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Don’t label Maria Bello

Actress-turned-author explores power and pain of typecasting

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Maria Bello, gay news, Washington Blade
Maria Bello, gay news, Washington Blade

Maria Bello says a 2013 illness that sidelined her gave her time to rethink the rigid way society categorizes love, sexuality and relationships, labels she says never fit her own life. (Photo by Amanda Demme; courtesy Dey Street Books)

Maria Bello

 

In conversation with Daniel Jones (New York Times)

 

Sixth & I Historic Synagogue

 

600 I St. N.W.

 

$17 (ticket

 

$30 (ticket and book)

 

$38 (two tickets, one book)

 

sixthandi.org

 

Actress Maria Bello spent the summer of 2013 in bed ill with a parasitic illness she contracted while doing relief work in Haiti.

Turning to the roughly 150 journals she’s been keeping since age 10, the actress, best known for her roles in the films “Payback,” “Coyote Ugly” and “A History of Violence” as well as the TV hit “ER,” found herself pondering all sorts of questions from all facets of her life from work, family, romantic relationships and more.

She eventually distilled her personal discoveries into the new book “Whatever … Love is Love: Questioning the Labels We Give Ourselves.” On Monday night she’ll be in Washington at the Sixth & I Synagogue to discuss the book with Daniel Jones of the New York Times, which published her essay “Coming Out as a Modern Family,” in which she discussed her current relationship with partner Clare Munn.

We talked with her Tuesday — the day of the Supreme Court marriage arguments — by phone to find out why she has such a thorny relationship with labels. Her comments have been slightly edited for length.

MARIA BELLO: How are you?

WASHINGTON BLADE: We’re good. It’s a big day in Washington!

BELLO: I know! I’ve been watching all day and tweeting about it. I’m so excited and the whole community must be.

BLADE: Yes, it feels momentous.

BELLO: It is. We’re on the verge and the tide is changing and it’s very exciting.

BLADE: It sounds like you had an epiphany of sorts when you began your relationship with Clare. Prior to that, had you had much involvement or investment in LGBT issues?

BELLO: Yes, always, even when I was going to a Catholic university. I’ve always been involved in LGBT rights because they have always been a huge force in human rights in general and it’s a human right to be able to marry who you love and love who you love. I was very inspired by Marsha P. Johnson, a famous African-American transgender, flamboyant, really beautiful woman when I used to live on Christopher Street. She threw the first shot glass at Stonewall.

BLADE: Did you journal continuously or in spurts over the years?

BELLO: Pretty consistently. I started at 10 but only have them going back to age 13. The first one I have is a green notebook with little hearts drawn all over it. The challenge with my journals was trying to choose the material to go into the book and what I realized more and more was that I wasn’t just taking a walk down memory lane, I was uncovering all these pieces and I had so many questions about the girl I was, the woman I had become, about my family, you know, myself, my religion, my sexuality and as I started asking more questions, I heard from so many more people that they were asking similar questions. I had no idea it would become part of a larger conversation. I always journalized pretty consistently. I can’t imagine I ever went more than three months or so without writing. Sometimes they were just gratitude lists I made because I was so miserable.

BLADE: What big picture started to emerge from reading them?

BELLO: Relationships are fluid, partnerships are fluid, life is fluid and the more you accept that, which is sometimes a very hard thing to accept, you become more mindful. It doesn’t mean you’re happy all the time. Sometimes it’s just being where you’re at. Sometimes you could be miserable and mindful and I have to allow myself space to have those days and sometimes those weeks where, you know, you’re sad, angry confused. But my mom always told me unless you hit the bottom, you’re not able to push yourself back up. I always loved that.

BLADE: How do you differentiate between happiness, joy and containment?

BELLO: It’s kind of what I just answered. More coming from my preferred self, my most authentic self. When I can do that and be in the moment, I am more curious and happier when I have an understanding of that and, you know, connect to my higher power. Call it God, call it whatever you like. For me, it’s that connection that brings me joy. And also watching my son play soccer. He’s going to Ireland this summer to play in like the world cup of kids’ soccer. He’s freaking awesome.

