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Local gay couple proceeds with wedding plans despite lockdown

Family and friends gather virtually to celebrate same-sex nuptials

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pandemic gay wedding, gay news, Washington Blade
Harry Fox (left) and Brian Lee exchange vows last weekend. (Photo courtesy the couple)

When Harry met Brian in 2015, the U.S. Supreme Court had just legalized same-sex marriage in all 50 states. Five years later around their kitchen table they agreed they were going to be damned if a pandemic stopped them from exercising that right. 

ā€œI played a lot of weddings,ā€ says D. Brian Lee, a 58-year-old musician and definitely the feistier of the two, having been out since he was a teen. ā€œI felt so down on the institution because it was never going to be me, but now weā€™ve won.ā€

ā€œIt was most important to us for people to honor and witness our wedding,ā€ says Harry Fox, a 62-year-old health care administrator who had been married previously to a woman for 20 years. He had to overcome his own internalized homophobia to find strength and happiness. 

On Saturday, April 25 Lee and Fox held their wedding virtually and became one of many couples around the world who didnā€™t let COVID-19-induced stay-at-home orders lockdown their love. 

Internationally, the Singapore parliament is even considering a bill to further legalize virtual marriages during the crisis, according to The Straits Times

In the U.S., virtual weddings via YouTube, Zoom and other conferencing platforms are becoming so prevalent that The Wedding Spot blog gives a detailed how-to for planning one. 

NPR also reports New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) signed an executive order on April 18 that allows clerks to perform wedding ceremonies via video conferencing platforms and for couples to get their marriage licenses remotely. And a quick Twitter search of the #ZoomWedding hashtag will find other creative couples taking advantage of similar marriage expansions in their areas. 

Aaron Tax of SAGE, an LGBTQ senior advocacy organization, is not surprised that many choose the legal protections of marriage during a health crisis. 

ā€œMarriage may provide psychological benefits and more tangible benefits like economic security and certain legal rights to couples,ā€ he says. ā€œThere really is no shorthand for saying ā€˜my wifeā€™ or ā€˜my husbandā€™ when an emergency arises and you want to explain the nature of your relationship.ā€

Fox agrees. When he was separated from his wife and had begun dating Lee, she became stricken with cancer. He admitted when he went to the hospital with their son, now 23, to visit her there was a certain legitimacy and ā€œstraight privilegeā€ that made things easier for them during a difficult time. 

ā€œI think thereā€™s a tremendous difference in the eyes of the world between a married couple and those who are living together,ā€ Fox says. ā€œAnd it plays out in the hospital room. There are significant rights in this culture that marriage confers and (Brian and I) want to be there for each other without anyone questioning that we have a right to be there.ā€

Lee also remembers seeing ā€œunmarried partners being locked out of hospital roomsā€ of dying loved ones during the height of the HIV/AIDS crisis in the 1980s. He recalled this as a dark time filled with ā€œsome very inhumane treatment,ā€ and this moved him to respect the institution of marriage. 

Thatā€™s why he insisted that Fox divorce his wife before moving in with him. 

ā€œThat was a trying and difficult time,ā€ Fox says. ā€œIt was important for me to help my wife, but Brian was clear that I needed to be divorced before we moved in together.ā€

Fox’s wife eventually died, though she did get a chance to meet Lee before she died. The two of them had a quiet conversation while Fox made dinner in the other room. Later they moved together into the rented house they enjoy now in Potomac, Md., and their traditions of kitchen table conversations began.Ā 

ā€œWe meet every morning and every evening at this table to talk,ā€ Fox says. ā€œWhen you think about being with someone for the rest of your life, if itā€™s not fun to talk to the other person, you shouldnā€™t be with them.ā€

Lee was more impassioned in his agreement. 

ā€œI donā€™t want to have to pry the book open with a partner,ā€ he says. ā€œBut with Harry, itā€™s very easy.ā€ 

However, it wasnā€™t so easy in the beginning as Fox was still struggling with his sexuality. Unlike Lee, he came out in his 50s and there were a few conditioned beliefs he had to lay to rest. 

