating through the latest TikTok trends. A panoramic glass roof and faux-leather upholstery come standard, but assorted add-onsā€”standard features with the Premium trimā€”include hands-free power liftgate, multicolor ambient lighting and 10-speaker Bang & Olufsen stereo. Thereā€™s also plenty of space for all the essentials: totes, coats and besties.

And letā€™s not forget about battery rangeā€”thereā€™s enough juice here to take you through a whole day of driving without needing a recharge. With Fordā€™s fast-charging network, itā€™s easy to be powered up quicker than you can say, ā€œRide ā€˜em, cowboy!ā€ Well, almost.

How popular is this EV, which looks more like a hot hatchback than an SUV? Last year, sales spiked 27% and outsold the iconic gas-powered Mustang. So yes, the Mach-E Premium isnā€™t just any vehicleā€”itā€™s an experience thatā€™s, well, electric.

KIA SPORTAGE PHEV X-LINE PRESTIGE 

$44,000

MPGe: 84 city/highway combined

0 to 60 mph: 7.1 seconds

Cargo space: 39.6 cu. ft. 

PROS: Comfy. Comely cabin. Oodles of passenger room.

CONS: Clunky dual-use dashboard controls. Bit noisy interior. 

IN A NUTSHELL: Next up: the 2025 Kia Sportage PHEV X-Line Prestige, a compact plug-in hybrid that combines style, strength and versatility into one dazzling package. If the Mach-E Premium is a glam EV star, I found the Sportage PHEV to be an SUV showstopper.

Under the hood, power comes from an electric motor and gas-powered backup, so you get the best of both worldsā€”whether cruising on green energy or unleashing your inner diva. The all-electric range is almost 35 miles, and all-wheel drive is standardā€”which helps keep things steady, no matter the weather.

Inside, itā€™s pure comfort. While there are two hybrid trim levels, even the base-modelā€”the X-Lineā€”is fairly loaded: LED headlights/taillights, dual-zone automatic climate control, remote start, power liftgate, nav system, wireless charging pad, smartphone integration and more. 

For my weeklong test vehicle, I was spoiled with the X-Line Prestige, which is full of a ridiculous number of amenities and safety gear. Letā€™s just say the clever cabin design would make the folks at Ferrari blush. Oh, and thanks to the pristine acoustics from the Harmon Kardon audio, I could have sworn the cast of ā€œHamiltonā€ was right there with me belting out each tune. ā€œBlow Us All Away,ā€ indeed. 

MERCEDES AMG C 63 S E 

$87,000

MPGe: 40 city/highway combined

0 to 60 mph: 3.3 seconds

Cargo space: 11.6 cu. ft. 

PROS: Snazzy. Lightning fast. Haute handling.

CONS: Pricey. Quirky steering-wheel controls. 

IN A NUTSHELL: Jonesing for an exciting, eco-friendly sedan? Then look no further than the Mercedes AMG C 63 S E plug-in hybrid, which gets the adrenaline pumping each time you slip behind the wheel. 

Under the hood, thereā€™s a staggering 671 horsepowerā€”enough to leave competitors in the dust and make them more than a little jealous. This AMG-tuned Mercedesā€”the quickest C-Class everā€”blasts from 0 to 60 mph in just 3.3 seconds, faster than your heart rate when seeing your next crush at a circuit party. And thatā€™s not even the best partā€”the shapely contours of this sportster are as chiseled as Luke Evansā€™ check bones.

Inside, the cockpit is like a designer outfit made for a fab night outā€”high-quality material everywhere, as well as branded sport seats with top-tier upholstery and stitching. One downside: the steering-wheel controls, which look tasteful but can be a tad too touch-sensitive at times.

Still, this elegant ride exudes more than enough bells and whistles to maintain a constant state of euphoria.

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Real Estate

Buying a home as an LGBTQ couple

What you need to know

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For LGBTQ couples, homeownership represents a statement of stability.

For LGBTQ couples, homeownership represents more than just a financial investment ā€” it is a statement of stability, security, and equality. However, navigating the home-buying process can present unique legal and financial challenges. Whether you are buying your first home together or upgrading to your dream house, understanding your rights, responsibilities, and potential pitfalls is essential.

Hereā€™s what LGBTQ couples need to know when purchasing a home in 2025.

Legal Considerations: How Should You Hold Title?