BLADE: How old is Jackson?

BELLO: He’s 14. He was 12 when he said those amazing words (that became the book title).

BLADE: How long were you ill?

BELLO: A few months. Actually when I was quite sick and recovering and frail, I think your body has a way of telling you when it’s time to take a break or take a breath. It was a real transforming time in my life. I looked around my bedside and saw who was there — my mom, my brother and Jack and Jack’s dad and Clare and many of my friends. I’m so proud to have so much love in my life.

BLADE: Are you healthy now?

BELLO: I am. … Except for the smoking thing, which I’m working on again. It’s my vice.

BLADE: You say nobody should feel judged or afraid because of a label. We use labels all the time to decide where to put things in a grocery store, to decide what genre a film or book is, to say if someone is a blond or brunette even when there are so many variations of different things. Why have the labels associated with sexuality gotten such a bad rap?

BELLO: Because it’s not just about sexual orientation, it’s about partnerships and family and how traditional labels, you know, seem to put people in these tidy little boxes and those traditional labels don’t seem to be working anymore. In the end, I always feel like call me whatever you want, I’ll label myself practically anything to advance human rights and that feels good for me, but I see these poor kids ashamed and being blamed for their sexuality or having partnerships that are different. … It’s important to claim the labels that make you feel your authentic self.

BLADE: When you see the studies about how monogamous people really are and how many stay married their entire lives, it does make you question whether these societal expectations are realistic.

BELLO: In one of my chapters I write about having an affair and talk about this very issue. It’s said that more than 50 percent of married people have admitted having affairs. Men, women, conservative, liberal, across the board. And yet we just don’t talk about it. We seem to just wave our finger and say, “OK, you’re a bad guy or bad girl if you had an affair,” but what we should really be talking is the question of why this is happening and the complications of sexuality. What does it mean. … There has to be a reason these people in long-term, committed relationships go outside the relationship for something besides partnership.

BLADE: True, but don’t we need some sort of compartmentalization system in the world for such matters if only to make sense of all the thousands of people we encounter? Wouldn’t things get too overwhelming if we shunned labels altogether?

BELLO: Oh yes, we need some. My point is that only use the ones you are proud of and make you feel part of a community. Identifying a movie or a person by the way they look, that’s really simplistic. What we’re talking about are bigger issues. Facebook added 51 new gender options last year. I’m at least 15 of them. I think our lexicon needs to expand to include all of those.

BLADE: You write about growing up Roman Catholic. Do you have any relationship with the church today?

BELLO: I’m so excited about the new pope, with his openness and his attention to what really matters, which is love and (addressing) poverty and peace. … I’m happy to be part of this movement that’s happening in the church, even in the church I go to in Santa Monica, more of an acceptance and getting back to real values and what it’s all about, which is love.

BLADE: Has it been hard to take the good and leave the dogma you don’t agree with behind?

BELLO: It’s getting easier and easier as I get older because I’m doing that with everything in my life. I guess part of it is being middle aged and menopausal, but I’m excited about the question and I hope the book will help people question their own labels and look at the ones that empower them and get rid of the ones that disempower them.

BLADE: You were so good with Viggo Mortensen in “History of Violence.” What is he like as a fellow actor?

BELLO: Oh my god, such an incredibly authentic and funny man. You would never think the funny part, but he’s hysterical.

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From Media Matters to massive queer ragers: the rise of Tara Dikhof

The Washington Blade sits down with the DJ and drag star on her summer tour, rise to prominence, and how Musk helped shape her path.

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Tara Dikhof is ready for Queer Chaos in D.C. (Photo courtesy of Alejandro Carvajal)

Before becoming the “full-time party girl” with the power to turn any room with Instagram Reels into a dingy dance floor packed with queer people — at least for a minute or two — Tara Dikhof was much like a lot of queer Washingtonians: upset at how the first Trump administration quickly began attacking marginalized communities’ rights, and in need of a creative, constructive outlet.