ā€œIn the beginning of our relationship, there was my own internalized homophobia,ā€ Fox says. Sure, he had been married before, but that was in a traditional Jewish ceremony. ā€œDid I see myself married to another man? Do I see myself kissing another man in public?ā€

As a musician, Lee calls Foxā€™s anxieties a form of ā€œstage frightā€ which he still sees in his partner time and again. 

ā€œThere have been times when I feel that if Harry is feeling a little anxious about something, Iā€™ll say, ā€˜Ah, heā€™ll get through it.ā€™ It just takes time and talking.ā€

And talking is something theyā€™ve done plenty of over the years. As the two of them continued to date and their bond grew, Fox came out to more family and friends. 

ā€œBut I felt I needed to come out at work,ā€ he says. ā€œSince work was such a large part of my life, in order to feel like an integrated human being and to get rid of the internal compartments I had maintained throughout my adult life.ā€

This was a difficult decision for him since at the time Fox was the chief information officer for a large health care insurance provider and responsible for over 2,500 employees. And from a legal standpoint, the U.S. Supreme Court is still weighing whether or not it is unconstitutional for employers to fire workers based on sexual orientation or gender identity. 

Still, he knew then that he wanted Lee to be a part of his life. All of it. 

ā€œAfter I came out at work, I took Brian as my date to a dinner event with work colleagues,ā€ Fox says, still sounding a little surprised that everything worked out so well. ā€œI was also invited to join the board of Whitman-Walker Health.ā€

Fox says coming out fully swept away a lot of his remaining internalized homophobia and became a ā€œvery powerful life-changing experience.ā€

Fox and Lee felt their shared experiences together strengthened their resolve to get married, not just as an act of social justice but because they loved one another and were growing together. Then COVID-19 hit. 

It was time for another discussion around the kitchen table. 

ā€œWe talked about cancelling the physical wedding, but it took such a long road to get here,ā€ Fox says. ā€œIn the real world the restrictions will ease up slowly, and there probably wouldnā€™t be another time to get people to fly in until later next year.ā€

Both he and Lee had already lost older family members and feared more wouldnā€™t last long enough to see them married. Lee added that when you hit your middle years, you just donā€™t know how much time older family members have left. Finally, they decided, ā€œthere will never be a perfect time … letā€™s just do it.ā€

ā€œAnd I know people in our social circles love our parties,ā€ Lee says. ā€œAnd this was going to be the ultimate party.ā€

Fox and Lee have IT backgrounds and were familiar with the technology needed to pull off a virtual wedding. They decided to live-stream the ceremony on YouTube and hold the virtual receiving line via Zoom while sending out wedding cupcakes to family and friends. 

ā€œWe did a butt-load of tests,ā€ Lee says. ā€œWe had a dry run to make sure everyone could connect and with sound. I set up YouTube lives before at my other job. I still kept praying the internet keeps working.ā€

They had gotten their marriage license prior to the pandemic and its social distancing restrictions and business closures. They looked into Maryland marriage laws and found a confusing passage they reasoned meant the officiant needed to be physically ā€œin the county in whichā€ the marriage license is issued. 

So their officiant, Hanna Nielsen-Jones, arranged for another officiant to marry them an hour before their virtual wedding, in their driveway ā€” and six feet away. 

The ceremony was posted on YouTube which used multiple layers of technology, to include the Nielsen-Jones officiating via video to the couple who then projected themselves via video for their guests to view. The virtual receiving line followed where family and friends expressed their warm wishes via Zoom and toasts were shared. 