One of the most crucial decisions LGBTQ+ couples face when buying a home is how to hold title, as this impacts legal rights, inheritance, and financial obligations. Here are the three main options:

  • Joint Tenancy with Right of Survivorship ā€“ Both partners own the property equally, and if one passes away, the other automatically inherits full ownership.
  • Tenants in Common ā€“ Each partner owns a percentage of the property (e.g., 50/50 or 70/30). If one partner dies, their share goes to their estate, instead of automatically transferring to the surviving partner.
  • Sole Ownership ā€“ If only one person is on the title, they hold full legal ownership. This may be beneficial for credit or financing reasons, but it leaves the non-owner partner vulnerable.

LGBTQ+ couples should have a conversation with their gay real estate agent, and/or consult a real estate attorney to determine the best ownership structure based on their relationship and long-term goals.

Financing: Getting Approved for a Mortgage

While same-sex marriage is legally recognized in the U.S., LGBTQ+ couples still experience higher rates of mortgage denials than their heterosexual counterparts. Hereā€™s how to strengthen your loan application:

  • Check Your Credit Scores ā€“ Both applicants should review their credit reports and address any discrepancies before applying.
  • Compare Lenders ā€“ Some mortgage lenders are more LGBTQ+-friendly than others. Ask for a referral from your LGBTQ+ real estate professional.
  • Consider a Joint or Individual Application ā€“ If one partner has significantly better credit or a higher income, it might be beneficial to apply individually for a more favorable interest rate.

Work with an LGBTQ+-friendly lender who understands your financial needs and ensures fair treatment.

Protecting Your Property and Rights

Even if you are legally married, it may be wise to put additional protections in place to avoid potential legal or financial disputes down the road:

  • Co-Ownership Agreement ā€“ If you are not married or want to clarify ownership percentages, a co-ownership agreement outlines each personā€™s rights and responsibilities.
  • Estate Planning ā€“ LGBTQ+ couples should have a will or trust to specify what happens to the property in the event of death. Even with joint tenancy, a will can clarify intentions and prevent family disputes.
  • Power of Attorney ā€“ In case of emergency, granting each other power of attorney ensures that one partner can make legal or financial decisions on behalf of the other.

Estate planning is not just for the wealthy – having legal documents in place protects your home and loved ones.

Finding an LGBTQ+-Friendly Real Estate Agent

Working with a real estate professional who understands the needs of LGBTQ+ homebuyers can make the process much smoother. Hereā€™s how to find the right agent:

  • Look for Experience ā€“ Seek agents who specialize in working with LGBTQ+ clients and have knowledge of local housing protections.
  • Avoid Discrimination ā€“ While the Fair Housing Act prohibits discrimination based on sex (interpreted to include sexual orientation and gender identity), biases still exist. Choose an agent who prioritizes inclusivity and fairness.
  • Use LGBTQ+ Real Estate Networks ā€“ The best way to find a trusted LGBTQ+-friendly real estate agent is through GayRealEstate.com, the Nationā€™s Oldest and Largest Free Database of LGBTQ+ Real Estate Agents Worldwide. Since its founding, GayRealEstate.com has helped thousands of LGBTQ+ buyers and sellers connect with agents who are not only professional and experienced, but also 100% committed to equality and inclusivity.

Using an agent from GayRealEstate.com ensures that you are working with someone who values fairness, understands LGBTQ+ housing concerns, and is dedicated to finding you the perfect home in a welcoming community.

Choosing an LGBTQ+-Friendly Neighborhood

Finding a home is about more than just the property itself – it is about the community. Consider these factors when searching for the perfect neighborhood:

  • LGBTQ+ Inclusivity ā€“ Look for cities with nondiscrimination laws, pride events, and visible LGBTQ+ communities.
  • Safety ā€“ Research crime rates and local laws to ensure your new neighborhood is a safe and welcoming environment.
  • Community Support ā€“ Some cities have LGBTQ+ resource centers, social groups, and advocacy organizations that make settling in easier.

Tools like the Human Rights Campaign’s Municipal Equality Index rank cities based on LGBTQ+ inclusivity and protections.

Homeownership is an Empowering Step

Buying a home as an LGBTQ+ couple is a milestone worth celebrating. While challenges still exist, being informed and proactive can help you avoid pitfalls, protect your rights, and make smart financial decisions. By working with LGBTQ+-friendly professionals, understanding your legal options, and securing financial protections, you will set yourself up for long-term success and stability.

Whether you are buying your first home or upgrading to your forever house, the key is to be prepared, protected, and empowered throughout the process.


Jeff Hammerberg and Scott Helms are with GayRealEstate.com, the nationā€™s leading online platform connecting LGBTQ homebuyers and sellers with LGBTQ-friendly real estate agents, ensuring a safe and supportive experience. To find an agent or learn more, visitĀ GayRealEstate.comĀ or call 1-888-420-MOVE.

