Last month’s column featured a letter from someone who had cheated on his boyfriend, and was struggling with the boyfriend’s unwillingness to forgive him despite his contrition. He wondered what he could do to earn back his boyfriend’s trust, and noted that he was feeling increasingly resentful over the nonstop scrutiny and contempt.

My reply in a nutshell: If you’ve stepped out of your relationship, and want to do better going forward, the main person whose trust you need to earn is your own. Figure out your own standards (with input from your partner, of course) to be a boyfriend who deserves his partner’s trust, and live up to those standards. Strive to honor your partner’s requests to demonstrate your trustworthiness, but when doing so comes at too high a cost to your self-respect or your affection for your partner, you may need to set a boundary. 

Now I’d like to address the other side of this dilemma. If you’ve been cheated on, what can you do to build a trusting and loving relationship with your partner, going forward? Here’s what I would say to the boyfriend.

For starters: You’re in a tough spot. It’s natural and understandable to be hurt, heartbroken, and furious with your partner. But if you want to have a loving relationship with this guy going forward, you are going to have to find a way to not let these feelings run your show for too long.  

As is true for your partner, the person whose trust you most need to earn is you. Can you get better at paying attention, going forward, to any signs that your partner is stepping out of the relationship? Did you miss any hints that something was amiss? Were you ignoring data about your partner’s behavior and character?  

You can’t go too far in either direction here. On the one hand, ignoring your “spidey sense” that something’s wrong is a terrible idea. On the other hand, ongoing scrutiny and interrogations create an imbalanced relationship and often lead to your partner wanting to get away with things. That’s just a natural consequence of being constantly watched.

A big part of your work is to determine if your partner is sincere in his desire to be honest going forward and devote himself to building the same kind of relationship that you want to build. This means assessing your partner’s character: Do you have a clear read on his values, and do you respect them? Can you get a good sense of whether he is just telling you what you want to hear in order to stay in the relationship, or being honest about where he really stands?

You can never know for sure. You can only do your best to see your partner and your relationship accurately. One thing is certain, though. If you are going to be in a close relationship, you must accept that you are going to be vulnerable to heartbreak. In any long relationship, partners do at times hurt each other, sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally. There is no way around this.  

Of course, that doesn’t mean you must stay with someone who cheated on you. You get to decide whom you want to be with, what is not forgivable, and when you do not want to forgive.

If you decide that you have good reason to stay, you will have to develop your ability to calm yourself when it feels like something might be wrong and you are starting to freak out.  Remember, your alarm system is likely on high alert after having been betrayed, which means you may easily panic when something might be amiss.  

So when your partner doesn’t show up when he said he would, or doesn’t reply to a text or answer his phone, take a moment to quiet your mind — perhaps by taking some slow deep breaths, perhaps simply by reminding yourself that your judgment may be “off” right now — and not rush into accusations or a downward spiral.  

Every time you are able to make this move, you will be strengthening your ability to remain calm and thoughtful under very tough circumstances. That is a great skill to have in all arenas of life.

One more point: If you want to be angry or walk around feeling like your partner owes you for the rest of your existence, you might as well end the relationship, because you’ll never have a loving relationship under those conditions. You cannot use your partner’s bad behavior to justify your own bad behavior. For a relationship to succeed, each partner must strive to be someone worth being in a relationship with.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].

Let’s be honest – the average person in the Washington, D.C. area has not been living under a rock, knows how to Google whatever they are looking for, and probably has plenty of connections in their graduate program, place of employment, or at their family holiday dinner who can help them figure out how to purchase a home.  

But there were lessons learned as I was working in real estate, that, otherwise, I wouldn’t have even known to ask about. In other words, “How do you know what you don’t even know?”  

For example: 

• Some lenders can help you find ways to pay off certain amounts of student loan debt before going to settlement. Depends on the jurisdiction you plan to buy in. 
• Some down payment assistance loans are available in almost every state. Certain cities and counties have their own versions of this assistance. Some of these programs can be stacked up.  
• In D.C., and in many other places, you are required to get a home inspection if you are receiving money from the government to buy a home. That way they aren’t giving you (or lending you) money to buy what Tom Hanks and Shelley Long would call a “Money Pit.” (If you haven’t seen that movie, do yourself a solid and watch it.)
• Did you know that certain lending institutions have what are called “Doctor’s Loans” for people with higher amounts of student loan debt?  
• Some jurisdictions have various types of tax abatement for first-time homebuyers.  Ask about topics such as “Tax Abatement” and “Homestead Deductions.” This will reduce your tax bill for a property that is owner occupied, OR delay paying property taxes for a set period of time. 