ā€œI liked it all. With all of the things we were afraid could go wrong, nothing went wrong,ā€ Fox says. ā€œMy son spoke and it was really lovely.ā€

ā€œMost of the people dressed up like they were going to a real wedding,ā€ Lee says. ā€œAnd it looked fabulous. We drank a lot of champaign on this end also.ā€ 

Despite all of the fear and the obstacles, the newlyweds said it was worth it to be creative and have their wedding rather than cancel it. Right now their ā€œhoneymoonā€ consists of their nightly walk through their diverse neighborhood as their permitted lockdown activity. They agree it feels a little different with the rings on their fingers though they donā€™t advertise their new status with their neighbors. 

But Lee holds out hope for a two-week trip to Spain. 

ā€œWe hope to get our butts back to Barcelona,ā€ he says, though he knows it probably wouldnā€™t be this summer. 

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Out & About

The Rare Book Fair is coming to D.C.

Over 35 antiquarian booksellers from across the country to attend

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The Capital Rare Book Fair arrives in May. (Photo by aramanda/Bigstock)

The Capital Rare Book Fair will bring more than 35 antiquarian booksellers from across the country to D.C. from Friday, May 3 to Sunday, May 5 at the historic University Club at 1135 16th St., N.W.

This year, the fair will take over two floors in the illustrious mansion on 16th Street and showcase thousands of beautiful, notable, and rare books, maps, and historic documents from around the globe. Exceptional examples that will be offered include leaf 27 of a 40-leaf xylographic Biblia pauperum, a picture Bible from 1465 for $85,000 from Bruce McKittrick Rare Books, among many other intriguing selections. 

Tickets are $50 and more information is available on the eventā€™s website.

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Calendar

Calendar: April 19-25

LGBTQ events in the days to come

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Friday, April 19

Center Aging Friday Tea Time will be at 2 p.m. on Zoom. This is a social hour for older LGBTQ adults. Guests are encouraged to bring a beverage of choice. For more information, email [email protected].Ā 

Go Gay DC will host ā€œDrag Pageantā€ at 8 p.m. at Freddieā€™s Beach Bar and Restaurant. Net proceeds from this event will benefit EQUALITY NoVa, the local nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing equality in Northern Virginia. Attendance is free and more details are available on Eventbrite.

Saturday, April 20

LGBTQ People of Color Support Group will be at 1 p.m. on Zoom. This peer support group is an outlet for LGBTQ People of Color to come together and talk about anything affecting them in a space that strives to be safe and judgment free. For more details, ā€‹ā€‹visit thedccenter.org/poc or facebook.com/centerpoc.

Go Gay DC will host ā€œLGBTQ+ Brunchā€ at 11 a.m. at Freddieā€™s Beach Bar & Restaurant. This fun weekly event brings the DMV area LGBTQ community, including allies, together for delicious food and conversation. Attendance is free and more details are available on Eventbrite.

Sunday, April 21

Go Gay DC will host ā€œLGBTQ+ Dinnerā€ at 7 p.m. at Federico Ristorante Italiano. Attendance is free and more details are available on Eventbrite.

AfroCode DC will be at 4 p.m. at Decades DC. This event will be an experience of non-stop music, dancing, and good vibes and a crossover of genres and a fusion of cultures. Tickets cost $40 and can be purchased on Eventbrite.Ā 

Monday, April 22

Center Aging: Monday Coffee & Conversation will be at 10 a.m. on Zoom. This is a social hour for older LGBTQ adults. Guests are encouraged to bring a beverage of their choice. For more details, email [email protected].Ā 

Tuesday, April 23

Pride on the Patio Events will host ā€œLGBTQ Social Mixerā€ at 5:30 p.m. at Showroom. Dress is casual, fancy, or comfortable. Guests are encouraged to bring their most authentic self to chat, laugh, and get a little crazy. Admission is free and more details are on Eventbrite.

Genderqueer DC will be at 7 p.m. on Zoom. This is a support group for people who identify outside of the gender binary. Whether youā€™re bigender, agender, genderfluid, or just know that youā€™re not 100% cis. For more details, visit genderqueerdc.org or Facebook.Ā 

Wednesday, April 24

Job Club will be at 6 p.m. on Zoom. This is a weekly job support program to help job entrants and seekers, including the long-term unemployed, improve self-confidence, motivation, resilience and productivity for effective job searches and networking ā€” allowing participants to move away from being merely ā€œapplicantsā€ toward being ā€œcandidates.ā€ For more information, email [email protected] or visit [email protected].