“I used to be a journalist at Media Matters, where I worked on our online extremism and LGBTQ program,” Tara Dikhof told the Blade when asked how she became the actualized drag performer she is today. “I did extensive work documenting how the right wing media ecosystem poisons the debate on queer issues — and spreads virulent lies about LGBTQ people online.”

Media Matters is a nonprofit that describes itself as a “progressive research and information center” with the goal of “monitoring, analyzing, and correcting conservative misinformation in the U.S. media.”

Tara, who, while working at Media Matters lived up to that goal. She wrote — or assisted the media watchdog with — more than 150 articles for the web-based organization. While she covered a wide variety of topics, she became a leading voice covering Joe Rogan during her tenure as a senior researcher for the LGBTQ Program at Media Matters.

Tara Dikhof in one of her usual, over the top, queer fantastical outfits she wears when DJ-ing and performing. (Photo courtesy of Alejandro Carvajal)

“I think some of my most impactful work from my time at Media Matters was when I was the leading journalist reporting on Joe Rogan’s extremism and right wing misinformation. I broke the story that he was encouraging young people not to get the COVID vaccine,” Dikhof said. “I reported that the presidential debates hadn’t asked a question about LGBTQ issues since the 2000s. I also led a study looking at TV news reporting on anti-trans violence, showing that TV news stations, cable and broadcast combined, collectively reported on anti-trans violence for less than an hour almost every year.”

In addition to media coverage, Dikhof also worked on the inside as a Truman-Albright Fellow and policy analyst at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, working to improve the health and safety of Americans.

That effort was recognized from both sides of the political aisle. She and her detailed research appeared in a slew of outlets, includingDemocracy Now!, The Atlantic, and even the Blade’s West Coast sister publication, the LA Blade, among others. While her work began making headlines informing people about the dangers of under coverage of LGBTQ issues, it also garnered attention from staunch anti-LGBTQ voices.

One of those voices — and the one Dikhof ultimately credits as the reason she bowed out of the media watchdog world — was Elon Musk. Musk, the CEO of Tesla, founder and chief engineer of SpaceX, and owner of X, was not pleased with coverage of the platform’s questionable practices under his leadership. The app relaxed censorship policies, dissolved its Trust and Safety Council, and reinstated thousands of previously banned accounts — many of them far-right accounts found to be pushing harmful misinformation and disinformation.

“He was trying to silence fact-based journalism that revealed that his platform X was running advertisements next to Nazi content,” Dikhof said. “When you’re facing lawsuits against the richest man in the world, unfortunately, the facts don’t matter as much.”

She said it led to her being let go from the media watchdog organization — something she had worked so long to help grow awareness about the dangers of growing authoritarianism on platforms and across the airwaves.

“That was incredibly devastating. I dedicated my entire adult life to the progressive movement, to trying to stop right wing misinformation, and to have that drop out from under me was defeating, to say the least. But you can’t keep a powerful girl down.”

She didn’t stay down for long. She tapped into the drag and DJ world after leaving the nation’s capital. Since then, she has expanded on her drag journey and opened for some of the world’s biggest performers — from Aliyah’s Interlude, to Violet Chachki, to massive pop superstar Chappell Roan. It seems the Dikhof rocket has taken off and doesn’t look like it’s slowing down.

Tara Dikhof DJ-ing for a huge, queer crowd. (Photo courtesy of Adrianna Dirany)

That switch, she explained, has her feeling like she is doing more for the LGBTQ community than she could at Media Matters.

“I started throwing parties and community events for queer people in Boston, and I now throw parties for over 1,200 people a month,” she said. “I honestly don’t feel like I’ve ever had more of an impact on queer and trans people than I am now. I believe, from the bottom of my heart, that getting a group of LGBTQ people in a room together and letting them radically express themselves through dance and movement and to build new friendships and to find the love of their life — is a radical act.”

Her goal is simple — provide a place for LGBTQ people, specifically trans people, to let down their hair — or in her case, giant wigs and fantastical headpieces — and just dance.