This is by no means an exhaustive list of topics to consider. But it is meant as an idea generator. There could be some programs where you live that would help you find a way to get into homeownership, get out of paying high monthly rents, and start socking away a monthly investment. Is homeownership for everyone? Probably not. But for some people, including many of the clients I’ve worked with, it was an easy way to put a large sum of money away monthly.  Eventually that money could become a nest egg for leveling up their housing, taking the money back for other purposes, or just one of the tools in their tool belt of personal wealth building. 

Joseph Hudson is a referral agent with Metro Referrals. Reach him at 703-587-0597 or [email protected].

In recent months, the real estate landscape has undergone significant changes, with new rules and regulations reshaping how transactions are conducted. These changes affect buyers and sellers across the board, but LGBTQ individuals and couples navigating the housing market should be particularly aware of how these updates might impact their decisions and opportunities. At GayRealEstate.com, we’re here to keep you informed and empowered.

1. Transparency in Agent Compensation

One of the most notable changes involves how real estate agents are compensated. New rules aim to increase transparency, requiring agents to clearly disclose their commissions and how they are paid. For LGBTQ buyers and sellers, this means you’ll have a better understanding of the financial side of your transaction, making it easier to avoid hidden fees or misunderstandings.

Tip: Make sure your agent explains their compensation structure up front. Working with an LGBTQ-friendly real estate agent through GayRealEstate.com ensures you’re connected with professionals who prioritize clarity and fairness.

2. Contracts Before Home Tours

In some areas, buyers are now required to sign a representation agreement before touring homes. While this adds a layer of formality, it can also help you establish a stronger relationship with your agent and ensure they’re working in your best interest.

What It Means for LGBTQ Buyers: Choosing an agent who understands your unique needs is critical. Signing a contract ensures that your agent is committed to helping you find a home in a community where you’ll feel safe and welcome.

3. New Protections Against Discrimination

Recent policy changes reinforce anti-discrimination measures in housing, which is particularly relevant for LGBTQ individuals. While federal laws like the Fair Housing Act prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity, some states have gone further by implementing additional protections.

How to Navigate: Familiarize yourself with your state’s specific laws, and rely on LGBTQ-friendly agents who are committed to advocating for your rights throughout the transaction process.

4. Market Conditions: Buyers vs. Sellers

The current housing market is in flux, with inventory levels, interest rates, and demand varying widely by region. Sellers may face longer listing times, while buyers could encounter more competitive environments in desirable areas.

5. Mortgage Updates for LGBTQ Couples

Lenders are becoming more inclusive in recognizing diverse family structures, but disparities still exist. It’s essential to work with lenders who understand your unique situation and ensure fair treatment during the mortgage process.

Advice: An LGBTQ-friendly agent can connect you with lenders who are sensitive to your needs and knowledgeable about programs that support equal access to home financing.

Why These Changes Matter

The new rules emphasize fairness, transparency, and accountability — values that align closely with the mission of GayRealEstate.com. However, navigating these changes requires expert guidance, especially for LGBTQ buyers and sellers who may face additional challenges in the market.

Take Action Today

Buying or selling a home is one of the most significant decisions you’ll make, and having the right support can make all the difference. At GayRealEstate.com, we connect LGBTQ buyers and sellers with experienced, LGBTQ-friendly agents who are committed to protecting your rights and helping you achieve your goals.

Whether you’re just starting your real estate journey or ready to make your next move, we’re here to help. Visit GayRealEstate.com to find your perfect agent and get started today.

This article is brought to you by GayRealEstate.com, the nation’s largest network of LGBTQ-friendly real estate agents.

Jeff Hammerberg is founding CEO of Hammerberg & Associates, Inc. Reach him at 303-378-5526.