Asexual and Aromantic Group will be at 7 p.m. on Zoom. This is a space where people who are questioning this aspect of their identity or those who identify as asexual and/or aromantic can come together, share stories and experiences, and discuss various topics. For more details, email [email protected].Ā 

Thursday, April 25

The DC Centerā€™s Fresh Produce Program will be held all day at the DC Center for the LGBT Community. People will be informed on Wednesday at 5:00 pm if they are picked to receive a produce box. No proof of residency or income is required. For more information, email [email protected] or call 202-682-2245.Ā 

Virtual Yoga with Charles M. will be at 7 p.m. on Zoom. This is a free weekly class focusing on yoga, breath work, and meditation. For more details, visit the DC Center for the LGBT Communityā€™s website.

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Movies

After 25 years, a forgotten queer classic reemerges in 4K glory

Screwball rom-com ā€˜I Think I Doā€™ finds new appreciation

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Alexis Arquette and Christian Maelen in ā€˜I Think I Do.ā€™ (Photo courtesy of Strand Releasing)

In 2024, with queer-themed entertainment available on demand via any number of streaming services, itā€™s sometimes easy to forget that such content was once very hard to find.

It wasnā€™t all that long ago, really. Even in the post-Stonewall ā€˜70s and ā€˜80s, movies or shows ā€“ especially those in the mainstream ā€“ that dared to feature queer characters, much less tell their stories, were branded from the outset as ā€œcontroversial.ā€ It has been a difficult, winding road to bring on-screen queer storytelling into the light of day ā€“ despite the outrage and protest from bigots that, depressingly, still continues to rear its ugly head against any effort to normalize queer existence in the wider culture.

Thereā€™s still a long way to go, of course, but itā€™s important to acknowledge how far weā€™ve come ā€“ and to recognize the efforts of those who have fought against the tide to pave the way. After all, progress doesnā€™t happen in a vacuum, and if not for the queer artists who have hustled to bring their projects to fruition over the years, we would still be getting queer-coded characters as comedy relief or tragic victims from an industry bent on protecting its bottom line by playing to the middle, instead of the (mostly) authentic queer-friendly narratives that grace our screens today.

The list of such queer storytellers includes names that have become familiar over the years, pioneers of the ā€œQueer New Waveā€ of the ā€˜90s like Todd Haynes, Gus Van Sant, Gregg Araki, or Bruce LaBruce, whose work at various levels of the indie and ā€œundergroundā€ queer cinema movement attracted enough attentionĀ  ā€“ and, inevitably, notoriety ā€“ to make them known, at least by reputation, to most audiences within the community today.

But for every ā€œPoisonā€ or ā€œThe Living Endā€ or ā€œHustler White,ā€ there are dozens of other not-so-well-remembered queer films from the era; mostly screened at LGBTQ film festivals like LAā€™s Outfest or San Franciscoā€™s Frameline, they might have experienced a flurry of interest and the occasional accolade, or even a brief commercial release on a handful of screens, before slipping away into fading memory. In the days before streaming, the options were limited for such titles; home video distribution was a costly proposition, especially when there was no guarantee of a built-in audience, so most of them disappeared into a kind of cinematic limbo ā€“ from which, thankfully, they are beginning to be rediscovered.

Consider, for instance, ā€œI Think I Do,ā€ the 1998 screwball romantic comedy by writer/director Brian Sloan that was screened last week ā€“ in a newly restored 4K print undertaken by Strand Releasing ā€“ in Brooklyn as the Closing Night Selection of NewFestā€™s ā€œQueering the Canonā€ series. Itā€™s a film that features the late trans actor and activist Alexis Arquette in a starring, pre-transition role, as well as now-mature gay heartthrob Tuc Watkins and out queer actor Guillermo Diaz in supporting turns, but for over two decades has been considered as little more than a footnote in the filmographies of these and the other performers in its ensemble cast. It deserves to be seen as much more than that, and thanks to a resurgence of interest in the queer cinema renaissance from younger film buffs in the community, itā€™s finally getting that chance.