“I’m just trying to give people a space to exist, which for a lot of queer and trans people right now is not something they can do. They don’t feel safe at work, they don’t feel safe at home, they don’t feel safe in public, and the one oasis that they can access is the gay club. It’s a place where they can dress however they want, they can love whoever they want.”

That radical act, she explained, should be as inclusive as America is diverse. She sees the waves of conservatism that have hit the federal government — and state offices around the country swinging to the right — reflected in the nightlife scene she encounters. LGBTQ clubs have long been a proxy for the social standards in mainstream America, which often focus heavily on young, white, cisgender men.

“It is one of the most connecting things we can do while we’re on this planet. My guiding light is, I am trying to build dance floors that are multigenerational and multiracial. I’m trying to start a new chapter in queer nightlife, where dance floors aren’t just dominated by white, buff gay men.”

While in-person nightlife has led to a diverse dance floor thumping with bops from Slayyyter’s new release “Wor$t Girl In America” to gay club classics like Ariana Grande’s “Into You” — with wild-haired Dikhof at the helm in looks that could make even Cher do a double take — her rise has also been immensely assisted by some of the very platforms she once called out while living in Washington.

She has amassed quite the following — 142,000 followers on Instagram, 2.6 million likes on TikTok, and thousands of streams on SoundCloud.

Despite this growing and visibly powerful media presence, she has hard limits on when and where she deems it appropriate. The dance floor is not always one of those places — not just due to the growing data on the harm social media causes to users’ health, but also to stay true to her goal of helping the LGBTQ community become a stronger, more accepting place.

“Social media promises connection and relationships, but it’s not true. What we actually need is a way for people to put their phones down and connect with others in real life,” she said. “I’m trying to build a coalition that represents the true power of the LGBTQ community, where we can all exist in harmony together. At a lot of my parties, I have a no-phones policy, because what I want people to do is disconnect from social media, disconnect from our system of mass surveillance, and just be present for a few hours.”

Tara Dikhof getting “FERAL” at her monthly party. (Photo courtesy of ZIGGSPHOTO)

“For my party, Feral, which is [a] no-phones LGBTQ rager, at the door before anyone enters the party, we tell them our party’s policies, and we make sure they have a verbal yes agreeing to them,” she said. “Those policies are no phones, no photos, no videos on the dance floor, treat yourself and others with respect.”

She sees this intentional inclusivity as a major way to combat the hate trickling down from the Trump-Vance administration and regurgitated by mainstream media organizations that feed into that bias.

“I believe that we can create, and we can continue to build radical change in this country on the dance floor. So much mainstream media has consistently allowed conservative media to set the terms of debate for LGBTQ rights. Mainstream media outlets like the Washington Post, outlets like New York Times, put trans rights up for debate when we can all agree that human rights are not something that we can debate.”

She continued, explaining that the bias mainstream media imposes — like with The New York Times’ consistently criticized coverage of transgender people, which often has little or no actual transgender voices in its reporting — frames these issues as cultural debates rather than basic human rights.

“These mainstream outlets don’t debunk those claims. They don’t push back on them. We need to say that lesbians belong at the gay club. We need to say that we don’t tolerate anti-Black discrimination at the gay club. We need to say that trans people deserve to be loud and messy in the gay club, just like everyone else gets to.”

She explained that what she is trying to do is simple in theory — make the space truly a dance haven for everyone in the community.

“What I’m really trying to do is I’m trying to open a portal of transcendence. I’m trying to create magical moments where all of the problems in the world drop out of your mind.”

Dikhof attempts to do this, she explained, by tapping into that deeply human — and animalistic — need for connection.

“Humans are primates and primates are animals that need physical touch. We need community spaces, and increasingly, with social media, late stage capitalism, and a horrible economic outlook, people don’t have a public forum to connect with others. There have been nights where I have taken a $3,000 loss, but it’s part of it.”