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Advice

I want to leave my perfect boyfriend

Good-looking, caring partner is smothering me

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Iā€™ve gotten into what is now a serious relationship because of him, not me. (Photo by Diego Cervo/Bigstock)

Hi Michael,

Iā€™m in a relationship I think I donā€™t want to be in.

Ed is very sweet and thatā€™s part of the problem. He is always solicitous of me, caring, kind, agreeable. I donā€™t want to hurt his feelings, which I certainly would do if I dump him.

Weā€™ve gotten into what is now a serious relationship because of him, not me.  He kept asking me out on one date after another, and I kept saying yes.  He proposed being exclusive, and I said yes.  

I was lonely, Edā€™s cute and a nice guy, and it felt good to be cared about. 

Ed is great at planning a fun life. Dinners, vacations, socializing. My life is way more exciting than it used to be.  Ed takes the initiative on everything and heā€™s very good at it.

But I feel smothered, like I donā€™t have a say in how I live and what I do. We spend all our time together. And my friends are now ā€œourā€ friends because he always joins me when I get together with them.

I canā€™t talk about this with him because I don’t think he can handle it. If he sees the least sign of me being upset, he says, ā€œWhatā€™s wrong? Are you mad at me?ā€ with this vulnerable tone in his voice. Heā€™s told me heā€™s afraid of losing me when Iā€™ve shown any unhappiness. 

Iā€™m no longer attracted to him. I donā€™t know why, heā€™s as cute as ever.

Sometimes I wonder whatā€™s wrong with me. I have a good-looking, caring boyfriend. So many guys want this. I should be happy. But Iā€™m not.

On the other hand, Iā€™m afraid that if I break up with Ed I will be lonely all over again and maybe never find such a caring person.

Any guidance you have would be appreciated in how to think about this and sort it out.

Michael replies:

This relationship is giving you all sorts of opportunities to become a more solid person.

First point to consider: If you canā€™t set boundaries, you will spend your life twisting yourself into a pretzel to accommodate others. Thatā€™s what is happening now with Ed. 

When we are struggling to succeed at an important life skill, as you are here, itā€™s helpful to think how our personal history may be contributing to our being stuck.

Some possibilities for you to consider: What example did your parents model? Perhaps they had trouble setting boundaries in their relationships, so you didnā€™t learn how to do so. Or perhaps when you were growing up, you didnā€™t have much say about what you could or couldnā€™t do, so you didnā€™t learn you could speak up about what is important to you. 

Iā€™m painting with a broad brush here, just to inspire your own thinking. While our lives arenā€™t rigidly determined by our pasts, the ways that we learned to relate as we grew up do have a powerful influence on how we live in the present. Having some sense of what has shaped our operating system can help us loosen up and try new ways of behaving.

Second (and related) point: You cannot go through life without ever disappointing anyone or you will (as noted above) start to resemble a pretzel. Yes, youā€™ll likely upset Ed when you tell him that youā€™re unhappy in the relationship. But if Ed is going to address his clingy and needy behavior, he needs to hear this.  

At their best, relationships challenge us to grow. This relationship is pushing you to tolerate disappointing someone you care about, in the service of saying what you need to say. And guess what? Your letting Ed know where you stand will challenge him to work on his own relational wobbliness. Very cool.

Third point: Why are you not stepping forward with your own ideas about what you want to do and how you want to live? You are letting Ed do all the work. What is up with that?

One obvious explanation: Your difficulty setting a boundary is stopping you from asserting what you want. In other words, your inability to say ā€œnoā€ is leading you to feel stifled in this relationship. Good news: you have the power to change this.

Another possibility: Maybe you donā€™t actually have much in the way of interests or ideas for what you would like to do, and Ed is merely filling the void so that the two of you have some kind of life together.

If so, I encourage you to start thinking about what is meaningful to you. Developing a selfā€”figuring out what is important to you, what you care aboutā€”is one of the great tasks and great joys of being alive. If you just keep doing what others around you wantā€”boyfriends, friends, familyā€”you may keep feeling resentful and will squander your life.

I donā€™t know if you would actually enjoy being with Ed if you do the work to become a solid person who speaks up about what is important and brings his own agenda to the relationship. While itā€™s your decision to do so or not, I urge you not to decide based on fear of stepping outside your comfort zone. 

And please consider that this work would help you in any future relationship, if you end things with Ed.

One more point: Itā€™s no surprise that youā€™ve lost interest in having sex with Ed. Being enmeshed with someone as tightly as you describe your fusion with Ed is a desire-killer.  Perhaps this would change if you give yourself some room to breathe.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online atĀ michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it toĀ [email protected].

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