Set among a circle of friends and classmates at Washington, D.C.ā€™s George Washington University, itā€™s a comedic ā€“ yet heartfelt and nuanced ā€“ story of love left unrequited and unresolved between two roommates, openly gay Bob (Arquette) and seemingly straight Brendan (Christian Maelen), whose relationship in college comes to an ugly and humiliating end at a Valentineā€™s Day party before graduation. A few years later, the gang is reunited for the wedding of Carol (Luna Lauren VĆ©lez) and Matt (Jamie Harrold), who have been a couple since the old days. Bob, now a TV writer engaged to a handsome soap opera star (Watkins), is the ā€œmaidā€ of honor, while old gal pals Beth (Maddie Corman) and Sarah (Marianne Hagan), show up to fill out the bridal party and pursue their own romantic interests. When another old friend, Eric (Diaz), shows up with Brendan unexpectedly in tow, it sparks a behind-the-scenes scenario for the events of the wedding, in which Bob is once again thrust into his old crushā€™s orbit and confronted with lingering feelings that might put his current romance into question ā€“ especially since the years between appear to have led Brendan to a new understanding about his own sexuality.

In many ways, itā€™s a film with the unmistakable stamp of its time and provenance, a low-budget affair shot at least partly under borderline ā€œguerilla filmmakingā€ conditions and marked by a certain ā€œcollegiateā€ sensibility that results in more than a few instances of aggressively clever dialogue and a storytelling agenda that is perhaps a bit too heavily packed. Yet at the same time, these rough edges give it a raw, DIY quality that not only makes any perceived sloppiness forgivable, but provides a kind of ā€œoutsiderā€ vibe that it wears like a badge of honor. Add to this a collection of likable performances ā€“ including Arquette, in a winning turn that gets us easily invested in the story, and Maelen, whose DeNiro-ish looks and barely concealed sensitivity make him swoon-worthy while cementing the palpable chemistry between themĀ  ā€“ and Sloanā€™s 25-year-old blend of classic Hollywood rom-com and raunchy ā€˜90s sex farce reveals itself to be a charming, wiser-than-expected piece of entertainment, with an admirable amount of compassion and empathy for even its most stereotypical characters – like Watkinsā€™ soap star, a walking trope of vainglorious celebrity made more fully human than appearances would suggest by the actorā€™s honest, emotionally intelligent performance ā€“ that leaves no doubt its heart is in the right place.

Sloan, remarking about it today, confirms that his intention was always to make a movie that was more than just frothy fluff. ā€œWhile the film seems like a glossy rom-com, I always intended an underlying message about the gay couple being seen as equals to the straight couple getting married,ā€ he says. ā€œ And the movie is also set in Washington to underline the point.ā€

He also feels a sense of gratitude for what he calls an ā€œincreased interest from millennials and Gen Z in these [classic queer indie] films, many of which they are surprised to hear about from that time, especially the comedies.ā€ Indeed, it was a pair of screenings with Queer Cinema Archive that ā€œgarnered a lot of interest from their followers,ā€ and ā€œhelped to convince my distributor to bring the film backā€ after being unavailable for almost 10 years.

Mostly, however, he says ā€œI feel very lucky that I got to make this film at that time and be a part of that movement, which signaled a sea change in the way LGBTQ characters were portrayed on screen.ā€

Now, thanks to Strandā€™s new 4K restoration, which will be available for VOD streaming on Amazon and Apple starting April 19, his film is about to be accessible to perhaps a larger audience than ever before.

Hopefully, it will open the door for the reappearance of other iconic-but-obscure classics of its era and help make it possible for a whole new generation to discover them.

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