To her, the value queer nightlife gives to the community can’t be measured by ticket sales or ad clicks — it’s measured by acts of queer joy and defiance that echo the community’s need for broader survival in an era of book bans and hostility for the sake of cruelty.

“All we need is a room for four hours, a DJ, a working sound system, and a community that cares about protecting each other. If you have that, you can create total bliss. I think the beauty and transcendence of queer nightlife is something that Republican lawmakers will probably never understand.”

She sees the dance floor as just as important for queer people as the Senate floor. Not separate from politics — it is politics.

“I do believe that having queer community spaces is an integral part of political organizing. We cannot let the bastards steal our joy. Getting out of the house and being loudly queer is a form of resistance.”

Tara Dikhof dancing at one of her “FERAL” shows. (Photo courtesy of ZIGGSPHOTO)

“Right now, I’m really living my wildest dreams and I’m hungry. This is just the beginning for Tara Dikhof. We’re living in a society where we have Paleolithic emotions, medieval institutions, and God like technology, and I am going to use that God like technology to the best of my ability.”

Tara Dikhof is currently on her summer tour, starting at Project GLOW for Queer Chaos in Washington. She will return — after crisscrossing the country — to perform at Bunker on June 20 during Capital Pride weekend.

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What is queer food?

Two experts tackle unique question in conference, books

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The 2026 Queer Food Conference was held earlier this month in Montreal. (Photo courtesy the conference)

Just as humans have always had meals, queer humans, too, have enjoyed meals. Yet what is it that makes “queer food” distinct?

At the beginning of May in Montreal, the Queer Food Conference 2026 sought not to answer that question, but to further interrogate it. The conference united scholars, activists, artists, journalists, farmers, chefs, and other food industry professionals for three days of panels, workshops, discussions, and, yes, meals, in an inclusive, thoughtful, contemplative-yet-whimsical environment, taking a comprehensive view of the landscape of queer food.

The two organizers – Professor Alex Ketchum, at the Institute for Gender, Sexuality, and Feminist Studies of McGill University in Montreal, and Professor Megan Elias, Director of Food Studies & Gastronomy at Boston University – met in 2022 when Elias acted as a peer reviewer for Ketchum’s second book, “Ingredients for a Revolution,” a wide-ranging history of more than 230 feminist and lesbian-feminist restaurants, cafes, and coffeehouses from 1972 to the present in the US.

Elias, taken by the book and its exploration, invited Ketchum to speak at one of Elias’s courses, at which pastries were served and feminist bread making was baked into conversation. Elias floated the idea of co-organizing a queer food conference – and a hot 24 hours later, Ketchum said yes, with plans sketched out, from grants to topics to speakers. In parallel, the duo started to conceptualize “Queers at the Table,” a book based on their work (published last year).

The conference, the book, the research: their work is, in part, grounded in the question: What is queer food? True to queer theory, each has her own nuanced response as drivers of their research, challenging the traditional and looking beyond norms of food studies. Ketchum’s view is that it is grounded on food by and for the queer community, in specific histories, and especially in the labor behind the food. Elias posits that queer food is at the intersection of queerness and culinary studies, beyond gender norms and binaries, back to the societal basics of queer food as part of queer humans always having meals. “Queer food destabilizes assumptions about food, gender and sexuality, making space for a wider range of relationships to food,” she says.

The academics’ professed enthusiasm, however, rarely reached beyond small circles.

“I regularly attended big food studies conferences, but almost never saw presentations about gender identity beyond women’s roles,” says Elias about her prior work, and when her students would ask for additional literature about sexuality and food, results had been sparse. Ketchum echoed this gap: When she was in graduate studies, she received hesitation from leadership about her chosen field of study. By 2024, however, queer food as an area of study and practice had grown, whether in popular culture or well as in publishing, setting the stage for the first Queer Food Conference in 2024 in Boston. Their aim at that even was to launch the subfield of queer food studies into the mainstream, so that fellow academics, students, and those interested in the space could convene, “creating space for others to build,” says Ketchum. “People were enthusiastic.”

Once Ketchum and Elias published “Queers at the Table” in 2025 (notably, gay author John Birdsall also published a book examining queer identity through food last year, “What Is Queer Food?”), they laid the foundation for the 2026 conference in Montreal. This edition was an “embodied” conference, inclusive of various ontologies in queer food studies: theory, labor, art, taste, an interdisciplinary, expansive grounding.

Topics ranged from cookbooks and influencers to farming and land movements, bars and cafes, brewing and baking, history and sociology, writing and printmaking, healthcare and community, and centering marginalized – especially trans – voices.

Naturally, food was centered. The conference’s keynotes were not academics, but the chefs themselves who created the food with their own hands that attendees ate over the three days. “Not to disregard a pure academic space,” says Ketchum, “but to not have food in a room when we talk about food would be wild.”

Jackson Tucker, a Distinguished Graduate Fellow at the University of Delaware, said that “What I found [at the conference] was a genuinely diverse gathering: scholars who did grounded social research but also practitioners, organizers, and people who had never thought about an academic conference in their lives and didn’t need to. That mix is the soul of this whole project for me. Without the people who are out in the world doing queer food, the conference wouldn’t exist.”

Ketchum – her home being Montreal – also worked to fold in community-driven events so that attendees could get a taste of queer food in the city outside of classroom walls; for example, attendees participated in a collaborative evening pizza-making class at a queer-owned pizzeria.

The interdisciplinary nature of the conference led to sharing of research, thoughts, activities, and planning. There was a “value of bringing people together of different backgrounds, which leads to richer discussion,” she says.

Elias picked up on this theme: “I saw people bonding and connecting and believing in Queer Food Studies,” – one of the central goals that Ketchum noted, further legitimizing a nascent field. As both professors continue their research and leadership, they envision a continued layering of centering the queer experience and community through the shared value and study of food.

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Gay Men’s Chorus celebrates 45 years at annual gala

‘Sapphire & Sparkle’ Spring Affair held at the Ritz Carlton

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17th Street Dance performs at the Gay Men's Chorus of Washington's Spring Affair 'Sapphire & Sparkle' gala at the Ritz Carlton Washington, D.C. on Saturday, May 16. (Washington Blade photo by Michael Key)

The Gay Men’s Chorus of Washington held the annual Spring Affair gala at the Ritz Carlton Washington, D.C. on Saturday. The theme for this year’s fete was “Sapphire & Sparkle.” The chorus celebrated 45 years in D.C. with musical performances, food, entertainment, and an awards ceremony.

Gay Men’s Chorus of Washington Executive Director Justin Fyala and Artistic Director Thea Kano gave welcoming speeches. Opening remarks were delivered by Spring Affair co-chairs Tracy Barlow and Tomeika Bowden. Uproariously funny comedian Murray Hill performed a stand-up set and served as the emcee.

There were performances by Gay Men’s Chorus of Washington groups Potomac Fever, 17th Street Dance, the Rock Creek Singers, Seasons of Love, and the GenOUT Youth Chorus.

Anjali Murthy speaks at the Gay Men’s Chorus of Washington’s Spring Affair on Saturday, May 16. (Washington Blade photo by Michael Key)

Anjali Murthy, a member of the chorus and a graduate of the GenOUT Youth Chorus, addressed the attendees of the gala.

“The LGBTQ+ community isn’t bound by blood ties: we are brought together by shared experience,” Murthy said. “Being Gen Z, I grew up with Ellen [DeGeneres] telling me through the TV screen that it gets better: that one day, it’ll all be okay. The sentiment isn’t wrong, but it’s passive. What I’ve learned from GMCW is that our future is something we practice together. It exists because people like you continue to show up for it, to believe in the possibilities of what we’re still becoming”

The event concluded with the presentation of the annual Harmony Awards. This year’s awardees included local drag artist and activist Tara Hoot, the human rights organization Rainbow Railroad as well as Rocky Mountain Arts Association Executive Director, Dr. Chipper Dean.

(Washington Blade photos and videos by Michael Key)

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